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Original poster

Is it ever ok to end your marriage via letter/whatsapp etc?

28 replies

jessthepostmanscat · 26/02/2022 14:03

Just that really. Namechanged for this. I'm mid 30s, 2 children (one late primary age, one early secondary age). Together for a long time but I've been unhappy for a long time. A few years back I was a weak pathetic mess who would have let him get away with anything but everyone has their limit and I've finally reached mine. He's broken my trust, there was an emotional affair, there's just general narcissistic behaviour and emotional abuse, I'm pretty sure he's financially abusing me too. I've posted on here several times about him under a dfferent name and the responses have always been to say I should leave him, stupidly at the time I tried to defend him but now I see all those people responding were right.

Several times I've said I'm not happy and he's always made loads of promises about how things will change, thngs will be better but nothing ever changes. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this terrifies me and that's what's made me realise I need to do something about it.

The thing that sounds really stupid is I just can't seem to open my mouth and say those words to him, that I want to separate. I get terrible anxiety and I just can't do it, I don't know why. So this is why I'm asking, would it be really bad to bring it up by writing him a letter or sending him a message on whatsapp? Obviously I'm happy to have a proper face to face conversation about it all, it's just starting the conversation that I'm struggling with. So maybe writing something like "I'm really unhappy and I think we would be happier apart, I'm sorry for writing this in a message but I've struggled to put it into words verbally, but I'm happy to have a proper conversation about this'. But would doing it this way make me a really bad person?

OP posts:
poppupppirate · 26/02/2022 14:06

You are not a bad person and you should end this relationship 100%, however you need to be firm and not give him the option to talk about it, you've made your mind up and that's that.

But first.

Make copies of all necessary paperwork, bank statements, house stuff, anything atall financial related. Make sure you have access to money in an account that he can't access. Basically make sure you don't give him chance to fuck you over as a punishment.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 14:08

I ended mine by text!! Been together 4 and a half years. Married 2 and a half. Found out one Sunday he had lied massively about money and finances. His solution was to get drunk. I went to work and school run on the Monday and text him he needed to be gone before I got home. Filed for divorce the next day. He was indeed gone. And haven't seen him since. Divorce took less than 3 months. No dc together.
No joint finances or assets.
And no regrets.

Original poster
jessthepostmanscat · 26/02/2022 14:18

Make copies of all necessary paperwork, bank statements, house stuff, anything atall financial related. Make sure you have access to money in an account that he can't access. Basically make sure you don't give him chance to fuck you over as a punishment

Thank you, I've done as much of this as I can. I did have a free 30 min appointment with a solictor too just to check where I stand on a few things. Thankfully we have our own bank accounts, I pay the rent and I transfer money to him for bills. The main thing that terrifies me is if he tries to say the kids should stay with him and I move out. But to be honest I'm pretty sure they would want to stay with me - my eldest definitely would. There's actually been times she's said to me 'why are you even still married to dad? Why do you put up with him, why don't you kick him out'. Speaks volumes really doesn't it. But to be honest he's not been in regular employment for the last couple of years whereas I have a secure job so I think if god forbid it ever went to court or anything, they'd see that I'm the one who provides for them. I just need to stop being scared and overthinking it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessthepostmanscat · 26/02/2022 14:20

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping wow thank you that really makes me feel so much better. Well I'm not glad about your situation obviously, I'm really sorry you went through that. But honestly I've spent weeks going over this in my head feeling like a terrible person for even considering doing it this way. I just need to get out, this is having such an effect on my mental health now and I really can't live like it much longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessthepostmanscat · 26/02/2022 14:23

If I did try and start the conversation verbally, what do I even say? I know that sounds ridiculous but I just dont know what to say. I don't think it's the conversation so much that I'm worried about, it's what happens afterwards. I know how nasty he can get. He's never been physical or anything like that but he can be very nasty verbally. In the past when we've had arguments he's done stuff like getting right in my face and shouting really loudly, telling me to fuck off and I'm a miserable fat bitch, etc. This was in front of the kids as well. So I guess maybe you can understand why I'm nervous. If he refuses to leave I don't know what I'll do.

OP posts:
RonCarlos · 26/02/2022 14:25

Yes, I think it is sometimes OK. I left a relationship with a letter once. This person gave me absolute grief during any discussion or argument. I can't imagine the stress of being married or having children with someone like this. The only thing is it can be very unsettling not to know or see someone's reaction. A phone call may be beneficial for you, once you have left. It helps with closure even if it ends badly. It is usually very difficult to get closure from an unhappy relationship though.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 14:27

If you work and he doesn't who manages the dc day to day? School runs etc. Be wary he could claim he is their primary carer...

Original poster
jessthepostmanscat · 26/02/2022 14:38

If you work and he doesn't who manages the dc day to day? School runs etc. Be wary he could claim he is their primary carer

Oh god this is what worries me. Have I fucked myself over by being the decent one and carrying on working all through the pandemic while he's sat at home doing nothing?

We are both students and we manage the school runs between us, around our lectures and my job. (Sorry I'm trying not to give too much info as it's outing). Some days his parents help with school runs. I work from home though and live near school so I think I could manage it all if needed, I might just need after school clubs 1 or 2 days. And to be honest my youngest starts secondary school in September so then they'll be getting themse;ves to and from school anyway.

I think it's worries like this that's made me stick my head in the sand for this long to be honest.

OP posts:
JimmyDurham · 26/02/2022 16:36

Some marriages have ended with a note scrawled in lipstick on a mirror. A letter or text or whatsapp would be perfectly OK IMO. Your marriage, your message, your choice OP.

