How do I get my ducks in a row?

[BumsnetHQ]

Hi, I'll keep this brief as possible. Married 7 years, one young daughter together.

I just found messages from 'DH' on tiktok eyeroll to some girl saying he has a crush on her and is 'smitten,' also that he is single and never messes around on a partner (asshole). This isn't the first time it's happened, but the first time during the marriage and baby stage of our relationship. Besides that things aren't great, I feel like I'm doing everything to keep the house running and deal with DD's illness and he's just not pulling his weight and does nothing but game in his free time.

My question is, how do I get my ducks in row? Surely I'm worth more than this? I don't want to do this for the rest of my life and he brings nothing to the relationship. So what are my next moves, I literally have no idea where to start.

My plan to get my ducks in a row:

-Save as much money as possible.
-Get as much ‘evidence’ as possible. For me, this includes bank statements, but for you it may mean screenshots of his conversations.
-Starting to do all the household stuff that I find difficult that DH does (tiny plumbing and electrical jobs).
-Cultivating friendships so that when I’m single, I’ll have a group of friends for support.

Op - your username- were you on the old bumsnet conception threads or is this is coincidence? Wonder if you have some online friends you can lean on.

@Xpologog

I’d speak to the Council Tax dept re the arrears. Check whose name appears on the bill. Sorry, my “put all the debts in his name” sounds a bit harsh and man hating ! Friend of mine, divorcing her H, asked me ( I’m an accountant) to go through all their bank statements as there seemed to be a lot of debt and no assets when there should have been the opposite. I found he’d remortgaged their house and taken the money, put everything on joint credit cards ( so expenses he’d been refunded at work appeared as debts on joint credit cards, he’d banked the refund, all money hidden by his family until after the divorce financial agreement was finalised) it left her in a very weak situation financially at an emotionally difficult time. So I’m very much for keeping money safe and debts not in the name of the persona who is likely to come off worse in a divorce.

I worries I understand where you're coming from. As far as I'm aware there are no substantial debts but I know he uses PayPal credit and klarna sometimes but both are in his name so should be good

@incompetentcervix

Op - your username- were you on the old bumsnet conception threads or is this is coincidence? Wonder if you have some online friends you can lean on.

Just a coincidence, my other user name was the same as what I used on something my family know and not ready to tell them yet so using this one. I have no friends because of severe social anxiety :/

Go and see a divorce solicitor.

Are you getting medical help too? Hope you have a good GP.