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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mums at school gate

29 replies

Cappuccino17 · 25/02/2022 14:25

I drop my son off at the school, he's my first so it is all very new to me.
In September I met a lovely mum. We became friends and she's invited me over to her house for tea. I went over and we had a good chat and opened up about a lot of things.
But she is a very busy mum who has 4 other children so she is usually in a rush and we usually meet at school pickups and have a chat.
A couple of months later my son became really good friends with another boy and because theyd come out of the school gates together me and his mum began chatting. Again another friendship was building which was great she told me to meet her for a drink or to go to her house. One weekend I wad freed up a bit so I asked her to come over with her son and have some tea. But she said she was tied down so she invited me to hers so I said OK il come over. I went over again a chat, coffee etc. I met her partner briefly too.
Now I feel that she got a bit too comfortable with me. She's began telling my son what to do. For example once after the pick up he was within sight and definitely not doing anything dangerous but he was climbing. Which I don't mind. She then said 'sons name' don't do that ul fall. I was actually gob smacked. I said to her hey its alright I'm cool with it. My son had already listened and got down. I felt quite irritated. Another time my son fell over she went running leaving her own child behind like superwoman to rescue him. I was like relax woman I'm on my way he's okay. He then came to me and i gave him a cuddle. Again it left me feeling a bit uneasy.
She's also done a few other irritating things.
But today my friend that I had met first(mum 1) and this friend (mum2) were having a chat and I thought oh great they've met. I was late and rushing so I got out of car with my son and mum 1 was really happy to see me, mum 2 didn't look my way until I was right near her and she was like hey and just continued her conversation. I rushed to the school and on the way back mum 1 and mum 2 were still chatting away. I suddenly felt like I was invading in their convo but mum 1 made me feel welcome and started telling me what they were chatting about mum 2 was a bit off but just gave some tight smiles. I felt like I had to leave so I did. I said iv got something to do. I felt very left out. As mum 2 gave me little eye contact and was just chatting to mum 1. I know they're not close as mum 1 doesn't have any time for other mums apart from the 1 time she invited me and mum 2 has referred to her as that woman so she doesn't even know her name. Anyway I ran off.
With the build of mum 2 and her behaviours I feel awful as our kids are good friends but does anyone else find this odd? And how do u deal with this? I try to avoid her but I just can't. Anyone got any advice.?

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 25/02/2022 14:30

You hardly know these women and they hardly know you - you just chat at the school gates albeit you've popped round for a cup of tea once or twice.

They have been chatting amongst themselves. So what? Mum 2 has likely picked up on your irritation of her behaviour and is keeping her distance.

Just continue smiling and chatting when and if you feel like it to either one or both of them. It doesn't matter in the slighest if the children are friends or not - I barely knew any of the mothers of my DC school friends, which was how I liked it. School gate politics can be brutal!

caranations · 25/02/2022 14:32

Smile and say hello and leave it at that. They are just people, that's all.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 25/02/2022 14:38

The climbing incident and the rushing over to pick your son up are non-issues. Just her motherly instinct kicking in - no problem. At least you know you could trust her to look after your kids without you there and know she'd actually be paying attention.

Her frostiness on the school run talking to the other mum - that could be anything but do you think you gave off passive agressive signals over the incidents you were annoyed about? Maybe she's aware you were annoyed at her and is keeping her cool now?

Either way it's still minor - just carry on as normal in a friendly manner and I'm sure it will come to nothing.

ClaudiaWankleman · 25/02/2022 14:39

It sounds like you might be part of the problem. I don't see anything wrong with her telling your DC to be careful, or making sure they're not hurt. Certainly nothing to be 'gobsmacked' or 'uneasy' about.

Dunitagain · 25/02/2022 14:43

Nothing wrong with them. She may have been on a mission to find out something from mum 1 or she may already know her etc.

Pisces89 · 25/02/2022 14:45

Omg I dread this.

KylieCharlene · 25/02/2022 15:12

Don't get too invested in the people you meet on the school run.
It's nice if you meet people you gel with but you don't have to make friends.
If your dc get along then great, exchange numbers, arrange dates for them etc but don't get too involved and don't invest too much and assume your dc will be best buddies forever either.
You sound quite jealous of others speaking to Mum 1 tbh.
Maybe Mum 1 and Mum2 were chatting arranging a playdate for their dc?
Maybe Mum2 finds you a bit intense?

Genevie82 · 25/02/2022 15:15

.. friendships with other school mums are pretty superficial simply based on generally getting along, keeping in touch about school stuff and kids friendships , that’s why they are called mum friends .. you’re investing and expecting too much stick with your real friends op! Xx

Crunched · 25/02/2022 15:22

It sounds like you and Mum2 have different parenting styles, and that is fine.
I think I thought all the other school parents would be my chums, like we were members of the same club sort of thing, but I quickly saw this was not a correct conclusion. You may find some friends, their DC may be friends with your DC, you just can't tell.
I wouldn't avoid anyone, just do the drop off, be pleasant and have no great expectations of making besties.

CrackerGal · 25/02/2022 15:24

I think the things mum 2 did were perfectly normal reactions as a mother & she didn't overstep imo!
You could be reading too much into the 2 mums conversation. I would just see how it plays out. Presuming they've both got kids in the same class too, perfectly reasonable they might get to know each other too?