Jumpking · 26/02/2022 16:45

Far better to write the letter and stick around to discuss it rather than a letter on the stairs ending a 15 yr marriage, then running off to Spain, like my bestie had from her ex.

drpet49 · 26/02/2022 17:10

No, it is the cowards way out.

ravenmum · 26/02/2022 17:18

Are you worried he could get aggressive, or could you write him a letter, say "I couldn't say this aloud, so I've written it down", and give it to him?

ravenmum · 26/02/2022 17:20

If he will get agressive, well then it's his fault if you don't bring it up face to face. But I'd still go for the letter.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 26/02/2022 17:24

Secondary school age they will be able to decide who they live with anyway.. At 12 my ds went nc with his df. No quibble about it at all. Maybe make sure you deal with everything that gets documented from now on . Dr /etc. School meetings and things too. Keep receipts if it is you that shops for dc related items.

BuxLane · 26/02/2022 17:28

My DP left his wife of 20 years via letter. He arranged to leave without her knowing, making sure he had somewhere to go to. He got up, left the letter and went to his new flat, in a different city. Never returned.

I didn't know him at that point but he suffered a sometimes violent marriage with an alcoholic wife.

He was too scared to tell her he was leaving.

Sn0tnose · 26/02/2022 18:20

If you’re married to a decent person, who has been a good partner, and you’re leaving because you just aren’t in love with them anymore, then it’s a dreadful way to treat someone.

In your circumstances, I’d be inclined to scribble ‘I’m done’ on a post it note and leave it stuck to the fridge. Just keep yourself safe.

NowEvenBetter · 26/02/2022 18:31

Why bother? If you’re married, just have him served with divorce papers and figure out where you’ll live. Trash doesn’t get to be treated decently, he can reap what he’s sown.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/02/2022 18:32

I would t blame you op, it sounds stressful. I felt the same as you but ultimately I ended up blurting it out at the end of a disastrous date night where yet again I was trying to fix it all and make the best efforts I could even though I was miserable. All he could do all evening was complain about the restaurant/meal/my efforts etc - and it was like a switch flicked. I told him there and then I'd had enough and the marriage was over, and that was that. I felt just like you and didn't know how/when to broach it but in the end it kind of just happened.

Best thing I did.

Do what you need to do Thanks

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 26/02/2022 18:34

I was the same. I wrote a letter. It opened up a way to talk. If you'd find it better, that's ok.

layladomino · 26/02/2022 18:36

I know your question wasn't about the wording, but

I'm really unhappy and I think we would be happier apart, I'm sorry for writing this in a message but I've struggled to put it into words verbally, but I'm happy to have a proper conversation about this'

isn't assertive enough. It tells him what you think and invites a conversation about it. You've decided you've had enough - with very, very good reason, so whether you tell him face to face or by letter, or whatever, don't say 'I think we'd be happier apart'. Say something more like 'Based on how you've treated me these last xx years, how unhappy that's made me, and your unwillingness to change, the only way forward now is separately. I don't want to be married to you anymore'.

Very best wishes Op. You deserve better.

RantyAunty · 26/02/2022 18:37

File and serve him papers. Then he'll know.

Soontobe60 · 26/02/2022 18:40

My mum, who was working in London during the week whilst my dad stayed in Manchester, left him a letter when she returned to London after having spent Christmas with us all, telling him she wouldn’t be coming back. He’d just retired early to set up a gardening business. She got half the house and all her pension as this was before pensions were included in settlement figures. He couldn’t buy another property so ended up in a grotty flat. We didn’t see her for 2 years then found out that she’d actually been living with someone all the time she’d been working in London. This was 30 years ago. My mum died on Tuesday, and her husband is in a home with no family at all as his children disowned him at the time. It’s all very sad.
When my dad died 5 years ago, we found that letter she left him and it broke my heart. Then she had the nerve to turn up at his funeral with her husband!!!

jytdtysrht · 26/02/2022 18:41

Just be aware that anything you write could be shared or used against you during a divorce. I'd go with a very simple message as suggested above:

Based on how you've treated me these last xx years, how unhappy that's made me, and your unwillingness to change, the only way forward now is separately. I don't want to be married to you anymore.

But make it clear that you are not just saying you don't want to be married (and that you might be open to changes), but that you would like to divorce.

Even if you wrote all the feelings stuff out, he wouldn't give a shit anyway if he's treated you like this.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2022 19:13

But would doing it this way make me a really bad person

Who do you think decides this?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/02/2022 20:08

@layladomino

I know your question wasn't about the wording, but

I'm really unhappy and I think we would be happier apart, I'm sorry for writing this in a message but I've struggled to put it into words verbally, but I'm happy to have a proper conversation about this'

isn't assertive enough. It tells him what you think and invites a conversation about it. You've decided you've had enough - with very, very good reason, so whether you tell him face to face or by letter, or whatever, don't say 'I think we'd be happier apart'. Say something more like 'Based on how you've treated me these last xx years, how unhappy that's made me, and your unwillingness to change, the only way forward now is separately. I don't want to be married to you anymore'.

Very best wishes Op. You deserve better.

This gives him a way back in by promising he will change this time or turning it around on OP that they shouldn't seperate because everything's her fault and all she needs to do is try harder and they can fix it. My H did this.

If you're certain you're done OP, don't give him any wriggle room. Don't refer back to the past, that allows him to turn it around on you. No apologies, you have nothing to apologise for. Tell him your marriage is over. You could even write it on a note and hand that over In person if you think you can cope with that.

"Our marriage is completely toxic and I'm done, I don't want to be married to you anymore. I will be filing for divorce. Once you've had a chance to think about it, within the next week or two we need to discuss some interim arrangements for the DC and how we're going to centre them moving forward as co-parents. If you have some thoughts on moving forward I'd be happy to discuss that now. The divorce however isn't up for discussion and neither is the past. Our marriage is over, it's the future and how we support our children that matters now."