Boyfriends never remembers things the same way- cannot move past arguments.

[Riley01]

My boyfriend is (27) and I (28) have been together for 5 years. We moved in together 2 years ago and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, with a big sticking point that we cannot seem to move forward from arguments.

If I have raise a concern and tell him something hurt me, he will have a knee jerk defensive reaction. He will argue logically and to win rather than show any compassion.

It’s particularly concerning that for the majority of the arguments we have, we have a different version of reality. He will say he never said things that I believe he did, twists things into a more favourable light for himself or brings up things I’ve done wrong. I generally feel he diverts the conversation from the issue so it never gets resolved.

As I have no evidence, I often come to believe that there may have been misunderstandings. I try to resolve the situation by saying that it’s okay to disagree on remembering, but it’s hurtful that my feelings surrounding the issue never get acknowledged. His argument is that he cannot show compassion for something he hasn’t done, and I am basically forcing him to apologise for something he hasn’t done before we can move forward.

This usually ends with me feeling like an awful person and never having any of my feelings acknowledged. I feel so exhausted by his defensiveness and circular arguments that I usually just back off. My sense of judgment is also shot at this point. These seem like such small issues which we can just not move past.

Can anybody offer some clarity on if it’s even possible to move past this?

GASLIGHTING...mind controlling, manipulative emotional abuse. Sly, undermining and disrespectful. Go find yourself a man who is worthy of you and truly 'loves' you darling..xx

Welcome to gaslighting 101. You should leave.

@19Bears that was @movingon2022 who got out of her relationship. I'm kindof out in that we live in separate dwellings on the same property. I'm still seeing if that can work. Yes I love how they just turn up all happy when they're over it lol.

@19Bears

Well done *@thefrogsaretoonoisy and @movingon2022* It's so confusing and frustrating as educated and sensible women how we can be turned into a cowering idiot by someone who hasn't got the sense to brush their teeth more than once a week. They do this to you one day, then come bounding in cheerily the next day as if nothing happened. That's the worst bit, making you feel as if you've created the atmosphere, and then you back down so you don't look like the bad guy. I'd love to just suddenly do that, Frogs, just say it, no explanation, just that it's over. I want to do it. This week. I couldn't care less what he thinks or what he says to anyone, I'd be free x

@19Bears this is @freeatlast2021 I changed name at the beginning of the year. Yes, you CAN DO IT. Do not get caught in explanations, arguments, blaming, finger pointing as this will probably take you back to the beginning. You will feel bad about it all because you are a good person and you will be back to the square one. Just come to him and say:" Its over. I want to separate." My ex still keeps telling everyone he has no idea why I left him. He does not realize that this just makes him look bad. As my husband of twenty five years, shouldn't he know everything about me? Should not he be the first one to get a hint that something is wrong. He thinks that saying that he does not know what happened makes him innocent? But you know what the things is, I do not care what he or anyone else thinks. I KNOW how it was to live with him for a quarter of a century, I know the best and my opinion is all that matters to me.

Thank you again for everybody's comments. I have been reading and re-reading and they've been invaluable for validating that there is something off about what I have been feeling.

I had suspicions something was off because of the decline in my mental health which has resulted in having panic attacks during the night. Recognizing the nonsensical arguments and that my opinions were being drastically swayed, I actually starting jotting down notes after arguments and memos of how I felt, similarly to @thefrogsaretoonoisy, to keep hold of reality before it could get swayed again.

It has been easy for me (and probably him) to put my "failings" down to my stress at work. I have been studying for a doctorate degree alongside working full time in a hospital, due to the pandemic, which I think put me in a susceptible position due to burn-out. I have now ended up taking a year's break from uni, which has given me back some time to gather my thoughts.

I felt I should mention that I'm studying for my doctorate degree in Psychology, yet have still ended up feeling blindsided. In my relationship, my career choice has just been used as ammo in that any criticism I have is basically "theorizing" him, rather than having an honest opinion on the situation based on what I'm seeing, which has affected my feelings. I should mention that I don't see or speak to my boyfriend as a client. However, this has made it easy to nullify my knowledge of gaslighting as a potential "theory" of mine, so it's silenced a lot of what I say. I have since learned that however gently I approach anything, no approach is good enough, until I don't say anything at all. My career has even made it feel difficult to speak out to others due to the embarrassment of not understanding or being always able to articulate what had happened well, lessening my support system.

However, I do feel that it's important for the other ladies who have spoke about their experiences to know that I feel that I do get it and feel this could happen to a lot of people. I have felt like I can see through what is happening until I feel almost like I can't "prove" it, and then I second-guess myself. I'm very quick to have empathy for somebody else's view even to the extent of my own. I feel that the desperation to explain yourself in a way that's understood is just a game that you never win having been through this for years now.

I'm now feeling at a point, with the words of people who have commented too, to be able to validate my experience and feel I deserve a caring response, as I would give. I'm also going to work on my self-confidence and setting stronger boundaries. I have been using DARVO against some past examples in my relationship, for my own validation.

I asked him calmly last night what he expected me to do with my hurt feelings whenever he forgot the event or deemed them not worthy. After a long pause and a prompt that I was genuinely asking, his response was that they were my responsibility. I think I know all I need to at this point.

Thanks again everybody.

Honestly you're so young, who needs this crap? You've got a career and studying and a whole world of opportunity, he sounds like a waste of space who is intimidated by you so tries to knock the wind out of your sails.

I hope you're just renting together so you can move out easily.

To be honest, it's quite common for someone in your field to end up in an abusive situation. People who are drawn to psychology tend to be very empathetic and compassionate, and sadly people who possess those qualities are more at risk of being abused.

Maybe one day this experience will help enable you to support someone going through something similar.

Best of luck in your studies and for your future, OP!

You can only disengage.

Get your coat you are in an unwinnable situation.

What you are experiencing is bullying, common or garden bullying and you are being gaslighted into believing you are in a fair and equal relationship.

Don't bite anymore, walk away and stop this madness of illogical debate with him.

He's never going to admit any of your arguments have any sense to them because then he wouldn't get his own way then.

Drop the rope.

Come on op, you're an intellegent woman, you already know the unfairness of this, you don't need us, or the hand of God to come down and judicate on this.