Cappuccino17 · 25/02/2022 15:34

True thank you for all the advice. I am an overthinker. I think I might have expected as someone said like a Mum club. But my expectations have lowered now. Thank you guys.

OP posts:
prickferrari · 25/02/2022 15:52

Oh honey you are totally overthinking this, don't worry, it's a well trodden path! You wont end up as the village cat lady, unless you want to. After a series of 'failures to launch' at the school gate I just accepted that just because someone had a child the same age as mine didn't mean I had a found a plutonic twin flame. I think sometimes being the mum at the school gate is almost like a second round at the whole playground thing, only this time you don't have to give a stuff.

OldTinHat · 25/02/2022 15:56

Sounds harsh, but get used to it. The school gate is a nightmare of parent politics, cliques and who knows who. I was so happy when mine started at secondary!

Just smile and wave and don't get too involved past your DC's friendships. Accept and offer playdates, sure.

SunflowerTed · 25/02/2022 15:58

You sound lovely. Just chill on a few things. I do agree with you that if you were there then it’s probably your role to scoop up your child’s not mum 2 x

kookievee · 25/02/2022 16:02

How old are you? Because you're reacting like you're the school child yourself.

dopenguinsdance · 25/02/2022 16:14

Don't engage more than you have to with the school gate mums, it's a mistake to think that you're going to find a new group of bffs just because you happen to have a child in the same class or year as them. Children's allegiances to one another change all the time and you need to find people that you gel with, regardless of the relationship between your respective children. Best advice I ever got was to stay on the sidelines, be pleasant and don't make yourself too available otherwise an 'Amanda' will find you ..and use you. I never met anyone I'd class as a 'mean girl' until I encountered a whole clique of them at the school gates Grin. Avoid, avoid, avoid. and for goodness sake don't volunteer to be part of the PTA!

Cappuccino17 · 25/02/2022 18:12

It's so good to hear all this advice. Thank goodness for all you experienced mums here!

OP posts:
Understandingnotignorance · 25/02/2022 18:27

I actually think the other mum sounds lovely looking out for your child, sounds like hard work if you're gobsmacked and put out at her checking in on him.

cheeseismydownfall · 25/02/2022 19:23

Mum 1 sounds nice and normal. Mum 2 sounds a bloody nightmare. I cannot stand it when another parent tries to 'parent' one of my children when I am am standing right there and fully aware of what they are doing. Massively overstepping boundaries and extremely rude imo.

There is no need to be friends with Mum 2 just because your children are friends. It's great when it does work out that way, but far more common to just be on polite but distant terms with friends parents.

I'm summary, think your radar is telling you correctly that you mum 2 is best avoided, and mum 1 is worth gently nurturing a friendship with.

bleachedgusset · 25/02/2022 19:50

@prickferrari

Oh honey you are totally overthinking this, don't worry, it's a well trodden path! You wont end up as the village cat lady, unless you want to. After a series of 'failures to launch' at the school gate I just accepted that just because someone had a child the same age as mine didn't mean I had a found a plutonic twin flame. I think sometimes being the mum at the school gate is almost like a second round at the whole playground thing, only this time you don't have to give a stuff.
Having been doing a school run for years now, I totally agree with this!

You need to watch 'Motherland' if you haven't already seen it. Smile

HenceThus · 25/02/2022 20:15

Welcome to the school gates, it's unavoidable. People are fickle and loyalties shift with the kids friendships. Throw in a few gossipy busy bodies who love to put fellow mums down when they feel competitive with them and the only option left is to grow a very thick skin. You'll get through it with some bruises and, if you are lucky, you and your dc will come out with a small number of friends for life. Stop over analysing their behaviour, stand strong and play by your own rules that way you get respected. Do not try to fit in, it doesn't work. Ignore mum 2, she irritating but might have redeeming things about her. Go with the flow, be polite but boundaries. You can do it!

Cappuccino17 · 25/02/2022 22:20

Love hearing this support and learning plenty from it! Really helps me to do these daily runs that are becoming draining.
I know some mums don't mind people stepping in but it's great to know most mums find it rude when they're parenting a child infront of the actual parent.
Everyone is different I guess. I find it rude. If my child is climbing I don't expect another parent that iv met a couple of times to tell my child not to climb. It's really odd.
Il be backing off from mum 2. But she waits for me at the gates... il have to figure something out.
And yes Mum 1 is really lovely can feel she's genuine. Mum 2 something is a bit off my instincts tell me....

OP posts:
Lanareyrey · 25/02/2022 23:10

Welcome to the world of school gate mums! Seriously though, keep your cards close to your chest, be polite and friendly but do no get over invested in these friendships.

ClaudiaWankleman · 26/02/2022 17:20

great to know most mums find it rude

Some, not most. You still sound a bloody nightmare.

cheeseismydownfall · 26/02/2022 20:12

@ClaudiaWankleman

great to know most mums find it rude

Some, not most. You still sound a bloody nightmare.

I'm genuinely baffled by this. In the scenario described in the OP - mum 2 telling the DC that they should stop what they are doing, when the OP has clearly judged the situation and decided she was happy it - would you honestly not find this deeply weird? Mum 2 is basically implying that the OP is not parenting adequately and that her superior mothering instincts have left her with no choice but to step in. It is unbelievably rude!

Totally different to intervening in an genuine emergency, or making a quick judgement call in a situation where the parent is clearly unaware what is happening.

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