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Original poster

Gambling husband

26 replies

Gwaaaaaa · 26/02/2022 21:13

Hi,

First time posting here, never imagined it would be this….
Found out a few weeks ago that my husband had gambled all our savings away and worked out exactly how much he could get away with gambling each month so he can no get found out.
Since then he has blamed me for his gambling due to him being unhappy with the lack of free time he has away from me and our two young children, said he wasn’t prepared for me to deal with our finances and didn’t want to transfer some money each month into our children's account to make up for what was lost as I would have too much control and it wasn’t the children’s money that was lost in the first place anyway.
I thought maybe we could get over it when it was just the money, even though it was tens of thousands, but taking no real responsibility for this or trying to put it right has really really got to me.
I’m not really sure what I want from this, mainly to vent I guess. Am I expecting too much or is this really selfish behaviour??? He has very little to do with the children, mainly due to his long hours but my eldest is starting to become aware of the arguments and night and the atmosphere, I don’t want to split my family up but at the same time I really resent him right now.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2022 21:27

Venting is all well and good but the underlying problem ie his gambling addiction remains. He is also blaming you for his gambling addiction and you are already looking at tens of thousands of pounds losses and that’s only what you actually know about. I would think the financial loss is a lot greater.

I would urge you to seek legal advice going with a view to divorcing him. It’s as bad as that. This is no environment at all to be raising children in and you need to protect yourself financially too because he will take you all down with him. You cannot help your husband here, a man who does not want to be rescued and or saved.

Original poster
Gwaaaaaa · 26/02/2022 21:37

The thing is I can see his bank now and he did just stop when I found out, not that he told me, which I kind of feel is worse as I don’t see how he can actually be addicted, and was so just selfish???
I know you’re right, the thought of him having the children every other weekend though fills me with dread.

OP posts:
PantoFine · 26/02/2022 21:53

I know gambling is an addiction etc so no moral judgment as such.

However, he’s stealing from you. He’s taken your joint savings. It’s theft. I could never get past that. I see he’s blaming you too Hmm. Sounds a prince.

EOW, at least you wouldn’t be living with someone stealing from you. A thief living in your own house. 100% unacceptable in my book.

PantoFine · 26/02/2022 22:03

Arguments, atmosphere, resentment on top of the stealing. Not seeing what you are “keeping together” here.

Original poster
Gwaaaaaa · 26/02/2022 22:06

The thing that hurts most is how he’s reacted to it, he just doesn’t want to even try to put it right.
I think I would be better off without him, I worry for the children, and also he hasn’t always been very responsible with the children it scares me what would happen on his access weekends.

OP posts:
Oimyerda · 26/02/2022 22:23

Do you work yourself? Get a job and save money in your own account to keep it safe.

Pinkbonbon · 26/02/2022 22:27

Is your house safe?

Having worked in the bookies and seen how gambling destroys lives, I say get out of the relationship asap.

But it's also pathetic that he has blamed you!
He is a nasty specimen all together and you would do well to get away, fast and far.

Roasteros · 26/02/2022 22:28

@Gwaaaaaa so, let me summarise:

  1. He gambled away all your FAMILY savings.
  2. He blamed you for his rambling in the first place.
  3. He doesn't want to try to sort out his mess.

He is a coward. I know what I would be doing next.

Roasteros · 26/02/2022 22:30

*gambling, although his pathetic excuses are fairly rambling...

PantoFine · 26/02/2022 22:32

What do you think would happen?

The other possibility is that he might make more effort EOW. Or if his caretaking was poor he wouldn’t get access, I don’t know.

Anyway, I think you ought to see a solicitor about your options here as with everything else, rather than second guessing.

Lyonic · 26/02/2022 22:40

@Gwaaaaaa

The thing that hurts most is how he’s reacted to it, he just doesn’t want to even try to put it right. I think I would be better off without him, I worry for the children, and also he hasn’t always been very responsible with the children it scares me what would happen on his access weekends.
With respect, the man said he needed space or "free time" away from you and resorted in gambling. Gambling is an escape and while its easy to cast stones, maybe get to the real issues?
  1. How affectionate are you towards him.
  2. How interested are you in his life/hobbies
  3. What was he gambling on? Is there a free alternative you can both enjoy, so you can better support him

I see a lot of people saying divorce, bit where is the counselling option? For gods sake there are children involved.

Original poster
Gwaaaaaa · 26/02/2022 22:45

Yes the house is safe, and I do work so am trying going to keep that totally separate now.
He’s not always focused on the children when he’s with them and both have been able to wander off for him when he’s had them on his own, although not that recently it does worry me how they would be looked after.
He gets angry when we talk about the situation, and I just don’t really want the children to be around it.

