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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband filmed me without concent

65 replies

Ghuns · 23/02/2022 17:51

Hi all, a year ago I found out that my husband of 10 years has been filming me, he has been setting up a secret camera in our room so he could film me while I’m getting changed etc! I found this because he obviously put it on his phone and this linked with the shared iPad! I was disgusted and has apologised but I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him since , the thought of it makes me feel sick! What do I do, we have two boys and I don’t want to break up the family but it’s making me depressed, help

OP posts:
Psychonabike · 23/02/2022 19:20

we have two boys and I don’t want to break up the family

Try not to let this ^ make you try to pretend this is anything less than what it is. Try not to let these feelings make you accept his lies, explanations or justifications.

There's no excuse for this. It's criminal, abusive, invasive and dangerous...and it might be the tip of the iceberg of what you know about him.

It's his actions that have broken your family as you've known it, not your reasonable reaction.

The total disrespect for another person's autonomy is a fatal character flaw, not a one off lack of judgement. Regular people with common morals and ethics don't do these things. Aside from my own feelings, I would be seriously concerned about this person being around my children. Because of that I would have to go to the police, have them seize devices etc, investigate the full extent...so when it comes to access, it would be fully risk assessed (and in all likelihood facilitated by a service rather than me).

There have been a few of these threads over the years, with OPs finding that the images have indeed been shared online. Prepare yourself.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3860473-My-husband-secretly-filmed-me?postsby=Mae3&fromid=95003635

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/02/2022 19:20

It won't be your fault if you split up op. Try and keep that in mind. Report him online if you can't ring them.

dworky · 23/02/2022 19:29

You haven't broken up the family, he has by committing a sexual offence against you.
You need to face the fact that he's a pervert, he's never going to be a decent father or husband!

Gowithme · 23/02/2022 19:38

By 'distant from you' does he mean 'not getting as much sex as he'd like'? and his answer is to make his own films of you and invade your privacy in such a gross way. He obviously hasn't spoken to you about this 'distance' as you had no idea so his communication skills are dire. How dare he secretly film you - I can't think of anything more creepy and disgusting. I'm so sorry that he has abused you in this way.

Villanelle17 · 23/02/2022 19:40

I'd run. That's not normal behaviour, it's worrying.

pollygartertidywife · 23/02/2022 19:41

You have two pretty stark choices OP.

If you don't want to leave him then you are going to have to see if you are able to find a way to forgive him. Couples therapy might help.

Otherwise you need to separate. Worse for the kids to live in a family with so much tension between the parents.

crosstalk · 23/02/2022 19:41

Sorry, just break up the family and start the process now by going to a solicitor. I hope you are on the deeds for your house or rental. Do you think he's a good example for your sons to follow? At least register this with the police so you have some evidence. And save it to your phone or Ipad so he can't deny he did it.

girlmom21 · 23/02/2022 19:42

I don't understand what he thought he'd gain from filming you?

How does he stop you feeling violated? How does he propose to 'fix this'?
Is he claiming filming you made a difference?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/02/2022 19:55

My exh blamed us not being close on me not allowing him to change my tampons. You really can't negotiate with such men op..
Ime your marriage is over. And he destroyed it. Not you.

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2022 19:58

He’s abusive and controlling
How can you ever trust him again after this?

ThirdElephant · 23/02/2022 20:02

@dworky

You must phone the police. I'm sorry to tell you that he's possibly been sharing these recordings online.
I agree that he may be sharing them. I mean, after ten years and two kids with someone, how titillating can it be to watch them get changed? I'd wonder if he's doing it for financial purposes.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2022 20:11

He is not the man you thought he was.

Their father is not a good man nor a decent example of a father to them.

He has broken this marriage by his actions, not your reaction to this criminal act against you. I would not wish to further distress you but it is highly likely these images have been shared online. He is not sorry for what he has done and he has committed a crime against you here.

