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Original poster

Close friends excluding me

37 replies

Movingsoon21 · 27/02/2022 18:05

I’m in a tight-knit group of 5 friends, we’ve been close for 20 years, all mid-thirties now. Our husbands also all get on. Three of us in the group got pregnant last year, me and two others. The other two have had their babies already and mine is due late March.

I was so happy that I’d be on mat leave at the same time as two close friends and was grateful to have people to spend time with when DH goes back to work after four weeks at end of April.

I’ve just found out from one of them that these two women, their husbands and babies have booked to go on holiday together in mid-June, for a week to Spain. They didn’t ask me and DH Sad

To be honest I’m really hurt by this. When each of the other two had their babies, we as a group planned events that they could come to (we did a weekend away in the UK as a whole group both times, when first baby was 4 weeks old (only an hour’s drive away) and when the second baby was 6 weeks old (2.5 hours drive away).

Now I’m having my baby it feels like I’m being a bit abandoned Sad 3 weeks after my due date the 2 friends without kids are going away for a sports holiday with their husbands (fair enough I guess), then 5 weeks later the two with babies are going off on holiday without me.

I know it might have been too soon for us to go as my baby will only be around 8/9 weeks old and we don’t know how things will go etc, but it would have been nice to at least have been invited and given the choice! I don’t think there’s any good reason why we couldn’t have been invited (like doing a shared hobby on holiday or something) and no fall-outs.

I want to raise it with them, particularly the one who I generally thought I was very close to (was planning on asking her to be godmother to my baby). It’s made me realise that she never really invites me and DH to anything small (she invites us to all big events and she and I do things one on one, but she never asks the two of us to do things with the two of them). I’m 99% sure there’s no issue between her and her husband and my DH, we all seem to get along well.

Not sure how to go about raising it though without coming across as petulant or guilt-tripping and also don’t really want them to invite me now out of obligation or guilt. Not sure what I want the outcome to be really, maybe just an acknowledgment that it wasn’t very kind timing to plan this trip without me and maybe a firm commitment to some other plans after they get back? Close friend is going back to work in July though Sad

Would appreciate any thoughts on how to handle this like a grown up. I know if I don’t raise it now I’ll just feel resentful and it will eventually come out in a more angry way. TIA.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 18:10

Not sure how to go about raising it though without coming across as petulant or guilt-tripping and also don’t really want them to invite me now out of obligation or guilt.

You can't raise it because that's exactly how it will come across, because it is petulant. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but you're it friends are allowed to make plans without you, and they don't have to justify this to you or anyone else. All friendships and friendship groups have different dynamics, and if you want to stay friends, you need to respect this.

Cloudfrost · 27/02/2022 18:16

The entire friendship sounds like a recipe for disaster, it was only a matter of time until smaller groups within the group formed and unfortunately u are the one that was left out

TopCatsTopHat · 27/02/2022 18:21

The way to bring it up without sounding anything is to draw no conclusions and be calm and open to answers. State what you have seen and how it made you feel. Those are just facts. That leaves the ball in her court to conclude what that means.
So, say something like, I heard you booked a holiday but didn't mention it, I was surprised to be excluded from the conversation altogether as I've always considered you when making plans, hearing about it from someone else made me feel disregarded and excluded.
Then just let that hang.
She will probably say your baby will be so young we assumed you wouldn't be interested. Then you can say that's true but in that situation in her position you would have spoken about it with her, telling her the reason (like

siaa · 27/02/2022 18:22

It might be that having had a child already they know that your answer would've been a definite no and didn't see the point in asking you, or maybe they thought you might ask to alter the plans to accommodate your different situation with you having a newborn and they had a very specific holiday in mind?

StrawberryFever · 27/02/2022 18:42

The grown up way too handle it, is just to get over it. It's two families who've planned a holiday together. Not the whole group excluding you.

You sound like you expect them all to not make any other plans during your maternity leave so they're free to spend time with you, which is frankly ridiculous. This isn't about you, they're probably taking advantage of the time before their maternity leave ends to get in a holiday.

It's time to start expanding your friendship circle - once you've had the baby get out to mother and baby clubs and meet other new mums so you're not so overly dependent on this limited circle.

Whatthefleckster · 27/02/2022 18:45

The only way to handle it is to say 'Oh I'd hoped we could all do something together'. But you can't say that as it's not true.

What you could say is 'have an amazing time - hopefully next year we'll all be able to do something together'. How they handle that will tell you how they feel about you.

Beautiful3 · 27/02/2022 19:28

I wouldn't say anything because its too close to your baby being born, to have been included. Mention that you'd like to go away with the group next year, but do.not complain.

Original poster
Movingsoon21 · 27/02/2022 20:41

@StrawberryFever not at all - I just expect them to include me in their plans, the same way they were included in all group plans after they had a baby.

I also do have a wider friendship circle, am just hurt that my friends of 20 years didn’t think to include me in these plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingsoon21 · 27/02/2022 20:42

@Whatthefleckster why is it not true? I would very much like us to all do something together

OP posts:
StrawberryFever · 27/02/2022 21:16

But unless I've misunderstood what you've written neither of the holidays ARE group plans. They're two separate holidays, each just two couples, neither of which would be suitable for you with a new baby. None of that precludes them also doing a group meet up around that time, but you saying it's unkind timing does suggest you think they should forego a holiday that suits them, just because you don't get to go too.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 21:17

I just expect them to include me in their plans, the same way they were included in all group plans after they had a baby.

