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Original poster

Feeling judged by in laws

30 replies

wanderingtrees · 03/03/2022 00:05

I'm currently having a hard time with my in laws regarding parenting. We have a DS aged 20 months. For a long time, my husbands parents have been making passive comments about our parenting style that have been making me uncomfortable and anxious to be around them. The difficulty is that the way things are worded makes it difficult to challenge because it's very passive.

One of the earliest things was our approach to weaning. We did BLW and they didn't understand it. They used to make comments like 'give him a spoon' (which he couldn't use) and 'most of it just goes on the floor he barely eats anything' and frequently ' he's probably hungry'. We saw how much he ate all the time and we (and the health advisor) had no concerns that he wasn't eating enough.

Recently I restrict what he can do too much. Our house is solidly baby proofed so other than playing in the dog bowls (the dog should be allowed at least one thing) and touching the TV, we don't police. At their house, I'm a bit more on edge (mostly because I'm anxious about parenting around them now!) and I will stop DS from doing things that make a lot of mess (pouring cat food on the floor) or damage things. They keep making comments about policing him too much and not letting him be a child. I get the sentiment but it feels wrong to me to let my child trash someone else's house, even if they are willing.

Another recent frustration - he's in nursery full time. They have asked to spend time with him one on one and we have agreed they can take him out of nursery whenever they want (they are retired) but that we would still pick him up at his usual finish time so we can have family time on the evenings. He enjoys spending time with them. However, they keep taking him out at the end of the day and asking for him to stay at their into the evening and complaining they have barely seen him when I pick him up. I just don't understand why they don't pick him up earlier! My DH is very placid and he would happily let him stay at their in the evening but I want to retain that time for us, so I think this is just adding to their dislike of me.

Has anyone had any experiences like this and do you have any tips on how to respond. I want to have a better relationship with them but at the moment I just feel like they are being really manipulative and I leave all interactions feeling anxious and frustrated.

OP posts:

TheOccupier · 03/03/2022 00:10

You do sound a bit controlling.

Let him "trash" their house, or start being a bit stricter at yours - is he allowed to do things at home that he isn't allowed to do at nursery?

And let them have him in the evening occasionally. Maybe at yours so they can babysit and do bath and bedtime, then you can have an evening out?

aloris · 03/03/2022 00:15

Try arranging to drop him at their place instead of nursery one morning a week, then he will be with them when he is fresh and cheerful? After he runs them ragged, they can drop him to nursery, where he can take a nice nap and be ready to see you when you pick him up after work.

Bunty55 · 03/03/2022 00:17

I think you need to relax a bit. Tipping the cat food out is not exactly a crime and it's not trashing someone's house especially if they do not mind.

Let them spend a bit more time with him. Make the most of them. Some grandparents are not interested at all. They don't sound too bad to me OP

Josette77 · 03/03/2022 00:24

I would embrace it. Take advantage and have a date night with your dh. That souds like heaven.

Original poster

wanderingtrees · 03/03/2022 00:50

Thanks for your responses. It's refreshing to get some blunt advice. I can see that I amd being controlling and a bit too caught up in what people are thinking.

OP posts:

BlondeWidow · 03/03/2022 02:06

I disagree they're disrespecting your wishes! I would inform nursery to not allow her to collect him after a certain time then have a serious chat with them

Italiangreyhound · 03/03/2022 02:07

You sound perfectly fine. I would not say you were controlling at all.

The only thing I would say would be - please stop worrying about 'their dislike' of you. Start enforcing your rules with your child and get your lazy DH on board.

They have made you feel uncomfortable around your own child, that's not right.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 03/03/2022 02:08

BlondeWidow Agree - "I would inform nursery to not allow her to collect him after a certain time then have a serious chat with them."

Onthemaintrunkline · 03/03/2022 02:25

I think your parenting sounds fine. I didn’t used to let my little ones touch my MIL’s special things when visiting her home. My MIL did however have a wonderful toybox which the children adored, perhaps suggest that yr PIL arrange to have one for yr child. And the suggestion by another poster, that you drop yr son off earlier in the day, gets around the late collection, explain that that works far better for you.

Momijin · 03/03/2022 03:09

OP you parent the way you want. Sounds fine to me. As a mum of 4, I definitely relaxed with more experience and less time but there is nothing wrong with the way you parent. They've had their kids. This is your child and you rule. And also we all have different styles of parenting - doesn't make anyone better or worse.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/03/2022 03:16

No way do I think you're controlling, nor would I allow him to do things in his grandparents home that he's forbidden in his own. At his age, he's just learning the rules, and consistency is key.

I wouldn't allow his grandparents to teach him things he's going to get in trouble for at home.

And I wouldn't be giving up my time with my child in the evenings either. Again, consistency matters to little people, and the relationship with his parents is his most important one.

aloris · 03/03/2022 03:19

I agree regarding the evenings. If they want to spend time with him, they are retired and can spend time with him in the daytime. You have so little time with him at the end of the day, it is really not ok for them to cut into your time with him.

