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Original poster

When to introduce kids to new partners?

40 replies

parched · 26/02/2022 18:59

DH and I divorced over lockdown and he moved out in October. DS is 12 and we co-parent. All v amicable. Yesterday my ex told me by text he met someone at xmas and wants her to meet DS. It's way too early for that, right?
I feel we are only just settling into our new situations, esp for DS who started a new school in Sept, and this would disrupt everything all over again. And it's only been 2 months - I think 6 months, when you are certain the relationship is going to be long term - is more like it.
How long did you or your ex wait before introducing kids to new partners?

OP posts:
Itshothothot · 26/02/2022 19:00

Well i would personally wait at least 2 years after splitting.

sadandcrazy · 26/02/2022 19:00

Mumsnet usually say over 6 months. In real life the people I know is usually more like 2. Never had to think about this one personally though. It must be hard for the other parent too I imagine.

NuffSaidSam · 26/02/2022 19:02

At least 6 months imo, preferably more.

A child doesn't need to be introduced until the adults are relatively sure it's going to a long term thing and you can't know that in two months.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 19:05

My adult dc met my bf within a few weeks. At their suggestion and approval he met the younger ones. Been together nearly 10 years. Personally waiting for a length of time wasn't for me - if he didn't like them /they him - there was no point carrying on was there?

Original poster
parched · 26/02/2022 19:14

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

My adult dc met my bf within a few weeks. At their suggestion and approval he met the younger ones. Been together nearly 10 years. Personally waiting for a length of time wasn't for me - if he didn't like them /they him - there was no point carrying on was there?
I hadn't thought of it that way 🤔
OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 26/02/2022 19:35

He’s 12 - he probably won’t be that bothered about who you are seeing . My son same age certainly wasn’t

Darhon · 26/02/2022 19:48

Older teens have had a casual meet with my partner 4 months in. I have 50:50 custody so no need to rush anything as I can keep things separate. We don’t need to blend so it’s fine and if we develop, it can grow organically. But I think there are lots of variables. I just wouldn’t as ex had twice now force a family situation and present giving etc

AubadeIsIt · 26/02/2022 20:30

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

My adult dc met my bf within a few weeks. At their suggestion and approval he met the younger ones. Been together nearly 10 years. Personally waiting for a length of time wasn't for me - if he didn't like them /they him - there was no point carrying on was there?
I agree. Id say its more important how you go about it than how long you wait or don't. A short visit or outing rather than a whole weekend, for example, and being honest about who they are. Not making out in front of the kids, or projecting into the future. And of course it's always better if the introduction is motivated by a true desire for the person and the children to meet, and not just a way to spend time with the new girl/boyfriend on weekends when one has the kids at the same time....
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 20:47

I met my dh in November.. Older ones knew at the end of November.. Younger ones knew I had a new friend. At Christmas they wanted to invite him round. He came after lunch. They so hit it off. He put lots and lots of effort into adult, teens and younger ones... They all get him a card on Father's day. Younger ones called him dad after we got married. They have no contact with their own df. He was committed to us very early on.

Sassbott · 26/02/2022 20:59

So he moved put in Oct? Met someone 2 months later and wants to intro that person to his son 2 months after meeting them? For your son, his family unit (as he knew it his whole life) ended 4 months ago and the ex wants him to meet someone new already?

Fuck me.

Ultimately you can’t say what your ex does/ doesn’t do. But that’s not ok and not remotely focussed on what this child must still be processing. It’s far too soon after your ex moved out IMO. Can’t fathom how anyone thinks this is ok.

User310 · 26/02/2022 20:59

My 7 year old daughter met my dp after a month. He also has a daughter and unbeknownst to both of us we had taken our children to the same fireworks display. It seemed odd to deliberately stay away from each other, so we didn’t. My dp’s daughters’ mum was absolutely against meeting new partners until 6 months so I didn’t meet his again until that time but we continued to do days out with mine… 7 years later we are married and have a baby. To be honest, I found it quite strange adding his daughter into the relationship after 6 months, it completely changed the dynamics we had got used to.

I think I would have probably waited around 3 months had we not of bumped into each other that evening but actually, it made things easier that he met my daughter earlier on, she was always apart of our relationship.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 26/02/2022 21:16

I have been with my partner 16 months, have not yet met his child.

Livandme · 26/02/2022 21:19

@Sassbott

So he moved put in Oct? Met someone 2 months later and wants to intro that person to his son 2 months after meeting them? For your son, his family unit (as he knew it his whole life) ended 4 months ago and the ex wants him to meet someone new already?

Fuck me.

Ultimately you can’t say what your ex does/ doesn’t do. But that’s not ok and not remotely focussed on what this child must still be processing. It’s far too soon after your ex moved out IMO. Can’t fathom how anyone thinks this is ok.

