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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I lied to a potential partner

46 replies

Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 17:51

Im not a dishonest person. I told a lie to someone i would like to be with and now i dont know what to do.

Weve known each other around 20 years, ive always had feelings but our lives went in different directions. Weve been talking around a year but not met up. Ive told him everything but i told one lie. He is very against the covid jab and i told him i havent had it but i have. I know hes going to be so angry but i cant risk loosing him i feel like hes my person.

What do i do?

OP posts:

DoNotTouchTheWater · 27/02/2022 17:52

The fact you feel you have to lie about vaccinations suggests he really isn’t your person.

gamerchick · 27/02/2022 17:54

Just don't talk about it. It's none of his business and tbh if you're worried about him being so angry then I doubt this has starting power.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 27/02/2022 17:54

He's not 'your person' if you can't talk openly and honestly to him, and if you're scared of losing him or scared about how he will react when you tell him.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 17:58

@DoNotTouchTheWater

The fact you feel you have to lie about vaccinations suggests he really isn’t your person.

The fact that he would actually be angry with you for having the jab, which is your personal business and has absolutely nothing to do with him, is more than alarming. Get rid of him, only misery awaits.

Original poster

Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 17:59

Its the only thing ive not been honest about, everything else i have told him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 18:00

I think it would be more upsetting that i lied rather than about the jab but i dont know.

OP posts:

Peachtoiletpaper · 27/02/2022 18:01

Why would he be angry with you? He's entitled to make decisions about his own health and body, but not yours. If he doesn't grasp this then I don't think he would be a suitable partner.

Associatepeggy · 27/02/2022 18:01

He isn't your person. Why is he so against the covid jab?

Gowithme · 27/02/2022 18:02

Don't you think the fact that you felt you couldn't tell him the truth and are now scared that he's going to be really angry are big red flags suggesting he really isn't your person? He is literally making you feel you have to be a person you're not to keep him - a liar.

Just tell him the truth and explain why you didn't feel like you could tell him. Apologise for lying but be clear that you don't regret having the jab (I assume). If he can't accept you think differently about something to what he does and that it's your choice if you have the jab or not then you're just getting more and more big red flags IMO.

Alternatively if he is understanding and appreciates your honesty even though your views differ then you'll be getting green lights that he's ok and not the dick he sounds at the moment.

Original poster

Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 18:02

@Peachtoiletpaper

Why would he be angry with you? He's entitled to make decisions about his own health and body, but not yours. If he doesn't grasp this then I don't think he would be a suitable partner.

I think he would be most angry that i lied.

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 27/02/2022 18:02

I know hes going to be so angry

Why. The. Fuck. would you want to so badly be with an angry man? You're scared to tell him you've had a vaccine. What are you thinking right now? Seriously!

This is a red flag. This is one of those signs that tell you a man is no good. This is when you end the relationship BEFORE you have three kids, debts, no job and nowhere to go.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2022 18:03

He isn't your person if you can't tell him the truth about everything.

If you're wanting to please him/scared of his reaction and thus say something that isn't true, this isn't a healthy relationship, it isn't equal.

You need to own everything about yourself, and be proud of it.

MrsWooster · 27/02/2022 18:04

He’s not your person -you aren’t ‘with’ him yet and already you’re editing yourself to be acceptable to him. He is not your person.

Original poster

Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 18:05

Thanks everyone - i think i need to step back and evaluate what i want. Sometimes it takes others to point out the obvious to you when you might not want to admit it.

OP posts:

Louisianagumbo · 27/02/2022 18:06

If you think he'll be annoyed that you lied, tell him you just has it done yesterday. Then he won't know that you lied but you'll be able to be honest about being vaccinated, and you'll be able to see what his reaction is to the vaccination. Or just don't tell him because it's none of his business. Or get rid of someone who you're scared will be angry with you.

Thinkbiglittleone · 27/02/2022 18:06

If you are worried about him being angry, steer clear of him. Yes you have lied and that's awful, but you should not be worried about his anger, it's just wrong.

Let it go and move on.

Louisianagumbo · 27/02/2022 18:06

Oops, sorry. Cross posted.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2022 18:09

One of the most educational things to do early in a relationship with a new man is disagree with them, say 'no', make a decision contrary to their advice.

Their reaction should tell you if you should continue or not.

Peachtoiletpaper · 27/02/2022 18:09

But the point is, you don't owe him disclosure about any medical decisions you've made for yourself. If you wanted to lie to him, I.e. not give him confidential information about your medical history for whatever reason then that really is up to you. It's not for him to be angry about. If he doesn't get that, he doesn't sound a reasonable man.

elfycat · 27/02/2022 18:09

You lied because of something HE is. You should be the angry one for having been put in that situation because of him. You lied because of fear, and that is the giant-red-banner of a red flag.

So don't worry about the lie. As others have said he's not your person. If he was you'd have been able to do what you wanted and not fear repercussions. DH and I disagree over a few things and if we cant compromise we make the best choices for ourselves, and the other respects that.

Lampan · 27/02/2022 18:10

An anti-vaxxer who get angry easily. What a catch!

Seriously though, it sounds like you are afraid of him and you’re not even in a relationship with him. It really doesn’t bode well. Surely it would be much better to find someone you can be open and honest with? Someone you could have differences of opinion with but it not turn nasty?

Original poster

Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 18:12

I have to state - im not scared of him. When i say hel get angry i dont worry about my safety or anything i worry hel never want to speak to me again. No we arent together but ive had feelings a long time.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2022 18:15

@MrsTerryPratchett

One of the most educational things to do early in a relationship with a new man is disagree with them, say 'no', make a decision contrary to their advice.

Their reaction should tell you if you should continue or not.

This is brilliant advice.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2022 18:18

@elfycat

You lied because of something HE is. You should be the angry one for having been put in that situation because of him. You lied because of fear, and that is the giant-red-banner of a red flag.

Another great comment. Your lie is a result of his judginess. Red flag. It's the kind of relationship which ten years down the line will have you walking on egg shells.

Chestofdraws · 27/02/2022 18:18

God op., this is so sad. You’ve decided he’s the one, you’re not even in a relationship, he’s so anti vax you lie because you can’t be honest with him and you’re scared of his reaction.

Why have you been talking for a year and never even met or went on a date? Does no part of all of this feel like an odd fantasy?

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