My husband invalidates my feelings

[Mocca8]

Hi I'm a bit upset as have just had a conversation with my husband and I'm blown away with how he has made me feel, in that you just wouldn't say/support your partner like this. He said oh you don't realise how lucky you are you get to ride (I ride for 1 hr a week, paid for by myself from savings and my parents watch my toddler, it's a juggle for 1 hr but it's like therapy for me after my 3rd child and ptsd and pnd) he clearly resents me for this as brings it up all the time. I've been back riding for less than a year I don't do anything else for myself, I can't work as he works so much and if I work I have to pay for all the childcare myself, I have 3 kiddies who I devote my life to and adore and I look after him too, when I say he doesn't lift a finger he doesn't. He wouldn't even empty the dishwasher or take the kids to the park. He goes to work and works very hard but also burries himself in work to avoid family life. I said I may comment I'm exhausted but I'm just making a comment, it's not a competition...in reference to the ride I said I get time to breath, to think...I lost 2 friends this year and I said I didn't even get time to grieve for them my life is a million miles an hour...he then said what friends I never even hear you talk about them...where they even at our wedding...have they been to this house ...I reacted and said I can't believe you have invalidated my feelings about loosing special people. They were elderly and lived abroad. He doesn't listen to me so how would he know if I mention these friends which I often have, showed him cards received from them, gifts they sent my children, it's just really upset me that a partner would react that way to someone....he then laid into me about several other things. I said why are you trying to start a fight, you've been trying all week, picking at me or starting a fight... I really struggle with how much he resents me that he works full time but I said what would you do if you didn't have a family? Sit at home all day?! I worked full time leaving at 6am and not getting back until 8pm or later and still had to cook and clean that's life.... sorry just had to vent as feel he really really doesn't want to be with me and can be so cruel...

Honestly, better for you and your kids potentially a little while spent in a bedsit or whatever than a lifetime in a house with this man.

I have also given him lumps of my savings gs to further his dreams which I hope to get back....probably about £80k (i know stupid please dont tell me off on that one) but i do trust him and know he has dreams and goals and hope it really does work out.

Of course I'm not going to tell you off, we trust and love them and do things like this until we realise what fools we are being taken for. I am going to suggest that you would be well advised to get as much paperwork together to show the money you have lent/given him, it should stand you in good stead when it comes to separating, if that's what you decide to do.

I also suggest you try and not trust him quite so much, he's turning out to be not who you thought he was isn't he.

I also suggest phoning Women's Aid to ask for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in abusive marriages and also to just have a chat with them for yourself, their support is invaluable.

Lastly, do not tell him you know he's being abusive, keep it to yourself for now, you need to keep yourself and your children safe

He doesn't adore his children as he pays them no attention.

He is horrible to your eldest - how do you think they feel about that? He'll only get worse as they get older - he'll start resenting the money they cost

Do your parents know what he's like?

Read all the advice above and follow it.

I also think that this sounds like a prison and not a marriage. Fuck this OP. Your DH begrugdes you any joy, that's someone who is supposed to love you! I wouldn't be able to even look at my DH if he treated me like this. Bloody ridiculous you would have to pay for childcare yourself so you can work. WTF!

Am so sorry to read your story and very upsetting. Sorry to say but he is an absolute pig. I grew up in a family like this where the men treated women awful and undermined us. You need to start making plans to get away from him before he destroys every bit of you. The children will also be happier away from him as he does not seem to do anything with them anyway. Peace of mind counts for so much. Please ring women's aid just to talk to someone when he is at work and keep ringing them and talking and try to make some plans to escape and to start again. Do not give him any more money. He gives you nothing, no love, support, understanding and undermines you and has no empathy at all. Please think of how your life could be and you will not have to do anything for that man ever again so you will have less stress and no one constantly putting you down. Life is too short to be with a bully ignorant man. You can do this and tell him you are having a 2nd hour of riding and tell him to go to hell next time he starts at you. Men like this grind you down so you cannot leave but you have an inner strength and find your anger and make plans. Wishing you all the best.

I agree with @Anniefrenchfry.
OP,Your husband clearly resents the fact that you don't work. From his perspective he has to pay for everything including funding a child that is not his.
That doesn't make for a healthy relationship. You need financial equality and the sooner you return to work the better. Financial imbalance leads to resentment.
Either leave him but you would be expected to get a job and start earning. Or stay, get a job and insist that all domestic chores are split 50:50. Independence would be good for you too.

