Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Two Separate Worlds

71 replies

HM15 · 27/02/2022 19:50

Been with partner for nearly 10 years...

We live in HIS house as he's always refused to buy together (until recently but that's a story for another time)...

I work as does he and we share a DD who's 7. Now he has always said he doesn't want me to contribute anything to the house and yes I am very grateful (but it is his mortgage). I pay for everything regarding our daughter and always have and do the weekly food shop - so I do contribute and have always said I'll help where needed. An example being I offered to pay the mortgage etc when he was made redundant.

Now we go food shopping today and he gets a few bits and I get out dd lunch stuff for school tomorrow and he separates the two and pays for his only! Then says I pay for f**k all else!

Am I wrong for thinking Jesus seriously this is not normal!!!

Then when we go home he said have I put the heating on? I said yes it was freezing! Also thinking of our dd and he says in-front of her - you pay fuck all for this house please don't touch the heating!

Time to go right?

OP posts:

Monty27 · 03/03/2022 04:58

You've overstayed your welcome OP. I don't think you have a leg to stand on unless you want to go through a legal process.
Personally I'd get my affairs together and up and leave with DD.

pompomseverywhere · 03/03/2022 05:06

Good god. If pay for a few hours with a solicitor to see where you stand with the aim of leaving ASAP. Start your new lovely life without him.

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/03/2022 06:17

Sorry but you are fool for putting yourself and you daughter in this situation. Not married and not even on the deeds to the home? He could kick you both out tomorrow and you'd be on the streets and homeless. Your boyfriend (he's not even really a partner is he?) is blowing hot and cold and is emotionally abusing you. You don't have the protection of marriage - pension and housing rights. Really you nothing. Just....you and your daughter live with your boyfriend and are just a lodger and have no actual stability. 10 years and you haven't pushed for marriage? Why do women do this to themselves, even worse, to their vulnerable innocent children?

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/03/2022 06:19

@Dilbertian

Now he has always said he doesn't want me to contribute anything to the house and yes I am very grateful (but it is his mortgage)

Probably not out of generosity, but to protect his assets and make sure that you cannot claim any right to any part of his property.

Probably not out of generosity, but to protect his assets and make sure that you cannot claim any right to any part of his property.

Yep, that's it, you've nailed it. This guy doesn't give a shit about you or your daughter, he's a slimy piece of work. He knows what he is doing.

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/03/2022 06:22

@HM15

He said today when I questioned how a new house would be split? He said we'll never be 50/50 that all from his house will be ringfenced and I'll have the rest. Meaning I'll give up my life savings for 14% of a property!

In a situation where you meet a man who owns his own house.. what normally happens here if you have children together?

Meaning I'll give up my life savings for 14% of a property!

That's exactly what it means. You actually have no permanent residence, neither does your daughter.

In a situation where you meet a man who owns his own house.. what normally happens here if you have children together?

Nothing. If you're not married, you're not entitled to one penny. Not one penny. That's why marriage exists.

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/03/2022 06:35

@HM15

So he would sell his house for £500k and put that towards a new house - then he would ring fence that. Meaning if we split, I would get 50% of £100k! And I expecting too much for him to just sell his we buy a new one and it's equally ours?

If you split then you'd only be entitled to the 14% or whatever you put in (and even then, only as long as you could prove you personally put 14% in and have it legally documented). If you were married, it would be 50%.

And I expecting too much for him to just sell his we buy a new one and it's equally ours?

He won't do that. The slimy creep has deliberately set it up so you cannot claim anything on the current house, not even a penny. For all legal purposes you are just shacking up with your boyfriend in his house. He will never put you on any mortgage on a house because it's not in his interests. You'd only get 50% if you were MARRIED. That's why marriage is such an important thing. It is a legal protection; finance-wise, housing/asset-wise, next of kin-wise, funeral/power of attorney/end of life treatment-wise etc etc etc etc. As you can see, it is not 'just a piece of paper'. Without it, you are FUCKED. You and your daughter are both fucked. You have no protection and he can chuck you out of HIS home tonight and you would not And it's almost always the women and children in this vulnerable state. Neither you nor your daughter have any security.

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/03/2022 06:39

@HM15

... is that too much to expect? I just feel like 10 years together and a child it should be more like a partnership?

We're not married either.. (only been together 10 years! ) xx

If you wanted a partnership, you should have demanded he marry you. 10 years. Why didn't you ask him when he was going to marry you? I would have demanded he marry me when I found out I was pregnant, not because I'm 'old fashioned' or it's the 'proper thing to do', but because I wanted respect, and security. Why have you not insisted you get married years ago? Why would you want to just 'shack up' with your boyfriend rather than provide security for your child, and have self respect?

TracyMosby · 03/03/2022 06:42

If you wanted a partnership, you should have demanded he marry you
If you have to demand someone marry you, you don't. You leave.

Op, he wants your money for the house. You gain nothing from this move. You will be more vulnerable because your money will be tied up in this house. Do you think he would just agree to sell and split costs if after a year you realise he was indeed a colossal prick? Of course he wouldnt.

He isnt self employed, is he?

