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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I be alone forever?

36 replies

Gamma5 · 26/02/2022 20:39

I’ve been a single mum of two now for two years. I work full time, my ex moved abroad and my parents live far away, so the kids are with me 24/7. Apart from some school holidays, when the dad gets them. I cope fine most of the time, go to various activities with the kids, skiing and so on, and I love my job. And I’ve been dating for the past year or so. But… it’s mainly online dating. And I don’t know about the others’ experience, but for me, it sucks!!! My ‘record’ has so far been 1.5 months. He dumped me on that occasion, said he was not ready for a relationship. What a great excuse… Just tonight, a guy a met twice (no kissing or anything, just hanging out) messaged me that he needed ‘to think for a few days whether we should work out.’ I mean, what am I, a piece of clothing from an online shop he needs to think about??! And the guys I date are all educated, all have a similar career etc status to mine, at least based on their profiles and what they say. I feel like I’m about to give up. I love my kids, my job, I’m happy being who I am and I don’t need a guy just to have a man in the house. I would love to fall in love again and would love for it to be mutual - but as time passes, I’m really beginning to wonder if that’s ever going to happen to me again…

OP posts:

Lpc3 · 27/02/2022 16:39

@Musttryharder2021 so many times on here I read how men on OLD must be like a kid in a sweetshop which couldn't be further from the truth. Glad someone has come out and said it.

Looking at app data the pareto principle seems to be very much in action. The top 80% of women are chasing the top 20% of men leaving the bottom 80% of men chasing the bottom 20% of women.

I'm not sure what the solution is other than to recommend both men and women to come off the apps and try and form relationships in person.

CremeEggThief · 27/02/2022 16:48

Bluntly, yes, you could be. Although you probably won't be, statistically.

I'm still single 10 years after my marriage broke up at 34. I've only met one man I actually wanted to sleep with in all this time (well, until I realised he was a flake and then I didn't, luckily).

It's far, far better being single than having to settle or make too many compromises for the sake of any relationship.

Savoretti · 27/02/2022 17:04

It seems like you are using OLD to find just someone, rather than to find someone right for you. You should be vetting the men as much as them vetting you and deciding whether you want to continue seeing them. I met some really lovely guys, but they weren’t right for me, much as I may have wanted them to be. Think about what you really want and don’t settle

LightfoldEngines · 27/02/2022 17:14

It’s been 6 years for me (I’m 35) as I haven’t had a relationship since I left my abusive ex. Partly because I was pregnant with DD3, and (thank fuck) my ex isn’t interested in being a father, which meant I had no weekends off (like do with DD1&2s), and mostly because, frankly, it’s taken me this long to heal from the trauma, and get to a really good, happy place in life where I’m doing things I wouldn’t have dreamed possible 6 years, and I won’t take the chance a bloke could wreck mine and DCs lives (again).

For a year before the Pandemic, I had a long distance sex only relationship with an old friend who I’ve remained close to, as he’s down here once a month for work (and yes he’s definitely single!) but nothing for the last 2 years.

I’m not even bothered.

Frollop · 27/02/2022 18:47

I think this may be me and it's a depressing thought...as much as friends, hobbies, socialising are great it's not the same as an available decent partner.

I'm trying to get the confidence to go back online... it's an effort to take pictures and wait for the hi babe/sexy messages......and the cyber flashing! Saying all of that don't give up OP we have many years ahead so may as well keep a look out for a lovely partner x

YoungYeti · 27/02/2022 22:41

You've only been single for two years and your children have experienced the most unsettling disruption of their lives having their family broken up and losing physical contact with their dad which will all be hugely traumatic (whether their dad was loving or not).

Focus on your children. They really need you. You will have all the the time in the world to date. A man is not there to solve any void you feel. It's strange to be lamenting you'll be alone forever when you've only been single for two years and of course having young children will be a natural obstacle for dating. You sound too emotionally dependent on men

Anthurium · 28/02/2022 05:40

@Frollop

I think this may be me and it's a depressing thought...as much as friends, hobbies, socialising are great it's not the same as an available decent partner.

@Frollop

The issue is finding a 'decent' partner!

So many put up with substandard relationships only to be in one and say they have a partner... And single people tend to romanticise relationship dynamics, I've found, especially if you've been single for a while. I don't know, maybe because I've now got the one thing I was afraid I'd miss out on (having a child), that I'm not as bothered by having a partner? The man I'm currently dating is an addition to my life, I really don't 'need' him, not even to procreate with!

You're right OLD 'attire' the pics/cyber flashing is dreadful once you've been through the mill ...I know I did 2 years of OLD and it was dire other than a couple of people I'd met, but a good friend(s)/good sibling and/or parent relationship is worth far more.

LollyLol · 28/02/2022 05:57

Wait for the kids to grow up, then you'll find more men are interested. Who wants a relationship with someone who is with their kids 24x7? I don't think you are being realistic, you want to find a man who is going to slot into your life and at the same time be wonderful. Unlikely. You will need to screen hundreds and hundreds of men. You are better off just looking after yourself and if you happen to meet someone then that's lucky.

QweenBea · 28/02/2022 06:10

@Gamma5

Based on many replies, and my own experience of the last two years, I think there is a real possibility that I will indeed be alone forever. Oh well. I guess good to realise it now and stop wasting my energy and money trying to get something that’s unattainable.

Honestly, why is being on your own that bad? Fill your life with your kids and your friends and you never know what may come of that. I speak from experienc

Frollop · 02/03/2022 19:17

@Anthurium I agree with you.

Also a decent partner being an addition to your life is how it should be.

Regarding children I think this is a major issue for those who want them but can't find a decent partner to have children with so your probably right that you now have your much wanted child so finding a partner isn't such a priority which can be such a relief.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/03/2022 19:43

"When I was single and child free I didn't even notice men with children as a genuine dating possibility. Complete no no. I just saw 'baggage'. I didn't want my life to be restricted by their child/children. I wanted to be the priority and I was."

Yes, but you get to an age where you realise anyone you meet is quite likely to have children already. If OP is not looking for young men, it's likely there are men out there who just accept that a woman their age may have children already.

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