My husband invalidates my feelings

[Mocca8]

Hi I'm a bit upset as have just had a conversation with my husband and I'm blown away with how he has made me feel, in that you just wouldn't say/support your partner like this. He said oh you don't realise how lucky you are you get to ride (I ride for 1 hr a week, paid for by myself from savings and my parents watch my toddler, it's a juggle for 1 hr but it's like therapy for me after my 3rd child and ptsd and pnd) he clearly resents me for this as brings it up all the time. I've been back riding for less than a year I don't do anything else for myself, I can't work as he works so much and if I work I have to pay for all the childcare myself, I have 3 kiddies who I devote my life to and adore and I look after him too, when I say he doesn't lift a finger he doesn't. He wouldn't even empty the dishwasher or take the kids to the park. He goes to work and works very hard but also burries himself in work to avoid family life. I said I may comment I'm exhausted but I'm just making a comment, it's not a competition...in reference to the ride I said I get time to breath, to think...I lost 2 friends this year and I said I didn't even get time to grieve for them my life is a million miles an hour...he then said what friends I never even hear you talk about them...where they even at our wedding...have they been to this house ...I reacted and said I can't believe you have invalidated my feelings about loosing special people. They were elderly and lived abroad. He doesn't listen to me so how would he know if I mention these friends which I often have, showed him cards received from them, gifts they sent my children, it's just really upset me that a partner would react that way to someone....he then laid into me about several other things. I said why are you trying to start a fight, you've been trying all week, picking at me or starting a fight... I really struggle with how much he resents me that he works full time but I said what would you do if you didn't have a family? Sit at home all day?! I worked full time leaving at 6am and not getting back until 8pm or later and still had to cook and clean that's life.... sorry just had to vent as feel he really really doesn't want to be with me and can be so cruel...

This sounds miserable, OP.

If you went back to work, childcare shouldn't be paid for from your salary alone. Don't you share money and expenses? You are both parents together.

Don't give up the riding!!!

You say if you went back to work you would have to pay for all the childcare - as if this is an unchangeable state. Why?

Why would your husband refuse to share this cost?

Are your children also his? (Even if not, if you’re married then family costs should be paid for as a family.)

It doesn’t sound as if you get much joy from this relationship.

And any decent husband / partner would want you to have good quality leisure time every week.

Sorry to hear about your situation. How utterly frustrating.

Has he always been like this? He sounds like a 1950s misogynist, believing that you should only live for him and the children. That any kind of alone time I.e the riding, is too much of an indulgence. He needs some kind of wake up call. You can’t live your life like this with a man that does not want to support you, and grinds you down. And remember the children are watching him treat you this way.

How does he get the idea that he is not responsible for half the child care costs if you worked outside the home?

I think him invalidating your feelings is only one aspect that's makes your dh a shitty partner.

If you work, why do you have to pay for childcare? They are his dc too, he should be responsible for paying. Why is he not contributing towards the house keeping and dc at weekends, why is he spoiling for a fight. What exactly, except finances, does he bring to the relationship?

Tbh I'd put some serious thought into leaving, that way you'd get cm, potentially be eligible for benefits and be able to work.

Why would all the child care fall on you? Are they not his children as well?

He doesn't want you riding because he doesn't consider you an actual human being who deserves time to follow their passions. You are an appliance. There to look after him, your children and to work yourself to death with no help from him.

This isn't a marriage, it is slavery. You deserve more

He sounds awful.

You are married?

Are you happily married because he sounds deeply unpleasant and unkind.

Have you access to all finances?

He sounds like he dislikes you having any joy for yourself which is not good.

Secretly save up and make plans. Never give up riding, he does not like it because he cannot control it.

Leaving aside all the other issues, and there's a lot of those, your feelings are always valid. I know how it feels to struggle to believe that, H spent years telling me my feelings weren't valid. If I was upset at his lack of help or his mean behaviour it was always that my emotions were wrong. When I felt scared, I was horrible for telling him that, I was expected to get over it. I could write a few chapters at least like this. I've started counseling recently and early on my therapist when we were talking of how he would say my feelings were wrong, she told me there was no such thing. Your feelings are your mind and bodies reaction to the situation. It's okay to feel whatever you feel, resentment, anger, hurt. There are limits on what behaviour is ok as a result of those emotions, but the emotions themselves are always valid. He's wrong and he's harming you by invalidating your emotions.

