great husband changed suddenly

[Krasunya]

Can anyone share if they’ve been through similar situation, I feel I am “ going crazy”, hard not to cry all the time.
Married for 10 years, so happy! Children, holidays, romance etc. Then as life became stressful he would make often rude/sarcastic comments,
Made me so upset, kept asking him not to do it. As overall he was very good husband I didn’t worry too much, thinking he will mellow
with age, become more polite/gentle. Now at the age of 59 he suddenly tells me he wants to leave me! “ I love you forever but I cant go on
It is making me ill”. I fear he is going through middle life crisis, recently he wanted to use all of our retirement savings to buy a dilapidated church
“ to use as an art studio”. He doesn’t want to go through counselling, when I appeal to him, asking not to break the family for the children’s sake
He just says “ they will survive”. He seems depressed to me, I wonder if he cannot think straight?? He says not depressed. He is a Capricorn, emotions are very hard for him.
I still love him and he looks so miserable/confused, I want to be there for him but its hard as he keeps being affectionate despite being certain on leaving me it makes no sense ☹
I am not ready to give us, he was a wonderful husband for ten years, but now every day is costing me a piece of my sanity ☹((

I’m sorry op, that sounds shit. I too instantly thought cherchez la femme. My ex h’s mid life crisis was in fact an affair. You need a serious talk with him - you need to know where you stand.

@WhatNoReally

It sounds like your sanity isn't in a good place already if you believe everyone born in January struggles with their emotions.

Rude

Argh, it’s entirely possible to be woman and MH crisis all at the same time. They self medicate this hole in themselves with new things, or new women. It’s so utterly pathetic.

IME they very VERY rarely leave without someone lurking in the background.

Let him go. Only talk about the children and finances. Distance yourself emotionally. Try to not beg, cry, scream. Show him your poker face and let him go. Don’t play any pick me dance.

This may make him realise that he can’t treat you with disdain and as a bit part in his drama. It may mean he goes. But either way you’ll be proud of yourself for holding your line.

Remember that the man in front of you now is NOT the man he was. Treat him as such.

I’m so so sorry this is happening. I know how very much it hurts when someone who was always so wonderful suddenly becomes someone you don’t recognise.

Yes. He's seeing someone else or looking.
Tell him if he's unhappy he's welcome to leave - don't entertain any of his nonsense.
It's got nothing to do with his star sign, it's the oldest cliche in the world.

You're both desperately unhappy. Let him go. Make sure your son will still get contact and that you'll get a fair amount of maintenance.

I'm sorry OP but your mental health is important here too.

Move your money in to a long term deposit account so he can't buy a love nest with it for his other woman.

Take copies. & photos of all his documents, bank statements, assets and pensions.

Book a solicitor and get the ball rolling for a quick divorce, you'll be a free woman by Christmas.

Men generally don't leave unless they have a replacement wife lined up unfortunately. Do you have any suspicions?

He is a Capricorn, emotions are very hard for him

No, he's an asshole stringing you along. 59 is not a mid-life crisis its an 'oh shit I'm old, what else is out there for me' crisis. I would also be thinking of another woman, or plans in that direction.

When a man changes from amazing to moody, confused and depressed it's usually another woman.
Most men are perfectly happy with the status quo at home, would say they were happy etc until they fall for the OW.
Then they notice your faults because they're comparing you to OW.
They shower more, buy knew clothes, become secretive but may still have sex with you because they feel invincible.
They have flights of fancy, the worlds their oyster and a little thing like young dc world changing is nothing to them.
Their new loyalty is to OW.
They are selfish, cruel and completely self absorbed.

They're really isn't an antidote I'm afraid.

I feel for you but 'I fear he will have relationship issues if I don't keep the family together' is dramatic nonsense. Your son will be fine.

Get legal advice without telling him

Get copies of all paperwork without telling him

Time to find out exactly where you stand before he starts blowing family money on god knows what

Your DS will be fine

Oh dear, I'm married to a Capricorn who sounds remarkably similar. Tbh I'd just take it at face value, let him go and give him time to think about what he's doing. my husband always comes round, just needs time to feel he was making the decisions. Just make sure he can't take all the money.