Prettynails · 23/02/2022 20:28

@Hen2018

I’d be phoning the police and leaving almost simultaneously.
This - can you get the evidence eg shared iPad and download or screen shot the evidence that he has and then change the passcode and remove it from the house. Police. It’s assault.
Prettynails · 23/02/2022 20:28
  • assault on your privacy and illegal not a physical assault !
YoBeaches · 23/02/2022 21:03

Yeah I was going to add there's a growing number of men joining website where they film their wives and upload it to share in exchange for watching other mens wives videos. All unknown and without consent.

It's dangerous behaviour OP. It's predatory. It's totally reasonable that you can't get past it.

You need to drastically reconsider your future with this abusive man. He has no right to your body and he thinks he does.

TheSpecialist · 23/02/2022 21:19

He doesn’t trust you.

This is his way of keeping his eye on you. It’s control. Nothing to do with intimacy.

Philly1234 · 23/02/2022 21:50

Op I’m really sorry this has happened. Your husband is a voyeur, a peeping Tom. His filming you, repeatedly, without your knowledge or consent is a criminal offence.

You’re having difficulty reconciling the man you thought he was with the man he really is.

I really don’t see any coming back from this. Even if he was to receive specialist therapy, the abuse of trust is irreparable. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable you must feel in your own home. Op seek some counselling just for you.

pheonixrebirth · 23/02/2022 22:02

You really need to find out if he has uploaded your images online.
This is just not ok on so so many levels, no respectful decent person would do this to anybody especially someone they love.

He has been preying on you in your own home, supposedly your safe space in the world.

Do not let him minimise this, he is clearly already trying to blame you. He is disgusting.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/02/2022 22:16

He said at the time that I never wear nice underwear which infuriated me!

So what did he want, better photos to share with others on some "naughty wives" site? Hmm

I'm not usually one to say ring the police, but in this case I'd say it's essential

EarthSight · 23/02/2022 23:21

Sorry OP - he sounds like a voyeur. He probably started off watching upskirting videos and clips that other men had uploaded of women in hotels and things like that, and has moved on to making his own voyeur material to share .

It's a big step but you might need to contact the police. Your videos could be on all kinds of websites by now :(

Ionlydomassiveones · 24/02/2022 00:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TheGirlWithTheTattoo · 24/02/2022 00:27

I have been chatting online for many years, I was trying to find a new chat room a few days ago and found one where many men were sharing pictures of their wives, talking about fantasies where they wanted to share her, Some were even offering their wives mobile number in the chat so a strange man could call her, pretend he had a wrong number then slowly try to get her to have an affair with him, All with the husband's knowledge. I could go on.. I left almost as soon as I joined.. My point is, This stuff is going on right now, and for all you know your pictures are being shared in a chat room like this. Go to the police.

user1481840227 · 24/02/2022 00:39

How dare he!

The family is already broken OP unfortunately.
There's no way to come back from that, your home is supposed to be a safe place, your partner is supposed to feel like a safe place too.
How could you trust him again?

We often feel like we have to stay in relationships for the kids, but we don't do them any favours by staying in broken relationships.

CushionSpiral · 24/02/2022 00:45

Please don’t stay with him, what is there to stay for?
Ignore the underwear comments. I wear comfortable big knickers and pull on bras and my husband finds me attractive. He’s trying to deflect.

There is no coming back from this sadly

WildPoinsettia · 24/02/2022 00:50

@Ghuns

He apologised and said he would build the trust up but he said at the time that I never wear nice underwear which infuriated me! I haven't been intimate with him since and it really bothers him thst I can't get past it! He never suspected I was up to anything that wasn't the reason he did it! I'm guessing he wasn't happy with what he had!
It bothers me that you think you should get past it. Your revulsion is normal and healthy. What he's done is appalling.

How do you know he ever stopped filming you? He's almost certainly shared the images too. He's awful.

What's this bollicks about sexy underwear? So you don't wear sexy underwear when you know you're getting undressed in front of him but he somehow thinks you're wearing it when you're getting undressed alone? It's utter bullshit. He's just trying to blame you for why he did a terrible thing.