Feeling judged by in laws

[wanderingtrees]

I'm currently having a hard time with my in laws regarding parenting. We have a DS aged 20 months. For a long time, my husbands parents have been making passive comments about our parenting style that have been making me uncomfortable and anxious to be around them. The difficulty is that the way things are worded makes it difficult to challenge because it's very passive.

One of the earliest things was our approach to weaning. We did BLW and they didn't understand it. They used to make comments like 'give him a spoon' (which he couldn't use) and 'most of it just goes on the floor he barely eats anything' and frequently ' he's probably hungry'. We saw how much he ate all the time and we (and the health advisor) had no concerns that he wasn't eating enough.

Recently I restrict what he can do too much. Our house is solidly baby proofed so other than playing in the dog bowls (the dog should be allowed at least one thing) and touching the TV, we don't police. At their house, I'm a bit more on edge (mostly because I'm anxious about parenting around them now!) and I will stop DS from doing things that make a lot of mess (pouring cat food on the floor) or damage things. They keep making comments about policing him too much and not letting him be a child. I get the sentiment but it feels wrong to me to let my child trash someone else's house, even if they are willing.

Another recent frustration - he's in nursery full time. They have asked to spend time with him one on one and we have agreed they can take him out of nursery whenever they want (they are retired) but that we would still pick him up at his usual finish time so we can have family time on the evenings. He enjoys spending time with them. However, they keep taking him out at the end of the day and asking for him to stay at their into the evening and complaining they have barely seen him when I pick him up. I just don't understand why they don't pick him up earlier! My DH is very placid and he would happily let him stay at their in the evening but I want to retain that time for us, so I think this is just adding to their dislike of me.

Has anyone had any experiences like this and do you have any tips on how to respond. I want to have a better relationship with them but at the moment I just feel like they are being really manipulative and I leave all interactions feeling anxious and frustrated.

I would very much enjoy telling them you think they’re right about not needing to restrict your son so much. And then smiling as he empties food onto their floor and other messy things that toddlers love to do.

That's ridiculous for them to criticize your teatime and evening routine. He's little and kids and family life patterns change so much as they grow--what you do at 20 months is not going to dictate what you do at 6 years!!

That almost sounds like they're trying to control you, or certainly to undermine you.

They're disrespecting your wishes and the boundaries ie. That evening times are for you guys at home and his routine. They will push and take a bit more and a bit more if you are not careful. Your DH needs to step in and be firm and tell them not to collect DS after x time from nursery. This isn't a battle between you and them, they're your DH's parents and he needs to manage them, not you!

I have issues with my in laws moaning they never see DD (same age as your DS). They never suggest meeting up though, literally just whinge about it whenever we do see them. I've stepped back and don't contact them or arrange anything now and DH doesn't seem to bother either. He is really cross at how selfish they have been on a couple of occasions (being cross they couldn't come round one day they had invited themselves on, it was because we were waiting for PCR results. They showed no regard whatsoever for if DD had covid, too busy throwing toys out the pram because they couldn't come round).

I don't think you sound controlling. I wouldn't have let my kids pour cat food over the floor either! That's just normal parenting! Your inlaws sound like they're possibly a bit manipulative but my parents can be like this too - they wanted to look after my kids but it always had to be on their timetable and not mine, which didn't work at all as I had a full time job and a schedule I had to stick to. So in the end I said 'no' to their 'help' and paid someone to do it! I think unless you're really lucky, a certain element of this just comes with the grandparenting territory tbh.

@wanderingtrees - I don't think you're controlling. They're manipulative. Time for DH to have a word.