Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends never remembers things the same way- cannot move past arguments.

33 replies

Riley01 · 28/02/2022 13:55

My boyfriend is (27) and I (28) have been together for 5 years. We moved in together 2 years ago and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, with a big sticking point that we cannot seem to move forward from arguments.

If I have raise a concern and tell him something hurt me, he will have a knee jerk defensive reaction. He will argue logically and to win rather than show any compassion.

It’s particularly concerning that for the majority of the arguments we have, we have a different version of reality. He will say he never said things that I believe he did, twists things into a more favourable light for himself or brings up things I’ve done wrong. I generally feel he diverts the conversation from the issue so it never gets resolved.

As I have no evidence, I often come to believe that there may have been misunderstandings. I try to resolve the situation by saying that it’s okay to disagree on remembering, but it’s hurtful that my feelings surrounding the issue never get acknowledged. His argument is that he cannot show compassion for something he hasn’t done, and I am basically forcing him to apologise for something he hasn’t done before we can move forward.

This usually ends with me feeling like an awful person and never having any of my feelings acknowledged. I feel so exhausted by his defensiveness and circular arguments that I usually just back off. My sense of judgment is also shot at this point. These seem like such small issues which we can just not move past.

Can anybody offer some clarity on if it’s even possible to move past this?

OP posts:
ugifletzet · 28/02/2022 14:10

It's very difficult to give advice without more specific examples of what you mean. Do your arguments tend to go like this?

Him: "I'm really tired with all this work, but as you couldn't be bothered to mow the lawn, I've got to do it."
You: "I've been very busy too. I'm hurt that you think I'm lazy while you're just tired."
Him: "I never said the word 'lazy'. I'm just being practical. One of us needs to do the garden. If I was all emotional like you nothing would ever get done."

Or are your arguments more like this?

Him: "One of us needs to mow the lawn this weekend."
You: "Are you calling me lazy because it's not been done?"
Him: "No, that's not what I meant."
You: "But it made me feel lazy. Can't you apologise?"

He might be being unreasonable to you and then trying to manipulate you into thinking your own memories and instincts are wrong, but it could also be that you really are misinterpreting him. It's impossible to tell without a concrete example.

Movingonup22 · 28/02/2022 14:12

Leave

SamphiretheStickerist · 28/02/2022 14:15

It's one of those things that kills all respect, let alone love, in a relationship.

Bail out. Save your sanity.

PositiveLife · 28/02/2022 14:23

Leave.

I had one of these. I'm sure he was lying/making stuff up/undermining me but then I'd end up questioning myself. I stayed way too long.

In reality, it doesn't matter if he's right or not...it's fucking exhausting for you and you're not happy.

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/02/2022 14:26

Sounds like gaslighting to me. Not healthy.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2022 14:39

The measure of a relationship isn't how much fun you have in the good times. It's how you deal with conflict. If you can't get through issues smoothly, in a way that makes you feel ok once you've talked things through, then you're not compatible.

Sleepytimebear · 28/02/2022 14:48

This is gaslighting. My exH was the same, just one of many abusive behaviours. I should have left when he started doing this.

yellowsmileyface · 28/02/2022 14:49

Have you heard of the DARVO technique? It sounds like that's what he's doing. I'd suggest googling it and seeing if it resonates.

If that is what he's doing, it's gaslighting and abuse.

Original poster
Riley01 · 28/02/2022 18:07

I’d never heard of this- thank you for telling me about it. Resonating profoundly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Riley01 · 28/02/2022 18:09

Thank you to everybody who took the time to comment. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
NCnora · 28/02/2022 18:09

Came on to say DARVO too, sorry op.

Suprima · 28/02/2022 18:10

@Riley01

My boyfriend is (27) and I (28) have been together for 5 years. We moved in together 2 years ago and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, with a big sticking point that we cannot seem to move forward from arguments.

If I have raise a concern and tell him something hurt me, he will have a knee jerk defensive reaction. He will argue logically and to win rather than show any compassion.

It’s particularly concerning that for the majority of the arguments we have, we have a different version of reality. He will say he never said things that I believe he did, twists things into a more favourable light for himself or brings up things I’ve done wrong. I generally feel he diverts the conversation from the issue so it never gets resolved.

As I have no evidence, I often come to believe that there may have been misunderstandings. I try to resolve the situation by saying that it’s okay to disagree on remembering, but it’s hurtful that my feelings surrounding the issue never get acknowledged. His argument is that he cannot show compassion for something he hasn’t done, and I am basically forcing him to apologise for something he hasn’t done before we can move forward.

This usually ends with me feeling like an awful person and never having any of my feelings acknowledged. I feel so exhausted by his defensiveness and circular arguments that I usually just back off. My sense of judgment is also shot at this point. These seem like such small issues which we can just not move past.

Can anybody offer some clarity on if it’s even possible to move past this?

5 years No ring (thank christ) so he’s wasting your time anyway Terrible emotional intelligence You don’t get on very well- it’s not normal to argue and have this many ups and downs despite nonsense about ‘relationships being haaaard’

Why would you want to get past this? Like why? Why are you settling for this car crash in your twenties?

Cuddlemuffin · 28/02/2022 18:12

Gaslighting 100% I'd look up that first then look at Narcissistic Personality Disorder to see if any of this matches...it is a spectrum bear in mind. Hop you can make some sense of what's going on x

LittleRed53 · 28/02/2022 18:17

Agree with PP it sounds like DARVO. It ends up making you feel like you're the one who has to apologize, even though he was the one who originally hurt your feelings. It also ends up making you feel like it's better to just swallow your feelings and get over it by yourself, because you know the horrible atmosphere he'll create, and how he'll turn it around on you, so you're better off just coping with the hurt alone rather than dealing with all of that.

