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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how would you feel about this - am I overreacting?

34 replies

MaMaLa321 · 27/02/2022 10:04

I'm feeling very unhappy with my husband at the moment, and I'm posting here for a sanity check on the issue.
The background is that a few years ago my brother told us that our mum had told him that my husband had cancer. Which he hadn't.
So, a few years on and we've just had a family party , which went well, and, when everyone left, my husband has told me that he took my (90 year old) mum on one side and asked her about why she did it.
My mother is, and always has been, quite difficult, but I feel really angry and upset that he would do this, especially several years after the event.
Would you feel angry with him? He just doesn't get it and think he's been reasonable.

OP posts:

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 27/02/2022 10:09

So you didn't ask her at the time?

Original poster

MaMaLa321 · 27/02/2022 10:11

no.
I don't challenge my mum (for various reasons) and he says it's the 1st opportunity he's had (not true)

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 27/02/2022 10:11

You're being unreasonable. That's a terrible thing to lie about and you should have challenged her at the time. He's clearly been upset by it for a long while.

HeadingForHome · 27/02/2022 10:12

Your mum told huge lies about your DH, and he asked her why. And you're mad at him? Is that right?

Why did your mum say it in the first place? Why has no one ever raised it with her before? And what exactly is it you think your husband has done wrong?

BusinessMindThoughts · 27/02/2022 10:13

He's not unreasonable to ask why she made up/ was mistaken that he had cancer. I'd want to know how that came about, too - it's hardly an easy mistake to make?

LampLighter414 · 27/02/2022 10:13

You're overreacting.

What is so wrong with him asking your mum a question about something stupid/mean she did in the past?

TenThousandSpoons · 27/02/2022 10:13

I think it’s been bothering him for a while (understandably) and he wanted to finally ask her. Maybe he should have told you first that he planned to if things are difficult with her but it could have been a spur of the moment thing where he saw his chance to take her aside. What did she say?

SickAndTiredAgain · 27/02/2022 10:14

YABU, I’d want an explanation for that lie as well. And I’d be annoyed if DH just let it go if it was his mother lying about me.

Original poster

MaMaLa321 · 27/02/2022 10:14

that's why I want a sanity check.
I suppose I've spent all my life appeasing my mother.

OP posts:

notthatonethisone · 27/02/2022 10:15

I'd be angry my mother said that about my husband. And I completely understand his need to find out why

I'm actually more confused you didn't press this further at the time?

SNUG2022 · 27/02/2022 10:15

A perfectly reasonable thing for him to do. Perhaps he just couldn't bear it any more. You should have tackled it. Just because you have a messed up relationship with her, doesn't mean he isn't able to challenge her. FWIW I'd have gone mad at her at the time, assuming she has no dementia etc.

FiveShelties · 27/02/2022 10:15

Why did you not ask your Mum for her reasons for telling such a bizarre lie?

SleevedOff · 27/02/2022 10:17

@MaMaLa321

that's why I want a sanity check. I suppose I've spent all my life appeasing my mother.

I think you have hit the nail on the head there.

Your husband is most definitely justified in asking why she would say something like that.

Yes he could have asked her about why she did this sooner but I think if he wants an answer after a number of years it's his right to ask her.

I can't believe someone would lie about something so serious.

Original poster

MaMaLa321 · 27/02/2022 10:18

Apparently she couldn't give an answer, just floundered around a bit.
I hear what you all say, I truly do, and I'm aware that it sounds pathetic to say that I find it difficult to deal with.

OP posts:

Rosebuud · 27/02/2022 10:18

I can’t understand why you’re upset with your husband at all. What she’s done was horrendous, no matter how many years ago and I can’t fathom for the life of me why you didn’t address it at the time and are pissed your husband has.

If your in laws were telling people you had cancer when you didn’t would you wish your husband to ignore it and get pissed if you said something?

HeadingForHome · 27/02/2022 10:23

You need to stand with your husband on this. Be on his side about it. I'd be gutted if my husband didn't have my back in this same situation.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 27/02/2022 10:32

OP, I think your anger is misplaced here. You don't know how to show or feel anger towards your mother so you're using your husband as a proxy.

I'd give your DH a break. He's the one who will be at your side once your mother pops her clogs. Don't ruin that primary relationship with your DH over your 'difficult' mother.

Peachtoiletpaper · 27/02/2022 10:35

YABU sorry, I understand you've have a tough time with your mother.

He was well within his rights to ask, it's a horrible think to hear about yourself. She may have made it up out of malice, she may have got confused or misheard something at her age. Either way, I would want to clear it up if I was DH.

caranations · 27/02/2022 10:35

@MaMaLa321

that's why I want a sanity check. I suppose I've spent all my life appeasing my mother.

And yet when someone else has the balls to stand up to her, you don't like it. I'm sorry, but I'm team DH on this one.

Original poster

MaMaLa321 · 27/02/2022 10:36

OP, I think your anger is misplaced here. You don't know how to show or feel anger towards your mother so you're using your husband as a proxy.
Yes, thank you all for your responses, and especially this one. I've been simmering with irritation with my mum while she's been staying and I believe that's what's happened.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 27/02/2022 10:36

You have no right to feel angry and upset with your husband

What your mother did was horrible and of course he wants to find out why she told such a horrible lie, you should want to as well

You are aware she is a difficult woman, and by not challenging her over the years, for whatever reason you have in fact been enabling her behaviour and you are angry with your husband!

The people you should be angry at are your mother and yourself

TulaOfDarkWater · 27/02/2022 10:37

To be perfectly honest, it’s your husband who should be upset with you as I imagine this isn’t the first time you’ve let her behaviour go unchecked.

devildeepbluesea · 27/02/2022 10:39

“I don’t challenge my mother” speaks volumes about your relationship and her personally.

YABVU to be angry at your DH. He sounds like a remarkably restrained person to have not said anything before then.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/02/2022 10:50

Yeah
You owe your husband an apology.

You cant express your feelings to your mum hence why you didn’t call her out originally ( which you should have done)
He in turn, tried largely to suppress it because it’s your family and he is try to keep the peace for you.

He is totally right to feel anger - I have had similar with my DH and his mother and his anger was totally displaced onto me as he could safely be angry with me.

What she did is honestly crazy and your response to it was far from normal.

Absolutely Amazed she is allowed over the door into your house let alone that you HOST her after what she did. It’s quite outrageous to be honest.

Your DH is a tolerant man and must love you.
I really recommend therapy to get clarity on how messed up the whole thing is. It really helped my DH

Gazorpazorp · 27/02/2022 11:04

People, let’s not give OP a kicking. Clearly there is a lot of history here between her mother and her. The fact that she says she’s spent her life appeasing her mother is very insightful, and her acknowledgment that she has been angry with her husband because she cannot allow herself to be angry with her mother is very significant. Blaming her doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

I agree with the therapy idea - psychoanalysis would help you understand what is going on here and help you change the pattern.

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