How do I get my ducks in a row?

[BumsnetHQ]

Hi, I'll keep this brief as possible. Married 7 years, one young daughter together.

I just found messages from 'DH' on tiktok eyeroll to some girl saying he has a crush on her and is 'smitten,' also that he is single and never messes around on a partner (asshole). This isn't the first time it's happened, but the first time during the marriage and baby stage of our relationship. Besides that things aren't great, I feel like I'm doing everything to keep the house running and deal with DD's illness and he's just not pulling his weight and does nothing but game in his free time.

My question is, how do I get my ducks in row? Surely I'm worth more than this? I don't want to do this for the rest of my life and he brings nothing to the relationship. So what are my next moves, I literally have no idea where to start.

A line of breadcrumbs

That's very helpful thank you

@DillonPanthersTexas

A line of breadcrumbs

Really helpful

BumsnetHQ I'm sure others will have a better idea but this might be a good starting point:
planner.relate.org.uk/getting-organised/getting-organised-tools/getting-documents-together

Good luck!

Following for answers too. Good luck op, you deserve more that what he is giving

Not exactly sure but some idea

1. Talk to a solicitor
2. get copies of bank statements from his bank and shared account. Any information on his pension.

Hopefully others will be along with a more detailed list

Put any money you can into your own account.
Get all paperwork together including dd’s birth certificate, passport, your passport, any other ID. Leave these with a friend you trust if there’s any chance he’ll destroy them.
Speak to a solicitor.
Line up somewhere to live or stay.
Make copies of evidence of his cheating/ lying.

Get any debts into his name only if you can. Assets into yours.
Copy as much financial paperwork as you can —- evidence of his wages, pension, savings in his own name. It’s surprising how much men “forget” or lose when asked to present to divorce courts.

Do you have any paperwork?
All our payslips, bank statements etc are all online and password protected.

We're in a different situation than most, I don't work and am on PIP for severe depression and anxiety. And he gave up work when baby was born because she was so ill and I had terrible postnatal depression. But it's 2 years later and he hasn't gotten back into work. I think he's pension is probably about £100 from an old uni job and mine is very small from a few years ago. I have inheritance of about £5000 that is in cash so that's good. No big debts but I did just buy him a new PC for over £1000 like a complete fool. We rent and don't own any cars/assets. So assuming this will be very easy and straightforward to split?

I know our situation is pathetic compared to most 30 year olds, trust me I know I've accomplished nothing in life so far besides my beautiful daughter and a BA degree so please no judgement

It sounds as if it will be straightforward
Have you contacted a solicitor?

@BumsnetHQ

I know our situation is pathetic compared to most 30 year olds, trust me I know I've accomplished nothing in life so far besides my beautiful daughter and a BA degree so please no judgement

Don’t think like that!! You have a degree, always useful if you return to work in the future. You have a lovely child. You have determination. Make sure your inheritance is out of sight. It will be very useful as a rental deposit, or similar. If you’ve decided to leave arrange as much as you can with housing in advance. It makes a stressful time a little easier if you know where you’re going to sleep. Good luck.

Get any debts into his name only if you can. Assets into yours.

@Xpologog

Why?

Thank you, I'm trying to keep it together but it's all just hit me. I'm a self harmer and the urge is so so strong, I'm trying desperately not to. He doesn't know that I know yet and I have no idea how I'm going to keep it together in front of him, I'm not ready to confront him yet, need diazepam to do that I think

Oh don't be hard on yourself, OP. I divorced at 30 with a little baby boy in arms and my ex and I had nothing between us. I got the ol' banger.

But that wasn't a measure of my worth!
I'm 50 now and divorcing a second time (go me! Winning rhymes with Winning- where's Charlie Sheen when we need him?). And 20 years down the road from the last time, I have assets galore but I'm not a more important or greater person because of this. Not at all. In fact, I think I was a better, happier human being when I had less! But that's for another thread.

This should be straightforward. If it's relatively amicable, you can just do mediation. You don't even really need a solicitor, tbh, though I absolutely recommend having a good initial consultation with one or else a direct access barrister. You don't really need to go down the path of "talk to my lawyer... for 150 quid every time!" Try and avoid that. But don't avoid getting really solid legal advice. You can take that advice and then do the forms yourself.
The form E is the big one. There's a great website called Advice Now that has a short film on how to fill out your form E, point by point. It's just a really helpful website overall for anyone going through divorce.
I also recommend the Smart Divorce podcast with Tamsin Caine. She has an episode for every type of divorce. She is really excellent. She's a financial advisor who gets solicitors on her podcast. You'll be a legal eagle and much more interested in how to maximise your finances by the end.

