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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My relationship with my mother

35 replies

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 03:22

My mother is now elderly and I've been spending more time with her than before. I've realised I don't like her very much. She is very judgemental about people, especially about their weight, for example. She has told me on a number of occasions that I'm overweight or getting very grey.
She complains (to me) that her friend talks too much about things she's not interested in. She's very conservative.

I've also realised I'm angry that she never spent time with my middle and youngest dc, only with the eldest. They consequently have no relationship with her at all.

When I was a child she didn't play with me and she didn't play with my children either. I don't think she knows how to.

I feel like nothing I've done has been good enough for her, that I'm a disappointment. She can't understand that I'm depressed and have anxiety and she refers to it as me being "the way I am ". She still refers to her parents as mummy and daddy and tells me she cried when she got married and had to leave home. She has strange names for bodily functions like tinkle and doing a business or bizzy that meant I was laughed at and bullied at school. She never talked about periods really, except to say I had my visitor.

I'm so fed up of it all and wish I could never see her again. From the moment I get there I just want to leave, she drives me mad, all she talks about are TV programmes I'm not interested in or classical music I'm also not interested in, but if I try to talk about something she'll say she can't stand that racket or rubbish.

But I'm an only child, there is no one else to visit her. Her nieces don't visit because they live a couple of hours drive away. She lives in semi sheltered accommodation and has many friends, more than I have. She's independent, can look after herself, has a cleaner once a fortnight.

I don't know what I'm asking for really, advice maybe. I'm not sure if this is a toxic relationship, or if she's a narcissist, or just a bit shallow and unable to think outside her box.

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/03/2022 11:33

Why are you spending more time with her? She seems to have friends and support, so what has necessitated you seeing her more? Guilt? Duty? A futile attempt to build a better relationship or gain some validation? Why are you putting yourself though this hell?

ravenmum · 02/03/2022 11:41

How often do you visit? Does she even enjoy it?

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 11:47

@Thingsdogetbetter

Oh, all those things! My dad died in 2015 and I lived 250 miles away, so only visited her twice a year after that. Now I've moved closer so I can help her. But really all she needs me to do is drive her around, as she doesn't drive anymore.

Yes, she thinks we have this close relationship, she wants me to move into a flat in her building!

I think I just feel guilty, I've lived abroad a lot and never close by since I left home.

But you're right, she's fine, she has friends and support.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 11:48

I visit once a week for almost a full day.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 02/03/2022 11:54

A whole day with someone you don't click with is a bit OTT Turnitupto11. If you're nearby, why not just pop in with a slice of cake for an hour - once a month? Or how often would you prefer to visit? You must have other things you need to do!
I've lived abroad the last 30 years. Going over tomorrow for the first time in 3 years. I'm staying 2 days. to save us all any further stress!

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 11:56

I'm half an hour's drive away. She'd never let me go after an hour! She cries if she doesn't see me every week and before someone suggests she's depressed, she's not, she just cries about everything very easily.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 11:59

Tbh at the moment I'd prefer not to visit at all, ever! I'm really peed off about some recent comments she's made and would happily not see her again.

On top of visiting weekly, if I don't ring every second day she leaves messages on my answer phone saying "I haven't heard from you for a long time"

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2022 12:15

She would probably cry at a literal drop of a hat

Drop the rope here that she holds out to you. You would not tolerate this from a friend and nor should you tolerate this from your mother.
What are your boundaries like with regards to her; they likely need raising and revising.

This is emotional manipulation 101 from your mother. She does this because she can and has learnt that doing this (i.e. yanking your chain for many years now) works for her. I can well imagine that your own childhood was hard going to say the least and sadly your mother has not changed. She was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. She has not changed a jot and nor will she ever apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions.

You can only change how you react to her; let her messages to you every other day go unanswered. You also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with her rather than the one you actually got. I would think that your life was a lot happier too when you were living abroad; you also had physical as well as mental distance then. You need to regain physical distance; at the very least start cutting back the number and frequency of visits. Do not be at her constant beck and call; make yourself more unavailable and ignore her carping.

Reading "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride may be helpful to you.

ravenmum · 02/03/2022 12:17

So if you don't visit her you'd feel mildly guilty. And when you do visit her you feel stressed, bored and unhappy. Which is the lesser evil?

If you just want to visit less often, and can't just say you're busy or fed up with her rude comments, then how about saying you've started a new hobby / found a new partner / are doing charity work that unfortunately limits the time you can spend with her? Then only visit in the evening.
Could you turn off the answerphone or block her?

Liverpoolkate · 02/03/2022 12:18

She does sound difficult but I'm in the minority on MN in that I give some wiggle room to elderly people when they are difficult. When my grandad was alive he could be like that very conservative, judgmental and stuck in his ways but when he said something offensive I would say "that's not nice. I don't agree with you. Let's change the subject" and it made the visits easier. I didn't expect him to have interests in the things I like, he was elderly ffs so I would brush up on my football, horseracing, politics etc so that we could talk about the things he liked. It was a bit of a pain sometimes but after he died I was so glad that I spent so much time with him.
I do think a full day is a bit much, a catch up once a week for an hour or 2 is fine and maybe just do things that make it a bit easier for yourself so you don't dread it so much

sleepyhoglet · 02/03/2022 12:19

Okay- rather than visit and stay at her flat, take her out somewhere for the day. Then at least you have distractions

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 12:20

Thank you attila. You're right, she would cry at the drop of a hat! I'll read the book, it describes exactly how I feel.