The only way to do this is hardball. No more discussions or crying. Tell him he has to leave. You’re in danger of being completely devalue. A friend of mine did this to his wife. She begged him to stay. He did. He has no respect for her and talks shit about her. It’s no way to live

I think many women describe their husband as "depressed" when in actual fact the men are changing - they want something different, something new . It doesn't matter if you don't want to give up I'm afraid. There is certainly something going on here . A miserable/confused person can cause you a lot of hurt. You need to be prepared.

@tiredanddangerous what absolute bollocks. It's must be exhausting being so cynical, sexist and generalising billions of people.

OP it sounds like they've had enough but may be worth ruling out anything medical? Dementia can cause huge personality changes but I do feel that maybe clutching at straws in this situation.

However no one knows you, he or any of the circumstances so people have a tiny viewpoint of your life. Perhaps speak to someone that does have more interaction with you both

I think @tiredanddangerous is right! A man would only generally leave when he has another woman.

OP, I think at some stage you'd be better off putting yourself first and starting to get angry with him. It really sounds as though he's feeding you The Script.

This is your Crossing the Rubicon moment, OP.
I don't think you can stop this train. But what you can do is ring fence your finances so that he doesn't spunk your soon-to-be divorce settlement on a dilapidated church.
Sorry to sound so negative but not only have I seen this movie a few times, I've starred in it.
Put emotions aside for one hot minute and get your ducks in a row, financially speaking.
Do you have a joint account? Change that.
Is your name on the mortgage/deed? If not, apply for housing rights with the land registry so that he can't borrow against the house to buy a love nest dilapidated church/art supplies/any ridiculous penis extension-on-wheels that might add 10 inches to his ego (and other stupid shit men in midlife do).
I'm so sorry you are here, wondering what's going on. And I'm sorry to paint a hopeless picture.
I'm a year older than you as is my best friend.
We raised a cup of tea together yesterday to the absurdity that her stupid husband has replaced his amazing former wife with a bedside table full of condoms (discovered by the kids when visiting dear ol' dad's new bachelor pad). For the record, my friend moved off to the Netherlands, looks ten years younger, and is really living a great life. Endings bring new beginnings.

Maybe it'll all be ok with your husband. But in case it's not, be a good scout and be prepared.

A man would only generally leave when he has another woman.

You give 'a man' way too much credit and balls here.
My friend's husband had another woman for 5 years.
Why did he stay in the marriage? His laundry got done, his dinners were nice, his kids were raised in a 'family' home, his Volvo on the drive looked better with an intact nuclear family strapped safely inside.
Image. Security. Finances. Laziness.
He was an utter bastard to my friend. A grumpy, miserable, prick with all the trimmings. He stayed. She stayed. And then they just broke. Finally! It's the best thing that ever happened to her.
Men stay.
They will absolutely stay if little miss pussy on the side isn't hollering 'leave her for me'. They will absolutely stay if little miss pussy IS hollering 'leave her for me'.
Men are lazy bastards. Not all, but the ones lacking integrity are lazy bastards.

Dear Cherryblossoms please elaborate what happened with your husband? for how long have you been together etc.

Its a quality many men seem to share though (possibly Capricorns more so), that they are only happy when they "feel" they make all the decisions..(at the same time they are quite content if their wife manages family finances etc as long as their ego is not hurt). I am not saying it crossly, I am smiling.. many mums can see this in their little sons even at the toddler's stage.. its a deep and primal male instinct.

Its easy to give up on marriage, I take on board all the comments.. but is one of you married happily for 40-50 years?? it takes a lot of love, patience and understanding to get there
Thanks

You are defending his shitty behaviour based on astrology woo

If you're happy to be treated like this then do nothing

If you believe you deserve better then start being proactive

Honestly Op you are going to have to woman up here or you will end up screwed.

'It's a QUALITY men share' ?!? Omfg op, you poor thing.

OP I'd stop reading horoscopes and start copying bank statements.

Your H has checked out, the only way you can get him back - if indeed you want to - is to appear to have moved on and work out financially what it looks like.

it takes a lot of love, patience and understanding to get there

True… qualities your husband doesn’t have at present OP. Sounds like he’s already left the building, emotionally.

Sorry OP, it’s a shock to the system when they behave like this. I have experienced it. He has checked out and you have no power now to check him back in. Your power lies in building your life without him and co parenting your son. Start getting your ducks in a row and get going in your new life.