100% this. It's not about you or your ex. It's about your child. His feelings are most important. My ex introduced new gf way too soon and my dc were gutted. In particularly my son who now doesnt really see his father.
TyrannosaurusRegina · 26/02/2022 21:37

@Itshothothot

Well i would personally wait at least 2 years after splitting.
Same, it would be around the 2 year mark for me.
KylieKoKo · 26/02/2022 22:59

I don't think there's a set time. Nothing magic happens at 6 months or 2 years that means it will all go really smoothly. Ultimately this isn't your call. It's up to your ex when he introduces his partner and he doesn't need your approval.

Shuffleuplove · 26/02/2022 23:41

That seems very fast - was this woman in the wings beforehand?

My kids met my chap pretty quickly but it wasn’t planned, we had some logistics issues and I just said “this is my friend.” They didn’t react really. They’ve all met a few times since. My ex had moved out over a year before, and I’ve also been very clear that this is my friend and not in any way a person in a parental role.

PantoFine · 27/02/2022 07:38

Agree with Sass. Sounds also like the woman must have been around beforehand.

I think the later the better. But it’s also a case of are you serious, or just finding out about each other. I don’t think you can usually tell if it’s serious until 6-12 months, even more, depending.

I introduced my 10 year old son to a newish man, who then ended it after only a few months! My poor boy 😞. But I wanted to play happy families, and my dream/fantasy overruled common sense.

PicaK · 27/02/2022 08:20

My ex introduced the kids almost straight away to the first girlfriend. That relationship went tits up.
So next time he waited ages - over 6 months - then picked the Euro Cup final to have her over to his house for 4 hours. Then the next time was a weekend away camping. DD was fine but DS was bewildered by suddenly spending so much time trapped with someone else.
So yeah I think it's about knowing your kid and very much keeping it short, sweet and with the ability for the kid to withdraw

Struggling1702 · 27/02/2022 09:12

My ex and I agreed a minimum of 6 months for kids meeting new patners. I waited 7 months and took it very very slowly. It went well although my eldest (10 at the time) struggled a bit with the concept and said he'd rather we were just friends. So we took a step back for a few months until my DS said he missed seeing him and could he come round more. Turns out DS was terrified my boyfriend was going to move in and he said he preferred life at home with just the 3 of us... His dad wasn't too nice to him (angry, controlling, shouting) so he was scared of that. Anyway... No plans to ever move in together!
My ex on the other hand did what he wanted. Introduced her officially to the kids after 3 months (but he'd been having her sleepover since they met but he told the kids they weren't allowed in his room so they didn't see her as such). Next time they met her she'd moved in, that was a few day later. But... The kids somehow seem okay with it. I asked my son if it was okay (especially considering his freak out about someone moving in with us) and he said yes.. but his reason was that he doesn't see his dad much so it doesn't matter as it's not his home 💔. So I guess if your child doesn't see their dad too much it might be okay. My kids have very different expectations of me and their dad. Guaranteed even now (over a year since they met my boyfriend), if I said he was moving in, they would not be happy. (Neither would I tbh, I like our little family of 3)

pumpkinpie01 · 27/02/2022 09:53

I waited 9 months and it was hard work when they were introduced. My 5 and 13 year old were fine my 9 year wasn't . He basically didn't want me to have a bf at all, he was unpredictable and rude. But meanwhile his dad was introducing anyone and everyone!

Struggling1702 · 27/02/2022 10:28

@pumpkinpie01 it's really hard isn't it. Wonder if it's an age thing? My son is fine now but it does bother me how they have such completely different expectations of their dad as opposed to me. Do you find the same?

pumpkinpie01 · 27/02/2022 10:54

@Struggling1702 I'm going back years and it did turn good in the end ( we have been together 17 years now , married for 4) but it took a lot of patience and time and there were many moments where I thought this is never going to move forward . We did actually finish after 3 years as it just seemed hopeless . However their dad introduced them to 'gf's' that were barely more than a one night stand on his sundays with them ,but looking back the kids probably didn't dare say anything to oppose it as he can get quite strict and would please himself anyway .

madroid · 27/02/2022 11:01

The ppl saying I introduced my dc to my partner an hour before I met him - and now he's my husband of 100 years.

That's great. But. If it doesn't work out do you really want to have to consider your dc's feelings before breaking up with him?

More importantly, your dc have just been through a major trauma of their family taking on a majorly different shape. Even if that went as smoothly as humanly possible, it will still be a huge adjustment for them.

Don't then introduce the added hurdle of seeing their mum loved up, their dad 'replaced', an entirely new role as 'step child' etc etc.

It's too much and selfish. Just see them alone until you know it will be long term.

Original poster
parched · 27/02/2022 11:02

@Fidgety31

He’s 12 - he probably won’t be that bothered about who you are seeing . My son same age certainly wasn’t
He is bothered.. When I've mentioned a bf or gf for mummy or daddy he is not impressed!
OP posts:
balalake · 27/02/2022 11:12

Too soon given your DS and his response. All depends on the child and their age (and probably other things too). Six months would seem reasonable but not a hard and fast timescale.