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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too nice?

53 replies

Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 09:32

What a morning. No sleep, just shell shocked and cant think straight. Can anyone help me unravel this please, am I wrong?

I have been seeing a guy since last November. Admittedly casual as were both out of difficult LTRs and both have kids. It was said from the outset that this would never be anything serious. We met every couple of weeks for an evening together, cooking, chilling at his house and sex, cuddles etc. It felt affectionate. Not a relationship but what we had made me smile and I thought it was the same for him. We were due to meet again friday and we were chatting last night so I just asked him, are you seeing anyone else? He said yes Sad I was so shocked. Mainly because he had given me no indication and we had been having unprotected sex but also, it just seems so...well, mean.

We never had the exclusive chat but I kinda assumed mutual respect especially as we didnt use condoms but also because he always seemed so kind, so sweet, good morals. Yet he thinks this is ok. We've spent months chatting, sharing life, confiding, all of that.

He should have told me. I said that and he said, no, he didnt think he needed to. Which shows the huge gulf in between what I thought we had and what he views me as (a fuck).

I've ended it and blocked him. Tried to retain some dignity so he doesnt know how upset I am. He said his friends tell him he is "too nice" and that that may have fed into my misguided feelings. Too nice. Almost laughable. The audacity.

I dont know how to feel. Angry, hurt, stupid? A fool. Did I line myself up for this punch in the stomach ? Was I wrong to assume?

OP posts:
pougie3 · 03/03/2022 10:01

I always assume they're seeing other people and now ask from the outset. Then I can decide knowing the full facts. Of course, men will still lie about it so it's good that he answered your question honestly. Sorry you are upset OP.

pougie3 · 03/03/2022 10:02

Also, maybe he's literally just met her, OP?

Motnight · 03/03/2022 10:10

You have had unprotected sex? Could you be pregnant? You need to do a STI check up, Op.

He has been honest with you, and it's good that you know the situation.

MermaidEyes · 03/03/2022 10:14

I think if you know from the outset it's not going to be anything serious, then always assume there's another body somewhere keeping the bed warm unless they specifically say you're the only one. Also, whose idea was it not to use condoms?

pougie3 · 03/03/2022 10:18

My experience is that most men will always try not to use condoms if they can get away with it. They don't really think about the risk of STIs like women do.

Cocycola · 03/03/2022 10:31

I am so sorry you have been hurt Flowers . It sounds like there has been a misunderstanding in both sides here. You have taken 'casual' to mean just not serious, whereas he has understood it as you are free to go with other people too. There wasn't an exclusivity chat, and with it being so casual, I wouldn't be too mad at him for this part of it as a lot of people view casual as being free to go with other people. However, you shouldn't feel stupid or a fool, you and the guy just had different ideas on what casual means.

However, because of the unprotected sex, then for this, you have every right to be annoyed as that's lax. I am guessing you are on the pill? Get yourself checked in case of STIs as a precaution.

Try to not beat yourself up about it, I can imagine how hurt you must feel as it sounds like you really liked him and had a great time together. At least you know now and not further down the line, try to take that positive from it. Hope you feel better soon.

iwishu · 03/03/2022 10:37

It's shitty to know but in a way it's a good thing he was honest, you can move on from him, casual means different to people, it could be nothing too serious but exclusive or shagging around which unfortunately what it is to him.

Mermaidwaves · 03/03/2022 10:50

This seems to be the norm now OP and its shit really, it's one of the reasons I've stopped dating as I got very sick of trying to find something exclusive. I found it very damaging to think I was just one of many, a convenience for that week.

Also beware the man who claims he's " too nice" these always end up being the worst! Yes his granny and next door neighbour might think he's adorable but these types often treat women like dirt.

Original poster
Sonaftersonafterson · 03/03/2022 10:52

Sad I know.

It's made me question myself though, I clearly have very bad judgement or I'm just bloody stupid. Of course there was someone else, I should have known I suppose.

It is good he was honest but I wish he'd been honest without me questioning him.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 03/03/2022 10:52

Never assume casual is exclusive. In fact assume it isn't is the safest policy.

