How long to wait?

[Jumpking]

I've been seeing a really lovely guy for the last 6 months. We've been friends for years.

I struggle because I only see him one evening a week for 3 hours. We have about 1 whole day together every 2 months on top of this. Between times, we only text, not call or Zoom. This is all due to the time he looks after his 12 yr old son.

Occasionally we'll arrange something extra, but it rarely goes ahead as his ex tells him he's having his son unexpectedly cos she says so, or his son asks to come back to his early. Tonight is the second time I've been blown out this week as his ex didn't want to collect son midweek, and son asked to be with dad this weekend.

Dad doesn't want to let son down. Dad has always struggled to say no for all the years I've known him. Dad hasn't yet told son about me. Dad doesn't want to leave son home alone.

All his decisions, which he's been upfront about. I'm keeping out of the lack of equality with the childcare.

When we're together, we click so well. I see him being long term in my life. He's said he maybe thinks the same, but in his head he has to resolve the son issue before he's willing to commit to me.

Right now, I'm hacked off that yet another date has been cancelled this week. And I'm in "how long is he worth waiting for?" mode. Logical me in the morning will probably say "at least a year while the son grows up and finds out about me. And he's a fab dad. The lad needs someone who is always there for him, unlike his mum" Quite rightly, I'll remind myself that I'll never take precedence over his son. But right now, I'm not happy being treated this way.

How long would you wait?

OP Why hasn't he told his son about you?

No longer.

I’d actually give him a bit more time if I really liked him.

The son will get to a point where he’s less needy (I don’t mean that pejoratively) and wants to spend more time with mates, and where he’s fine home alone too.

So, I’d put up with this timetable for a while. However, I wouldn’t be happy with being kept secret for much longer. I’d question his commitment in that case.

He's said he maybe thinks the same, but in his head he has to resolve the son issue before he's willing to commit to me.

He doesn't seem certain about the relationship right now, he hasn't got a routine on which days he has his son and after 6 months he should be making more time for you by now, or having a plan for you to meet his son.
Not sure I would got to 6 months of putting up with 3 hours a week and having that chopped and changed, doesn't seem fair. You're not happy about it so talk to him.

I haven't asked why he hasn't told his son about me. If he did, I could go round more often.

Knowing him like I do, it'll probably be because he's trying to protect him and not let his son think there may be other priorities in his dad's life.

My pop psychology thinks it's all to do with the split. He and his ex had 4 years slowly growing apart. I think partner transferred all his love into his son and does everything he can to protect him from potentially getting hurt.

@Jumpking

I haven't asked why he hasn't told his son about me. If he did, I could go round more often.

Knowing him like I do, it'll probably be because he's trying to protect him and not let his son think there may be other priorities in his dad's life.

My pop psychology thinks it's all to do with the split. He and his ex had 4 years slowly growing apart. I think partner transferred all his love into his son and does everything he can to protect him from potentially getting hurt.

It's only six months. His son has been around a lot longer. If you are feeling unhappy then maybe you should have that conversation with him ? I think he will probably tell you his son is his priority, but if he doesn't know how you feel he won't want to change things if they work for him and his son?

Dad doesn't want to leave son home alone.

He's 12. Of course he shouldn't be leaving him home alone. Are you actually expecting him to leave him alone, If you are, YABU.

6 months is nothing when he has a child. It's not nice that you get cancelled on but his son absolutely comes first. You know that too. You have to decide if this man is worth the wait. And be prepared that it could be years rather than months. Ultimately you're never going to be his number one priority. Can you live with that? It's a huge sacrifice. Do you know this man well enough to make the decision? It sounds too soon for that? If you're already fed up after 6 months, it may be that this man isn't for you.

@iwishu

He's said he maybe thinks the same, but in his head he has to resolve the son issue before he's willing to commit to me.

He doesn't seem certain about the relationship right now, he hasn't got a routine on which days he has his son and after 6 months he should be making more time for you by now, or having a plan for you to meet his son.
Not sure I would got to 6 months of putting up with 3 hours a week and having that chopped and changed, doesn't seem fair. You're not happy about it so talk to him.

