Widowed SO

[KikiSB]

Hi, I have been with my partner for a little over 5 years. His wife died just over 10 years ago and, recently, he has started to bringer her up a LOT more. I spent Christmas with him and my prents, and we had a traditional Polish Christmas which was lovely, except "we always did this". He's Scottish, and his wife was of Polish heritage.

We have had other Chrstmases with him, and they have NEVER been traditionally Polish. He also didn't stop talking about how wonderful she was, and how much he misses her. All in front of me and my parents. Now I know she was the love of his life, but he has, up until recently, been quite sparing with talking about her and I am seriously confused.

He won't talk about it and when it does get mentioned, apparently I'm overreacting.

ANother point si I brought up the fact that he still has pictures of her in 'our' bedroom, and all around the house.

I don't begrudge him his grief and his time with this woman, but this sudden upsurge of 'her' is somewhat disconcerting and is making em question the whole relationship.

Did you move in together recently or any big changes?

In my experience grieving isn't linear. And things can knock us back into previous stages. I haven't lost a spouse. Bit I think that can apply to everyone.

Are you Polish? Maybe Christmas similar to the ones that he had with her and its caused some conflict for him.

I do think people should be able to grieve, have photos and talk about the person who died. But photos in a shared bedroom and all over, feel like he isn't really in a place for a relationship.

Grief is not set by time.

However the sudden increase in mentioning her is odd and being told you are ‘over-reacting’ for bringing it up is unfair.

After 5 years, I would expect more consideration of your feelings. And though she may have been the love of his life, you bloody well do not deserve to always be the consolation prize or second best.

Do you think he is trying to make you end the relationship?

Sounds shit OP.

We've been living together for a couple of years, and No I'm not Polish. The Polish Christmas was totally a thing that he HAD to do. Not my idea at this point - I did suggest it the first Chritmas we had together as I thought it would be nice for him, but this is completely out of the blue.

He's also never talked about her this much, since we moved in. He's also never had the urge to talk about her so much in front of my parents. I get the whole non-linear grief thing but this seems to be more than that.

It isn't even as though we're getting rid of an of her stuff that's still knocking around, or selling his house and moving to a totally new one. It really feels like he's rejecting me on some level. I mean to talk about nothing that we as a couple have done, and have the whole event revolve around her and her traditions?

I know it's been a while but I have been trying to process it with him and in my own head and nothing is making any real sense, other than he's wanting to change/end the relationship.

The whole Polish Christmas thing in homage to someone who died 10 years ago when no-one is Polish is strange.

Were your parents happy with it?

Tbh, I would probably consider cutting my losses. It's ok for him to remember the good times but very disrespectful of him to foist his memories onto you and your parents.

@THisbackwithavengeance

The whole Polish Christmas thing in homage to someone who died 10 years ago when no-one is Polish is strange.

Were your parents happy with it?

Tbh, I would probably consider cutting my losses. It's ok for him to remember the good times but very disrespectful of him to foist his memories onto you and your parents.

My parents don't see anything wrong. They thought it was a delightful time, and apparently it was great to hear so much about what he experienced with his late wife. I don't want to 'cut my losses' but this is totally baffling as to what, other than split up, he expects to happen. I just found it so disrespectful, and felt that I was the ghost. I literally could have not been there and felt/been more included in the proceedings.

If he won’t discuss this with you, effectively has light you as to his actions, and you don’t want to cut your losses by ending things and move in, there’s not a lot you can do except accept it

This far down the line and with greater frequency, he should be more in live with you, wanting to make new traditions with you. Grieve more to himself and not drag you in there. You have every right to want to be the love of his life now. Are you happy not to ever be that? To always be second best, what you want to do be second to his memorialising his late wife? Only you can decide that.

@PainterMummy

If he won’t discuss this with you, effectively has light you as to his actions, and you don’t want to cut your losses by ending things and move in, there’s not a lot you can do except accept it

This far down the line and with greater frequency, he should be more in live with you, wanting to make new traditions with you. Grieve more to himself and not drag you in there. You have every right to want to be the love of his life now. Are you happy not to ever be that? To always be second best, what you want to do be second to his memorialising his late wife? Only you can decide that.

Wise words, thank you.

Does he call her the love of his life, even now?

And I agree there does seem to be more to it.

Did they have kids?

There could be a few reasons this has happened. Anything from he has realised he isn't past it and decides to stop pretending (in which case he should have spoke you) to something has happened that you dont know that has knocked him further back.

But to be fair, the fact that he has photos in your shared bedroom of her, does suggest he has moved on as much as he says.

@Associatepeggy

Does he call her the love of his life, even now?