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/03/2022 06:46

Take this as a lesson; don't shack up with the next man for 10 years while giving him the milk for free. Demand he pay for the cow (so to speak as the saying goes). It's one thing if you have no dependent children and are not fussed on having legal rights, legal protection, legal housing claim, accident/health decisions care/NOK etc, but it's unforgiveable to do that, imo, when you have a child dependent on you for security.

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/03/2022 06:47

@TracyMosby

If you wanted a partnership, you should have demanded he marry you If you have to demand someone marry you, you don't. You leave.

He isnt self employed, is he?

I get your point. However she should have pressed for it, not just sat back and let life pass by.

ScrumptiousBears · 03/03/2022 06:53

When I met my DP and we moved in together Into my house, I owed most of my house. We have 2 DC now and are not married. I ring fenced the money in my house then he came on the mortgage. So I own 86% and he the rest. This was sorted 2 years after we had DC. The mortgage is now paid off.

I agree with him ring fencing his part of the house but you both should have sorted this when you moved in and had DC. You've let it slide for a long time. Equally, If it was the other way round I would recommend you ring fence the house if it was yours.

For me it's all about keeping what's mine if we split and if I died first keeping what's mine for my children.

BobCatBob · 03/03/2022 07:00

Op by ring fencing his ‘share’ of the house your dp is offering you a poor deal and may even be hoping to protect his share against any fall in the property market at your expense. The economic climate we’re in might even lead to a fall in property prices depending on where you live.

Imagine what you would say if your daughter was in your position … because your are setting the example.

Whydidimarryhim · 03/03/2022 07:04

He’s dangling a carrot - don’t take it - it will still be “his house” - look what he said to you child - what a bastard - he’s not a healthy man and money is his addiction. He probably only said this as he senses you pulling back - it’s what abusive men do.
Just go - seek counselling for yourself now. Do not commit to this - he will rail road you into buying - your big deposit will be gone - your future will be gone.
He’s done a number on you over the years.

KindlyKanga · 03/03/2022 07:10

I'd leave him then go after him for Child Maintenance so he actually pays towards his daughter

ScrumptiousBears · 03/03/2022 07:13

@BobCatBob

Imagine what you would say if your daughter was in your position … because your are setting the example.

It's done on % share not value so the amount can change with property prices.

TheTeenageYears · 03/03/2022 07:17

@HM15 Have you worked out what you have each paid into the pot had the finances been joint? What happened when you were on maternity leave were you still covering all food costs, baby related costs etc? Has he got away with covering the asset in his own name plus bills with you funding everything else?

Original poster

HM15 · 03/03/2022 08:04

When on maternity leave - that money covered anything I wanted/needed then I used his credit card for food shopping

OP posts:

Original poster

HM15 · 07/03/2022 12:45

... what would be the right thing to say here?

That I understand he had a house before we met and that yes it's technically his and the all the money spent/invested. But if we were to move and buy a house together, I would want it to be equally 50/50? Regardless of me not being able
to financially provide any figure remotely close to what he can.

I'm not saying this is what I want, but I want him
to know what I would want but I can't find the words.

I also don't want to be unrealistic or unfair in what I say x

OP posts:

Migrainesbythedozen · 07/03/2022 12:57

@HM15

... what would be the right thing to say here?

I'm not saying this is what I want, but I want him
to know what I would want but I can't find the words.

I also don't want to be unrealistic or unfair in what I say x

what would be the right thing to say here?

Goodbye.
That's what. You don't seem to understand what we're saying, that you're in an abusive relationship. Forget about what to say to him, your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. Do you not get that? You need to get yourself and your daughter away from him.

There is no conversation to be had. And he will never accept 50-50%, he is financially and emotionally abusive. He will never change, not matter what you say, and deep down you know it. There is no conversation to be had. Just go.

BookFiend4Life · 07/03/2022 16:35

Do you want to stay with him OP? It's totally unacceptable that he spoke to you that way in front of your DC. He certainly doesn't seem to view you as an equal partner. Even if you were on the house 50-50 is it a happy relationship? Is it setting a good example for your daughter? Better to get a place on your own I think.

PinotPony · 07/03/2022 20:32

There's no "technically correct" answer here. It is for the couple to work out how an asset such as property is to be held. If you haven't spelt it out clearly, either in the title deeds i.e. joint tenants/ tenants in common, or with a Deed of Trust then, in the event of a dispute, the court would have to adduce your respective intentions from the evidence. You'd say that you thought the house was being shared. He'd say that was never the intention and that it belongs to him.

Although you've not been paying the mortgage directly, the court would take into account your non-financial contribution in terms of childcare and housekeeping etc. So, for god's sake, don't walk away with nothing..!

If you decide to leave you need really clear legal advice on what you're entitled to.

If you decide to stay, then you make it clear to him that you want the house registered in both names in equal measure. If he won't marry you, he has to agree to protect your financial position.

When DP and I bought our house, he put down the deposit of £50k. We had a deed of trust saying he'd get that back if we split. After our first child was born, we agree to destroy that deed. We were a family, committed to each other even though unmarried. When we split up many years later, the house was split 50/50. He didn't come after me for the deposit.

Flip

1 2 3