Italiangreyhound · 03/03/2022 03:19

"...the relationship with his parents is his most important one." 100%

DarkChocolateMint · 03/03/2022 03:29

I dont think you sound controlling.

My mum made me feel like this with a newborn and I just lost it one day and we had an argument. Cleared the air... not saying thats the way to go- but I understand the passive stuff & it really really got to me!!

Could they nominate a day every week/fortnight to collect him from nursery and even keep him overnight?

Might give mummy & daddy some down time too?

Hope you are ok xx

ringoutthebells · 03/03/2022 04:23

First few comments are outrageous IMO. You sound perfectly normal and reasonable and not controlling whatsoever. Of course it's for you to set the boundaries re his behaviour, wherever you are. Picking him up from nursery at the end of the day then trying to keep him longer sounds completely unacceptable. Set some boundaries with these people and stick to them. Include the nursery and do not deviate.

TheOccupier · 03/03/2022 10:34

@ChubbyMorticia

No way do I think you're controlling, nor would I allow him to do things in his grandparents home that he's forbidden in his own. At his age, he's just learning the rules, and consistency is key.

I wouldn't allow his grandparents to teach him things he's going to get in trouble for at home.

And I wouldn't be giving up my time with my child in the evenings either. Again, consistency matters to little people, and the relationship with his parents is his most important one.

Yes, that is the whole point. DC is allowed to roam and explore freely at his (babyproofed) home but at his DGPs he's being told not to! And then he is also at nursery with different rules again.

TheOccupier · 03/03/2022 10:34

@aloris

This is a great idea - would it work for you @wanderingtrees ?

treeswandering · 03/03/2022 12:50

I'm the OP. I wasn't planning to keep my account but I've reactivated it to respond, but I couldn't take the old username.

Thanks for all the other responses. It's great to hear different perspectives and gives me a lot to think about.

@aloris thanks for the great suggestion. I'm completely up for this. They currently look after another grandchild for 1 day a week but weren't sure they would be able to have DS too. We want them to be able to spend time with him but not to feel pressured or obliged to do so, so the whole idea of them being able to take him out of nursery was so they could do so when they feel able. He's in nursery 8 hours a day and I don't mind what time they spend with him because any time out of nursery and with family is great. I'll definitely speak with them to see whether they would prefer this way of doing it.

@TheOccupier our house is baby-proofed but we still live in it. If I open a cupboard, I don't let him pull all the contents on the floor. I don't let him stand on the dining room table. These aren't big deals at home. We've stopped and redirected to toys. It's similar at nursery. There's a big toy box at their house and he gets everything out and plays with them like he would at home or nursery. I'm not stopping him from doing everything, but I draw the line at scattering around someone else's possessions or things that might break someone else's possession. The problem isn't consistency. We visit a lot of other people's houses and we are consistent.

TheOccupier · 03/03/2022 13:18

I see what you mean - so if your home rules are consistent with what DS would be allowed to do at nursery or at a friend's house, then it is fairest to hold him to the same standards at his DGPs' house.

treeswandering · 03/03/2022 13:30

It's not really about any of the specific examples really. It's more about feeling critiqued and judged when I'm just trying to do my best. There's been a lot of comments over a long period of time that are just building up and making me more uncomfortable around them. To give another, in the summer we fell into a routine of having dinner at 5 everyday, taking the dog for a walk, then winding down for bed. We had really pleasant evenings and he slept really well so we stuck to it. There was a comment then about tea being too routine based and what would DS do when he is older and he visits a friends house who has tea at a different time. It just felt so unnecessary because we were just in a routine that worked for us and it's obscene to think it would be the same or a problem in 6 years time.

I think the comment about coming across as controlling is really helpful because I suspect that is how they are seeing me. DH doesn't feel like that's the case at all and I think I'm just holding on to a lot of frustration towards them that making everything seem like a bigger deal than it really is.

aloris · 03/03/2022 14:50

You sound very sensible. Maybe you ARE a person of routine. It's ok to be that way! Maybe they are not people who thrive on routine. Maybe they like to do something a little different every day. That is fine too. What is not fine, is them treating you feel like something is wrong with you because you have routines that work for you.

Italiangreyhound · 04/03/2022 03:07

At the end of the day, if they make you unhappy, and doubt yourself etc, then it's not good for you. He's your baby and they need to respect your rules and boundaries. Whether it is tea at 5 or tea at 7, or whatever.

Good luck.

Monty27 · 04/03/2022 04:29

Let them pick him up and have him for longer. Perhaps a full day a week even. See what they think about that when they're clearing up after him

Monty27 · 04/03/2022 04:32

And DP could pick him up so you don't have to listen to them moaning

autienotnaughty · 04/03/2022 05:56

I have similar issues so you have my sympathy! I'd try to ignore most of it. With regard to their house I'd leave him to it if they are not bothered. With nursery would it be easier if they just had him a set day a week instead of going to nursery? I wouldn't like them just getting him whenever. Evenings children need a routine, tea bath bed. Just say he needs his sleep.

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