All the good men seem to be gone

[Timesup87]

This is just a general offload, more than a rant about all men.
Are there any other single parents out there who feel that they’re destined to be alone forever? I’ve been single for nearly 3 years now, I’m a single mum who dates and has had a couple of brief relationships, but nothing serious has ever happened. I’m 34 and a mum of two, I am relatively smart, enjoy a sense of humour and am independent, yet I seem to pick the wrong kind every time.
Over the years, I have done a great deal of soul searching and healing, self acceptance has been a big thing for me. I seem to struggle to find men on the same emotional level as me, and the only ones who do seem to be in touch with any emotion, are men who have serious depression. This is just my experience btw.
I don’t know how much more work I can do on myself, to attract better. All I seem to attract are controlling men, or men who just fancy one thing. Neither of which appeals to me.
I see so many happy couples, who have been together for years and have such a great bond, I would love to come home to someone at the end of the day. Someone who is genuine and caring. These qualities seem to be missing in so many people though. Just feel it’s such a shame, feeling that at my age, I’m going to be lonely for the rest of my life. Feel like I’ll never be quite right, or too much or not enough. Makes me sad to think I’ll never have a person that will love me with nothing but good intentions, and I’ll just do happen to find them attractive. I’ve tried dating people I’m not physically attracted to, but I didn’t enjoy the experience. Maybe I should just buy a dog.
Thanks for reading.

I like my men not to be so in touch with their emotions. You have to ask yourself, would they bury a dead cat for me? I also avoided men who describe themselves as feminists as there seemed in my experience to be a directly proportional relationship between the more loudly a man proclaimed him to be a feminist and his exploitative tendencies. My husband has never proclaimed himself a feminist but does his share of housework and cooking. My own litmus tests were: did he get on well with his mother (you don't have to), how does he act when you're sick, is he of similar intelligence to you and does he put you first (before his mother etc)?

Sometimes you have to find a diamond in the rough. If he's a a decent enough chap, clothes can be changed, he can get a haircut, cure his skin condition with a visit to a dermatologist and so on. I once looked round a men's clothes shop and every single man (including mine) had a woman leading him by the forearm.

Also men who are very confident with women usually have got that way because they've had a lot of interaction with women and you are just the latest in a long line of similarly nice women whom they've moved on from. You might have to compromise a bit too. Nobody, not even you, is perfect. My youngest son is short and skinny but he is one of the nicest people I know and I can see him out there with the shovel.

@Goldenharp

I like my men not to be so in touch with their emotions. You have to ask yourself, would they bury a dead cat for me? I also avoided men who describe themselves as feminists as there seemed in my experience to be a directly proportional relationship between the more loudly a man proclaimed him to be a feminist and his exploitative tendencies. My husband has never proclaimed himself a feminist but does his share of housework and cooking. My own litmus tests were: did he get on well with his mother (you don't have to), how does he act when you're sick, is he of similar intelligence to you and does he put you first (before his mother etc)?

Sometimes you have to find a diamond in the rough. If he's a a decent enough chap, clothes can be changed, he can get a haircut, cure his skin condition with a visit to a dermatologist and so on. I once looked round a men's clothes shop and every single man (including mine) had a woman leading him by the forearm.

Also men who are very confident with women usually have got that way because they've had a lot of interaction with women and you are just the latest in a long line of similarly nice women whom they've moved on from. You might have to compromise a bit too. Nobody, not even you, is perfect. My youngest son is short and skinny but he is one of the nicest people I know and I can see him out there with the shovel.

This is some really good advice. Particularly the bit about focusing on the qualities that will last a lifetime and can't be taught vs the more superficial ones that can be.

I don’t know how much more work I can do on myself, to attract better

Why do you think you have to do work on yourself? There's nothing wrong with you.

This is how it works: attractive person comes on the market, gets lots of contact from lots of people, all of whom but one will not be a future long term relationship. Lots of them will be wildly incompatible/idiots/trying it on for sex/controlling/wear leather pants/think it's ok to only eat bourbons etc. The world is full of loons! Hardly anybody matches any of us.

Be very quick to discard anybody who doesn't have you grinning all over your face pretty much all the time. Don't get dragged into thinking it's something about you. Those guys you've rejected will have contacted everybody; they don't have some special skill that enables them to choose 'people like you'. They cast their nets wide.

