Husband loves me but isn't in love with me

[Paranoia1989]

My husband and I (both 32) have been together for 10 years and married for 5. we've always had a very happy relationship but in the last 6 months we have argued a lot over certain topics.

Two months ago he told me his feelings have changed but couldn't explain what he meant. His whole personality seems to have changed and all of sudden he's so negative, won't get excited about anything and just wants to be by himself. He's been very stressed at work as well, which doesn't help.

More recently he said he loves me. But he doesn't feel in love with me. He can't see a future with me but also can't see a future without me. Last week he left and stayed with his friend to get some space and two days ago I told him I can't deal with this anymore and that we should end this. But I love him so much. I can't imagine ever not being with him. Yesterday he came home and we talked. He still feels like he's not in love with me but he wants to try and see if this changes. Because he still loves me... if that makes sense.

I'm so sad and confused... I don't know what to do and what if he doesn't want to be with me anymore...

Going slightly against the grain here. In our 20 year relationship, both of have fallen in and out of love (with one another). Things change, evolve, life gets hard and that in love feeling fades. It’s normal. It’s possible (couples counselling is useful) to find mutual respect, friendship and even fall back in love again. Good luck OP whatever you decide.

@UpintNorth very honest and insightful post. Ebb and flow in life is inevitable and no relationship will last without that understanding. If you get married or are in a long term partnership, expecting the early relationship stage feelings to go on forever is unrealistic. It gets replaced over time with something far deeper and better which gets you through the tough times, and as you say, happily returns on the good times.
I think it’s more the ‘moonlight and magnolia’ feeling meant by the ‘in love’ part. It doesn’t go away permanently but isn’t always present either. Its comings and goings don't necessarily mean you’re in a duff relationship however. The love is always there, but life can get in the way. Children, work, bereavement, physical and or mental health issues, ageing issues.... not everyone can get back the honeymoon period feelings during these times, but the foundation you’ve built is what will get you through them. Hearts and flowers won’t.
Indifference to me is the death of a relationship, when one or neither party actually cares about each other any more.
The trouble for me with the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” old chestnut is that to me it’s actually a red flag. If you’re in the middle of a stressful period in your life, and the love is still there, that phrase never needs explicitly saying. And never gets said. It’s never a positive thing to say.
It always sounds to me like somebody who either isn’t necessarily cheating, but wants to say they don’t love you any more but feel bad saying that, trying to assuage their own guilt about their true feelings and prepare you for worse to come. The problem is that the partner to whom this is a shock, who wants the relationship, will cling to the “I love you” part and not investigate what the “I’m not in love with you” part actually means.
Add to that the confusion that it’s also sometimes the classic cheat script comment and even so it will often be taken in the same way by the betrayed partner hearing it, wanting to cling to the positives. Cheats say this when they are battling with the cognitive dissonance of trying to say they are a good loving partner, but actually finding somebody else more romantically exciting at the same time and knowing that actually makes them a very bad partner. It makes them feel better to offer a crumb to the long term partner they feel guilty about, whilst being verbally ‘loyal’ to the affair partner. The betrayed partner’s mind is usually totally blown by this point and it should be met with the contempt it deserves. Whilst still in the “I don’t want to upset you but I still want her and I don’t want to upset her either” mindset, let them get on with it, they’re not worth your time.
Totally agree that ebb and flow is normal and not a problem, as far as the OP is concerned, but “I love you but I’m not in love with you” always is.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you for your post and thoughts they have really made me reflect. My OH has used the “I love you but I’m not in love with you line” and whilst it may have been a signifier to the start of a script, that script didn’t materialise any further. Being very honest, I have said the same to him (in a different time period) and so I think perhaps it can be used as an indication of serious wobbles/doubts that may not have been acted upon. Perhaps the opportunity to fall in love elsewhere simply didn’t materialise in our case - and so purely by co-incidence rather than design, nothing more than couples counselling, and having some pretty horrible, long, miserable conversations kept us hanging on.

I should add, 12 months on I think I could honestly say that we are in a much better place. If asked, I would tell in RL and honestly that I have fallen back in “love” but that love is different. I hope my OH would say the same.

My very first thought was The Script, OP . It's so depressingly predictable.

Take control and make the decision. You will feel better for it. This limbo will destroy you and turn you demented

Another one who's then husband used the same script. Be prepared, OP

@UpintNorth glad you’re in a better place now. Great that you are so honest with each other, no matter how hard that can be. Difficult conversations indeed but worth their weight in gold as far as growth and real intimacy are concerned. I think it’s the best way to be in any relationship and can save a deteriorating one.
Both people in a marriage have to want the marriage, sometimes when life serves you a real shit sandwich, both partners wanting the marriage is all you’ve got. But it’s vital. Over a lifetime when stuff happens that makes you question that, and it will, the very best and most honest thing to do is say so. When that happens and you both want it there is hopefully time to do something about it. It’s so refreshing to read positive and honest stuff about long committed relationships. Sending you all the very best for the future.