In his brain, he can't have a relationship while he's got his son so much. He needs to resolve one before committing to the other. He can't yet see that both could work in tandem quite happily.

The childcare arrangement has been this way since he and his ex split over 2 years ago. The 4 years leading up to the split, I saw him taking on more and more of the childcare and ex pulling away. So he's had 6 years of putting his son first and revolving his life around him, without having to consider a partner in this too. I think he's very set in his ways and can't work out how life works with a girl in it.

He's making more time for me now. He's now rescheduling another 3 hours in the week when he has to cancel last minute. Didn't start off that way. When he cancelled, I used to see him once a fortnight, once every 3 weeks back at the start. This is progress!

No point talking to him about how I'm feeling, as I know what he'll say. He's been upfront from day 1. If I tell him how I'm feeling, he'll rightly point out that I know what I signed up to. He has occasions where he feels bad about it all, like when we had a lovely day planned, and an hour into our day, his ex messages to say his son is coming back in an hour. He felt awful and was very apologetic towards me. I pointed out that maybe he could say no and explain he was already doing something, and his response was that he couldn't do that to his boy.

He's made massive progress on "us" since last summer... It's just at a snails pace! And I like him enough to have gone at this pace so far and hold out for him, but how much longer should I wait?

"Dad doesn't want to leave son home alone.

He's 12. Of course he shouldn't be leaving him home alone. Are you actually expecting him to leave him alone, If you are, YABU."

I had no problem leaving either of my children alone in the house for a couple of hours during the day at that age. Enough time for us to have a stroll or a coffee.

His son is also a latchkey kid 1 day a week, so will be home alone about 45 mins each side of his school day.

What are you waiting for? You know what his priorities are. I would relax a bit and do your own thing a bit more, see friends etc and not focus on this so much. If he is what you want, then cut him some slack as he must be feeling frustrated too and that can't be nice when he has to put his son first

He sounds like a good Dad. Whereas you're starting to sound a little selfish...

It's entirely up to you how long, or not, you're prepared to wait. I'm assuming you don't have your own children, otherwise you'd probably juggling your own. I'd be inclined to move on, this man is (rightly so) committed to his son, and doesn't see a relationship as an additional commitment.

I would feel I needed consideration, and it doesn't sound like he's doing that.

How often does he actually have his son?
How many full days and how many nights?

When we're together, we click so well. I see him being long term in my life. He's said he maybe thinks the same, but in his head he has to resolve the son issue before he's willing to commit to me.

His son is his priority, rightly so, and I don't think you really get it. His son wins, every time, hands down. This man doesn't have much room for you in his life right now, so if that doesn't work for you, you need to end it.

I think I would move on. Is this relationship really what you want?

Bunty55- I'm waiting for him to get to the point where he recognises that being the great dad that he is doesn't need to be mutually exclusive with him enjoying himself and getting on with his own life too. I have been getting on with my life with my kids and no dad on the scene. I've seen several friends do it. He just seems stuck.

Hundredmilesanhour - ah, you're one of those "helpful" MN people. Move along.

Lothermand-yes, I'm juggling my kids too. It's why I'm hacked off about the second cancellation. I made plans for my two because of our plans. I turned down going out with 2 other friends on the same evening, as I already had plans with him. Other friends now are going out with other people. So my kids have plans and I no longer do. Consideration is a great word to use in this situation. We talked last year when he was being disrespectful towards me. He hadn't seen it himself. He apologised and we've moved on.

User1481.. - the arrangement should be that he has him 4 full days and nights week A (Wed-Sun lunch), 3 week B (Wed-Sat lunch).The reality is that he has him Tuesday after school until Sunday evening about 5 weeks in 6. And the changes are always last minute.

Aqua- I know what I signed up for. I agree he doesn't have room right now, but as his son gets older, he will. It's just a big risk. Is this wait worth it to me to maybe get the prize? Like I said, I've known him years. We click. Everyone saw "us" coming for ages before we got together. He's a fab guy. The way he puts his son first is one of many things I like about him.

