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Original poster

Is there a word for this "tactic" during an argument?

45 replies

AliceAbsolum · 25/02/2022 14:17

Do you know if there is a word for when someone fake agrees with you? Like in an argument they go "oh fine let's just go with what you say, I'm sorry, you have it your way"
But it's bullshit, they don't agree at all?

DH does this and I find it so childish and passive aggressive

Thanks wise ones

OP posts:
NobodysGonnaKnow · 25/02/2022 14:20

Passive aggressive?

Avarua · 25/02/2022 14:23

Avoidance?
Passing you off?

Avarua · 25/02/2022 14:23

(I do it with DH when he's going on and on and I just want him to shut up)

mudgetastic · 25/02/2022 14:27

Pragmatism

Original poster
AliceAbsolum · 25/02/2022 14:29

It's definitely avoidance. Like a way to avoid discussing the issue in any way. But to me it's unhelpful. Doesn't resolve anything.
Not sure it's pragmatic.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/02/2022 14:29

Yeah, it's just passive aggressive.

Having spent far too long in a relationship with a bloke who could have given masterclasses on PA, I give it complete short shrift every time. "Right, so we're in agreement?" (wait for him to say yes) "Well you might want to let your face know, cos it looks like a slapped arse."

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2022 14:32

The difference between PA and just passive is tone, timing and aftermath. Do they actually let it go? If so, it's just passive (avoidance). And that's OK in many ways.

Everything from aggressive, through cooperation to avoidance is useful depending on the situation.

GloriousGoosebumps · 25/02/2022 14:36

It is passive aggressive but what do you expect him to do? You've given your point of view, he's given his and you've not manged to reach a consensus, do you really expect him to continue to argue his point of view for the next hour? What would be the point? Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. I'm wondering if you just like the thrust of a verbal argument and he's denying you that pleasure by walking away.

Mix56 · 25/02/2022 14:41

sarcastic ? cynic ? contemptuous? saying they agree to wrap up a discussion, knowing you know they don't mean it.

DefaultParent · 25/02/2022 15:09

I do this. But I'm just passive. Past caring and arguing.

Longcovid21 · 25/02/2022 15:11

Well some solutions cannot be reached so perhaps its a way of moving forward and protecting the relationship. Do you goad him op if you're honest?

MorrisZapp · 25/02/2022 15:13

Must admit that when DP comes out with some old shite I say 'OK sure' or 'whatever' in a tone that says 'nope, but I can't be arsed having this tedious discussion for the billionth time'.

There are disagreements we're never going to resolve and I can't be fagged giving them any energy.

The caveat is that this is low level disagreement to do with household tasks and life admin. If it was deep emotional stuff then I'd probably try to actually thrash it out.

luckily DP is shallow

monsterpup · 25/02/2022 15:16

I do this with my housemate who insists on hashing things out in excruciating detail but won't change her opinion at all. So it's just deep diving into how she's right and I'm wrong, it's not productive so I just 'agree' sometimes to placate her because I can't be bothered with circle the issue

monsterpup · 25/02/2022 15:18

If you're genuinely trying to have a discussion and you're seeing his point of view etc then it sounds annoying but if you're both at a stalemate then what should he do?

Blackbird2020 · 25/02/2022 15:18

oh fine let's just go with what you say, I'm sorry, you have it your way

Saying the above doesn’t seem like a particularly healthy way of moving forwards and protecting a relationship. It’s likely just storing up grievances for the next time…

Something more healthy would be “Do you think we could agree to disagree? I’d like to end the conversation soon as I don’t feel like we’re getting anything positive out of it right now.”

But you find me a bloke who can say that during a heated discussion!

SummerInSun · 25/02/2022 15:22

Depends what you are debating. If you are discussing what to watch on TV or have for dinner - something where a definitive decision is needed - then fair enough for one person to say "ok, let's watch/eat the thing you want", and not reasonable to expect them to say "you've persuaded me I'd prefer to watch/eat what you feel like". But you'd then take turns - the other person can choose next time.

But if you are just discussing what you think/feel/believe about something, then it's not reasonable to assume you'll talk each other round. Eg if your position is that covid restrictions should continue and he thinks they shouldn't, then you may just have to agree to disagree. Would you feel better if DH said "we'll have to agree to disagree on that", if that what you think he really means? If so, tell him so. Sounds like you possibly keep trying to change his mind, and I can get why that might be really annoying for him, but equally why it's annoying for you if he is pretending to agree when he doesn't.

ineedsun · 25/02/2022 15:25

It’s a passive aggressive strategy to shut down the discussion and means they don’t actually have to address any issues.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 25/02/2022 15:25

There could be an element of 'gaslighting'. Your perception of reality is being called into question by his use of words which jar with your understanding of his underlying feelings.

Unescorted · 25/02/2022 15:40

Appealing to ridicule - the act of presenting an opponent’s view in an overly simplified way, as to make it appear ridiculous to an outside observer. It allows them to mock your position without addressing them.

DetailMouse · 25/02/2022 15:45

You mean when you haven't been able to force your viewpoint on him he decides to give up? You want to carry on arguing until he capitulates?

gamerchick · 25/02/2022 15:47

I don't think I can answer this. It depends on the argument and how much the person you're saying it to is banging on about whatever and you can't be arsed to argue anymore.

Is it deliberate to irritate or is the other person just hard work?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 25/02/2022 15:48

And possibly self-serving martyrdom?

Horological · 25/02/2022 15:49

Placating
Appeasing

Original poster
AliceAbsolum · 25/02/2022 15:53

Thanks everyone. He does it whenever we have a disagreement, early on before we can really start to resolve anything.

I dont goad him I just want to sort it out. If we dont communicate how can we resolve things!

How do you agree to disagree??

OP posts:
Doggydreaming · 25/02/2022 15:56

Is this just not conceding to anothers wish? Or just giving up on the argument to move forward with things/picking your battles?

See, I live with someone who is chronically argumentative and stubborn. We recently had someone come around to pick up some junk and disagreed whether we should pile it in our living room for collection or in the garden. He wasn't going to give in and I thought this wasn't worth arguing about anymore so I said, 'ok, let's just put it in the living room then'. This wasn't me being passive aggressive, this was me giving in/deciding a way forward when I didn't agree with his reasoning.

If you find people are using this tactic with you a lot, perhaps ask yourself if it's because you are stubborn/chronically argumentative/the type who can never agree to disagree on anything, like my other half Grin