How long to wait?

[Jumpking]

I've been seeing a really lovely guy for the last 6 months. We've been friends for years.

I struggle because I only see him one evening a week for 3 hours. We have about 1 whole day together every 2 months on top of this. Between times, we only text, not call or Zoom. This is all due to the time he looks after his 12 yr old son.

Occasionally we'll arrange something extra, but it rarely goes ahead as his ex tells him he's having his son unexpectedly cos she says so, or his son asks to come back to his early. Tonight is the second time I've been blown out this week as his ex didn't want to collect son midweek, and son asked to be with dad this weekend.

Dad doesn't want to let son down. Dad has always struggled to say no for all the years I've known him. Dad hasn't yet told son about me. Dad doesn't want to leave son home alone.

All his decisions, which he's been upfront about. I'm keeping out of the lack of equality with the childcare.

When we're together, we click so well. I see him being long term in my life. He's said he maybe thinks the same, but in his head he has to resolve the son issue before he's willing to commit to me.

Right now, I'm hacked off that yet another date has been cancelled this week. And I'm in "how long is he worth waiting for?" mode. Logical me in the morning will probably say "at least a year while the son grows up and finds out about me. And he's a fab dad. The lad needs someone who is always there for him, unlike his mum" Quite rightly, I'll remind myself that I'll never take precedence over his son. But right now, I'm not happy being treated this way.

How long would you wait?

There is a formal arrangement. It's just his Ex rides roughshot all over it. He loves his son too much to put his son in the middle of it. If ex doesn't come collect her boy, what is he supposed to do? It's not worth going to court over for the few years left of childhood.

You're right that there's no space in his life for me now. I knew that from day one.

It's 3 hours now. Once he's comfortable with son knowing we're together, that's likely to increase. I've known son for years, he's a great kid, so getting to know him isn't an issue. But that's in the future. Hence wondering how long I should wait.

@Clymene

You're not really in a relationship with someone you see for 3 hours a week.

I agree.

I never said we're in a relationship.

I think you have given it long enough. If he really wanted to see you more, I think he would have found a way to increase it from three hours a week.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely at 12 the ds could manage his df having a friend at least? You are being fobbed off op. He just isn't that into you. I imagine if his ex found out he would dump you anyway...

I agree that a 12 yr old should be able to manage. But he clearly doesn't think his son could yet. Hence the helpful earlier post from another parent.

I'm not being fobbed off at all. He just can't see a solution now.

And he's been into me for years. I just didn't know it then. He's told me how he never thought we'd get to this point. I don't quite know what point he's referring to!

User1481.. - the arrangement should be that he has him 4 full days and nights week A (Wed-Sun lunch), 3 week B (Wed-Sat lunch).The reality is that he has him Tuesday after school until Sunday evening about 5 weeks in 6. And the changes are always last minute.

Ok so he gets 2 nights a week free.

There's many single mothers out there who get less of a break, EOW and still would see their boyfriends more than 3 hours in the week!

The thing is if they had that arrangement and the man was the one who cut it down to only taking the child 2 nights a week then most people would be ok with that! but in this because it's the father he gets painted as a saint and her the villian!!

Why doesn't he just plan for the 2 nights he has off instead of letting his plans be ruined when he knows he will more than likely have his son anyway.

He could at least tell his son in advance if he's going to be doing something, "I'll call you in the morning, i'm off out with friends" and then his son won't ask to come back and he won't have to say no to him and he'd be able to stick to the plans with you. Does he want his son to think he is just at home constantly waiting for him?

Also why no phone calls during the week? Surely he could find time to make a call? 12 year olds aren't glued to their parents the whole time, and they go to sleep earlier.

I'm not being fobbed off at all. He just can't see a solution now.

It really is coming across that you are being fobbed off.
He could make it clear he has plans, it doesn't need to be in a fobbing his son off kind of way, he's just choosing not to do it.

You said there was an issue previously where he was being disrespectful, he apologised but what has changed really? He's still not showing you the consideration, allowing you to make plans, turning down others, then leaving you waiting for hours with a lack of communication. You said things have improved, communication is better but not great, he's made massive progress on "us" since last summer but it's at a snails pace.

This all just sounds like he's throwing you breadcrumbs.

Not seeing a solution makes it sound like he's dealing with circumstances that are extremely difficult or nearly impossible, but as I said millions of other parents (mostly women) deal with the same or harder arrangements and finding a way.

It's coming across as martyr-ish

168 hours in a week.
He allocates 3 to you.
Wow op.
Is that all you value your worth at?

It doesn 't sound very plausible, are you sure he' s not seeing other women and using son as an excuse ?

I think how you see this and how it really is are 2 different things.
His actions say everything

You see it as a potential long term relationship. He sees you as someone nice to have sex with and go back to his real life.
You mention knowing him for years but that familiarity doesn't necessarily transfer to intimate relationships.
You're still a secret. Nobody knows about you.
His son is 12. Doesn't he have friends he hangs out with?
No phone calls or facetime during the week. Only text.

Does he have social media?

It really does sound like he's seeing someone else.
I wouldn't be blindly believing everything he tells you.

Why don't you facetime him or ring him up in the evening?
Or drive by his place in the evening and see who is actually there?

