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Original poster

Two Separate Worlds

71 replies

HM15 · 27/02/2022 19:50

Been with partner for nearly 10 years...

We live in HIS house as he's always refused to buy together (until recently but that's a story for another time)...

I work as does he and we share a DD who's 7. Now he has always said he doesn't want me to contribute anything to the house and yes I am very grateful (but it is his mortgage). I pay for everything regarding our daughter and always have and do the weekly food shop - so I do contribute and have always said I'll help where needed. An example being I offered to pay the mortgage etc when he was made redundant.

Now we go food shopping today and he gets a few bits and I get out dd lunch stuff for school tomorrow and he separates the two and pays for his only! Then says I pay for f**k all else!

Am I wrong for thinking Jesus seriously this is not normal!!!

Then when we go home he said have I put the heating on? I said yes it was freezing! Also thinking of our dd and he says in-front of her - you pay fuck all for this house please don't touch the heating!

Time to go right?

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 28/02/2022 13:12

It will be hard, just leave and start again, he has shown his true colours! will not change and you will never trust him

Original poster
HM15 · 01/03/2022 07:42

I know.. I need to leave! I'm nearly 34 - have I time to find someone who sets the right example and have more children? I don't know who I've become in these 10 years but I can't let all my dreams slip away xx

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 01/03/2022 08:11

Focus on leaving and sorting your own life out first, a new relationship should be low down the list.

Original poster
HM15 · 01/03/2022 08:21

Of course! But I mean in the future - is it all too late?

OP posts:
needingpeace · 01/03/2022 08:23

Of course it’s not too late. 34 is a great age to get back out there. I’m in a similar boat but I’m 20 years older! I wish I was as young as you. I’d go and not look back for a second.

Dilbertian · 01/03/2022 11:00

@HM15

I know.. I need to leave! I'm nearly 34 - have I time to find someone who sets the right example and have more children? I don't know who I've become in these 10 years but I can't let all my dreams slip away xx
Even if you don't find someone to extend your family with, you certainly have the time to live your own best life, enjoying your child and yourself, rather than being someone else's disposable prop.
shssandhr · 01/03/2022 12:00

Sounds awful OP and sounds like he just wants everything his way, on his terms, as and when it suits him.
So you weren't allowed to go on the mortgage of his house or contribute to it but now you need to pay 57K for a deposit on a new house which he wants to buy. No, just no.

Why have you not been contributing towards the bills? Is that because you were buying all the food for everyone?
He just sounds incredibly mean - not paying for his child's lunch things and then complaining about the heating (though heating bills are going through the roof so I can understand him worrying about that maybe, but in no way was it acceptable to talk to you like that).

I think once a couple have children the finances should be shared - there's no mine and yours and you aren't paying for the heating so you aren't to touch it. You are supposed to be a family unit which is based around providing a stable, safe and warm environment for your child.

What is your financial situation? Can you afford to rent or buy your own place? You'd be way better off doing that than putting 57K into a new property with him and then having to fight to get your contribution back should things all go pear-shaped in a few years time.

layladomino · 01/03/2022 20:23

Of course it isn't too late to find a happy relationship! People remarry in their 40s 50s 70s and 80s!

What is for certain is that this isn't a happy relationship. It isn't a healthy one. It isn't a good example for your child. So if you leave, even if you didn't find another relationship, you're still better off! Better to be single than with someone who doesn't respect you or want to commit to you in any way (even after having a child!!)

He has protected his own interests all along. He's only talking about buying together now because he's seen a house he wants and he needs your money to get it. He's shown you that he sees you as 2 separate entities and he will protect his own monet and interests above yours. That wouldn't change. But you would be further esconced and find it harder to leave.

Please please walk away. Go to your mum's with DC. Buy yourself that lovely new place. Be happy there.

And in good time you will likely meet someone else. But don't settle. Look for a relationship of respect, support, love, care, complete trust that the other person has your back 100%.

You can do this.

Original poster
HM15 · 01/03/2022 23:34

He said today when I questioned how a new house would be split? He said we'll never be 50/50 that all from his house will be ringfenced and I'll have the rest. Meaning I'll give up my life savings for 14% of a property!

In a situation where you meet a man who owns his own house.. what normally happens here if you have children together?

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 02/03/2022 08:29

Sorry Op but he's had this all worked out right from the start, he has no intention of sharing with you. He's now trying to guilt trip you so he can get a better house ?He's already worked out exactly how much of the new house would be yours? Don't waste your life on this cold, grasping man, just leave and be happy

kgov1 · 02/03/2022 16:39

I think he means he will ring fence the deposit he puts towards a new house.