I do think your right, solicitor would at least give me facts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gwaaaaaa · 26/02/2022 22:47

@Roasteros ramblings was pretty apt too

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 26/02/2022 22:49

Are you sure your house is safe. Have you done a credit check to see if he's taken out loans or credit cards to fund his gambling habit?

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 26/02/2022 22:50

Omg ignore lyonic, him stealing money and neglecting his children has nothing to do with how affectionate you are. Don't worry about how he will cope with access, focus on separating and really don't be so sure the house is safe. Gamblers are capable of anything

Original poster
Gwaaaaaa · 26/02/2022 22:52

@Lyonic that would be fair if he had mentioned that he actually wanted time on his own more than what he has anyway.

I have suggested to him counselling, both gamblers and more general but apparently now it’s out in the open he doesn’t need either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gwaaaaaa · 26/02/2022 22:54

@CherryDocsInYrBalls thank you 😊
@Shouldbedoing I will definitely do the credit check, thanks!

OP posts:
PantoFine · 26/02/2022 23:05

Exactly Lyonic, there are children involved. Gamblers are not above secretly gambling their home away, not just savings. Children and wife could easily be homeless and on the streets, overnight, completely penniless. It happens. I would never tie my finances to a gambler because of this simple fact. It’s playing Russian roulette with your own life, every day.

PantoFine · 26/02/2022 23:11

You could in theory still have a relationship with a gambler, but I would never tie my finances up through marriage, joint savings or property. It’s just basic self-protection for yourself, and also children if you have any.

layladomino · 27/02/2022 13:49

Utterly shocking. He's been gabling your children's money away, lying to you and developing an addiction (if he isn't already addicted) and he has the cheek to blame it on you! Unbelievable!!

And his accusation - that he didn't get enough alone time - why does he think he's entitled to that?

And even if he thinks he's entitled to that - why didn't he just say so? Why was gambling the only answer to his unhappiness?

You know - and he knows - that his sorry excuses are just that. They aren't reasons. They are after the event excuses because he has royally f**ked up and he wants you to be the one at fault.

You are in no way to blame. How could you be? It's 100% on him. Don't let him deflect. Can you see what he's done? He's moving the conversation away from his gambling and lying, and giving away family money, and on to you being a bad wife. Don't let him do that. Make clear to him he is 100% responsible and you won't be taking any blame.

Then seek some legal advice. You now know you can't trust him. Worse, he doesn't seem to have any respect for you, or remorse, or willingness to change. No apoligies. He should be disgusted with himself over what he's done and yet - he's blaming you. It doesn't sound like he'll be working hard to regain your trust and rebuild your marriage. You'd be so much happier away from him. And you can ensure you have a safe financial future, and not live in fear of what he's up to now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2022 14:44

Have you ever seen a poor bookie - neither have I.

Stop with this whole worrying about him having the kids every other week and using that excuse to kick the can down the road. I doubt that he would see much if anything of his children going forward because they will interfere with his gambling time. His primary relationship is not with you or your kids; its with gambling. He could well see you guys as his family bankrupt and homeless; it does happen so do not assume it will not happen to you.

Your house may be safe but there are no guarantees that will be the case down the line if you and he remain together.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 14:48

I wish you could talk to my cousin who lived this hell. Her husband destroyed her life, and if you stay with him, he will destroy yours. My cousin thought her home was safe, too. And then she lost it. I would kick him out right now and see a solicitor at the very first opportunity. You can't trust him and you cannot turn a blind eye to this, hoping it will stop. It won't.

iRun2eatCake · 27/02/2022 15:16

You can only see what he is showing you in terms of finances.

He may have hidden credit cards, loans etc.

I suggest doing an Experian report on yourself and him.

Found out my now XH has an IVA. Thankfully when we got divorced my solicitor strongly advised l got a Consent Order so our financial link was severed too

Original poster
Gwaaaaaa · 27/02/2022 17:20

Thank you all for the advice, I know it’s the right thing to do. Even if he were to stop with the gambling, which there are no guarantees of that, all the trust has gone, and the lack of remorse or attempt to put this right are what has hurt the most! He just can’t seem to accept any responsibility for any of it and is acting like a child when they’re caught out. I’m just disappointed that a grown man could act like this.

OP posts:
LucyLimes · 27/02/2022 19:00

See a solicitor to see where you stand.

Solicitor. Solicitor. Solicitor
Solicitor. Solicitor. Solicitor
Solicitor. Solicitor. Solicitor
Solicitor. Solicitor. Solicitor

you get the picture? don't assume legal or financial responsibilities that may or may not exist in law. it will help you clarify future options and actions. and I believe that will also help you emotionally.

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