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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband filmed me without concent

65 replies

Ghuns · 23/02/2022 17:51

Hi all, a year ago I found out that my husband of 10 years has been filming me, he has been setting up a secret camera in our room so he could film me while I’m getting changed etc! I found this because he obviously put it on his phone and this linked with the shared iPad! I was disgusted and has apologised but I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him since , the thought of it makes me feel sick! What do I do, we have two boys and I don’t want to break up the family but it’s making me depressed, help

OP posts:
Linguini · 24/02/2022 00:59

Voyeurism is one of the top five paraphilias in men.

Approximately one in twenty men have at least one paraphilia.

There is an extremely lucrative voyeurism online market where men share videos and pics of women undressing (or having sex) without their knowledge.

Sorry OP Flowers

WildPoinsettia · 24/02/2022 01:08

In this technology age I wonder if the number of women who haven't had private images shared of them online is smaller than the number of women who have. How many men do this and how many women do they date over time? Or in the case of upskirting or secret filming in hotels etc they don't even have to date them. It's sickening.

Dancingsmile · 24/02/2022 06:19

It's called voyeurism.
Just because you're his wife does not mean it's OK to get kicks from filming you undressing, etc without your permission.
If he wanted to feel close to you, why didn't he set the camera up in the kitchen to watch you make a cup of tea ?
This is for sexual gratification. No wonder you feel disgusted by him.

Crystalvas · 24/02/2022 06:43

He broke your trust OP ina place that should feel safe to you, your own home. I don’t blame you for the way you feel. Maybe ask him to leave for a while so you have space to sort your head out and see how you feel.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 24/02/2022 06:51

What a grubby little skin-creeping pervert he is.
I’d tell him to leave, I wouldn’t be able to stay in the same room as him let alone the house.

You’ll never be able to trust him again and what an appalling example he sets for your two boys.

girlmom21 · 24/02/2022 08:42

@TheGirlWithTheTattoo

I have been chatting online for many years, I was trying to find a new chat room a few days ago and found one where many men were sharing pictures of their wives, talking about fantasies where they wanted to share her, Some were even offering their wives mobile number in the chat so a strange man could call her, pretend he had a wrong number then slowly try to get her to have an affair with him, All with the husband's knowledge. I could go on.. I left almost as soon as I joined.. My point is, This stuff is going on right now, and for all you know your pictures are being shared in a chat room like this. Go to the police.
Did you report it?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2022 09:19

@TheGirlWithTheTattoo

I have been chatting online for many years, I was trying to find a new chat room a few days ago and found one where many men were sharing pictures of their wives, talking about fantasies where they wanted to share her, Some were even offering their wives mobile number in the chat so a strange man could call her, pretend he had a wrong number then slowly try to get her to have an affair with him, All with the husband's knowledge. I could go on.. I left almost as soon as I joined.. My point is, This stuff is going on right now, and for all you know your pictures are being shared in a chat room like this. Go to the police.
I hope you reported this?
Ghuns · 24/02/2022 10:48

It was over a year ago I saw it, and I instantly deleted it as the kids use the iPad, I wish I hadn't , I went through all of his computer chips to try find it but was wiped! I regret not reporting it! I've tried to forget about it but it's so serious how can I, he is moping around because I won't try ans get things back on track and be intimate with him! Making me feel like he is watching my every move, I feel like he is now suspecting me or having an affair as he can't understand why I won't sleep with him x

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2022 11:17

OP what this man has done is illegal.

He's committed a crime against you in your own home.

It's illegal to record anyone without their consent in a private residence in an area in which they can 'reasonable expect privacy' e.g. a bedroom where they are likely to change or a bathroom.

You can still report this. Do you have any messages between you in which he acknowledges what he's done?

I'm so sorry to say this but it's a very real possibility he may have shared the footage and also a very real possibility that he's filmed you in other parts of the house without your knowledge. And that he hasn't stopped doing it but has just been more careful.

You simply cannot have a healthy, happy relationship with this man. That is not possible due to his actions. So you need to decide whether you spend the rest of your life with a man who has betrayed your trust and committed a criminal offence against you, then chastised you for not wanting to be intimate with him afterwards, or whether you choose freedom.

You have children and yes that complicates things - nobody is saying a split is ever easy. But do you really want them to grow up witnessing this dynamic? At best, a mother who becomes a shell of herself due to the trauma of what her husband has done. They won't witness a happy, healthy relationship so the longer you stay with him, the more likely it is that your boys will replicate this dynamic (unhealthy, unhappy, unequal) in their own relationships as adults.

It's often more selfish to stay than it is to leave. Let that fuel you.

And please consider still reporting, especially if you have any messages / emails where he acknowledges what he did.

I'm so sorry OP. But life could be so good in future without this man and without feeling spied on in your own home. You can have a safe, relaxed, lovely home without him.

Howshouldibehave · 24/02/2022 11:24

You found this out a year ago and you’re still with him? I just don’t think I could have spent another night with someone like that. Why was it that made you post now-so much later?

MidnightMeltdown · 24/02/2022 11:30

This is vile! You need to leave him ASAP.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think the only reason for doing this is to share with other men. He has no respect for you.

layladomino · 24/02/2022 12:12

He seriously doesn't understand why his wife, who he has treated appallingly, in a criminal way, and the most disrespectful way, doesn't want to have sex with him????!!!

Does he know he's lucky you didn't report to the Police? (It isn't too late BTW).

Does he know how disgusting what he did was? Does he understand how hard it will be to see him as trustworthy or attractive ever again??

I'm so angry on your behalf.

Eightiesfan · 24/02/2022 12:18

OP he was possibly filming you for years, the one you saw on the iPad will not be the only one. You need to find out where the others are and if he shared them online. You must contact the police, they will confiscate his phones and devices to see if they can trace any websites or accounts he might have used to share them. What he has done is illegal, you must face this head on and if there are any videos lurking online you need to do all you can to get them taken down.

fuckoffImcounting · 24/02/2022 14:58

This man is a voyeur. That does not just go away. He may have upped his game in secret filming. He may have something going on in the bathroom, in the kids room or at work, even back in your bedroom. I don't think anyone could come back from this.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 24/02/2022 15:05

You can still report him, I’m sure the police have ways of retrieving deleted material (and I hope to goodness he didn’t share in on the internet 🤬)
You and your children need protecting from him (and don’t forget he may have continued but been able to cover his tracks)

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