Are you sure he isn’t still married/with the mother of his child ?

I’ve heard of different custody arrangements but that’s an odd one …

Silly question really “are you sure he isn’t married” you obviously think he’s single but have you met anyone else from his life? Friends, family? Have you been out together anywhere public?

I wouldnt be down for this. Last minute childcare cancellations because of work or emergency are one thing. But because the other parent just 'decides'. No no. This is not a good boundaried co parenting relationship. It might work well for them when noone else is involved but you have your own kids. Your own time. Your own job. Suddenly cancelling on you for 'reasons' is not respectful. The fact is if its his choice to live like this he doesnt have the space for a relationship. Children can wait an hour. Exes can be told 'i would prefer a days notice barring an emergency'. Its not rocket science

I think the problem is the ex tbh. He needs to say no ossasionally, especially if you have something special planned, he has a life too and so do you! The son is 12 and also needs to know adults can't just drop everything at their whim. As for you - if you love him, hang on in there a while longer. He sound nice but needs to toughen up a bit and also let his hair down and have some fun, its his life slipping away too! My gut feeling is that this will change every few weeks and things will become more relaxed over time.

I'd give it more time if I were you, based on personal experience. A year ago I was in a somewhat similar situation, in that the man and I had known each other a long time and knew each other's kids, but they didn't know we were seeing each other. We saw each other about once a week then, just for sex and company really. We were both recovering from marriages ending, similar timescale to your man, his more recently than mine, both wary. We've grown a lot closer since and it's all happened gradually and naturally. We now see each other a lot more, spend at least one or two nights together each week, have been away together for holidays and many weekends, and often socialise as a couple. It is clear that things have developed naturally and unfolded as they should. But... We still haven't told our kids, nearly 18 months in.

The fact that we knew each other first seems to make telling them more complicated, and I wonder if this is the case for you, OP.. It's not just a case of introducing kids to a new girlfriend, as my ex did with our kids. I think if it's an existing friend, kids might assume it's definitely going to be permanent. They have more to lose if it goes wrong, in a way. It adds pressure on you both.

If I'd posted on MN about this a year ago, I expect many people would have said to leave it, that it would never develop etc, and I understand why. But I'm very glad I allowed myself to be vulnerable and allowed us both time to recover and to see what happened, because right now it's something very good.

If you're not in a rush to find someone else, how about setting yourself a review date in the future where you'll step back and assess what progress there has been, and if things are working for you?

Is it because you are feeling that it's not actually his son that he is putting first, but his ex, by agreeing to the last minute demands?

My BF of 2 years is also subjected to similar occasionally from his ex, she asks him and if he says no she tells their DD "Daddy doesn't want to see you on Saturday because he'd rather spend time with Cam". It's shit. He's going to upset someone whichever option he chooses. He couldn't give a toss about the ex but I know he feels torn about letting either me or his DD down. As the adult I've chosen to stick with it but we see each other 2/3 times a week so that does make a difference. If we have immovable plans he always tells the ex to make other arrangements, but if he can possibly have his DD he will and we do a different night.

I recall you giving him a thoughtful Christmas gift and he gave you nothing.

He spent Christmas with his son and ex.

You really do deserve better than wasting your time on him.

He's seeing someone else/He's still married 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 He can't lie to save his life! I've been in his home several times... Definitely no wife signs. And drive past his house to see who's there? Wow 🥺. Someone must have pulled a number on whoever suggested that very sad act.

We've been together in public in several places. He's taken me in his local, where he's known to many. We've chatted with his neighbour on the drive and he was comfortable during and after the conversation. I've met one of his close friends + wife. They said how lovely it was to finally meet his girlfriend (their word) and how wonderful it was to see their friend so happy after such a long time.

Frosted fruit- you're very right in your final sentence. Things are changing every few weeks between us for the better and I hope will continue to do so. I agree too that he needs to say no occasionally and help his son learn that people can't drop everything for someone else's whim. We messaged around the latter when he cancelled and was very open to the conversation.

Divorcedanddelighted-thank you for sharing your story. I hadn't considered the impact the prior friendship may have in this. And how very dare you not have told your kids after nearly 18 months! You must have read this thread with a giggle. I don't know if either of you had similar childcare/ex/inability to say no issues in the mix, but it's good to hear that things are working out for you both. I set myself a review point Dec and reflected on the progress we've made toward each other. I'll set another review point... Great suggestion. Thank you.

As expected, now that time has passed since he cancelled, I'm more me in reflecting on it as the annoyance has subsided. I'll be talking to him about it when I see him next.

There is a formal arrangement. It's just his Ex rides roughshot all over it

He could make an effort and do something about that so as to free up his time, why make excuses for him?

& you say you've known his son for years - yet, his son cant know you're in his dad's life?

None of this adds up.

I mean it's fine to wait and hope but still, everything is his way and you're a secret to his family. Meeting his friends isnt a main thing really.

He's unable to say 'No' to his ex. So it isnt you thats his priority after his son. His son's mother is

Good luck

So does his sons mum only have him once a week?
I wouldn't introduce my kids to someone I'd been seeing for 6 months.
But only seeing him once a week after 6 months is hard.

His son is 12 surely in 2/3 years he'll be pretty self sufficient?

I think you tough it out a bit OP :)