Partner cheating

[SadGirl10661]

Well, I’m not the first nor the last but here goes.
I’ve been suspicious about my partner for the last few years. We’ve been together for 6. He angles his phone away from me, hides the screen and never leaves it in the room.
It’s been driving me insane and has led me to seek counselling for paranoia and anxiety as i doubt everything he says. When I’ve had suspicions about where he’s been, he always proves me wrong.
However, I just couldn’t shake those feelings.
Few weeks ago, I did what I’d never done before. I checked his phone. He’d told me his passcode previously.
Lo and behold.. messages to a girl he works with. Started July 2021 and ended October 2021 (as far as I can see).
They are flirty at first, mostly him, complimenting her. Then they get more serious. Telling Her he wants to kiss, touch her all time, looks at her Facebook pics constantly, always thinking about her.
She then makes it clear that she is not interested. Full stop.
The messages stop.
There are no other messages to any other girl (again, as far as I know).
However, after the inappropriate messages in October, I see he has saved her Facebook picture as recently as last month. He also messaged her last month when he was in the pub to tell her some dodgy bloke they know is in there. She cuts off that conversation quickly. He doesn’t push it. But he’s still messaged her, regardless.
Then there’s a message couple days after saying ‘hi rascal (something he calls me btw), tell the boss I’ll be 15 mins late’.
Again, that’s it. But I don’t like the fact it was recent and that he’s called her ‘rascal’.
All messages stop at this point.
I’ve confronted him. All he keeps saying is that I have invaded his privacy, essentially broken the law by accessing his phone, and is offering NO explanation. He has said it looks bad, he shouldn’t have done it, he’s sorry and has blocked her. But that’s literally it. He’s refusing to say anymore. He says nothing has happened.
He’s being super nice (guilt) since then.
I did leave him but I’m scared of starting over and scared of the unknown.
I love him and I don’t want to see him with anyone else.
We have no children, not married and we don’t own our house so I’m not really tied to him if that makes sense.
Am I being a mug? I am now constantly worried who he is texting and where he is going.
Is this pointless? I’ve said I’ve forgiven him but then have started arguments about this twice since. I can’t shake it but I know it’s still early days.
Any advice please?
Thank you

You can’t bear the thought of him with someone else, but it’s clearly a thought that he’s entertained and acted on. Throw this dud back and do better for yourself.

OP I know this won't go down well on here but I had a man begin to message me 4 months ago. He has gf and baby.

At first whenever he was flirty I would keep it friendly asking after the baby etc. I would tell him to pipe down and we'd go back to friendly chat. However I made some shitty choices and it did lead to a meet up in person.
It is over and I am 99% sure he is now playing the same game with another woman.

If this woman has rejected him he will sure as shit find another to start messaging - please leave him.

It’s so pathetic, I don’t want to leave him as I really can’t bear the thought of seeing him with someone else.

Yes I get you, I wouldn't want to inflict him on anyone else either, so carry on taking one for the team and stick with him - you're not singing a Pussycat Dolls song you know, you are better off without him.

Please please realise this man is a manipulator. Blaming you for feeling anxious and paranoid and you have confirmed what you thought was going on.
You need to leave this relationship. It’s not healthy. Leave before you have a child with this man and you will then be tied to him forever.
He’s not a decent man. He’s a liar and now proven to be.
Please don’t stay with him. You deserve so much better xxx

I hate to say this but the police will do something. They will record it. They won’t investigate or anything else but they make a record of a reported crime.

Normally I would expect this to a bit of hot air from a man who is cornered. Is he also making accusations about your behaviour towards him? He might be building a case against you should he ever have the need to use it.

Basically he is toxic and he is willing to ring that home with him.

@LemonTT

I hate to say this but the police will do something. They will record it. They won’t investigate or anything else but they make a record of a reported crime.

Normally I would expect this to a bit of hot air from a man who is cornered. Is he also making accusations about your behaviour towards him? He might be building a case against you should he ever have the need to use it.

Basically he is toxic and he is willing to ring that home with him.

What crime has been committed?

Thank you for your reply.

He has been coming out with phrases such as I’ve been ‘controlling and coercive’ in the past.
He refers to occasions where I’ve asked him to stop liking other girls pictures on Instagram as it upsets me. He says it’s controlling of me to ask this.

He also refers to a couple of occasions I’ve said I don’t want him to go out drinking because I don’t like him coming home being verbally abusive and vile to me. He says this is also controlling.

But why would he be building a case against me to go to the police? So I dump him, and he goes to the police in retaliation? What will he gain from that?

Or do you think he’s using scare tactics to make me stay?

He’s just trying to out you back in your box. I would laugh in his face at going to the police . They don’t even come out when your house is burgled! Not going to do anything about someone looking at someone else’s phone messages 😂
Please find your strength and leave. This is so sad and depressing

He can’t go to the police. For what? Asking him not to go out once? Looking at his phone when he gave you the passcode? He’s talking shit. Just leave. Why are you with him? He would be with someone else in a flash and has tried, while in a relationship with you. You are worth more. This is no way to live.

I've been in this situation OP, partner funny with phone, coming out with every excuse under the sun, me posting on Mumsnet (under different name) and countless other of the like sites in the hope that maybe one person would might say 'oh it will be fine, it's just a blip, he knows you know and he is sorry and will never do it again and you will both live happily ever after'
But I never got that comment....but still I stayed with him anyway, ignored all the brilliant advice, just the same as the advice you have been given here and I stayed....for 7 more years, had a child, got engaged....the whole time I was paranoid, anxious who he was texting. My life was a misery. 18 months ago I finally got to the point where enough was enough and left him. I have never regretted it and I have been the happiest I've been in a little long long time. By no means do I regret our beautiful son we had to which he is a good dad and we are amicable, even after finding out after we split he had other children dotted about!