Just taking the loss of your friends as an example - he is (a) jealous that you had these friends; (b) angry at you for mourning them when you should be paying HIM the attention and (c) wanting to make you feel even worse when you're already struggling. This will probably be quite evident in every other aspect of your life with him.

What is it he resents so much about the riding? Is it the money? Is it because he gets left with the kids?

How old are your children?

If you worked why would you have to pay for the childcare yourself? What job did you do previously?

How many hours does he work? Is he a high earner? He obviously thinks he has a Very Important Job.

What income do you get of your own, to spend as you wish? (if you are paying for riding from your savings, why?)

It sounds like he is treating you like a skivvy, and that you get very little time to yourself to breathe (and I can advocate riding as a perfect, head clearing, able to breather activity).

You're already in a prison of his making...........

You will only ever be free to be yourself when you've broken free of this prison.

Your feelings, thoughts and aspirations are NOT 'wrong' or 'irrelevant', they are what makes YOU an individual. (But that is NOT what he wants ! He wants you to remain his prisoner. He wants to continue to tell you what to think and how to feel, dependent on HIS needs and desires !)

You only have 2 choices.

1. Continue with your life as his 'captive', where HE will tell you how to act, think and feel. Forever.

1. Force yourself to break free by refusing to accept the limitations HE has previously made you accept. e.g Get a job. Refuse to engage in domestic chores for him (just do washing/cooking etc for yourself and the kids). Leave him and start fresh with your DC.

Only you can choose what kind of life you live, and what kind of an example you want your DC to follow.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he likes you very much, because he's trying to spoil your tiny moment of enjoyment that you get for yourself.

Is this any way to live? You weren't born to be a slave to him.

My exh resented every penny spent on myself or my dc
.
Exh.

Like others have said get a job, start working towards gaining some independence weather you stay in the relationship or not.
This is not a healthy dynamic and really needs to change.
How old are the kids? Would even a part time job be affordable for now?

Please google emotional invalidation to understand what he is doing

Thank you so much for all your messages, I'm literally over whelmed at the support and also the confirmation that I'm not going crazy and acting like a spoilt princess. I could quite a book as to how he's upset me over the years but when it's good (ie no arguments and just getting on it's livable) I really have been thinking I don't recognise myself anymore, I used to take great care of myself and my health and appearance and then wow betide me if I went for a facial (again I'd pay myself or vouchers from lived ones for birthdays) or do my nails or even get my hair done. I've stopped all of that now and if I did go for anything I would never tell him as its not worth the throw back later when an argument arises. If i went out with friends I get reminded of that and believe me I hardly go out. I always say happy for him to go out do whatever he likes I've no problem but he chooses not to. But I can see more and more controlling behaviour and I just wondered if my expectations as a SAHM are wrong....what is expected? He gives me housekeeping every week and that is 250 that has ro cover all food for family of 5, petrol, activities, clothes for the children and also after school clubs which alone is £600 there a bouts a term 😳 which leaves me very over drawn and constantly dipping into my savings. I have also given him lumps of my savings gs to further his dreams which I hope to get back....probably about £80k (i know stupid please dont tekk me off on that one) but i do trust him and know he has dreams and goals and hope it really does work out. But all i have seen for 10 years is just struggle and never getting far and always being told how lucky we have it. I have to stay until i get my money back but my worry is he remortgages things and bridge loans etc has he more debt than im aware and will end up taking all i have for my children? Im absolutely terrifed to leave as think is the grass really greener? Will i be crammed into a bedsit with all these children struggling. Im petrified. My eldest is from a previous but was 2 years old when we got together and the other 2 are his. I know he adores them. He doesn't have a great relationship with my eldest and this is a real heartache for me too as I side with her (being the child) and he says oh you always side with her but of course I will pull her up if she is in the wrong and the attitude etc we are getting to teens so it's going to get worse I'm terrified. He clearly isn't a family man and can't have fun so to speak I don't think he knows how as his father's the same, never looks at my kids but dotes on the other grandchildren so the in laws have added extra strain to lots of resentment and rejection worries but again how dare I say anything. My parents are supportive (but old school... I've made my bed etc etc) but his family have sidelined me completely (mainly one sister) which is so sad as I can't think what I've done wrong. It's was awful but again too long to get into. But he makes me feel like I've over sensitive which they often call me. To which of course I do not take any notice as that's who I am, I have empathy and am an open book. My feelings are valid I absolutely agree. I was just so upset I mentioned loosing my lovely friends and he said that's funny I never hear you talk about them and almost tried to start a fight over something so upsetting. I think I do have to stay sadly for the children and also put my big girl pants on and just get on with life. There was a question if there's anything left over for me to treat myself with is....no. Even if I go out for my birthday dinner he wouldn't even think to say I'll get this...he says you've got savings that what they're there for. I said no it's for our house when we eventually get one! We don't have joint accounts. Married 6 years together 10... yes I feel like a skivy not to mention no.love or affection what so ever its very sad 😞

Staying for the children is never the answer, it results in miserable parents and has a miserable effect on the children which they remember!

