Is it ever ok to end your marriage via letter/whatsapp etc?

[jessthepostmanscat]

Just that really. Namechanged for this. I'm mid 30s, 2 children (one late primary age, one early secondary age). Together for a long time but I've been unhappy for a long time. A few years back I was a weak pathetic mess who would have let him get away with anything but everyone has their limit and I've finally reached mine. He's broken my trust, there was an emotional affair, there's just general narcissistic behaviour and emotional abuse, I'm pretty sure he's financially abusing me too. I've posted on here several times about him under a dfferent name and the responses have always been to say I should leave him, stupidly at the time I tried to defend him but now I see all those people responding were right.

Several times I've said I'm not happy and he's always made loads of promises about how things will change, thngs will be better but nothing ever changes. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this terrifies me and that's what's made me realise I need to do something about it.

The thing that sounds really stupid is I just can't seem to open my mouth and say those words to him, that I want to separate. I get terrible anxiety and I just can't do it, I don't know why. So this is why I'm asking, would it be really bad to bring it up by writing him a letter or sending him a message on whatsapp? Obviously I'm happy to have a proper face to face conversation about it all, it's just starting the conversation that I'm struggling with. So maybe writing something like "I'm really unhappy and I think we would be happier apart, I'm sorry for writing this in a message but I've struggled to put it into words verbally, but I'm happy to have a proper conversation about this'. But would doing it this way make me a really bad person?

Thank you I really appreciate all of the replies. This is getting so difficult. After I posted this, twice yesterday he tried to initiate sex. For a while I used to just do it even though I wasn't really in the mood because I didn't want to face the conversation of why I didn't want to. But yesterday I just couldn't even bring myself to. Then we were sat watching tv for ages before bed and I kept thinking to myself 'I could do it now and just tell him how unhappy I am and that I want to separate'. But yet again I couldn't do it. Why can't I do it? I feel so pathetic. Then I end up thinking that if I'm this scared of doing it then maybe that means I don't really want to separate and maybe I should just stay with him. But honestly I can't stand the thought of this being my life

I've really got to do something about this because he'll end up asking for sex again before long and I just can't do it. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship. I'm so unhappy, all of the time. I'll be out of the house a lot this week, I'm thinking of sending him a message telling him the basics and saying we will talk about it when I'm home. But then I'll be worried about going home. Ugh I honestly hate my life at the moment. I just wantt o be happy but I haven't felt truly happy in such a long time now.

I've been close to telling my DH it's over loads of times. Never gone through with it. It takes a huge amount of courage. I don't have the courage yet. I hope you find your strength.

I was going to say, telling him my text etc is awful, but after reading your posts, I get why this might be the better way. Take care.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

If you're certain you're done OP, don't give him any wriggle room. Don't refer back to the past, that allows him to turn it around on you. No apologies, you have nothing to apologise for. Tell him your marriage is over. You could even write it on a note and hand that over In person if you think you can cope with that

Thank you. The past stuff barely even bothers me any more, I'm so resigned to it and I know he'll never change. For a while I used to try and talk about things in the past that had upset me, there's been many times I've sat and absolutely broke my heart crying about the things he's done to break my trust and I barely even get an apology any more. He just turns it around on me and says I'm the issue because I hold grudges and can't let thngs go (absolutely not true, I don't bring things up or throw them in his face, just every so often I'd like to be able to talk about something if it bothers me). I've now reached the point I'm past caring. He could honestly tell me he's leaving tomorrow to move in with a woman from the past (he didn't physically cheat but that's a whole other thread) and I don't think I'd care.

He could wake up tomorrow and have an epiphany, realise the error of his ways and become the most decent, trustworthy, loving husband ever. And I think it would be too late for me. That sounds awful and it just makes me so sad as I never thought we'd end up at this point. I really expected us to grow old together. I almost wish I could force myself to get feelings for him again but I just can't. I love him as the father of my kids and fondness for all our memories together but that's pretty much as far as it goes for me now.

WHY do I feel so guilty? I can't shake the feeling I'm doing something wrong.