Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend hiding messages and people

28 replies

CJ199012 · 24/02/2022 18:11

My boyfriend of 2 years has shown on a few occasions he's not cut off people he used to sleep with.

It's an instinctive thing to do when I enter a new relationship, and have done so.

Here's the instances -

5 months in a girl from the past was messaging him whilst we were on a romantic weekend away. The trip actually ended with me in hospital after severe cystitis. He messaged her on and off - some of her messages would come at 3am... and I confronted him. He lied that she was a friend from uni, but I now have the truth that it's a girl he once met in a bar. He has since blocked / deleted unfollowed / cut contact. That I can deal with - everyone can slip up.

Anyway... fast forward...

15 months in we were away with friends. There were Instagram messages appearing on his phone whilst he was in the shower from two other girls

Girl 1) an old flame - was asking how I (his girlfriend) is, to which he completely failed to answer in his reply. She has lots of scantily clad pics on her profile and his response was something along the lines of "didn't think you'd want to follow me given the distinct lack of bikini content". I feel sick reliving this, but bear with me...
Girl 2) another old flame - sending him pictures of her IN HER WEDDING DRESS to which she wrote "any plans to marry?" And his response was "no plans... come visit?".

Again, confronted and told both were blocked.

Is the guy thick? Today his iPad rang with a Turkish number (girl 2 is Turkish) and so I looked for her name on his iPad. He has kept her details under a male pseudonym and I am just dumbfounded.

I need some confidence, advice, etc., please be kind.. my self esteem is on the floor right now.

How do we fix this?

Thank you

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 24/02/2022 18:17

By dumping him and finding someone who treats you right

HeadToToesNo · 24/02/2022 18:19

How invested are you in this guy? He's not going to do anything positive for your self esteem and I think you'd be better off without him.

You don't trust him, and quite rightly so, given he's been hiding contacts, so the relationship is pretty dead in the water.

You've given him opportunity to be honest, and he's chosen to lie.

I say this as someone who has no problem with my DH being friends with his ex-gfs, but I don't have a problem with it because he's open about it and respectful of my boundaries.

Mintlegs · 24/02/2022 18:20

Run girl, run!

KirstenBlest · 24/02/2022 18:20

Bin him

coldfeetmama · 24/02/2022 18:22

What is there to fix ?
Walk away with your head held high
" This is not working for me anymore , good luck "

Get yourself an STI screen and enjoy your life

DatingDinosaur · 24/02/2022 18:22

”it's a girl he once met in a bar. He has since blocked / deleted unfollowed / cut contact. That I can deal with - everyone can slip up.”

Eh? So he’s in a relationship with you on a romantic break away and he thinks it’s perfectly fine to message some random he met in a pub?

He only blocked, etc. because he got called out on it.

Same for the rest of them. He’d have continued messaging them until you call him out on it.

He clearly won’t stop doing this and you’ll be forever on the lookout for new additions. Then, when he’s sick of you catching him out, he’ll start locking his phone/accounts. He’s already changed the name of one contact so it doesn’t look suspicious. Why would he do that?

He’s obviously not actually ready for a committed relationship and clearly still enjoys attention from other women, flirty or not.

"How do we fix this?" I’d call it a day, to be honest. Go find someone who respects and values YOU.

Electriq · 24/02/2022 18:23

He's looking elsewhere, so when his eyes are wondering walk away, and find someone who only has eyes for you.

Ludo19 · 24/02/2022 18:24

What @MrMrsJones said 100%

BornIn78 · 24/02/2022 18:28

He’s already proved to you that he’s not sorry for doing this, he’s only sorry he’s been caught.

Then when the dust has settled, he’s off again.

If you want to stay in the relationship then you’re going to have to stop looking at his phone and pretend you don’t know what he’s doing, and turn a blind eye, because the only thing you can be certain of is that he’s an out and out liar and there’ll be a next time, and a time after that, etc etc.

supercali77 · 24/02/2022 18:34

He's not thick love, he's put her name under a male psuedonym so you won't get suspicious. If you want your self confidence back stick some music on, give yourself a pep talk and tell him to F off

GoIntoTheLight · 24/02/2022 18:34

He hasn’t slipped up - he actively tried to hide this contact under a male name!

