Partner cheating

[SadGirl10661]

Well, I’m not the first nor the last but here goes.
I’ve been suspicious about my partner for the last few years. We’ve been together for 6. He angles his phone away from me, hides the screen and never leaves it in the room.
It’s been driving me insane and has led me to seek counselling for paranoia and anxiety as i doubt everything he says. When I’ve had suspicions about where he’s been, he always proves me wrong.
However, I just couldn’t shake those feelings.
Few weeks ago, I did what I’d never done before. I checked his phone. He’d told me his passcode previously.
Lo and behold.. messages to a girl he works with. Started July 2021 and ended October 2021 (as far as I can see).
They are flirty at first, mostly him, complimenting her. Then they get more serious. Telling Her he wants to kiss, touch her all time, looks at her Facebook pics constantly, always thinking about her.
She then makes it clear that she is not interested. Full stop.
The messages stop.
There are no other messages to any other girl (again, as far as I know).
However, after the inappropriate messages in October, I see he has saved her Facebook picture as recently as last month. He also messaged her last month when he was in the pub to tell her some dodgy bloke they know is in there. She cuts off that conversation quickly. He doesn’t push it. But he’s still messaged her, regardless.
Then there’s a message couple days after saying ‘hi rascal (something he calls me btw), tell the boss I’ll be 15 mins late’.
Again, that’s it. But I don’t like the fact it was recent and that he’s called her ‘rascal’.
All messages stop at this point.
I’ve confronted him. All he keeps saying is that I have invaded his privacy, essentially broken the law by accessing his phone, and is offering NO explanation. He has said it looks bad, he shouldn’t have done it, he’s sorry and has blocked her. But that’s literally it. He’s refusing to say anymore. He says nothing has happened.
He’s being super nice (guilt) since then.
I did leave him but I’m scared of starting over and scared of the unknown.
I love him and I don’t want to see him with anyone else.
We have no children, not married and we don’t own our house so I’m not really tied to him if that makes sense.
Am I being a mug? I am now constantly worried who he is texting and where he is going.
Is this pointless? I’ve said I’ve forgiven him but then have started arguments about this twice since. I can’t shake it but I know it’s still early days.
Any advice please?
Thank you

Walk away. He is a lying shit and you will never trust him (rightly so). What's the point.

You are worth more than this.

Honestly - you've had to get counselling because of this prick's actions?! You've become mentally unwell through being with this lying arsehole?! That's awful!
Being alone is genuinely a million times better than this crap existence. You'll learn boundaries for one thing. I know that sounds harsh but I'm just gobsmacked he gets to be a vile sleazy cunt yet YOU'RE the one tormenting yourself. You can do better.

"Am I being a mug?"....in one word.....yes. This is a totally pointless exercise staying with this man. Leave and make your way in the world without this sorry specimen of a man. You have no ties...keep it that way. Now go and get some therapy for yourself to help you understand why you would accept such dreadful behaviour by your partner. You need to work on your self esteem so the bar will never be set so low when you seek out your next partner. Its always scary to start over again...but the path you might take to stay with him is a very very scary thought.

He's a creep, sorry

He's cheated and you want to make things work, your choice.
However if you do stay and can't get past his cheating, keep starting arguments etc you'll be miserable and almost certainly he'll leave as soon as he finds someone else because you, understandably, can't let it go.

So cut your losses imo. Leave.

Stop worrying. It’s a waste of your headspace.
He is a cheat. Once a cheat always a cheat.
Leave him when you feel ready.

You will never be able to trust him. You know that. You followed your gut instincts and they proved you right.
He's not just a cheater, he's playing with your mental health . He's clearly still interested in his colleague.
What more do you need to know?
You don't need him to agree, you don't need to prove anything, you can just end the relationship because it isn't working for you.

Sorry, but you are mug. He didn't do anything. He pursued another woman. He actively tried to cheat. He only wasn't shagging her because she stopped it. On top of that he used his pet name for you. Gross. You are only going to get deeper involved and have more reasons to stay. You'll spend years looking over your shoulder. This man doesn't deserve or value you. Walk away.

He watched you seek counselling knowing you weren't paranoid or anxious: you were right!! He let you think you had mh issues while knowing you were just reacting to his suspicious behaviour as he chased another woman.

To me that is less forgivable than his sleezy attempt at an affair. And we all know he'd have have had an affair if she'd be willing!

Thank you everyone for your replies.
I wish I had better self esteem.
It’s so pathetic, I don’t want to leave him as I really can’t bear the thought of seeing him with someone else.
But like you say, if this girl hasn’t turned him down, he’d have been with someone else regardless of us being together anyway!

You will be forever suspicious.

Why don't you turn it around, he's lost the best thing about him, me.

Time to organise a weekend with friends, say in, go out, drink wine, not sure how old you are but younger groups of women out their dating ap profiles via TV and scream with laugher at the pathetic profiles on there.

Your self esteem isn't going to improve when he is trying to mount all ad sundry. Work on yourself and ditch the dead weight. I pity his next gf.

