Social interactions, I may as well not be there

[Flowersandwine12]

I feel like the common denominator is me, so this is a me thing but I don't know what I'm doing wrong and feeling increasingly resentful/bitter.

So I've noticed this for a while but tried to tell myself it's me over analysing it, but this weekend I was so conscious of it

Anyway, I feel like no one is remotely interested in me and no-one has any ability to try and engage in conversation, even small talk. These are people I've known for years btw.

Examples from this weekend, on Saturday I went out with a group of 6, my friends for drinks. Everyone was chatting but no one person asked me a question about me or my life. I can excuse one of them because I see her at school every day and she does ask me questions and is interested but I just don't get it. I ask others questions, we ask others around the table but no one even asked what I'd even up to over half term.

On Sunday I went to a christening with my dh and his friend's and it was the same. I've known the wives and girlfriends for years and made a real effort but found it so difficult. I'd ask how they are, how work is or about something specific like X running a marathon lately and then conversation seems to die until I can think of something else to ask.

The response is nice, not like one word answers like they don't want to be there, actual conversation takes place but I feel like it's always me bringing up a topic or question. I am interested in catching up and hearing about a marathon or Ys new job is nice but it's not reciprocated at all.

The thing is I started a new job last year and I'm so exited about it. I also do interesting things and they know this from the very occasional snippets I post online. I'm not big headed in that I just want to talk about myself but I just feel like no one gives a shit.

We're supposed to be going to another christening in 2 weeks and I feel like saying to DH what's the point in me going. He knows I'm an introvert and find socialising hard and made a point of saying that on Sunday he noticed me moving round tables talking to different people and making effort.

I enjoy my own space and this makes me want to close off from everyone bar the 3/4 people who actually converse with me properly but then I know dhs friends would just call me miserable and weird.

Any tips?

Wow sorry that's so long. I'm feeling sad today

OP I could have written your post myself, except that I have maybe 3-4 friends who do ask questions about me, as I do of them. The rest of the people I know and meet never ask me anything and simply don’t appear interested in what I do or think at all. This includes all my family members.

I spoke to another friend about this (one of those who does ask questions back about me) and he said he realised years ago that most people are only interested in themselves and I should just get used to it. . I don’t believe it is you, it is just the way that many people are.

I was just going to say OP I've found a lot of people aren't interested in anyone else. I have a few close friends that ask and that's it.

Sadly I’ve noticed that a lot of people lack basic conversation skills and just rabbit on about themselves rather than ask about the people they’re with and have an actual conversation.

The options are either suck it up and listen to them waffle on, or join them and tell them what you want to say unasked.

Sounds like the things you have to share are really fun and interesting, go for just telling them!

İ get you. İ lived abroad in different places for over three years and since I've been back for two and a half years now, not one member of my immediate family or friends has asked me a single question about what I got up to, or how it was. They'll sometimes ask me my job plans for my future here but that's it. I'm not going to bother anymore and find new people.

A lot of people don't have any conversational skills or any interest in anything except themselves. It's normal to ask someone a similar question to what they asked you - we all know someone who will just talk on and on when they've been asked a question, without asking one in return. I'm sorry you met so many of them in one go!

As an example I recently met a colleague of DH, a perfectly nice woman. By the end of the afternoon, by conversing with her and asking questions, I knew the following about her: what work she does, her hopes regarding her career, something about her boyfriend and their plans together, where she’d spent her holidays and what future holidays she has planned, her preferred living arrangements and her ancestry. I know she enjoyed telling me all this as she mentioned it at the end. During the course of the day she didn’t ask me a single thing about me and so knows nothing at all about me.

I don’t find this unusual. As a result I do find most socialising unrewarding and tiring and enjoy my own company and that of DH.

I find it very sad that OP and several PPs apparently have so many uncivilised acquaintances who don’t understand the basic rules of give and take in conversation.
OP, if your friends never ask your news, why not just volunteer the information yourself?
Open the chat with “I had some great news today” or “you’ll never guess what happened at work this week” or “did anyone else see the…” whatever. Your friends might respond if you just get the ball rolling.

I have this exact same problem! I now only socialise with the people who do ask about me. One friend I’ve had for over 20 years. It’s always me asking about her holidays etc. She never asks one question about me!!

I hate being questioned, especially in a group of people and I don't ask questions unless it is important and then privately. However I do show interest in whatever anyone says. I doubt you are being sidelined, op. Your friends would probably be aghast to know that you feel that way.

Many people's social skills are poor these days.
They treat it like a sm post.
After you ask and they tell you what they've been up to, do you then in turn tell them what you've been up to?

I think that these days people have a tendency to be self absorbed. On SM it’s so easy to just click Like on a post and job done, they rarely ask for any further detail.

I’m older (obviously by the ‘outing’ These Days comment 😊) and my friendship group is 50s and 60s and we all natter away. But if I meet up with younger people (I do have friends of all ages) I do find that many of them ‘clock off’ unless we are talking about them…..or something disastrously bad! When I had a Stroke I was deluged with messages, calls and visits from people wanting all the gory details. Now I’m better and have completely changed my lifestyle and everything is going extremely well most of them really aren’t interested 🙄😂

I don’t think it’s you OP, I think that it’s just the way it is. 💐

It’s not you OP. I find this as well but not with close friends.