Living abroad was bliss, although the yearly visits were very stressful! I wish I hadn't moved closer, it cost me a lot of money and I've no friends here, I live on the outskirts of a small run down coastal town, it was the only place I could afford.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2022 12:23

It seems though that this lady has always been difficult so this is not a recent change of behaviour. I would think its one factor as to why the OP moved overseas. I also think that if the OP gives her mother any wrgiggle room she will take a mile!. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them remain actively abusive and or otherwise use manipulation in their old age .

ravenmum · 02/03/2022 12:24

when he said something offensive I would say "that's not nice. I don't agree with you. Let's change the subject" and it made the visits easier
Works with some people. Less so with others. My mother would have a tantrum, screaming, crying and shouting, if I said that something she had done was not nice.
I don't think you're in a minority. I'm sure that many of us ignore the crap some of our relatives spout. But if we are actually hurt by it, we don't have to put our feelings second.

A580Hojas · 02/03/2022 12:25

I hear you OP but some of your complaints about her seem to be very trivial. I think you're building this up a bit. Parents didn't really play with their children in the 70s and 80s and (gently) if you have often been depressed/anxious then that's quite a strain on her too.

My mother has depression/anxiety on and off and tbh it can be incredibly draining to be aware of it constantly. It overshadows everything. Horrible for her but not a walk in the park for her relatives either. I probably use "the way she is" as a descriptor when talking about her to my husband.

Why not see her once a week or fortnight for a couple of hours and speak once a week on the phone. You have this in your control, it doesn't all have to be to her schedule.

Pinkgin9 · 02/03/2022 12:32

Sending you a hug. My mums 69 and I'm 33. She's honestly difficult. I love her. But I don't like how she talks to me. She's patronising and she makes me defensive. She's like your mum in many many ways. Judges peoples looks, obsessed with weight, always picking at people. She's unpleasant about my cousins children because she doesn't like their hair etc.

She rarely played with us or took us places like the park. We had days out with my dad too. But she's never been a mum I've felt close too.

She massively lacks in emotion and was honestly rubbish at support. Even now she talks to me like I'm a silly girl who needs guidance and help. I don't!

My mum never worked and spent her whole life cleaning up and running the home. She didn't do anything other than go into town. No hobbies or interests. She lived a very basic sheltered life. When she saw me doing things my way she couldn't handle it. She wants me chained to the sink. She can't handle me putting up a new profile picture. She has to write something negative like poser.

I don't have much advice but I don't visit mine much anymore. I can go months without seeing her. Facebook is the only way we keep in touch mostly

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 12:35

I've hidden my depression and anxiety from her up to very recently and I've only really told her the bare minimum, so with all due respect I don't think I'm a burden at all, she knows nothing about how I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 12:37

@Pinkgin9

She rarely played with us or took us places like the park. We had days out with my dad too. But she's never been a mum I've felt close too.

She massively lacks in emotion and was honestly rubbish at support. Even now she talks to me like I'm a silly girl who needs guidance and help. I don't!

I don't have much advice but I don't visit mine much anymore. I can go months without seeing her. Facebook is the only way we keep in touch mostly

Oh god yes, don't get me started on hair or clothes, she disapproves of everything. My youngest colours her hair a lot and why not, she's 20! But my mum constantly goes on about it, how awful it looks .. not to her face, because they rarely speak , but to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 12:39

Even now she talks to me like I'm a silly girl who needs guidance and help. I don't! This! She treats me like a child, why am I not wearing a vest, a hat, a coat, a scarf? Why do I eat so late, go to bed late?

OP posts:

A580Hojas · 02/03/2022 12:43

Spend less time with her or stop seeing her. Those are your two choices.

Bunty55 · 02/03/2022 12:49

And if she says something nasty, don't say nothing. Start to tell her off gently for negative comments. She gets away with it which is why she continues.. nothing to stop her.
She sounds like my mother a lot which is an awful thing to say as she was a horror of a woman :(

I wonder what kind of a life her husband had ?

Momijin · 02/03/2022 12:54

Can you go back to live where you were?

It sounds like she doesn't need you and is unpleasant to be around. That's on her.

dottydodah · 02/03/2022 12:59

I think many older people are like this though.They have opinions and a half! Maybe you could try a visit every 2 weeks? When you go over maybe try and go shopping or get some tea and cake out ,Better than staying in . My mum is no longer, here and was sometimes a bit like your Mum .having firm opinions, and talking about Coronation Street! However managed to avoid personal comments luckily. I loved her though ,I think women then had narrow lives and a narrow outlook. They were expected to be HW or work PT.Mum didnt drive and was nervous of little things as well .

PurpleHollyhocks · 02/03/2022 13:01

You don’t like your mum which is totally fine, she does sound like hard work. However, when thinking back on the type of parent she was try not to judge by today’s standards - lots of parents didn’t play or go for days out and did spend all day chained to the kitchen sink. But they did show love and kindness and interest.

Original poster

Turnitupto11 · 02/03/2022 13:39

@PurpleHollyhocks

No, I do get that. Things were different. I also think she did her best. But my grandma played with me. My mum didn't play with her grandchildren, in fact she used to visit just to talk to me and ignored them a lot. Also once when we were on our honeymoon she was staying at ours and looking after ydd who was 6 and dd cried and said she missed me and my mum cried too and said she missed her mummy too. That could sound cute to some of you, but it's not really how to behave around a 6 year old who was scared a bit by it. She didn't give her cuddles or anything, she just told her she missed her dead "mummy"

OP posts:

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