Bogeyes-he's what I want. And he would say the same about me. But he wants his son to be happy more than himself. One of many reasons I like him.

Two years might still feel quite "soon" after their split and perhaps he feels it's necessary to demonstrate to his son that his dad is there for him. I know my daughter settled down a lot more a couple of years after splitting.

Plus with his son's age, I don't think you'll have to wait much longer before he naturally needs a little less from his dad.

Six months isn't that long into a relationship IMO but of course everyone is different.

If it's really hacking you off so much, maybe it's not the right relationship. But finding someone you click with is pretty rare and might be worth exercising some patience for.

Though not if he's disrespectful to you. Don't know what that's about.

He's not ready for a full relationship.

Have you been to his house?

Its fine to keep dating but I wouldn't think putting all your eggs in one basket for this man would be wise.

He's also subject to his ex's whims in terms of childcare - no formal arrangement she can change plans as and when she pleases which then means he can't see and be with you. Yet you seem able to arrange childcare for your DCs.

Why no formal arrangement?
& Is he not close with his parents/family/siblings does his son not ever stay over with them?

Its 6 years until his son is 18 so good luck with the long haul

I think it's incredibly unfair on you to be treated like this. If I was in your shoes I'd look elsewhere OP - unless you want to wait years for something more than you have now. It doesn't sound much fun for you at all.

I

I think you're wasting your time.
If he wanted to, he would.

3 hours a week or fortnight sounds like he comes over to be fed and have sex.

You deserve better than this.

CousinKrispy-Thank you for sharing about your daughter. That's helpful. He knows his son best. I do think a lot of it is to do with how he and ex split and how his sole identity in life changed to "Be dad and only dad" We've already chatted about how son will naturally outgrow dad in the next few years. He finds this idea hard. Which I can't identify with, as I loved watched mine turn from tweens into teens. No sense of loss for me, but a sense of "look at the wonderful people they're becoming".

The click is worth waiting for, I agree, but it's the how long I'm wondering on? Being cancelled on twice in the same week means I'm in hacked off mode right now. Disrespectful-his communication sucked and left me waiting on him for hours a couple of times. His communication is still not great, but it's better.

DeeCeeCherry- I've been to his house several times. I can't contemplate seeing others. I want him. He'd be gutted if I did. As I would be if he saw someone else.

I can arrange childcare as mine are that bit older and plus I have family and friends where we always shared this out as the kids grew. His family are 200 miles away. He doesn't like to ask the one friend who has his son more than occasionally. Even though his ex will often just tell him Friday night that she's away for the weekend. Once he had to cancel his lads weekend away because she did that. So he sadly doesn't arrange anything like that anymore.

SusieSusieSoo-would you wait 3-5 years for something fantastic that could last 25 years+? It's the gamble.

@RantyAunty

I think you're wasting your time. If he wanted to, he would.

3 hours a week or fortnight sounds like he comes over to be fed and have sex.

You deserve better than this.

He's already eaten with his son 😂

He wants to. But he can't see how he can make me and son work in tandem. And he's a very closed book, so won't bash it out with a mate.

The only friend of his I've met is REALLY not that sort of friend to him!

Even though his ex will often just tell him Friday night that she's away for the weekend. Once he had to cancel his lads weekend away because she did that. So he sadly doesn't arrange anything like that anymore

He is dependent upon her whims. I dont get why there's no formal arrangement. He cant have a full relationship with you, this being the case. Has he/is he even trying to sort this?

Either way there's no space in his life for you beyond casual and minimal.

Years of company and sex 3 hours or so per week or fortnight doesnt seem worth it. Quite lonely sounding.

You're not really in a relationship with someone you see for 3 hours a week.

Surely at 12 the ds could manage his df having a friend at least? You are being fobbed off op.
He just isn't that into you.
I imagine if his ex found out he would dump you anyway...