Sometimes I feel it’s as if you have to wind people up with a big crank on their backs by asking questions and then they merrily talk at length about themselves, but they never ask questions back. I am always astonished at it.

But you don't have to wait for someone to ask the right questions - you can just say "Hey, my new job is going really well!" or tell them what you've been up to, new places you've been...you don't need permission to speak.

I have some lovely friends who never volunteer anything - you have to drag it out of them. From my point of view I would be delighted if they were more forthcoming.

And by the way I sometimes find it difficult to ask personal questions, having been raised not to pry.

It's not you, it's them

It’s them! Honestly I went for lunch with friends recently and one of them went on and on about her job in so much details “and he said this and then she did that” that I could barely conceal my frustration. Every time someone else was asked a question she’d monopolise to the point where she was comparing her young DDs achievements with those of a friend whose DD is qualified in the area,.

Utterly bizarre and exceedingly dull.

Do volunteer information yourself. It's part of the natural flow of conversation.
"Did you do anything nice at half term?"
"Ohh yes, we went to the New Forest and.... [description of half term]."
"Really? I've never been/I love it there. I've always wanted to.../Last time we went I..."
It's not big-headed or self-centred. It's really fine. Before I go out, I think about things which might be amusing or entertaining for my friends - a story about the time we got stuck in the mud, a vignette about the banality of the office, a rant about how dresses don't have pockets, a political snipped I picked up on Twitter, a recommendation for a song/book/show...

Conversations don't need to involve questions at all. I expect that people will chime in with their own experiences. If someone is really quiet, I might ask "what about you, Daphne?" I suppose... But I'd half wonder whether maybe Daphne had a really shit half-term and didn't want to talk about it. Especially if she then asked another question to change the subject.

I find a lot of people are like this these days. I'm not sure if I just notice it more now I'm getting older or if it has become worse.

I used to meet a friend for a walk in lockdown and it was literally 90 minutes of incessant talk about herself and her family, with the odd 'how's things with you' thrown in but no interest in the reply. I had to stop walking with her.

It's weird. I also find people don't refer back to any problems/issues you may have shared. I make a point of mentioning previous things when I meet someone again. It's basically just showing an interest/concern.

To those who suggest volunteering information ourselves, I have done this often but, like a PP, find that the person just ‘clocks off’ or glazes over. I am literally unable to carry on speaking about myself in the face of someone who clearly is not interested. I agree with the PP who said older people are often better able to have a proper conversation which consists of both talking and listening. The friend I know who is best at the proper two way thing is my elderly neighbour. She is lovely. Even though her beloved husband recently died she still takes care to ask others about themselves.

Oh yes, @Flowersandwine12, I know exactly how you feel. I used to enjoy meeting up with friends but in the last few years it has become unbearable. Among my group of friends, 2, and especially 1 of them have verbal diarrhoea and totally dominate the conversation.
Recently we met up and 1 of them was CONSTANTLY talking about her parents, family, work and her own health. It was exhausting. I just wanted to stand up and shout “SHUT UP” but I still continue to go and hope that one day they notice that Nannewnannew hasn’t said anything today! 😤 I guess we just have to try and not take it personally.

Do you think that maybe being an introvert actually makes you more 'giving' in conversations than other people? Do you ever store up things to talk to people about in advance, or similar? I do this in some situations. But if the people I'm talking to are not good at two way conversations, it does mean that we only talk about them unless I volunteer info about me. I'm more conscious about it so I put more effort in, kinda thing.

Not excusing your friends though, they sound self-absorbed. Conversations should work both ways, regardless of whether small talk comes easily to you or whether you have to think about it a bit more.

I think a lot of people are rubbish conversationalists. It’s not necessarily you, probably more that they are either a bit dull or just don’t know the art of conversation.
Recently I went to a dinner where I was sat next to a couple who I’d not met properly before, I made a point of breaking the ice with the wife before we sat down and then we we were chatting through dinner it was a really good balanced conversation, I felt like I was a good conversationalist too because of it, my point being it made me realise so many people cannot hold a decent conversation and often hide under sneering or some sort of anxiety. FWIW I’m naturally quite shy but I make myself chat and I can be quite good at it.

You are not alone in this. I have a few friends who do reciprocate the interest I show but for the majority of people they do only talk about themselves. I find I am getting less and less tolerant of people who only talk about themselves. I actually spoke to someone who was a counsellor informally and at the end of the conversation I knew everything about their life and they knew absolutely nothing about mine. So if someone who is supposed to be empathetic is like it what hope is there for others.

All these people will come away from you op, thinking what a lovely person you are. And they know absolutely nothing about you. But they think you're lovely because you enabled them to yap on about themselves. Which is what they love to do.

They sound like very socially limited people. Boring too. And there are so very many of them.

Why don't you just start talking about yourself instead of waiting to be asked? Be a bit pushy in this way.