This expectation is totally unreasonable and unrealistic. You really think it's reasonable for your friends to include you in everything? They have their own lives, you know, and not everything always has to include all members of a "group."

Whatthefleckster · 01/03/2022 15:32

[quote Movingsoon21]@Whatthefleckster why is it not true? I would very much like us to all do something together[/quote]
Didn't your OP say it was too close to your due date?

purplecorkheart · 01/03/2022 15:42

In the kindest possible way you are being petulant and childish. People are allowed to do things with out you and your husband. They don't have to plan their lives around you. You want them to acknowledge that the timing of their holiday is unkind and them committee to firm plans with you. You sound self centred and selt absorbed and quite frankly I can understand if they were trying to distance themselves away from you.

You need to accept that dynamics in group change and not everyone wants to invite all the group to everything.

Aprilx · 01/03/2022 15:50

I just expect them to include me in their plans

But this is a huge expectation to have of other people. They are grown ups and are allowed to do things without running them past you. You obviously have known these people since you were all teenagers and you are still perhaps in that mindset.

PoniesLove · 01/03/2022 15:55

I’m surprised at the feedback here OP. Can totally see your point and why it would be upsetting. Even if they thought you wouldn’t come it’s still nice to be asked IMO.
It stings to be left out by people you think are your close friends. I’m sorry this has happened x

Thatsplentyjack · 01/03/2022 15:56

I have the same kind of set up OP, except 4 of us friends for 20 odd years and we would never leave one couple out of plans. Everyone is always invited whether it's all women or couples either nights out/in or holidays.

RedRoseRay · 01/03/2022 16:10

No matter how you word it or what you say, if you tell them you’re unhappy/hurt that they didn’t invite you, it’s going to annoy them and result in them being less likely to invite you to stuff in the future. As others have said, it’s not like the other four couples are going away and you’re the only couple left out. Friendship dynamics change over time and you should focus on building on your relationships by doing other things together instead.

I had a ‘friend of a friend’ from a large friendship group regularly make passive aggressive comments on others social media pages when she wasn’t invited to stuff and she’s been removed from the larger friendship group because it pissed off most people.

sonjadog · 01/03/2022 16:24

I can understand you are feeling a bit left out here, but there is a big difference between social get-togethers and weekend's away and going on a week's holiday with someone. I know many people I would happily have a weekend with but that I wouldn't want a whole week long family holiday with. I think holidaying is really something that people need to decide to do together outside of other friendship circles, and is a private arrangement between the couples involved only.

somanylies · 01/03/2022 16:32

You can't say anything. There is no way to say anything without it looking like you are scolding them. Which they will resent. And probably want less to do with you.

It hurts yes, but they may not have wanted a new born with them now that theirs are past that age, they may have thought you would not want a whole week away with a new born (I'd have hated this with my screaming non-sleeping child) or they may just click with each other more.

But if you want to stay friends with them, just let this go.

MsTSwift · 01/03/2022 16:37

As adults if you want to be part of a large friendship group you have to take it on the chin when sub groups do stuff without you. Maybe their kids at similar stage so it’s easier to holiday together in terms of kit required / naps / understanding what each other going through? Don’t say anything for gods sake.

hauntedbillybass · 01/03/2022 17:02

Are those 2 couples closer than the rest of the group?

I'd let it go, it's not like everyone is going except you. It's just 2 families.

I don't think everyone needs to be invited to everything.

In our group of friends there are often trips away involving just 2 couples. It's a much more stressful undertaking when you end up with 8+ people going on holiday.

needingpeace · 01/03/2022 18:23

I say this kindly but your pregnancy hormones are getting the better of you. It’s a known thing. You are being over sensitive and a bit silly. Do nothing. Once the baby is here you give one shiny shit who goes where. You are going to be overwhelmed and exhausted and that’s on the good days. Once baby is here and you are back on your feet get yourself along to all the baby groups and activities. Haven’t you got an NCT group? When’s the baby due? Get going to some antenatal classes and swimming groups. I made a tonne of friends through those. If you’re on mat leave you could be networking with new friends due the same time as you every single day. Your diary should be full right now and too full to be thinking about their holiday! Get pregnancy yoga booked in at least twice a week. Your missing out massively by sitting around worrying about those girls. They’ve had their time. You’ve got a unique chance to make new friends quickly. Don’t waste it

BooksAndCarrotCakes · 01/03/2022 18:28

I can understand - I was in a Group of 5. It was fine for a few years, then eventually I was phased out. I personally don’t think it was anything that I did but just became the weakest link. They no longer saw me as a separate friend ever (I had friendships with each individually) and then think they saw me as just the group chat friend. I was asked to meet up often but always cancelled last minute on, or even worse no one turned up! Still hurtful but who knows maybe they just saw me as Plan B in the end. Nurture new friendships I suggest :)

nzeire · 01/03/2022 18:41

God, don’t do it! Don’t say anything, really. I did once in a similar situation and I still feel like an eejit to this day. And the friendship never recovered.

APineForestInWinter · 01/03/2022 18:53

You say that group holidays happened soon after the first babies were born - maybe you should suggest a group holiday after yours is born.

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