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Original poster

great husband changed suddenly

54 replies

Krasunya · 27/02/2022 17:47

Can anyone share if they’ve been through similar situation, I feel I am “ going crazy”, hard not to cry all the time.
Married for 10 years, so happy! Children, holidays, romance etc. Then as life became stressful he would make often rude/sarcastic comments,
Made me so upset, kept asking him not to do it. As overall he was very good husband I didn’t worry too much, thinking he will mellow
with age, become more polite/gentle. Now at the age of 59 he suddenly tells me he wants to leave me! “ I love you forever but I cant go on
It is making me ill”. I fear he is going through middle life crisis, recently he wanted to use all of our retirement savings to buy a dilapidated church
“ to use as an art studio”. He doesn’t want to go through counselling, when I appeal to him, asking not to break the family for the children’s sake
He just says “ they will survive”. He seems depressed to me, I wonder if he cannot think straight?? He says not depressed. He is a Capricorn, emotions are very hard for him.
I still love him and he looks so miserable/confused, I want to be there for him but its hard as he keeps being affectionate despite being certain on leaving me it makes no sense ☹
I am not ready to give us, he was a wonderful husband for ten years, but now every day is costing me a piece of my sanity ☹((

OP posts:
Bearnecessity · 27/02/2022 19:08

Sounds like fear of getting old, turning 60 and inability to understand or vocalise his feelings beyond the extreme...we are done scenario. Try to sympathise and discuss what he is feeling and/or get him some therapy.....sorry Op ....sounds hard....

layladomino · 27/02/2022 19:08

I'm so sorry you're in this awful situation.

A 'wonderful' husband would be willing to go for counselling before breaking up an otherwise good marriage.

Are you sure he hasn't met someone else? It's odd that he's determined to leave, with no obvious reason.

I suggest you, privately, seek some legal advice to see where you will stand in a divorce. Get yourself armed with information. He seems determined to leave and your future self will be grateful if you're organised now.

You can't save a marriage if only one party wants to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2022 19:13

His star sign is completely irrelevant here.

What layladomino wrote.

I am also wondering if he has actually met someone else.

Wartywart · 27/02/2022 19:18

Can you get him to tell you exactly what it is that is "making him ill"? Does he want things that you don't (art studio for example)? Does he feel that you are stopping him from realising his dreams? How old are your children?

springisaroundthecorner · 27/02/2022 19:19

Tell him to leave or he will make you miserable

MrsBerthaRochester · 27/02/2022 19:27

He has someone else waiting in the wings. He is using the script, not happy, your fault blah blah blah. Get him to fuck.

AthenaPopodopolous · 27/02/2022 19:28

Yes tell him he’s free to go! Then enjoy your life without a man who doesn’t value you like before.

Original poster
Krasunya · 27/02/2022 19:30

Thanks for your empathy guys, and some good advice. I dont think he met someone else. My main problem is I cannot decide what to do- just support him no matter what in case he has a genuine " brain fog" from having midlife crisis

Or to put myself first and just ask him to leave .. but what if the situation was in reverse, I would have wanted him to be there fore me, even if my behaviour was irrational.
Our daughter is grown up, she will be fine but we have an adorable 6 y old son and when I see his innocent little face ( he doesnt suspect a thing!) I have to literally bite my lips till it hurts to stop breaking into tears and scaring him..

he deserves to have mummy and daddy! i fear he will have relationship issues one day if I dont manage to keep family together

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/02/2022 19:31

Oh dear. My now XH went through something similar. Started a while before though...would be happy if we got a caravan, which didn't work. Got a motorbike, no didn't work either. Got a second bike. Nope...got another car (in addition to the one each we already had). None of these things worked. Sounds very similar to your dilapidated church situation. If I had realised, I would have just divorced him much earlier. Turns out he was Online Dating looking for a New Wife at the same time. My advice would be think hard about setting him free, and finding (like my XH,) that actually New Wife, or anything else hasn't actually made him happy. You might consider counselling for yourself, to talk this through. Sorry, it's all a bit sh*t isn't it Flowers

Iamkmackered1979 · 27/02/2022 19:35

He deserves two happy parents and your husband clearly doesn’t want to be there which is awful for you both but he’s witnessing your dh being horrible to you, you on eggshells because you’re upset. You need to think of your child. Relationship issues down the line are not an excuse to stay. He’ll have more issues if you stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Really sad op and I’m sorry for you but I think your son deserves better.

itsnotdeep · 27/02/2022 19:35

I think it's really common to cling to the thought that the H is having a breakdown/is depressed etc, when he's just following the script.

