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Original poster

Your advice please

45 replies

Kleppy10 · 25/02/2022 09:03

Ive been with my bf for 3.5 years and lived with him for just over a year. We live in his house with a small mortgage that he doesnt want me to contribute to for obvious reasons. He has 2 children 1 teen and one young adult, the adult lives with us and i have a young adult son who lives with us. I pay half of the bills and buy all of the food. I also do all of the household chores with little help. His child doesnt contribute financially, mine does.

My concern is this. He's made it very clear that we will never marry. His will currently states that should he die the house is to be sold and split beteeen his kids. He has two executors a family member and a friend.
I have no issue with his kids getting everything, he worked for years to get what he has and its all his. I would never take a penny even if we did marry.

What I am concerned about is that if he does die (which I'm hoping he doesn't!) me and my son would be homeless and I would have to let 2 other people come into the house to sort his property and finances. He says I'm his partner for life but I feel very insecure, he could kick us out any time he likes. I have no rights.

I've spoken to him about his will, to change it so we can't just be thrown out with no notice and to make me an executor. He refuses to change it. He says I would have to ask the executors not to sell and let us stay however I would be responsible for all of the running costs if they agreed not his kids.

I have no property or savings due to my divorce so have no will myself. Life insurance would go to my son as its all i have to leave him.

I feel this situaton is very unfair. I don't want anything other than a bit of security. I'm not his partner in reality am I?

Like I say I dont want to be left anything, just to be acknowledged as his partner should anything happen.

I would appreciate your comments please

OP posts:
Thisisyourvaginatalking · 25/02/2022 09:26

Honestly, if that's how he feels, you should probably look at getting your own place. Could you claim uc or work and get a small flat to rent?

Thisisyourvaginatalking · 25/02/2022 09:28

I don't think he's wrong for not wanting to get married and wanting to protect his asset but you should be looking after you and your son by finding somewhere else to live.

CamsPaisleyCuffs · 25/02/2022 09:31

You must have been paying rent/mortgage before you moved in with him? Why can't you continue putting that money aside as savings? At least you'd have enough money for a rental deposit/furniture if you got turfed out. Never rely on another person to keep a roof over your head, you need a back up plan. I completely understand his position.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2022 09:31

I would move out and end the relationship. You have no rights at all here and you have no security.

Cocomarine · 25/02/2022 09:34

I’m on my second marriage, both have children from a previous marriage.
My house and all my non-pension assets are willed to my children, not a single penny to my husband - although he’ll do rather well from getting 50% of my pension.
He’s fully aware of this.

However, my will (properly drawn up with a solicitor) gives him the right to remain in my house for one year before my children could force a sale.

If your boyfriend won’t even given you that - tell me why you wouldn’t end it now?

That’s how little he cares about you.

I’m actually not being flippant when I say you should consider your relationship anyway, based on that little bit about him not pulling his weight with the housework.

Move out.

Or, if it’s financially beneficial to you to stay, use that favourable position to save for when you do split up, or he dies.

ohhooh · 25/02/2022 09:35

Did you pay rent / mortgage previously? Is this money still available to set to one side?

Tbh I'm on his wavelength with this, his concern is providing security for his DC - who should be his priority. If he did unfortunately pass, then the executors being his family and friend makes sense, and he'd want to make sure his DC weren't going to be disadvantaged.

You need to have savings to be ready for this situation, I don't imagine you'd be kicked out to the wind in a week if he died, but you probably should have some sort of fund incase.

I don't think after 3.5 years it's appropriate for you to become an executor when you're doing it in your own interests (for you and your son) rather than in his.

TedMullins · 25/02/2022 09:39

Yeah sorry but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. I own my flat and I’m single (dating someone for a short time but nowhere near moving in) and I wouldn’t want them to have any interest in my flat either, especially if I had kids to house. If you’re not paying towards the mortgage - and I agree you shouldn’t be) then put this money aside for a rent/buying deposit should the worst happen. He’s looking after his interests, you need to look after yours.

DenholmElliot · 25/02/2022 09:40

You need to put a plan in place now for when that happens. Start saving so that you will be able to immediately pay 6 months rent upfront if you have too. You will feel a bit better and more in control if you have an emergency lump sum to fall back on.

Alternatively? Could you buy your own place?

Georgeskitchen · 25/02/2022 09:42

I totally understand he wants security for his kids future
. What about your security? You're paying half the household bills and all the food bill and I assume you're in a sexual relationship? He's treating you like nothing more than a tenant with extra benefits for himself only.
Doesn't sound like much of a catch to me!!

Cocomarine · 25/02/2022 09:48

Searched your name, I remember you now. Princess Klingon.

You know that these are all your choices, right? You are in your 50s, you are old enough to know better.

If you save money by living there, then it’s your choice to make that pact with the devil for cash, but you need to save that cash for when the situation changes.