And I agree there does seem to be more to it.

Did they have kids?

There could be a few reasons this has happened. Anything from he has realised he isn't past it and decides to stop pretending (in which case he should have spoke you) to something has happened that you dont know that has knocked him further back.

But to be fair, the fact that he has photos in your shared bedroom of her, does suggest he has moved on as much as he says.

She had a son, now in his late 30s, who he brought up with her since he was 13. But no kids together. I just felt, up to a point, that it was OK for him to keep the pictures - especially as we have been 'properly' together for a relatively short space of time, up until now. It was their last home together and I didn't want to be 'evil second partner' and make him get rid but, after this Christmas I feel as though I am not even second best. I feel let down, as it was him literally begging me to move in and now I feel s though all he wants is a warm body there rather than me as a person. Thank god I didn't sell my own place and pay off the mortgage on his ......

I was seeing a widower. And he made comments similar to your SO.. "she was the love of his life" etc.. there were pictures of her in every room apart from the downstairs loo....despite his protestations, it was pretty obvious he wasn't ready to move on (he doesn't have kids, but his late wife does, both adults - so no one else to have to consider).. I have my own place, and we are still friends, but as a relationship it just wasn't working for me. He's now acknowledged that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship, but we will never be more than friends now.. and to be honest I feel like a big grey cloud has been lifted from my shoulders!

We have had other Chrstmases with him, and they have NEVER been traditionally Polish
So he hasn't had a Polish Christmas for 5 years? Or maybe even 10 years if he didn't have anyone to celebrate Christmas with before?
They were together for a good dozen years by the sound of it? And it's pretty likely that she organised their Christmases, so they were Polish.
I'm British but live in Germany. I'm sure that my exh misses the British stuff I used to make him do - for him it was an exotic, special tradition that he could almost boast about to his workmates etc. - he was proud of knowing all about it. And I miss the traditions we did with his family. His mum did a lovely venison Christmas dinner, and every year I think I should try to recreate it. And I am very far from missing my git of an exh! If your OH actually got on well with his wife then it's pretty understandable to me. Maybe he needs it pointing out to him that you cannot relate to this or make any sense of it at all, as you haven't got anything like that kind of experience? He shouldn't be telling you that you are overreacting, but he probably doesn't get your reaction any more than you get what it's like to have had a certain culture in your life for years, and it to then just be gone overnight.

Does he have any kind of "shrine" place for her? If not, perhaps you could encourage him to create one where he could put the photos so they are not everywhere??

Not sure i could have sex with a man and wondering where his mind /thoughts were given he obviously hasn't really moved on op.

He won't talk about it and when it does get mentioned, apparently I'm overreacting

If this is how he deals with your feelings, you have more to worry about in your relationship than his deceased wife.

@ravenmum

We have had other Chrstmases with him, and they have NEVER been traditionally Polish So he hasn't had a Polish Christmas for 5 years? Or maybe even 10 years if he didn't have anyone to celebrate Christmas with before? They were together for a good dozen years by the sound of it? And it's pretty likely that she organised their Christmases, so they were Polish. I'm British but live in Germany. I'm sure that my exh misses the British stuff I used to make him do - for him it was an exotic, special tradition that he could almost boast about to his workmates etc. - he was proud of knowing all about it. And I miss the traditions we did with his family. His mum did a lovely venison Christmas dinner, and every year I think I should try to recreate it. And I am very far from missing my git of an exh! If your OH actually got on well with his wife then it's pretty understandable to me. Maybe he needs it pointing out to him that you cannot relate to this or make any sense of it at all, as you haven't got anything like that kind of experience? He shouldn't be telling you that you are overreacting, but he probably doesn't get your reaction any more than you get what it's like to have had a certain culture in your life for years, and it to then just be gone overnight.

Does he have any kind of "shrine" place for her? If not, perhaps you could encourage him to create one where he could put the photos so they are not everywhere??

He's had Polish Christmases with his stepson, as before we moved in we didn't always celebrate Christmas together. He's literally never made a point before of having a Polish Christmas with me, nor has he asked me if I would like to participate. I don't have a real problem with celebrating anyone's version s I am not Christian, but it just seems as though it precipitated a whole cascade of reactions in my OH to the point where I may as well not have been there. I have suggested some sort of shrine but basically the whole house is one big shrine as that's where se died. I have suggested we sell our mutual properties and buy somewhere together, so we could start relatively fresh but "all of her things won't fit with your stuff in the house too". I honestly think we have reached the end of the road - I have certainly reached the end of my tether. I think he knows this as he's been particularly lovebombish since then, whch he knows I loathe

Then perhaps the other way round - that he was able to keep up the Polish traditions privately before you moved in, so he's only now missing them?
It must be hard saying goodbye to the old times, but I agree that a partner who valued you enough would also be trying to see things from your side once you pointed out that it was too much for you.
I doubt he could have foreseen how he would feel. Sounds rubbish for you both.

