When to introduce kids to new partners?

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DH and I divorced over lockdown and he moved out in October. DS is 12 and we co-parent. All v amicable. Yesterday my ex told me by text he met someone at xmas and wants her to meet DS. It's way too early for that, right?
I feel we are only just settling into our new situations, esp for DS who started a new school in Sept, and this would disrupt everything all over again. And it's only been 2 months - I think 6 months, when you are certain the relationship is going to be long term - is more like it.
How long did you or your ex wait before introducing kids to new partners?

At the end of the day though any relationship can end. The mere fact that the couple themselves are separated is testament to the fact that there are no guarantees in any relationship, and that long-term means nothing.

And there are ways of making introductions. The more formal and arranged it is the harder it is going to be, because you feel that pressure for things to work from the very beginning.

Personally I think the longer you leave it the harder it is, because introducing kids into the mix changes the dynamic of a relationship completely. personally I know several people who waited a long time to introduce kids and the relationship ended within weeks because the relationship changed completely, whereas I know plenty of people who introduced kids within a couple of months and they stayed together, because nothing changed in the relationship.

Personally my DS met my now DP within 6 weeks. Not because I chose it, but because my ex gave me an ultimatum, either I introduce DP to ex or he would, and then he showed up with ds when DP was here to collect something ds had forgotten.

So we went out on the next weekend, DP was introduced as my friend, they got on really well and still do.

And ex was pissed off because he believed that DS would be upset and he knew that that would have caused me to end my relationship. Instead DS went back to his and talked endlessly about the nice time he’d had with us.

We’re still together 8 years on. Had I had a multitude of casual relationships my attitude might well have changed as things went on, but we’re talking a first relationship here, and IMO every situation is different.

I had all sorts of ideas and rules about this before I was actually in the situation. I guess it is very much dependant on the children ages. I didn’t date at all for 2.5 year after ex suddenly left. I focussed solely on our 3 teenagers in that time, we’d all had a very unexpected, sudden change in our everyday lives.

After 2.5 years, I met someone. I thought I’d wait at least 6 months before introducing him to my teens but it all just happened very naturally in the end. The first meeting was when bf knocked on the door for a date and one of my children got to the door first so there was a very quick hello. It sort of built up from there slowly and genuinely did happen very naturally. We’re 8 months into our relationship now and he often stays here at weekends when my teens are around (they’re all older teens so are all in and out of the house and all have their own partners and friends around).

I’m glad it happened the way it did. I have no intention of living with my bf full time for at least a couple more years.

If my children were very young maybe I would have taken introductions more slowly and not have my bf stay the night this soon.

I think a lot depends on how confident you feel in the new relationship, too. My new bf is very respectful and easy to have in the house and has just integrated in very naturally. I’m on good terms with my ex and his girlfriend so all round things have worked out well because everyone’s mature, respectful and decent about things.

Myexdh made a big deal about how he would never introduce a new partner until at least a year. Then arranged a sneaky meeting with his gf and her kids at softplay and told our dcs she was a work collegue. They moved intogether after a year and it has cause a lot of problems as her dcs/our dcs dont get on and his gf tried to physically assault our dd.
I have had a few relationships but wouldnt dream of introducing to kids. My youngest ds really struggles with me even dating.

I introduced mine after 5 months. My children are young though (5 and 3) and don't really understand the concept of a boyfriend. He's been introduced as my friend and at first he just came out for the day with us and went home. He's recently started staying over occasionally but currently sleeps on the sofa bed. I plan to introduce the concept of him as my boyfriend over the next year.

I'd say it was too early, but you can't stop your ex doing anything. It's too early because from your ds's perspective the marriage ended only 4 months ago and he'll still be reeling from that.

In hindsight my kids weren't ready for me to be dating when I started dating - and it was way more than 4 months after my marriage ended!

I think as far as 2 months into the relationship are concerned - yes that's probably too soon.

Mine met my partner after about a month. Totally unplanned but I had fallen over and hurt myself quite badly at couldn’t walk so he came over to see if I was ok. I have my kids 100% of the time and they liked him from the off. However, he didn’t sleep over for over a year, I went to him in an evening if we wanted time together and I didn’t stay at his either. 2 years in we have holidayed together very successfully but ye still only stays once a week and we have our own family time and safe space the rest of the time. The teens adore him and have become great friends. The pre teen likes him very much but is relatively indifferent as my partner is excellent at being a friend but not getting involved with any patenting

I separated and ex moved out. 2 months later he told me and kids he wanted divorce. 2 weeks after that he told them he had a gf and the kids would meet her soon. The kids were 15 & 13. They voted with their feet and refused to meet her. Screwed up their relationship with their dad no end and neither have yet recovered.

OP-its clear that DS isn't ready. I hope you have a good enough relationship with your ex to convey to him the strength of feeling from your boy. As he's the important one here. And his timescales for this information are the most important in this situation.

Im shocked at the amount of women who will put dick before their kids. After two months you dont know this person from Adam! Its wrong.

There's no right answer. I wouldn't introduce a casual boyfriend/girlfriend but if they are serious about each other then there isn't a set period because we are all different we knew straight away that our relationship was for the long haul, dd met dp on our third in person date (distance meant we talked a lot on the phone.) she was 20, her younger sister had set up my dating profile and I had showed them Dp's profile before I contacted him.

At 12 I don't think it's that important to wait, they understand that adults have relationships and sometimes they are quite short

I don't understand why parents introduce their kids to their latest boyfriend/girlfriend unless they were planning to marry and live together.

The poor child's life has already been torn apart by family breakdown and shuttling between two homes/parents. Why add yet more disruption to their lives and it's emotionally distressing (even if they don't show it to you or know how to process it) because this stranger they haven't chosen is yet another reminder that their family is broken and they are now forced to experience other adults invading their previously intact family.

Just keep kids out of your dating life, it's nothing to do with them.

It's not your decision.

OP in this situation I would be concerned as to why your ex wants to introduce them.

I mean, it sounds like he wants them to spend time together. Which IMO is very selfish. Your ex wants to see his girlfriend but his son doesn't.

I think he should spend time with his son alone for quite a while longer.

Thanks everyone. I now know it's someone at work so he already knew her prior to dating. And DS has met her a few times, where she's been introduced as a friend 🙄

Way too early. I doubt your DS has even fully had a chance to come to terms with her dad moving out yet! Ask your DH to wait another 6 months at least.

I only introduced children when I felt sure it was going somewhere which after 2 months is impossible to know as your lust hormones are still ruling the head ones.