Casper001 · 03/03/2022 10:55

Is this a generational thing. I couldn't imagine sleeping with one person and then doing that.

I've seen posts on here about multiple FWBs etc. It just seems wrong.

inmyslippers · 03/03/2022 10:55

The dating world has changed soo much. I think it's very sad but you learn

CousinKrispy · 03/03/2022 10:57

I'm so sorry, OP.

This is why I avoid "casual" and look for someone who wants a relationship but is happy to take it slow. But I know it can be hard to find that and it may not be what you want anyway, OP.

DropYourSword · 03/03/2022 11:00

I don't think he's done anything wrong. I don't think you've done anything wrong. You both just had a different perception of what casual meant.
I don't like the idea of anyone describing themselves as "too nice" though! And also, is he "seeing" this other person much the same as you (as in, more of a FWB) or is he supposed to be in a relationship with her and is cheating on her

cantcope88 · 03/03/2022 11:05

Unfortunately this is what the dating world is like. Like @DropYourSword has said neither of you has done anything wrong as it was "casual" in my eyes "casual" is filling the gap until someone suitable comes along. Or in most peoples eyes its a FWB. I'm sorry you've gone through this but you live and learn.

Momijin · 03/03/2022 11:17

I'd be tempted to shit him up by telling him you're pregnant. Make him sweat for a while.

DropYourSword · 03/03/2022 11:19

@Momijin

I'd be tempted to shit him up by telling him you're pregnant. Make him sweat for a while.
Why? That's just a spectacularly shitty thing to do and says an awful lot about anyone who would do that. None of it good.
pinkyredrose · 03/03/2022 11:23

Why on earth were you having unprotected sex!? Have you both had clear Sti tests and are you wanting another baby?

Celoo · 03/03/2022 11:23

I don't really understand this. You state that you were both clear it was never going to be serious, so I'm not sure why you are so surprised that he has followed through with that. As an outsider it seems like you're both single FWB's so he doesn't owe you anything and neither do you. It seems like you were more invested than you'd allowed him to believe.

Momijin · 03/03/2022 11:26

Because he should have told her as he's having unprotected sex with her . I bet he didn't tell her because he knew her well enough that she wouldn't be happy with that and end it. So let him suffer a bit and let him make sure that he at least protects himself and who he sleeps with by using condoms

Useranon1 · 03/03/2022 11:29

I don't think he's done anything wrong.

The entire point of a casual relationship is that you are not beholden to one another or exclusive. It allows you the freedom to not commit to someone. This is like contracting a self-employed worker part-time rather than paying to employ someone full time with NI contributions etc, and then being outraged they are working for someone else as well as you!

Even if you had been exclusive, unless you both had STD checks right before sleeping together and neither of you had slept with anyone else for 3 months before that, you were always at risk.

Ticksallboxes · 03/03/2022 11:40

OP I'm sorry you've had this experience but not all 'modern' dating is like this.

I friend of mine came out of a LTR last year and started OLD soon after.

In her own words she's "pretty average" but she was going on two or three dates a week (always video calling first), stayed friends with many of them, and has now met a lovely long term partner.

Don't be disheartened by this and just move on.

lilkiki · 03/03/2022 11:55

sorry that happened. It’s pretty gutting. I just assume everyone is seeing other people too, and so I’m a bit more guarded with my feelings.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong really; yoj didn’t discuss whether it was exclusive and you could have been seeing other people too?

Anyway sorry that happened and I hope you meet someone who is more to your vibe soon

lilkiki · 03/03/2022 11:56

@Momijin

I'd be tempted to shit him up by telling him you're pregnant. Make him sweat for a while.
Just because he was seeing someone else? She didn’t exactly enforce condoms either? Wow that’s really spiteful and vengeful
DropYourSword · 03/03/2022 11:59

@Momijin

Because he should have told her as he's having unprotected sex with her . I bet he didn't tell her because he knew her well enough that she wouldn't be happy with that and end it. So let him suffer a bit and let him make sure that he at least protects himself and who he sleeps with by using condoms
The OP should have been using condoms. Didn't.

It's vile to think that pretending you're pregnant to "make someone suffer" is in any way an acceptable thing to do.