I’m not sure where I’ve stated I was more focused on superficial aspects of a person. Aside from stating I would like to find a spouse attractive.
I tend to find many men to be rather narcissistic and have rather little emotional responses. I would like to meet someone who can show a little empathy, not meaning I want them to be over emotional, but some emotional awareness is important to me.
I came out of a very emotionally abusive relationship 3 years ago, with someone I altered my boundaries for in order to be more accommodating and compromising. The result of this however, was that I ended up with someone who cheated on me constantly, ran up debt I knew nothing about, lied about anything and everything, and then left for someone 12 years younger after our DS was born.
Due to these experiences, I feel it is important to meet someone who doesn’t require me to sell my soul to the devil, in order for me to end up with someone. I have worked hard to accept that I deserve someone who will cherish me a little, rather than me just accept a full list of issues. I would like to feel seen in my next relationship. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect by any means. But I do expect to be treated with kindness and respect. It has taken me a long time to be able to say those things, without feeling guilty.

I started dating at 33/34 with a child and it’s a tricky age I think. Many of the decent men are still in marriages/relationships that haven’t yet gone to pot so you have to wait till that happens and there are more in the market (sorry - that sounds a bit calculated!). I ended up meeting a lovely guy when I was 36 and I was his first online date!

As others mentioned also, I wouldn’t necessarily be looking for a man who has matched you in terms of emotional work on himself. The only man I met who had done that was hugely calculating! Just look for a kind man - I always found they showed their true colours within a few months. You just have to look out for red flags particularly focusing on the patterns of behaviour.

You say that you pick the wrong kind. Do you tend to go for the same kind? You say you want men who are in touch with their emotions. Might you be going for men who are obviously emotional? Maybe you're rejecting men who only turn out to be in touch with their emotions when you get to know them?
I ask this because when I started dating again after divorce, I didn't want a long-term relationship; I wanted cheering up, and to go out and live a bit. So I went for a couple of "unsuitable" men that I thought were just out to have a good time. One turned out to be far more than that. You can have a proper good discussion with the guy :) Took me a while to work out what I'd accidentally chanced upon.

@Watchkeys precisely why I’ve avoided those kinds of men.
I have had to work on myself, I have been too easygoing in the past, resulting in negative experiences because I have put up with things I shouldn’t have. Working on what is acceptable to me and what isn’t has been a big focus.
I understand it’s all about timing and choices. I’d like the choices to be a little more worthwhile however, instead of these widely netting fishermen I keep encountering 😆.

In any case, once you pass 40, a whole new set of men will arrive on your dating websites...

Yup, it can get tedious wading through the prats! Sounds like you've got your head screwed on. If anybody gives you any doubts at all, chuck 'im. That's boundaries in a sentence. No need to work on yourself!

If it's getting tedious, have a break. You might meet the bloke of your dreams in Tesco whilst you're taking a break from dating. I know a woman who met her partner in a pub car park; he'd fallen in the hedge. Neither of them were looking for a partner, and they've been together 30 years. You can feel the love rolling off them when they're together.

You never know when it might happen. Keep your pecker up!

@DarkCorner thank you for that. It is terribly tricky at this age. Many people now come with issues they have resulting in their prior experiences of failed relationships also, so it’s navigating those also.
I don’t need to meet someone who matches my emotions, just someone who is aware that I actually have them and respects this about me. Also, someone who can voice how they feel, instead of someone who avoids communicating. That is just something that is important to me.
I seem to find the red flagged men more frequently than not. Was recently seeing someone who was lovely for the first month or so, but it became apparent that I had to agree with him all the time, could never suggest something because it was always ‘no’, complained if I had to very occasionally change plans due to my DS being ill. I went along with it a little at first, hoping things would become more compromising however, he became more and more demanding unfortunately.

[quote Timesup87]@Watchkeys precisely why I’ve avoided those kinds of men.
I have had to work on myself, I have been too easygoing in the past, resulting in negative experiences because I have put up with things I shouldn’t have. Working on what is acceptable to me and what isn’t has been a big focus.
I understand it’s all about timing and choices. I’d like the choices to be a little more worthwhile however, instead of these widely netting fishermen I keep encountering 😆.[/quote]
I've definitely been too easy going in the past, in my current relationship I am still easy going, happy for him to go out with his friends, we have plenty of time apart etc. but I am clear in my own mind where my boundaries are and what I will and won't accept. I would walk away rather than accept some of the things I accepted in my marriage. It comes from knowing that I am ok on my own, I want a relationship I don't need one.

I do think you have to be more open to different types of men though, give someone a go if they're interesting even if they're not your usual type, I wasn't attracted to DP at first sight but I was within 10 minutes of conversation.

@Watchkeys maybe I’m looking in the wrong places, never considered pub car parks 😆.

You’re right, a break is definitely needed. Although I don’t look to hard if I’m honest, but feel I am perhaps looking in the wrong places.

Thank you for commenting.

@DiamondBright I think perhaps I’m so conscious of avoiding the kinds of men I’ve been with in the past, I’m looking too closely for a particular kind of man.
I’ll take that onboard, thank you.

@ravenmum I did used to go for the same kind. Masculine men, mens men I suppose. I grew up in a female dominated space, so kind of started from scratch with very little examples of how to be treated and what to go for. And dating in my 40’s is something I cannot bare to even think about right now haha.