I'm so sorry though that you're facing this now. But our children really do give us a strength we couldn't ever know without them. For me, being a mother was my lifebuoy throughout my first divorce (and now second) and it gave/gives me purpose like nothing else before. May you find strength in that love you hold so dearly for your beloved girl. And I hope you will find a peaceful path with your husband as you navigate this uncharted terrain.

Oh and learn to box breathe like a Navy SEAL, OP.
I do this ALL the time.

@TheVanguardSix

Oh don't be hard on yourself, OP. I divorced at 30 with a little baby boy in arms and my ex and I had nothing between us. I got the ol' banger. But that wasn't a measure of my worth! I'm 50 now and divorcing a second time (go me! Winning rhymes with Winning- where's Charlie Sheen when we need him?). And 20 years down the road from the last time, I have assets galore but I'm not a more important or greater person because of this. Not at all. In fact, I think I was a better, happier human being when I had less! But that's for another thread.

This should be straightforward. If it's relatively amicable, you can just do mediation. You don't even really need a solicitor, tbh, though I absolutely recommend having a good initial consultation with one or else a direct access barrister. You don't really need to go down the path of "talk to my lawyer... for 150 quid every time!" Try and avoid that. But don't avoid getting really solid legal advice. You can take that advice and then do the forms yourself.
The form E is the big one. There's a great website called Advice Now that has a short film on how to fill out your form E, point by point. It's just a really helpful website overall for anyone going through divorce.
I also recommend the Smart Divorce podcast with Tamsin Caine. She has an episode for every type of divorce. She is really excellent. She's a financial advisor who gets solicitors on her podcast. You'll be a legal eagle and much more interested in how to maximise your finances by the end.

I'm so sorry though that you're facing this now. But our children really do give us a strength we couldn't ever know without them. For me, being a mother was my lifebuoy throughout my first divorce (and now second) and it gave/gives me purpose like nothing else before. May you find strength in that love you hold so dearly for your beloved girl. And I hope you will find a peaceful path with your husband as you navigate this uncharted terrain.

Thank you for your compassion, it's made me cry! I know I can do this but the pain is just so extreme. My whole life for the last ten years is about to be completely destroyed, and we were just about to try for another baby. Who knows now if I'll ever have another baby, it's breaking my heart. How do you manage to get through the day?

@TheVanguardSix

Oh and learn to box breathe like a Navy SEAL, OP. I do this ALL the time.

Thanks for the tip, I do the one where you breathing in really deep then breathe out really slowly like you're blowing through a straw, it helps but not quite cutting it right now unfortunately

@Xpologog

Get any debts into his name only if you can. Assets into yours. Copy as much financial paperwork as you can —- evidence of his wages, pension, savings in his own name. It’s surprising how much men “forget” or lose when asked to present to divorce courts.

How would I get debts into his name? He was asked to sort the council tax once we moved because I couldn't handle anything after the baby was born but he didn't and now it's up to over a £1000 debt, could that be moved over to just his name?

@BumsnetHQ

Thank you, I'm trying to keep it together but it's all just hit me. I'm a self harmer and the urge is so so strong, I'm trying desperately not to. He doesn't know that I know yet and I have no idea how I'm going to keep it together in front of him, I'm not ready to confront him yet, need diazepam to do that I think

OP you need to reach out for professional help. You already know this is going to be a tough time and you need support.

@DillonPanthersTexas

A line of breadcrumbs

Now keyboard warrier do think about how your responce on here can effect the person seeking advice. You never know that person could be you some day.

"@Xpologog Get any debts into his name only if you can. Assets into yours.
Copy as much financial paperwork as you can —- evidence of his wages, pension, savings in his own name. It’s surprising how much men “forget” or lose when asked to present to divorce courts".

What the actual hell???

@DillonPanthersTexas "A line of breadcrumbs"

Jeez, how rude and insensitive. Op is not Hansel & Gretel fgs!

I’d speak to the Council Tax dept re the arrears. Check whose name appears on the bill.
Sorry, my “put all the debts in his name” sounds a bit harsh and man hating ! Friend of mine, divorcing her H, asked me ( I’m an accountant) to go through all their bank statements as there seemed to be a lot of debt and no assets when there should have been the opposite. I found he’d remortgaged their house and taken the money, put everything on joint credit cards ( so expenses he’d been refunded at work appeared as debts on joint credit cards, he’d banked the refund, all money hidden by his family until after the divorce financial agreement was finalised) it left her in a very weak situation financially at an emotionally difficult time.
So I’m very much for keeping money safe and debts not in the name of the persona who is likely to come off worse in a divorce.

Somewhere in mn archives are threads of fabulous advice ( Vanguard has made a great contribution here), can anyone remember how to find them and link?