Except you’re not saving any money are you, because you’re going into your overdraft, and your teenage son is paying rent to this man from his DLA.

WAKE UP

It absolutely fine that this man doesn’t want to leave anything to his short term girlfriend.

So what are you going to do? These are your choices.

Orgasmagorical · 25/02/2022 09:48

He says I'm his partner for life

Words are easy, his actions show you what he really thinks, it's no wonder you feel insecure.

In your shoes I would start making plans for your future. Stay in the relationship if you get anything from it but do not rely on him for security.

Itwasntmeright · 25/02/2022 10:30

OK OP, let’s do a cost benefit analysis of this relationship.

He gets;

a reduction in his food costs for himself and presumably his adult child of 100%

A free live in housekeeper

A live in lover who he can kick out whenever he chooses

His house, which will pass to his children when he goes.

At the cost of:

his mortgage

Half of the household bills, which may be the same amount as he was paying before but also may be slightly lower as you only pay one standing charge for energy and things like the heat will be on at various times anyway.

You get:

a roof over your head for as long as he is happy and it benefits him for you to live there.

At the cost of:

probably the same amount as you would be paying in bills if you lived alone, although it might be slightly more as larger houses are more expensive to heat than small ones

The cost of food for four adults, twice as much as you’d pay if you lived just with your son

House work for four adults in a larger house than you would have to maintain if you had your own

no housing security whatsoever as you could be evicted at any time.

Forget about the wil op, that’s a red herring. Who’s to even say your relationship will last until he dies? You are being screwed over here, this relationship is massively unbalanced.

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 25/02/2022 10:41

Cracking response. Thank you.

Thank you to everyone who's replied. Mixed responses, all fair in their own right and individual point of view

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 25/02/2022 10:44

I’d forgotten that your son pays him rent, so you can offset that against his contribution to the bills, if it doesn’t completely cancel them out.

OP this man does not see you as an equal part of this relationship.

Cocomarine · 25/02/2022 10:47

“Mixed response”?
Every response has said that you need to be protecting yourself.
So - are you?

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 25/02/2022 10:51

Yes I'm saving to get out

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 25/02/2022 10:53

Fuck sake, leave him. You and yours need a place to live that you can rely on. Putting your money into supporting him when he doesn't give a fuck about your future security is a fool's game. Stop being the fool.

Cocomarine · 25/02/2022 10:54

@Kleppy10

Yes I'm saving to get out
If you’re saving to get out, why do you need advice on a long term matter about being executor to his will?

What’s stopping you from moving out now?

timewillhealabrokenheart · 25/02/2022 10:56

What was your housing situation before you met?

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 25/02/2022 11:00

Because I love him and I'm ever the optimist that things will change and I won't need to. But deep down I know what I need yo do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kleppy10 · 25/02/2022 11:03

I rented before but received maintence and ctc. That stopped when my son turned 20 so was going to have to ask the counci fo. r housing. Bf asked me to move in with him instead

OP posts:
wingscrow · 25/02/2022 11:03

He is perfectly entitled to want his inheritance to go to his kids and the house to be sold.

From his point of view there is no guarantee that your relationship will last and you are not paying anything towards the mortgage.

At least he is being honest with you and giving you a chance to plan.

If you are working and you don't have to pay rent you can start saving every month for your future.

I just read the 'I am saving to get out'...

Do you mean you don't see this relationship as a long term one? you will only love him if he can provides a good financial arrangement for you and your son?

In which case for goodness sake why would you expect him to marry you or put you on his will?

The man is doing the right thing to protect his family I would say because your behaviour comes across as a little bit too interested in feathering your own nest..

Original poster
Kleppy10 · 25/02/2022 11:07

As i said before i dont want the house or money, even if we were married. Just the security of not being thrown out and acceptance of being his partner.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 25/02/2022 11:10

being optimistic doesnt help in this situation, be realistic.
he is using you.

Cocomarine · 25/02/2022 11:11

@Kleppy10

Because I love him and I'm ever the optimist that things will change and I won't need to. But deep down I know what I need yo do.
I don’t think you are optimistic. An optimist wouldn’t worry that their boyfriend’s 2 kids wouldn’t turf them out the day he died.

Don’t dress it up as optimism. It’s fear, and fear is really understandable. Right now, despite him treating you badly, despite him taking your son’s DLA (PIP?) off him and making a profit from that since you moved in, it’s still less scary for you to be in this house than strike out on your own again,

So you need to stop dressing it up as optimism and start working on the fear. Go talk to CAB, knowledge is a good antidote to fear. Get a full benefits check again. Find out the waiting list on your housing list.

If you decide that financially you’re better off staying out, that’s your decision. But don’t waste your breath on trying to be his executor. Put your breath into a fair day to day agreement. Like: if his adult daughter doesn’t pay rent, neither does your adult son.

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