No, you don't have to put up with this.
Sure, he feels what he feels but it's unfair to drag you into it. He could have gotten grief therapy to help but he hasn't.

You've been together 5 years, but you still don't have a place with him.

God, OP, this is rubbish for you. Why does he want 'all her things' still? Surely he would keep some special things and pass on clothes etc?

I'm married to a widower and i found the early days of our relationship exceptionally hard (as there was also his 8 year old son to consider) as she was on a pedestal. When I met him I noticed that his late wife's clothes were still hanging in his wardrobe! However, I stuck with it, the clothes are long gone - there are still pics of his lovely late wife in my stepson's room but nowhere else in the house , except photo albums - he's moved on but we both still visit her grave occasionally. I find your partners behaviour unusual as he should be moving on with you and building new memories. This is not good for your confidence or self esteem. I'd be seriously questioning if this is a healthy relationship and if you want to continue. Good luck xxx

It's a tough one. His marriage to her is part of his history. Sometimes you want to talk about those fun things or recreate traditions. Even though my ex-H is a twat, we had some great experiences. He said to me once that it feels strange not being able to talk about those times because I'm not around. Other people wouldn't see the point as they weren't there.

Me telling people about it, doesn't mean I want him back - it's part of my history. But he needs to treat it like that, rather than creating a shrine. But being widowed, I think it's harder to do that.

I am going to suggest a completely differfent, and far more positive, possibility, OP. May he be getting ready to propose? If he is thinking of the next step with you, a final "goodbye" to his late wife in his thoughts and actions may be bringing up this change of behaviour. A way of finally moving on by emotionally and mentally asking her "spirit" for permission to move on. Could this be what is happening?

If your relationship is getting really serious do you think he's thinking of proposing but is feeling immensely guilty that he's moving on?
Could this be why he's suddenly started talking about her? He maybe feeling that his live for you is like a betrayal to her?

From your later posts Op I agree that it sounds like he is not ready to move on. To be worrying about fitting her belongings in to a new house with you is very telling.

I know grief is different for everyone, and it's possible to have a few days or weeks when it all floods back, this feels like more than that.

And on top of that, he isn't giving any thought to how this might affect you. He could have some of those thoughts privately but think 'it isn't fair on Kiki to always be talking about xy'. But he seems to think you and your life should be a part of his grief, that you should be grieving with him.

@aurynne

I am going to suggest a completely differfent, and far more positive, possibility, OP. May he be getting ready to propose? If he is thinking of the next step with you, a final "goodbye" to his late wife in his thoughts and actions may be bringing up this change of behaviour. A way of finally moving on by emotionally and mentally asking her "spirit" for permission to move on. Could this be what is happening?

Oh he isn't going to propose; neither of us want to be married again and, I think, he is still unsure about our relationship, as she is still very much there. He has all of 'their' stuff still in the house and all her pictures are there. Surely if he was about to propose he would have made SOME effort to make room for me? It really feels that the fact he hasn't reduced 'their' possessions that I am almost a guest in their house, rather than living there?

His stepson is in his mid-thirties and has never actually lived in that house so I don't think he has much to say about the set up of the house. TBH I haven't met him very often - again is that weird?

Regardless I don't see myself being with a man who can't put me over his long-dead wife. SOME reduction of her things should surely have happened by now?

I have suggested we sell our mutual properties and buy somewhere together, so we could start relatively fresh but "all of her things won't fit with your stuff in the house too".

This really stands out for me. And is so sad. He just isn't ready for another relationship OP. Not now and maybe not ever.

You are never going to be able to move her things to make space for you either in his house or I suspect his heart. I think you are right sadly. You have reached the end of this particular road.

I wonder if the 10 year anniversary has kicked up the dust again? Maybe moving into a new decade is a watershed moment for him?

However it seems that his grief is entrenched and grief can be very selfish and inward looking - but it sounds like you have emotionally detached or seen that the connection you want is not feasible.

He is actually indulging his own emotional state - might not even be about how amazing she was - just his own navel gazing.

The love bombing is also very self serving and manipulative - he’s noticed he has upset you but is just hoovering you back for his own needs.

Don’t take it personally. But trust your own gut and move on if you are done.

It doesn’t have to be about “her” that you separate - just that you are incompatible.