That way if you were to split he would get his deposit back and the remainder would be split 50/50. It's not uncommon if you're unmarried.

Fernandina · 02/03/2022 16:48

Time to go. Finances are just the tip of the arseholery iceberg if you ask me. He has no respect for you.

Original poster
HM15 · 02/03/2022 17:14

So he would sell his house for £500k and put that towards a new house - then he would ring fence that. Meaning if we split, I would get 50% of £100k! And I expecting too much for him to just sell his we buy a new one and it's equally ours?

OP posts:
Original poster
HM15 · 02/03/2022 17:15

... is that too much to expect? I just feel like 10 years together and a child it should be more like a partnership?

We're not married either.. (only been together 10 years! Hmm) xx

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 02/03/2022 17:23

Bad news: You've been screwed over financially
Good news: You're only 34, You have time to start again and hardly notice the loss of him

Advice: Solicitor - even though you are not married you might be able to secure some recompense for the contributions you've made, and secure a generous (above cms) allowance for your child. Don't waste any more of your life.

M0RVEN · 02/03/2022 17:27

I’m sorry but I can’t understand why you need to analyse him. It’s as plain as the nose on your face.

He is making sure that ebefythg he pays towards is either his alone and / or is an appreciating asset ( like a house or pension).

And ensuring that everything you pay for is disposable , like childcare costs , everything for your DD or food. No doubt clothes, holidays and days out tool

I bet you do most of the housework and all the childcare as well? and that you took all the parental leave /career break / went PT when you DD was small.

That’s why you are not married. Because he doesn’t want you having a claim on the assets that have been accumulated during your relationship. You have paid towards them - the house, pension and his career - but they are all in his name.

He is a horrible selfish person and you need to leave him asap.

Original poster
HM15 · 02/03/2022 18:51

Should he share assists with me even though he had the house before I met him? I'm just trying to understand if I'm right in the way I think?

The only good thing from this is that I've been sensible enough to save enough through not contributing to his mortgage etc to have a deposit for a place of my own!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 02/03/2022 18:55

Just leave him. Stop agonising. He’s a mean, tight fisted prick and you need to question why you ever accepted his bullshit.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 02/03/2022 18:58

British men must be the tightest in the world and yet they accuse women of being “ gold diggers” go figure.

Dilbertian · 02/03/2022 21:14

@HM15

He said today when I questioned how a new house would be split? He said we'll never be 50/50 that all from his house will be ringfenced and I'll have the rest. Meaning I'll give up my life savings for 14% of a property!

In a situation where you meet a man who owns his own house.. what normally happens here if you have children together?

When someone tells you what they are, listen
Bellyups · 02/03/2022 21:20

So you grow and give birth to his child, look after and provide everything for said child, while he keeps big assets all for himself? WTF.

Aprilx · 02/03/2022 21:24

@HM15

Should he share assists with me even though he had the house before I met him? I'm just trying to understand if I'm right in the way I think?

The only good thing from this is that I've been sensible enough to save enough through not contributing to his mortgage etc to have a deposit for a place of my own!

You have been with him for ten years, paying all the day to day bills and child related bills so that he can pay off his investment. And now you he is deigning fit to cut you in, but only after he protects his investment, the one that you enabled him to grow for the last ten years whilst he didn’t have to pay anything towards child rearing.

This man has treated you appallingly, he doesn’t care about your financial security or your (as in both of yours) child’s. Why are you even still debating this with yourself. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

Xpologog · 02/03/2022 22:25

@HM15

So he would sell his house for £500k and put that towards a new house - then he would ring fence that. Meaning if we split, I would get 50% of £100k! And I expecting too much for him to just sell his we buy a new one and it's equally ours?
So you’d get 50% of 100k after you’ve put in 57k ? That doesn’t make any financial sense. What struck me was how he spoke to you when paying for shipping and how he spike to your DD about you. Totally unacceptable. He doesn’t respect you, seems to put all his values on financial matters, doesn’t seem to value you as a person and shows that to your daughter. What you do is your choice , you have to decide if you really want to live with this man for the next 20, 30, 40 years.
Xpologog · 02/03/2022 22:26

*shopping, not shipping!

JustKittenAround · 03/03/2022 04:49

You know deep down what the truth is.

You gotta get out. I’m doubting he’s giving in any way. I think you will enjoy your independence as well.

You’re young. Please understand that this is no life and you deserve dignity and to feel safe in a partnership.

Don’t let him tell you what to do, take care of your own life.

Or grow older and waste more time.