Close friends excluding me

[Movingsoon21]

I’m in a tight-knit group of 5 friends, we’ve been close for 20 years, all mid-thirties now. Our husbands also all get on. Three of us in the group got pregnant last year, me and two others. The other two have had their babies already and mine is due late March.

I was so happy that I’d be on mat leave at the same time as two close friends and was grateful to have people to spend time with when DH goes back to work after four weeks at end of April.

I’ve just found out from one of them that these two women, their husbands and babies have booked to go on holiday together in mid-June, for a week to Spain. They didn’t ask me and DH

To be honest I’m really hurt by this. When each of the other two had their babies, we as a group planned events that they could come to (we did a weekend away in the UK as a whole group both times, when first baby was 4 weeks old (only an hour’s drive away) and when the second baby was 6 weeks old (2.5 hours drive away).

Now I’m having my baby it feels like I’m being a bit abandoned 3 weeks after my due date the 2 friends without kids are going away for a sports holiday with their husbands (fair enough I guess), then 5 weeks later the two with babies are going off on holiday without me.

I know it might have been too soon for us to go as my baby will only be around 8/9 weeks old and we don’t know how things will go etc, but it would have been nice to at least have been invited and given the choice! I don’t think there’s any good reason why we couldn’t have been invited (like doing a shared hobby on holiday or something) and no fall-outs.

I want to raise it with them, particularly the one who I generally thought I was very close to (was planning on asking her to be godmother to my baby). It’s made me realise that she never really invites me and DH to anything small (she invites us to all big events and she and I do things one on one, but she never asks the two of us to do things with the two of them). I’m 99% sure there’s no issue between her and her husband and my DH, we all seem to get along well.

Not sure how to go about raising it though without coming across as petulant or guilt-tripping and also don’t really want them to invite me now out of obligation or guilt. Not sure what I want the outcome to be really, maybe just an acknowledgment that it wasn’t very kind timing to plan this trip without me and maybe a firm commitment to some other plans after they get back? Close friend is going back to work in July though

Would appreciate any thoughts on how to handle this like a grown up. I know if I don’t raise it now I’ll just feel resentful and it will eventually come out in a more angry way. TIA.

I'd try and look on it as just shit timing. Re the second holiday maybe they wanted to go at a certain time but assumed (maybe correctly by the sound of it) that you wouldn't be able to accompany them and re the childless couples holidays maybe that's just what they wanted - a holiday for childless couples. Either way I really don't think you can say something without it becoming a bit of an elephant in the room in future unless of course you notice it happening more often for some reason.

On the practical side, first, it's highly unlikely you will want to do your baby's first trip abroad that young, and even if you do, getting first the birth certificate and then the passport within 8 weeks would mean really having to rush.

But second, as others have said, it is the way to ruin in friendship groups to assume everyone will be in everything all the time. If it gets to the point where no subgroup can meet, go on holiday, etc, without including everyone, the group will fall apart. Don't you ever just want to see one or two of the group without the whole gang?

Right now you are probably tired and full of hormones and prone to overreacting at things. The appropriate response to this is to tell them you hope they have a great trip, to ask about it in an interested and non-jealous or judgmental way. And next time, you propose a trip and invite them or one of them or whoever you want.

Also, although I have many fiends I love to bits, there are only a very small number I'd be willing to holiday with including with their kids for a week. A weekend, yes. A week, no.

They probably just thought they wanted to go away before it got too hot or something and thought you might not get a passport sorted in time or something

It might be because when you have really little kids, their age in months seems really important and people tend to hang out with babies the same age so they can talk all things babies. I've seen it with nct groups where there is a few months between the first and last babies in the group, the first ones become the kind of experts having bonded over the various 'stages' at the same time. I'd bet its that.

The good news is that as time goes on, the differences between a say 12 and 16 month old becomes much less than the difference between a 2 month and a 6 month old...and people go back to work, hobbies etc and 'normal' life resumes again and people go back to bonding over more than just talking about their babies.

I dont think I'd say anything as think it might just make things awkward

I can see why you’re hurt but I wouldn’t say anything. Take it on the chin x

I totally see why you are upset that the 2 with babies havent invited you as well. If I got the chance to say something casually I would along the lines of that you wish you were going / hope you can come next time ... although that feels a bit cringey as I write it. Basically, if you get the chance show that you would like to be going as well!

How old will their babies be in comparison to how old yours will be when they go away?

OP,
It is ok to feel a little bit miffed, but please, please do not say a word to them.

@StrawberryFever has given wise advice.

Nothing good will come from a conversation with them.

Things will most likely become uncomfortable, tense and will not change the outcome.

You are having a baby and are focused on that.

They are a bit further along and planning a holiday.

The two that are childless are simply living their lives.

If you feel tempted to verbalise your upset, be prepared for them to be irritated, a bit allergic to you and think you are both entitled and presumptuous.

This could irrevocably change your relationship with them.

Do you want this?

Kindly, I think when this baby arrives, the last thing you will want is a week in spain with an 8 week old.

Far wiser to swallow your upset, put a bright face on and tell them you hope to be able to do something similar at a later date.

Your friend that you thought you were very close to should have said something but I think you are closer to her than she is to you.

This is a time of change in your life.
Don't do anything rash that you may regret.

Focus on other friendships and also expanding your circle as you enter this new phase.

Your friends will be a handy resource for you if you can move on from this.

Wishing you well.

@billy1966

OP, It is ok to feel a little bit miffed, but please, please do not say a word to them.

@StrawberryFever has given wise advice.

Nothing good will come from a conversation with them.

Things will most likely become uncomfortable, tense and will not change the outcome.

You are having a baby and are focused on that.

They are a bit further along and planning a holiday.

The two that are childless are simply living their lives.

If you feel tempted to verbalise your upset, be prepared for them to be irritated, a bit allergic to you and think you are both entitled and presumptuous.

This could irrevocably change your relationship with them.

Do you want this?

Kindly, I think when this baby arrives, the last thing you will want is a week in spain with an 8 week old.

Far wiser to swallow your upset, put a bright face on and tell them you hope to be able to do something similar at a later date.

Your friend that you thought you were very close to should have said something but I think you are closer to her than she is to you.

This is a time of change in your life.
Don't do anything rash that you may regret.

Focus on other friendships and also expanding your circle as you enter this new phase.

Your friends will be a handy resource for you if you can move on from this.

Wishing you well.

Kind, wise words x

OK thanks everyone, seems unanimous so I won’t say anything.

I am planning on making other new mum friends, NCT, post natal yoga etc, so it’s not so much that I’m worried about filling my time, was more just hurt that such close, long-standing friends hadn’t considered me. But I think you’re all right that it’s just unfortunate timing and maybe if I had had my baby a few months earlier there would have been a different outcome.

I think the point here OP, is that you would perhaps at least like to have been told, with the kind caveat that because youd just given birth, perhaps not the best timing for you.

Consideration is key here I think. Not so much being invited, but OPs feelings being considered.

Perfectly acceptable imo. This is a long standing close group of friends where inclusion and group activity is the norm. OP is right to feel a bit miffed. I would too.

That said, I agree with others, dont say anything because that type of thing is hard to come back from.

Hugs

It's understandable that you feel a bit hurt but also understandable that people don't want to always do big group things and the dynamic or circumstances of those two couples may work better.