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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lied to a potential partner

46 replies

Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 17:51

Im not a dishonest person. I told a lie to someone i would like to be with and now i dont know what to do.

Weve known each other around 20 years, ive always had feelings but our lives went in different directions. Weve been talking around a year but not met up. Ive told him everything but i told one lie. He is very against the covid jab and i told him i havent had it but i have. I know hes going to be so angry but i cant risk loosing him i feel like hes my person.

What do i do?

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 27/02/2022 18:19

It's the kind of relationship which ten years down the line will have you walking on egg shells

It’s not a relationship they have not met up.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2022 18:19

@Rhi36

I have to state - im not scared of him. When i say hel get angry i dont worry about my safety or anything i worry hel never want to speak to me again. No we arent together but ive had feelings a long time.
Op, this is a very low bar. Thinking he won't hit you is a fairly basic requirement.
BigFatLiar · 27/02/2022 18:19

@Rhi36

I have to state - im not scared of him. When i say hel get angry i dont worry about my safety or anything i worry hel never want to speak to me again. No we arent together but ive had feelings a long time.
In most posts it's women complaining that they've caught out their partner in a lie and they're advised not to trust them and see it as a big red flag.

If you want to get together with him just tell him and see what he says however let it be a lesson that all too often these things come back to bite you.

He'd have to be pretty special for me to want to get involved if he is so anti-vax.

Original poster
Rhi36 · 27/02/2022 18:20

@Chestofdraws

God op., this is so sad. You’ve decided he’s the one, you’re not even in a relationship, he’s so anti vax you lie because you can’t be honest with him and you’re scared of his reaction.

Why have you been talking for a year and never even met or went on a date? Does no part of all of this feel like an odd fantasy?

We havent met because we live far apart. But weve met in the past before we went in different directions for a while.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 18:21

You need to examine why on earth you'd lie to placate someone, just to keep the relationship going. Are you that desperate for a man? Do you not believe you have the right to make any decisions you damn well please?

tearinghairout · 27/02/2022 18:27

Next time the subject comes up, admit that you've actually had the jab but you told him otherwise because you didn't want to disagree with him because you wanted him to like you, which is the truth. But he may well feel that now he can't trust you, so you'll have to convince him that it's been your only lie and you won't lie again.

BigFatLiar · 27/02/2022 18:28

@Aquamarine1029

You need to examine why on earth you'd lie to placate someone, just to keep the relationship going. Are you that desperate for a man? Do you not believe you have the right to make any decisions you damn well please?
Thats easy. At the start of a potential relationship often people want to be seen in a positive light by the new partner so will agree with/conform to be seen as a good match. Bit rubbish really as if its important you may get caught out which is worse, bit immature.
arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2022 18:29

Focus less on whether he likes you or not op, and more on whether you like him.

In this thread alone you've told us he's selfish (anti vax for non medical reasons is selfish - or at least was when we thought vaccines meant you couldn't get it), that he's judgemental, that he won't respect your opinion, that he's always right, that he won't even listen to your opinion.

Not very good qualities.

layladomino · 27/02/2022 18:58

If he was 'your person' you wouldn't have felt the need to lie to him.

Opentooffers · 27/02/2022 19:37

OP, non of this 'thing' is healthy and the way you describe your feelings about it shows more that you may have unhealthy emotional attachment issues.
This thing is so tenuous, it shouldn't even exist. Apart from that, all I've got to say is that not having the jab can often go hand in hand with a conspiracy theorist attitude, so he's also possibly got his own crap going on. Soundbite a match made in hell to me. Reconsider and get counselling.

Pizzadreams · 27/02/2022 19:41

How far apart do you live that in a whole year you couldn’t meet?

TracyMosby · 27/02/2022 19:54

When was the last time you physically met him?

VodselForDinner · 27/02/2022 20:01

Why are you with someone you’re afraid of?

You really need to evaluate why you’re desperate to hold on to a man like this.

You can do better.

GreyCarpet · 27/02/2022 20:07

Why are you with someone you’re afraid of?

They're not together. They've been chatting. They've not even had a date.

scoobydoo1971 · 27/02/2022 20:22

Forget about the lie. You are dreaming about an anti-vaxxer. The sort of selfish idiot with no science training who spouts dubious conspiracy theories to feel important and edgy. All the while, intensive care is blocked up with covid patients for two years, and people like me have to wait an age for life-saving surgery due to the pandemic impact on the hospitals. Doctors and nurses have to work flat out in terrible conditions to save lives. Honestly, raise the bar. People like him put people like me at great risk of dying due to our complicated health issues. I hope you don't want to go with him to any sports or music gigs for starters as you have to show your vaccination record to get in. You'll be waving at him parked outside. Don't date a loser.

Georgeskitchen · 27/02/2022 20:45

Massive red flag. You lied because you were scared of his reaction. If he was a decent person he would respect your choices. Why not tell him you've just been for your first dose and see how he reacts. If he starts being arsey he's not the one for you

Pizzadreams · 27/02/2022 21:52

How can you be scared of him when you’ve not met the bloke for years and don’t live anywhere near him? Neither have even made an effort to see each other in thr last year. He’s a ghost. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Afan · 27/02/2022 21:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NotaCoolMum · 27/02/2022 22:24

@DoNotTouchTheWater

The fact you feel you have to lie about vaccinations suggests he really isn’t your person.
Yep 💯
BigFatLiar · 28/02/2022 13:27

Massive red flag. You lied because you were scared of his reaction.

Yep and the red flag is for the OP. This is someone she doesn't really have a relationship with. She's building up fear about something that may never happen. Her fears are being compounded by MN telling her he must be a bad person when it's still just fantasy. He may well be. Bad enough being anti-vax.
Simply remember she doesn't really know him that well. She's lied so that she can be seen in the best light by him now she's worried he'll find out and turn into the hulk. He may be angry, he may not care. Just now it's all in her head.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2022 14:29

Find someone you don't ever need to lie to.

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