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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will I be alone forever?

36 replies

Gamma5 · 26/02/2022 20:39

I’ve been a single mum of two now for two years. I work full time, my ex moved abroad and my parents live far away, so the kids are with me 24/7. Apart from some school holidays, when the dad gets them. I cope fine most of the time, go to various activities with the kids, skiing and so on, and I love my job. And I’ve been dating for the past year or so. But… it’s mainly online dating. And I don’t know about the others’ experience, but for me, it sucks!!! My ‘record’ has so far been 1.5 months. He dumped me on that occasion, said he was not ready for a relationship. What a great excuse… Just tonight, a guy a met twice (no kissing or anything, just hanging out) messaged me that he needed ‘to think for a few days whether we should work out.’ I mean, what am I, a piece of clothing from an online shop he needs to think about??! And the guys I date are all educated, all have a similar career etc status to mine, at least based on their profiles and what they say. I feel like I’m about to give up. I love my kids, my job, I’m happy being who I am and I don’t need a guy just to have a man in the house. I would love to fall in love again and would love for it to be mutual - but as time passes, I’m really beginning to wonder if that’s ever going to happen to me again…

OP posts:
BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 20:43

Just wondering how do you manage to date when you are with your kids 24/7? only asking as that’s the case for me and my children’s father isn’t involved at all (and no family help) so have had to stay single for 5 years. .. would really like to meet someone but seems impossible

Original poster
Gamma5 · 26/02/2022 20:47

I spend money on a babysitter occasionally. It’s expensive and very painful when it’s a waste of time…

OP posts:
BabyTurtIe · 26/02/2022 20:50

Yeah that would start to get expensive pretty quickly especially with how hard it is to meet someone decent, it doesn’t sound like there is many decent guys out there, I had a little look at old but the thought of it scares me.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2022 20:55

Most of us aren't compatible with most of us. It's really not surprising to meet lots of people you're not compatible with before eventually meeting up with someone you are compatible with. After all, if people were generally compatible with each other, they wouldn't find it hard to meet someone, would they?

It's not an unusual story, it's not something special or different with you. It's just numbers. If you want to meet someone, you have to keep going, but if you're feeling fed up, have a break.

RainHailShineRepeat · 26/02/2022 20:57

Why do you need to fill the spot? Wouldn’t it be easier to focus on the kids and work then if you meet someone and it happens, it happens? The business of kids on top of work so you rake through online dating desperate to fill the spot seems like it’s more work than enjoyment and probably partly why it isn’t working out so well given the desperation to find the one.
IMO with everything else going on I think in time through work or someone you know etc you will eventually meet someone if it’s meant to be when you least expect it.

lolstevelol · 26/02/2022 21:37

Have you thought of dating men outside of your race. White men have so many options that they won't be into women their race with kids. Look at prince harry, george clooney and nick jonas.

User310 · 26/02/2022 21:55

@lolstevelol

That is honestly one of the strangest things I have read. Most people don’t actively choose to date a different race. They either like a person or they don’t.

MajesticallyAwkward · 26/02/2022 21:56

@lolstevelol care to walk us through that one?

spotcheck · 26/02/2022 22:03

@lolstevelol

Have you thought of dating men outside of your race. White men have so many options that they won't be into women their race with kids. Look at prince harry, george clooney and nick jonas.
This is so confusing........
LightfoldEngines · 26/02/2022 22:05

@Gamma5

I spend money on a babysitter occasionally. It’s expensive and very painful when it’s a waste of time…
Yep, which is why I book use my babysitter time for MYSELF. I never waste time or money dating.
HollowTalk · 26/02/2022 22:10

@lolstevelol

Have you thought of dating men outside of your race. White men have so many options that they won't be into women their race with kids. Look at prince harry, george clooney and nick jonas.
Wtf are you talking about?
olddater · 26/02/2022 22:15

Hi OP. I think your experiences with online dating are quite common. The "not ready for a relationship" line seems to be used a lot.

I think a lot of men aren't sure what they want and it's like kids in a sweetie shop mentality with online dating.

It's bloody frustrating isn't it. Just wanted to say I've been there. It's not just you.

Lyonic · 26/02/2022 22:26

Maybe your standards are set too high. You have 2 children already, which ia going to immediately exclude any man who wants his own family.