OP it can be really rough - I met plenty of strange ones on OLD. However what really helped me were 2 things. First a very good male friend of mine reviewed my profile. A couple of things he suggested changing because in men's heads, it meant something completely not what I thought it meant! He also added a couple of very direct sentences - I am an independent and smart woman who is looking for the same. This got rid of a lot of the chancers/potential wasters. Second, I used an app where I made the first move, and would always open a message with something about their profile that interested me to get the conversation going. I was 35 then and a single parent - the guy I eventually met was older but had also got 2 kids. He is the most emotionally aware man I've ever met (it helps that he is spiritual and a creative too which I love). If you need a break, take one and give the pool time to refresh ;)

I don’t think the good men have gone. I do think a lot of the ones who are ‘good’ are probably still happily married/ committed.

But I do also think there are still some lovely men who haven’t yet met the right person.

For me (in my mind forties and divorced) I don’t think it’s about whether the men are good or not. I think it’s my barometer of ‘good’ that has changed (huge amounts).

I am now looking for someone with very different qualities. And finding those qualities through the lens of OLD is hard. It’s so focussed on visuals. Someone could not take a great pic but be an amazing person in RL. I have no intention of returning to OLD for that very reason. I am trying to get out and put myself in different situations/ meet people in RL. Aside from that I’m coming to terms with the fact that I may be single for the rest of my life.

I won’t settle for anything less than someone kind and respectful who has room to prioritise (from time to time) a SO. And someone who owns their baggage and has worked on themselves.

They’re out there, the challenge is how many of them are on OLD.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m trying to get to the place where I’m content being in a long term committed relationship with myself.

It’s not an option for me to spend the next x amount of decades feeling like my glass is half empty. Hoping to meet someone. It’s hard though because it can be lonely at times.

@Tiger2018 thank you for commenting.
I like your approach and will definitely ask a male friend to do the same. I’m glad you found a person who sounds just right for you.

I know what you mean. It's tricky.

I've been single mum for 10 years. In that time I've had one relationship with a single dad but it ended as soon as his daughter reached 17.

He wanted to enjoy his new freedom and if I couldn't 'get rid of DS' and go travelling with him, he wasn't interested any more!!

DS is now teens so maybe I'll try again in the summer. But I'd like a cheerful, fairly relaxed, easy going man. I won't be interested in anything serious until DS leaves home, maybe another 5 years.

@MintJulia well in that case, he didn’t sound worthy of having someone. You had a lucky escape.
Yes that sounds refreshing, there are a lot of men (and women) out there, who are rather full on. I’m sure you’ll know what to look for, when the time comes for you to meet someone special.

I'm 51 been single for 10 years. I've had a couple of dates but I've not been interested in taking it further with them and have yet to meet anyone else. I've tried online dating but as an overweight person I have found I get overlooked 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Starrynamechange it has been difficult to come across someone in the flesh rather than virtually, largely due to the pandemic. I feel you get more of feel for someone when you meet them in RL also.
I can relate to you when you say you requirements have changed, when looking at what you like in a person. We all change with experience, and so it makes sense for our needs and wants to change too.
I’m quite happy alone, but as you say, it does get lonely. There are times I’d like someone to share happy times (and sad times) with. Would be nice to have emotional support from someone and not being the person who supports everyone else for a change.

Assuming we are talking mainly about OLD I think the issue is the majority concentrate on a small group. It's not surprising given OLD is very visual and I suppose looks / a good profile will drive interest.

I think a bit of a deeper delve and being prepared to have conversations with those that don't stand out and may even look a bit vanilla / boring might be worth a shot as that group can often be overlooked.

Men are a product of their society (aside from their instrinic biology which make them men obviously).

Our society is one where pornography I.e. the objectification and exploitation of women, is indulged in by many men, is seen as normal and even healthy, including by many women. Viewing these things fundamentally changes how boys and men view women, and women accepting this means they show men they're happy for women I'm principle to be treated this way. Of course as a result, most men won't exhibit high empathy, true love and kindness towards women.

Women reap what they sow unfortunately by accepting these terrible things in society and not condemning it sttingly enough and actively refusing to have relationships with men who like such things. There are still good men out there (and I know some lovely men) but naturally the number of truly good single men diminishes with age as they get partnered up (and normally stay married so don't become available again).

Picking out good men is actually easy. Bad men show their true colours early on if you pay attention. The ones looking for one thing obviously won't stay if you're not giving them that one thing etc. I know of women who complain of bad guys but ignore early signs of bad behaviour which wiser women would see. Having sex with men prematurely bonds you to them hormonally which reduces the ability to discern properly at a stage when you need to be very rational and be dumping bad guys/not going out with them at all.

*strongly enough