How old are your children? Are you entitled to any nursery provision for your youngest that would allow you to work? It doesn't sound like you can see the woods for the trees!

Why are you giving him your savings? £80k over the years and nothing to show for it is that correct? Do you not own a house with that? You have mentioned remortgaging but also said your savings are "for your house when you get one"? What are these dreams he is chasing?

Mocca

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. That is correct; none. Your relationship is over because of the abuses he metes out to you and in turn your kids who will pick up on all the vibes here if they have not already. Their house is absolutely not the sanctuary it should be. Its not your fault either that your H has decided to embark on his own private based war against you; his sister is cut from the same rotten cloth they've come from a family of abusers themselves).

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Would you be willing to contact Womens Aid here; they have an online chat facility or you could go into Boots and access help for yourself that way.

I am so sorry to read that your parents are not actually all that supportive; their attitude of, "you've made your bed" should be consigned to the Dark Ages where it belongs.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man who wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Controlling you (and in turn your kids) like he is abusive behaviour as is the financial control shown to you also.

DO NOT STAY WITH HIM FOR THE CHILDREN; I am sorry to shout here but doing that will be the absolute worse thing you can do here for both you and your kids. You do not have to martyr yourself here and there is no medal handed out for doing that. They won't say "thanks mum" to you for doing that either and could well accuse you of putting him before them. You will also further wreck your own wellbeing in the process by staying.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. What message would you be sending your kids if you stayed for them; it teaches them also that your relationship with their dad was based on a lie.

As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modelled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we DO that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Your only real option going forward is to leave your abusive husband and from that to rebuild your life. He is not above the law here.

My DH and I stay together for the DC. But its a partnership and we are reasonable people who are respectful of each other and completely open and sharing of the finances. Noone is miserable, if we were we would separate properly. It works ok.
What you have on the other hand is an emotionally and financially abusive husband and I honestly think you'd be happier away from him, he sounds dreadful.

I don’t understand why do you need to pay for all the child care if you work, are you saying he would refuse to contribute? Which is illogical from him as he clearly resents the fact you don’t work

Why do you need to stay till you get your 80 k back? In a divorce rhe assets are split so it’s irrelevant whose name it’s in

Life doesnt have to be shit OP. You wont get another shot at it. This man doesnt wish good things for you. Nor do his family. He doesnt like you or your daughter.
Im glad youve posted here. The time was right and you know you deserve better than this

You are in a hugely abusive relationship, including financial.

He is creating debt, borrowing from your savings to keep you stuck.

He is an abuser.

Please call Womens aid for a chat and advice.

This is no life for you or your poor daughter.

Another marriage thread I really would prefer not to be true.

@Mocca8

Get your priorities straight OP.

You and your DC ARE the no.1 priority.

Any money you've 'given' him, consider it lost. Even if he DID manage to earn it back, YOU'D see bugger all of that money again.

Get your 'ducks in a row' asap ! Copies of all financial paperwork, finance agreements, car ownership details, insurance paperwork, bank accounts, savings, investments, business accounts etc (including the cash you've 'lent' the business !), passports, birth certificates.(Store all these with a friend or relative who is trustworthy)
Pack up all sentimental items secretly and again, store somewhere safe outside your home.
Get an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your rights etc and how best to proceed.

Use your savings to get yourself a rented place with the kids, and stop all the extra 'activities' that cost £600 per TERM ffs !

File for a divorce, and once you have your financial settlement and child maintenance you can live your life freely again.

You MUST leave him. You really don't have a choice, unless you are content for your eldest to live as Cinderella ? Complete with horrible Step-Father and Step-Grandparents who clearly only 'tolerate' her under duress ?

The 'divide' will only get worse, the older she gets. She will become the 'scapegoat' for everything .

What the hell would/could her life be like if you, God forbid, became unwell or even died ?