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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband loves me but isn't in love with me

33 replies

Paranoia1989 · 28/02/2022 10:12

My husband and I (both 32) have been together for 10 years and married for 5. we've always had a very happy relationship but in the last 6 months we have argued a lot over certain topics.

Two months ago he told me his feelings have changed but couldn't explain what he meant. His whole personality seems to have changed and all of sudden he's so negative, won't get excited about anything and just wants to be by himself. He's been very stressed at work as well, which doesn't help.

More recently he said he loves me. But he doesn't feel in love with me. He can't see a future with me but also can't see a future without me. Last week he left and stayed with his friend to get some space and two days ago I told him I can't deal with this anymore and that we should end this. But I love him so much. I can't imagine ever not being with him. Yesterday he came home and we talked. He still feels like he's not in love with me but he wants to try and see if this changes. Because he still loves me... if that makes sense.

I'm so sad and confused... I don't know what to do and what if he doesn't want to be with me anymore...

OP posts:
Drawerofcrap · 28/02/2022 10:18

Would he be interested in trying couple's counselling to see if there's something worth saving and things you can do to get back on track?
Marriage needs both parties to work on it to keep it alive and it may just be a case of life getting in the way.
It could also be that he's having some kind of affair and is rewriting your history to justify his actions.

supercali77 · 28/02/2022 10:19

This is rubbish, do you have kids? I'm not sure there's a way back from the 'not in love ' chat, and im really sorry but brace yourself that there's potentially someone else hes getting close to

Hopefullyoneday12 · 28/02/2022 10:19

Sounds exactly like my OH behaviour when he was having an affair. He said all those things, similar circumstances, I didn't have a clue!

Sorry. And I hope it's not that. Just sounds familiar.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2022 10:21

It's called The Script, and it has begun. Prepare yourself because things are not going to be getting better.

ChickenStripper · 28/02/2022 10:21

I'm sorry but I fear that you have reached the end of the road with this guy. You got together very young and often people outgrow each other especially at this age. The way you describe him sounds as if he has checked out of your relationship but he doesn't have the guts to say so.

Hiddenvoice · 28/02/2022 10:27

I’m sorry this is happening, it’s really heart breaking hearing that.
Do you two still do things together like have date nights or just spend time doing things the other likes to do?
It seems like his spark for you has turned into friendship but there’s still a way to bring that back.
I agree with pp, if he’s willing to try then suggest couples counselling. Try to plan date nights for each other and spend time building that spark back up for him.
You need to chat to see what’s changed for him over time.

WhenLifeGivesuLemons · 28/02/2022 15:58

I know how shattering this is. My soon to be ex husband behaved in a very similar way, he was involved with another woman I'm afraid and he was the last person you thought would cheat. I recommend you visit the chump lady website and read her book asap. I'm so sorry if this is the case.

jytdtysrht · 28/02/2022 16:01

This has all the hallmarks of an affair, I am sorry to say.

KirstenBlest · 28/02/2022 16:40

The Script.

It's over.

HelpINeeedSomebody · 28/02/2022 16:42

Another one saying it's very likely an affair or he's got his eye on another woman and he wants to take it to the next level.
This has happened to me and a couple of other friends.

It's a horrible time but I promise you now that things will ultimately get better.

GeneLovesJezebel · 28/02/2022 16:43

It doesn’t make sense. End it for him.

MrsFumbledore121 · 28/02/2022 16:47

There’s probably another woman, it’s all part of the script

ABitBesotted · 28/02/2022 16:49

I'm really sorry. Sounds as though he's met someone else. Do you have some real life support, OP? x

EarthSight · 28/02/2022 17:12

It sounds like he's very attached to you and attached to the idea of your relationship and the stability it offers (if it fulfilled him). That is not quite the same as romantic love. What do you think has changed for him? You met quite young so do you think you've both changed as people since then?

catelina · 28/02/2022 17:23

Read the Script thread first, see if it resonates.

It is very hard to compute when you think your relationship is ok, but it very much sounds like he's either having an affair or contemplating one.

NowEvenBetter · 28/02/2022 17:27

Textbook affair. They follow the same script to the letter, it’s pathetic really.

Riseholme · 28/02/2022 19:18

It’s what all men say when they’re having an affair.

Onthedunes · 28/02/2022 19:51

He'a still testing the waters with the ow. Keeping his options open but him saying he loves you but is not in love with you is cruel, it keeps you at arms length sexually if he is wanting to remain faithful to the new woman yet gives you a little hope for the relationship to get better and for YOU to try repairing and putting up with his behaviour.

My advice would be get your ducks in a row, do not negotiate better treatment, he's checking out and there will be no sense from him.

Once they have checked out, it's very hard to check back in.

MotherOfDragons27 · 28/02/2022 19:55

Why do people always jump to saying affair when it's a man saying this? I'm sorry to say it's probably just as he says. This is what happened with me and the father of my two youngest children but the other way around. My feelings had changed and I fell out of love with him, but I still loved him as the father of my kids. Which is why I kept my feelings to myself for a long time because I didn't want to hurt him or put the children through a split. In the end he figured out something wasn't right and I told him I hadn't been 'in love' with him for a while and we mutually agreed to split. Yes he was gutted but it was the right and fair thing to do for everyone. I'm sorry this has happened to you and your relationship but you'll get through it I promise.

RantyAunty · 28/02/2022 19:56

It's the script and another woman.
Anyone new at work he's been talking about?

When he left, he was likely with the ow.

Get legal advice asap.

JPI7 · 28/02/2022 20:06

How many people are still “in love” after 10 years or more. I wasn’t madly in love by that stage. However, you were young when you got together and if you don’t have kids then maybe it’s just come to an end for him. Stress at work won’t help either or it might as others say be another woman. It doesn’t really matter what the reason is. He has spoken and you need to listen and react accordingly, particularly if you don’t have children.

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2022 21:16

Another woman

Boo42 · 01/03/2022 21:40

Painful maybe, but call it a day...better you walk than he finally does and you find out there was someone else there. Not sure how you come back from what he said either, you were both very young when you got together - maybe you are slightly different people now ; which is normal.

Jellybean23 · 01/03/2022 22:32

It sounds like what happened to my friend. Her husband kept her dangling by saying he couldn't imagine not having her in his life but that he didn't love her any more. Translated, it meant 'I want don't want to burn my boats with the wife until I find a new partner' but she couldn't see it. He was on the look out for someone new.
They agreed to try and make things work - she made an effort but he didn't. She lived in hopes that something could be rekindled so it protracted the whole thing. They are divorced now and she is very happy being on her own.