You will probably do the same as I did, read this thread still waiting for what you want to hear and stay with him either way....but take it from me......you will never trust him again, you can forgive the past but it will always be in the back of your mind and every time he is on his phone you will wonder who he's texting ...when your apart you will check his WhatsApp from your phone to see how long he's spending online, you will want to sneak a peak at his phone when he's asleep and I bet you a dollar he would have changed his passcode.

And then after years of misery and you finally do separate you will come back to this thread and breath a sigh of relief your out of it and wish you had left sooner.

Good Luck OP.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Really appreciate it.

I really want to leave. I know it’ll be hard, but I know it’s the right thing to do.

He’s making a real effort, leaving his phone around and unlocked to ‘prove’ he can be trusted. However, I know it’s too little too late and it’s early days. In a few weeks I’ve no doubt the effort will stop and the phone will be back on locked, password changed, sneaky behaviour starts again.

I’ve no idea if this girl was the first, there may have been other willing participants in the last 6 years. I guess I’ll never know.

A mistake I can forgive but he has to see this girl all the time. He’ll always be thinking about her, sleazing around her. There may even come a time when she decides she is interested and he drops me like a sack of shit.
Plus all the other behaviour over the years is inexcusable- the gaslighting, emotional abuse.
As I say, a one off mistake I can maybe forgive but this is so much more.
Thank you again everyone, it’ll take a lot of strength but I hope I can do this.

Checking someone’s phone without consent, having the passcode is not consent to read messages, is an indicator of domestic abuse. It would be recorded.

@LemonTT

Checking someone’s phone without consent, having the passcode is not consent to read messages, is an indicator of domestic abuse. It would be recorded.

Is this all you can contribute ? To scare the op who’s already worried. It’s not like she’s going to get a criminal record

I think you're quite right to draw boundaries that work for you, or tell her no. But people saying she'll move into her "next target " are nasty.

Oh for God's sake. You've done nothing illegal and the police will not be interested. He knows that. He's sniping back at you because he's trying to twist things so that you are the one in the wrong not him.

I'd just dump him and move on. Woman up, OP. The other girl he works with knows he's a slime bag and she can do better which is why she made it plain she's not interested in him. If he'd had any chance with her he'd have taken it. He's pathetic and he knows it.

Let him go. You'd be better off on your own than with this loser. Laugh in his face and tell him to fuck right off.

@LemonTT an indicator of domestic abuse?? Do me a favour!!! This weasel is NEVER going to go to the police, because, if he did he would have to explain the full circumstances……I.e. my girlfriend looked on my phone and found….that he’d been well and truly told to fuck right off by a potential OW. He won’t want to be sharing that tasty bit of info with anyone! Instead, he is using the police as a threat, as yet another means of controlling his already gaslit partner. He’s a scum bag and op has nothing to worry about, other than getting rid of him….

You can do this Op. You deserve so much better than him.

All his talk about reporting you to the police is deflection.... it's rewriting the story so he's the victim and defelcting your attention away from the real issue - which is that he's a cheating, lying scumbag.

If the police were interested in any of this, it would be him stalking his work colleague, who clearly isn't interested.

They would laugh at someone who said 'I gave my gf my phone password and she used it'.

And the stuff about you controlling him - of course he wouldn't go to the police cos he knows it isn't true. And even if he did, they would quickly see he's lying.

He's just trying every trick to get you to shut up and get back in your box. He wants you to forget he's a jerk and to behave.

Above all else - I would rather risk the police knocking on my door and be free of him.

Keep strong. Keep talking here. You can do this. A much better life awaits.

@layladomino

You can do this Op. You deserve so much better than him.

All his talk about reporting you to the police is deflection.... it's rewriting the story so he's the victim and defelcting your attention away from the real issue - which is that he's a cheating, lying scumbag.

If the police were interested in any of this, it would be him stalking his work colleague, who clearly isn't interested.

They would laugh at someone who said 'I gave my gf my phone password and she used it'.

And the stuff about you controlling him - of course he wouldn't go to the police cos he knows it isn't true. And even if he did, they would quickly see he's lying.

He's just trying every trick to get you to shut up and get back in your box. He wants you to forget he's a jerk and to behave.

Above all else - I would rather risk the police knocking on my door and be free of him.

Keep strong. Keep talking here. You can do this. A much better life awaits.

You’re so right. It looks much worse for him, the pestering of the colleague, the tone of the messages, not to mention all the messages of emotional abuse I have over the years. Thank you for your reply. As with 99% of these replies, they do really help and give me confidence and hope.

Op. I’m just going to say it, you forgive this, you’re being a mug.

You’ve been having therapy for paranoia. Except you’re not paranoid are you; he IS a cheat. Or at least he’s tried. I’d say he’s infatuated with this colleague. She’s clearly not interested in him. Hasn’t deterred him though. Major cringe.

He got caught out. He didn’t fess up, you caught him.

Then instead of taking responsibility he’s tried to make you the baddie for checking his phone.

Someone else said this recently and it’s just so true, in the words of mumsnet ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’.

Walk away.

I would leave in your situation.

Honestly, you’re setting yourself up for a life of anxiety and paranoia