I really dont know why people "online date", I feel it is just for people who cant get a hobby.

GLTM · 26/02/2022 22:32

Yes, if you truly want to meet someone you will. All of my friends that have been long term single have met someone except one, who may still meet someone, but she prefers it on her own.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 26/02/2022 22:33

@Lyonic

Maybe your standards are set too high. You have 2 children already, which ia going to immediately exclude any man who wants his own family.

I really dont know why people "online date", I feel it is just for people who cant get a hobby.

You really t think why people online date?? To meet new people, to find love or romance, to find aFWB I'd that's what you're after - how are women with children and jobs and no childcare to find a man?
Anthurium · 27/02/2022 07:51

Having children not only excludes men who'd want a family one day, but also signals to all men (with or without children) that your time and availability for the other person is usually (severely) limited, and some people want to be the priority rather than an option iyswim.

When I was single and child free I didn't even notice men with children as a genuine dating possibility. Complete no no. I just saw 'baggage'. I didn't want my life to be restricted by their child/children. I wanted to be the priority and I was.

Maybe you need to have conversations regarding your time and availability early on so that everyone is aware before even embarking on a potential relationship? In particular, conversations around more children in the future, and cohabitation.

I'm now dating someone I used to date in the past before my child came along, so it's quite different as we have a shared history. I don't think I'd have the headspace/time/energy required to give to a relationship unless my child was older and more independent.

Musttryharder2021 · 27/02/2022 08:03

@olddater

Hi OP. I think your experiences with online dating are quite common. The "not ready for a relationship" line seems to be used a lot.

I think a lot of men aren't sure what they want and it's like kids in a sweetie shop mentality with online dating.

It's bloody frustrating isn't it. Just wanted to say I've been there. It's not just you.

Furthermore, most men in my extensive OLD experience want sex especially if they've come out of long-term marriages/relationships. They have zero interest in starting/progressing a relationship. For the most part women still control access to sex, so men need to appease women (by offering a pseudo relationship) to gain access to sex. Also, only a very small proportion of men actually get to have "like in a sweetshop mentality" usually the ones who are sought after in terms of their success/resources.
LightfoldEngines · 27/02/2022 08:56

@Lyonic

Maybe your standards are set too high. You have 2 children already, which ia going to immediately exclude any man who wants his own family.

I really dont know why people "online date", I feel it is just for people who cant get a hobby.

Eww, what a gross comment.

As a single parent, our standards HAVE to be high because we are prime targets for arseholes who think we are vulnerable, desperate etc.

Original poster
Gamma5 · 27/02/2022 09:54

Based on many replies, and my own experience of the last two years, I think there is a real possibility that I will indeed be alone forever. Oh well. I guess good to realise it now and stop wasting my energy and money trying to get something that’s unattainable.

OP posts:
olddater · 27/02/2022 11:23

Don't give up OP!

heartbroken40 · 27/02/2022 11:31

I think you must continue to keep your standards high and keep looking.

Take a systematic and ruthless approach to OLD. Know what you want and don't want and go from there - I think you will find someone but you need persistence and some luck. Don't lower your standards simply because you're a single mum. Or wait until the children are older. Good luck!

CrochetBug · 27/02/2022 11:39

Honestly? You've only been single for 2 years! How old are the DC?

I was single for 7 years when ex left. Other than a few dates here and there, but no proper relationships.
Then I was with someone for 2.5 years.

Been single again for 2.5 years now. I was on the verge of a relationship but he died last month. Sad

Give it time. OLD is hard!

Whatabambam · 27/02/2022 15:11

Really sorry OP but your post has attracted a very odd number of weird, pointless and negative opinions based on nothing other than outdated notions of dating. You will find someone, either online or in real life. The right person will come along and I wish you well

Original poster
Gamma5 · 27/02/2022 15:52

Thank you!! I needed that…

OP posts:
Xfan · 27/02/2022 16:19

@Whatabambam

Really sorry OP but your post has attracted a very odd number of weird, pointless and negative opinions based on nothing other than outdated notions of dating. You will find someone, either online or in real life. The right person will come along and I wish you well
How do you KNOW for sure that she will find someone? Are you the Oracle Grin?! People have posted their realistic experiences of OLD...suggesting to someone they will get their happily ever after based on nothing you nor I nor anyone else can guarantee is ridiculous!