@SadGirl10661

Well, I’m not the first nor the last but here goes. I’ve been suspicious about my partner for the last few years. We’ve been together for 6. He angles his phone away from me, hides the screen and never leaves it in the room. It’s been driving me insane and has led me to seek counselling for paranoia and anxiety as i doubt everything he says. When I’ve had suspicions about where he’s been, he always proves me wrong. However, I just couldn’t shake those feelings. Few weeks ago, I did what I’d never done before. I checked his phone. He’d told me his passcode previously. Lo and behold.. messages to a girl he works with. Started July 2021 and ended October 2021 (as far as I can see). They are flirty at first, mostly him, complimenting her. Then they get more serious. Telling Her he wants to kiss, touch her all time, looks at her Facebook pics constantly, always thinking about her. She then makes it clear that she is not interested. Full stop. The messages stop. There are no other messages to any other girl (again, as far as I know). However, after the inappropriate messages in October, I see he has saved her Facebook picture as recently as last month. He also messaged her last month when he was in the pub to tell her some dodgy bloke they know is in there. She cuts off that conversation quickly. He doesn’t push it. But he’s still messaged her, regardless. Then there’s a message couple days after saying ‘hi rascal (something he calls me btw), tell the boss I’ll be 15 mins late’. Again, that’s it. But I don’t like the fact it was recent and that he’s called her ‘rascal’. All messages stop at this point. I’ve confronted him. All he keeps saying is that I have invaded his privacy, essentially broken the law by accessing his phone, and is offering NO explanation. He has said it looks bad, he shouldn’t have done it, he’s sorry and has blocked her. But that’s literally it. He’s refusing to say anymore. He says nothing has happened. He’s being super nice (guilt) since then. I did leave him but I’m scared of starting over and scared of the unknown. I love him and I don’t want to see him with anyone else. We have no children, not married and we don’t own our house so I’m not really tied to him if that makes sense. Am I being a mug? I am now constantly worried who he is texting and where he is going. Is this pointless? I’ve said I’ve forgiven him but then have started arguments about this twice since. I can’t shake it but I know it’s still early days. Any advice please? Thank you

Guys, just one more thing, sorry.

He keeps saying that I’m lucky he doesn’t report me to the police for accessing his phone without permission. (Even though he’d told me his passcode??)

And for all the ‘abuse’ I’ve given him, and ‘attacking’ him. The abuse he speaks of is verbal abuse since the cheating, and verbally attacking him since the cheating.

Where do I stand on this? Can the police do anything about this? Am I in trouble or is he trying to scare me?

He only didn’t cheat physically because she cut him off.

The intent was there.

He has made you doubt yourself to the extent it has impacted on your mental health.

When confronted, he gaslit you until he could lie no more.

The best thing you could do for your future self is leave him. It really is. You deserve to be happy and you will never open the door to a new life until you close this one.

I bet this isn’t the only way he treats you like shit is it? What else does he do?

And no he can’t report you to the police, who does he think he is?

They’d laugh in his face.

He's trying to turn it so you are the 'guilty' one OP, it's called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) and it's recognised abusive behaviour. No you haven't broken the law by accessing a device the owner gave you the passcode for and no, having a go at him for cheating doesn't constitute abuse and the police would do nothing if he tried to report it.

I hope that clarifies things in your mind a little, not only has he cheated, lied and driven you to counselling in the process, he is now trying to screw with your head even further by making you the 'bad guy'. Please see him for what he is (an abusive cheat who can't even take responsibility for his own actions) and walk away, the next women he's with deserves your pity, not your envy

Go, go, GO!

Nobody has ever been arrested for accessing their partners phone! happens all the time and the police would just laugh, plus he gave you the passcode anyway lol!

Empty threats from a pathetic man, he knows hes been caught out and is turning it around onto you!

OP,

This is your life on a loop if you stay.

6 years of lying and dishonesty and you want more?

He's a moron telling you that you accessing his phone is a police matter.

Find some self respect because you have signed up to a life of utter misery.

He will be gone the first time he finds some other mug.

Sounds like he is a creep and he gets knocked back from women who can see what a sleaze he is.

Dump.

I’m so sorry you’ve discovered this. I had something similar a couple of years ago and it honestly floored me. My partner had been texting somebody else and sending flirty messages, kissy emojis, saying he wanted to move to New Zealand with her (which had been OUR dream)… at first I saw a suspicious message flash up and when I confronted him about it he said I can’t believe you don’t trust me, this is awful, I am not interested in anyone else other than you, etc etc. but I couldn’t shake the feeling so I checked his phone one night and bam! So many messages. I was heartbroken. Still am, I’m tearing up typing this. I left him and then we got back together, and limped on for a year or so. But I never got over it. I know you love him and I really, really loved my one too. But with mine it was a symptom of something bigger, an inability to commit, or some sort of grass-is-always-greener syndrome. I will never get over what happened, and I’m still not over him, but I do think it had to end. I’m sending you love and support because I think you know what you have to do xx

Don’t be scared of starting over and the “unknown”!! Be scared to spend your life with a CREEP!! Please leave this loser ASAP!!

I would never stay with someone who liked to constantly secretly flirt with, and clearly wants more from other women.

Bin him.

He is a gigantic wanker! How bloody DARE he threaten you with the police, just because you've caught him in the act!! I am sure the police will have no interest, particularly since he gave you his passcode. This is absolutely classic deflection, his desperation to take the focus of his own shitty behaviour is totally obvious. I am actually a big believer in forgiveness and that fact that we all make mistakes, but his behaviour here shows absolutely no remorse. He is not sorry, so on that basis, I would show him the door. Immediately.

The police won't do anything.
Another vote for leaving him.

If you stay this will be your life.

He will disrespect you and text and probably sleep with other women.

You have no children, no ties, FGS leave