Dealing with someone like this is really, really difficult. You have to stick to your original point that they hurt you, whether intentionally or not, and they should care that you are hurt. They'll probably try everything possible to derail the conversation from that. Cue the narcissist's prayer:

That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

If that attitude sounds familiar, he's probably at least got narcissistic tendencies. Sorry...

BusinessMindThoughts · 28/02/2022 18:20

I feel so exhausted by his defensiveness and circular arguments that I usually just back off.

First off, if he's using circular arguments he's not actually being logical.

Secondly, sack him off. As you've noticed, he's arguing to gain some sort of debate point rather than to communicate or work with you to establish some truth or meaning like half of all MN posts and I would have zero interest in that.

Good luck. It's surprisingly common...

Fantina · 28/02/2022 19:21

I wish I’d left when I first identified this in my relationship. He is not operating in good faith.

prickferrari · 28/02/2022 22:54

Yeah he's not using logic. Logic would dictate that the woman he loves needs a cuddle and some empathy. He's just unable to think or care about how you feel. His ego is the most important thing to him at any given moment, over and above you. He will always choose to damage your trust in him over and above honesty, vulnerability and compassion. Always. You are in a relationship with someone who functions emotionally at the age of a 5 year old, that's not hyperbole, that's reality.

Yellowsubhubabubbub · 28/02/2022 22:55

It’s called gas lightning Sad

Moooning · 28/02/2022 23:46

Honestly? Get out now. Been there done that. It won't get any better. He will just get worse.

Listen to those alarm bells that made you post in the first place. Freedom is everything

movingon2022 · 28/02/2022 23:57

Dear OP, my advise is RUN and do not look back. I know that all this seems like not good enough reason to leave a "good" relationship, but as someone who has been through this and left (eventually) I am telling you, it is not worth it. I have spent over twenty five years with a person like this and it was suffocating me. It is hard in cases like these because it does not look like abuse and it is very difficult to explain it to people, you just "feel" that something is not right. The way they deflect your feelings, they make you feel bad, they never accept responsibility for their actions and never deal with anything. I would either give up or he would give me a silent treatment until I "forget" it all. I am now free for almost six months and am still recovering.

Holothane · 01/03/2022 00:00

It’s getting to the stage I haven’t the energy to argue anymore. Leave this sort of behaviour will wear you down believe me.

thefrogsaretoonoisy · 01/03/2022 00:29

When I was first realising I was in an abusive relationship I recorded a few arguments because I couldn't understand how a discussion could get so off track and hurtful. And because he'd accuse me of being the problem I needed to know if that was right. So the next time there was something to discuss that I was pretty sure he'd get upset about I activated the voice memo on my phone before I approached him and recorded the whole thing. It was very educational. He didn't know and I did it just to work out how the hell he could twist things so well. And I'm brighter than him. But not with this. I was trying to communicate and come to a mutual understanding and I assumed he was too. Making that assumption was my achilles heel. He was wanting to win. To control. Listening back over the recording was a real eye opener. I could hear and name the tactics he used to control the argument and keep me backfooted.

'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans is good. And Lundy Bancroft.

Your DP may be the 1 in a million who changes but he'd have to accept he's being abusive and want to change. Otherwise you are in for years of emotional pain, and then you'll leave anyway, hopefully. Ask yourself what your ideal, kind, empathic partner would say and do in a disagreement and compare that with what this man who supposedly loves you says to you.

movingon2022 · 01/03/2022 00:55

@thefrogsaretoonoisy You did the right thing by doing this, I wish I had. I am highly educated person with great verbal skills, but every time I would get into an argument with my ex I would get lost, quite literally would not know where I was going, what I was going to say or how. Suddenly, what I was thinking made no sense and what he was saying did. Over time, I would get panic attack every time I would want to raise an issue, physical symptoms, red cheeks, raising heart, hands shaking. Awful.

In the end I realized that the only way for me to get free is to just do it. No explanations, no discussions, no chatting, nothing. Just came to him and told him I want out of the relationship. Now he goes around telling everyone how I dumped him for no reason. I do not care, I am free and I know that I could never win the argument, no matter how hard I tried to "explain" my reasons to him it would not matter, he never once attempted to understand me, he does not think he can be wrong or that he should change.

19Bears · 01/03/2022 12:21

I'm stuck with this too. I can see that it's gaslighting, it's DARVO, it's narcissism, I can see all of it, but I also feel paralysed by it and can't seem to let him know that I see it, I just walk away and say nothing. I'm sorry @Riley01 but this is only going to get worse, so please put this behind you and start again with someone who deserves you and makes you happy. Relationships should not be like this x

19Bears · 01/03/2022 12:29

Well done @thefrogsaretoonoisy and @movingon2022 It's so confusing and frustrating as educated and sensible women how we can be turned into a cowering idiot by someone who hasn't got the sense to brush their teeth more than once a week. They do this to you one day, then come bounding in cheerily the next day as if nothing happened. That's the worst bit, making you feel as if you've created the atmosphere, and then you back down so you don't look like the bad guy. I'd love to just suddenly do that, Frogs, just say it, no explanation, just that it's over. I want to do it. This week. I couldn't care less what he thinks or what he says to anyone, I'd be free x