Sorry OP. And I think your son is just as likely to have relationship issues if you do the pick me dance or struggle on for a few years.

TheHoptimist · 27/02/2022 19:45

how old are you?

WhatNoReally · 27/02/2022 19:53

It sounds like your sanity isn't in a good place already if you believe everyone born in January struggles with their emotions.

StanleyGreen · 27/02/2022 20:25

@WhatNoReally

It sounds like your sanity isn't in a good place already if you believe everyone born in January struggles with their emotions.
There really wasn't any need for that now was there. Are you the kind of person who kicks someone when they are already down? Because it certainly looks like it to me.
ChickenStripper · 27/02/2022 20:37

Clarify some things please ? You have been married 10 years but together how long? You have a 6 year old and grown up children? How old are you ? Are all the children his?

Original poster
Krasunya · 27/02/2022 21:12

We have been together for 11 years, married for 10; daughter is 22 from my previous marriage; the son is his. If I had any doubt about him, there is no way I would have married him/had a son. Everything was so perfect and I was looking forward to being together forever.

Hi Whatnoreally, not everyone believes in astrology and its ok, let us all respect our different opinions. I am sorry if you are a Capricorn and I have accidentally hurt your feelings.

Thanks again for your support everyone does make me feel a bit better :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Krasunya · 27/02/2022 21:13

oh yes and i am 48 yo

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 27/02/2022 21:15

As painful as it is he has made a decision, let him crack on with it. You will survive.

NotStayingIn · 27/02/2022 21:33

I'm so sorry this is happening. I do fear though that wanting to support him, being there for him, will not work and will not make him love you.

In essence, you would really be doing what you have been doing for 11 years. And it's not what he wants.

So I think taking the upper hand and being firm that this is not how you will be treated, and asking him to leave, might be better. It will either jolt him into more positive action or allow you to lead a life free of his bullshit. Good luck OP, I appreciate it's really hard.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 27/02/2022 21:36

If he says he wants to split up then I’m not sure how you support him through it other than saying good bye.

SunflowerTed · 27/02/2022 21:40

There will be another woman waiting! Sorry but blokes don’t often want to leave unless there is somebody to go to

Original poster
Krasunya · 27/02/2022 22:23

Hi NotstayingIn

My wish to support him is not to make him love me ; he is a father of my son and needs support when he is unwell, us separating doesn't change that.

I agree if he has another woman then she can look after him, so i will be asking him that question

if he doesnt -I will help him as a friend; you cant ignore years of happiness we shared, plus we have years of parenting ahead of us anyway, need to keep it all amicable and nice

thanks again

OP posts:
sairiegamp · 27/02/2022 22:32

The fact your OP says he "changed suddenly" makes me also think there's another woman and he's feeling "depressed" because he's going to feel like a shit/not have his cake and eat it/has got a difficult decision to make - stay with you or give up his family life.

Or maybe he's got a brain tumour and it's changing his personality. It's possible. But a lot less fucking likely than the first scenario.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/02/2022 22:40

He may or may not have someone else lined up/on the go. Some people just are always seeking the’thing’that makes them feel happy— car/woman/man/motorbike/ business/living abroad because they simply never feel content- I don’t always think someone else is on the scene— but I think many like the idea of ‘fresh experiences’

Gamezup · 27/02/2022 23:06

Sounds like he's getting his oats elsewhere. I too thought I had a wonderful husband but at 59 years old he too became moody, distant, pensive and I sensed something was wrong. I put it down to stress on his part, long hours, work, perhaps he was unwell....it turned out he had been visiting prostitutes!
I would suggest the mood swings your DH is going through is due to him not being straight and honest with you. Very likely there's another woman/women on the scene somewhere.

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