You’ll never trust him. Do yourself a favour, find someone who wants to be with you and only you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/02/2022 18:36

My ex husband was like this. I wasted nearly 15 years of my life on him and married him knowing he was doing this and always would. 12 years of marriage.....I wish I had walked away when I was at the stage you are at and not kept thinking "This time he means it, he wont do it again..."

JodyAteApples · 24/02/2022 18:39

You deserve better. He is awful, he will always be looking for other girls to stroke his ego. Always. You are enough, but this shit you're with isn't worthy of you.

Dump him and move on. Seriously, there is so much better out there.

Ttcfinalbub · 24/02/2022 18:39

He is playing you badly. He wouldn't hide the details unless there was something to hide. I don't know wether he's done something physical but he is not committed to you and that is no reflection on you. There is always 1 woman that a man really falls for be that woman wait for what's right and ditch the f boy !

Onthedunes · 24/02/2022 18:49

@MrMrsJones

By dumping him and finding someone who treats you right
This 100%

You know this is the only way this horrible way of life will end.

Change your mindset and start thinking about finding someone else.
There are so many men out there.

RantyAunty · 24/02/2022 18:51

Unfortunately, you believe you're in a serious relationship but he doesn't.

There's nothing to fix.

Dump and block him.

lunar1 · 24/02/2022 18:51

You end it now before you have a house and two children to manage through his affairs.

Nostrings457 · 24/02/2022 18:54

You don’t fix this. You end this. One is a mistake, now he is just being disrespectful. You deserve better than this, you won’t change him and why should you. You deserve someone respects you and doesn’t behave like this. Don’t stay for the sake of being 2 years in, leave for the sake of not wasting x number of years on someone who doesn’t deserve you Flowers

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/02/2022 18:59

WE don’t fix it. YOU fix it by dumping his sorry arse! He is lying and disrespectful. You deserve better

CrumpetStrumpet · 24/02/2022 19:03

There's nothing to fix. You stop your self esteem being further eroded by dumping him immediately. He's a sleaze, he can't be trusted and is cheating on you emotionally (if not physically)

You can't polish a turd. Cut your losses and run.

MsDogLady · 24/02/2022 19:06

OP, why are you sabotaging your life with this lying Player who chases other women, including those he’s already slept with, and deviously hides them under fake male names?

If you value your emotional health, you’ll walk away from this destructive relationship. He thrives on illicit thrills and is not going to change.

totallyoutnumbered · 24/02/2022 19:12

You don't fix it. You get rid. He'll
Never change and you'll have a lifetime of low self esteem. Not much to look forward to I say. You're worth so much more than this

crispmidnightpeace · 24/02/2022 21:09

If you have children I can't tell you what to do. If you don't have children you need to leave him because he's cheating you.

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/02/2022 21:32

In hospital with a urinary infection, unless you have suffered with them before
Get an STI check

Oh and dump the tosser

layladomino · 25/02/2022 12:14

You ask 'how do we fix this?' but there is no sign that he wants to 'fix' anything. Do you think he's talking to people on a forum, asking for advice on how to make his relationship with you better?

No, he's living his life exactlty how he wants to (which flirting with other women and asking them to meet up, hiding their identity to you, and pretending you don't exist when talking to them).

It takes two people to fix a relationship, and you're the only one trying.

Plus - why would you want to fix it? He lies, he is open to cheating (which means he's likely cheated already), he's disrespectful towards you. He doesn't act like he's serious about you at all.

When you really want to be with someone, there are no doubts. You don't keep in touch with ex's in the hope of hooking up again. You don't flirt with other people. You don't try to meet up with other people. Your OH has no doubts whatsoever that they are the only one you're intersted in.

He's a cheating, lying idiot and you will be so much better off without him. Enjoy being single, make clear your boundaries, and in future don't date someone unless they are 100% reliable and trustworthy, and totally in to you.