Thank you all for your messages. I just wanted to update you. I couldn't wait any longer and there were a few incidents that broke the camels back so to speak. It just got too much and we ended up having an argument but sadly infront of 2 of the children. The little one is young enough to not really know but the 6 year old the one I worry most about burst into tears and has since been crying for no reason it's broken my heart. Later when I said I cant do this anymore, I can take the rough with the smooth and appreciate he works very hard however I'm constantly way over my over draft and we don't "live" for how hard he works. He's angry all the time criticises me constantly ridicules me and infront of the children and my step son. And just generally seems unhappy and angry. There's no love or intimacy (I can count 4 times in 5 years!!!!!) And his response to that was maybe I'm just not attracted to you...you don't even wax (his words were far more immature relating to a hairy lady region) I laughed and said how would you know and I do wax but then gave up as was for nothing!!! But I do keep it tidy fyi. Even when I looked good he didn't look at me! I said very immature and shallow and if that how he feels.then what is there to keep going. We gave it a few days and have approached the subject again as to what we plan to do. In my head I am done. My children mental health is above anything and they will suffer so I haven't time to get my ducks in a row sadly. He agreed to separate however let's not tell the children as don't want to upset them ....just stay where we are for now until he's finished his project and can give me my money back and get the children sorted. Also absolutely not to be meeting anyone else right now as it won't be fair on the children. Obviously I would not be aiming for that or introducing my children to another man. If anything I see a future flying solo as I can't bear the thought of being another skivy to someone sadly. Now I'm feeling well...what's changed?? I'm still here doing all the childcare housework cooking running around 7 days a week while he still just goes to work....and I'm stuck...i asked him to move into his parents, me and kids will squeeze into a 2 bed he owns but rents out and the rental we live in currently we say goodbye to but he said no. I'm really not sure how to proceed. I spoke to a solicitor who suggested mediation to finalise everything that was before while I was getting things in order but he won't now. He clearly doesn't love me he admitted to having a few issues himself OCD being one and I said we just aren't compatible and that's that now. Life is too short to be miserable. I drive him mad and I'm an empath ....he is most definitely not he's very hard and black and white and I find him very angry and aggressive and always having a go at me has made me feel so downtrodden so I said it's hurting my soul being like this as it isn't me, arguing and being so stressed and anxious all the time I'm just not that person. It's awful but now what on earth do I do?? Nothing seems to have changed and I'm walking around in a daze as have split up but yet can't even tell anyone...I have nothing sadly.

Well you don’t have to do what he says. It’s not up to him to decide everything. If you want to move on and separate, get the ball rolling - see a Solicitor, look for alternative accommodation and/or any benefit entitlements etc.

you only get one life and this seems miserable.

OP

You relationship is controlling and hugely abusive, including financial.

You really need to call Womens aid for advice and support.

He is an awful man.

He doesn't get to control how you separate.

You need to reach out to Domestic abuse organisations for support including your GP.

Get your phone out and start calling organisations that can help you and your children.

He has been financially abusing and controlling you, which is a crime.

Get support to move things along.

Does he work for himself, if so it is a limited company? This is to work out CMS payments.

Work out what is best for you...could you move to rented place and get housing support? Locate financial information,other than the house, are there other assets such as pensions?

Don't discuss this with him...keep your powder dry until you have a plan. Mediation is not usually positive with a resentful controlling man however it is required before court. A solicitor will help you with options.

I tried to call woman's aid a few times and the wait was crazy I just had to cut off in the end so many times as the children were due to be picked up or had to go in somewhere. No pensions. Yes limited companies. I get £250 a week but that is all no extras for the kids. This covers all food, petrol, house hold bits, cleaning products, toiletries, vitamins etc school uniforms, shoes, trainers, hair cuts for kids (luxury!) normal clothes, clubs and any days out or anything additional car parking ice creams etc. Am I being terrible with money that I'm always over drawn ? Just the kit for secondary school has winded me as that's a laptop and all the uniforms 😱 I have to pay for all of that...but maybe he is really trying to build a business but I've had this for 10 years I'm not sure why it doesn't get any better. Any money made just goes back into the business. He sounds like he knows what he's talking about but without me sounding like I'm putting him down I worry he isn't business savy at all. I just feel bad as maybe I'm not being very supportive and expecting too much....I'm also terrified ill be worse off a d never get to see my children as always working just to pay the rent and bills it's very scary...

Hi. How are you now? Are things any better? I hope so.

Exactly this... and he's controlling.
When he says youre lucky you ride, tell him he's lucky to have someone like you...repeat repeat. Then grey rock him.

He leaves at 6am/back at 8pm. You work 24/7. Your always oncall with the kids.

sounds like hes checked out. Your house/family is somewhere he lodges and gets his pants laundered. you sound fed up of it.

is it time for a change?