Were my parents alcoholics?

[greef]

My lovely parents both have passed so please be gentle. Not recently.

I have been having therapeutic counselling due to anxiety and depression. I'm so totally confused as to what actually went on in my childhood. The more I think and talk about it, the more I think my parents were alcoholics. But they were the kindest and gentlest people I could ever imagine. I can't remember them ever shouting or being cross. Mum would always sit with me for hours if I was upset and hold my hand. They were endlessly supportive of all of us until the day they died. I stole something from my Dad when I was being bullied when I was 15 to get out of a situation and all he said was, don't worry, we'll work it out together, and we did

I'm sitting here crying because today my therapist told me that my childhood could explain why I'm feeling the way I do. Because I do remember the smell of alcohol on their breath every night. I do remember them drinking every evening, and that alcohol was always present in every memory, every event. I feel so guilty as if I've tainted them in some way, when they were the loveliest, kindest, gentle parents you could ask for. They loved each other so much and weren't ever volatile like I'd imagine alcoholics being.

I don't know what I want from this really but everything I look at online doesn't help me as I don't feel I really have any awful experiences to share but something must explain why I am the way I am

drinking alcohol even a large amount doesn't make you an alcoholic.
a person slips into the alcoholic range when it affects relationships (emotionally or financially or health wise for example).
there was a certain time period when regular drinking was more acceptable again you can't look back through the lens of the current views.

Is your therapist trying to make you think that you have repressed memories? or is it just talking about your childhood and desperately searching for answers as to why you are depressed and anxious that is making you wonder if there were issues in your childhood that you weren't consciously aware of?

To make the job easier your therapist is trying to blame your parents and is throwing everything possible out there to find something to pin on them to achieve the big ‘ha ha, got it’?

I imagine if the only straw you are clutching at is that you smelt alcohol on their breath regularly, with no other memory of obvious dysfunction then it’s a really weak straw. Not everything in life can be blamed on parents.

@HoppingPavlova
That's what I was thinking too.

Perhaps we have it wrong but OP maybe the therapist just isn't very good. Some aren't.

Have you ruled out any medical or biological causes of depression and anxiety?

I am sorry for your loss. Your parents both sound like they gave you a lot of love.

Perhaps your parents both were alcoholics. I don’t think there is any doubt that one’s early years have a profound impact on how we see the world.
But Im confused as to how you think this might have made you depressed and anxious? What is the link you are making?

Drinking alcohol daily was seen as a sign of status and wealth snd being comfortable snd having a good life. A g&t before wine. A whisky after. A Drambuie liqueur. More g&t cooking the Sunday roast. Etc.

Your parents sound perfectly lovely. They haven't behaved ever badly towards you. The alcohol consumption is only really significant if it made their behaviour to you wrong in some way, and or as an example to you.

Do you have a problem with alcohol? That seems here the only thing that could have bend a negative effect on you.

I'm so sorry they've gone, but they will always be there in your heart to sustain and love you ❤️💐

Sorry for typos 🙈

And and
Been
!

No it doesn't sound like they were alcoholics. I wonder, like other posters, why your therapist is asking you to focus on that? Significant alcohol consumption, whilst not healthy, does not equal alcoholism.

Does it matter? If you had a lovely childhood, and your parents were full of love for you then why is your therapist determined to find problems in your past? Honestly, it seems that they are clutching at straws and trying to blame your current problems on your parents.

My dad has a can of beer every night with his dinner, but certainly isn't an alcoholic. And if you have lovely memories of your family life, please don't let this therapist try to spoil that otherwise you will feel a whole lot worse.

Unless there’s lots you haven’t said, your parents sound lovely and that they were there for you and available to you. It does not sound like they were alcoholics or that alcohol impacted on their parenting of you.
Therapists aren’t always good ones, and aren’t always right.

This is why I think counselling/therapy can be harmful sometimes.
Years ago I remember that it seemed all men went to the pub in the evening. Women would go too and sit in the snug. Older siblings were left in charge.All family gatherings involved alcohol.
It was a different time, and I really wouldn’t let this person damage the memory of your parents.

I’m sorry for your loss. But no nothing here suggests they were alcoholics op. Hopefully therapy helps you unpick why yoire going down this route.

Were your needs met? It sounds like they were. I think the problem with alcoholic parents is the child’s needs can be overlooked but that doesn’t sound like your upbringing.

If they were alcoholics - then what where the effects on you? That they loved you and supported you? That they made you happy?

My mother definitely was an alcoholic and I had none of that. My childhood memories are of yelling and fights, of always walking on eggshells even during the day, of zero support, and constant criticism peppered with rare overwrought declarations of love which meant nothing. Now a counsellor could go to town on all that. But if you can take your rose tinted glasses off and see no bad consequences for you other than smelling booze of an evening, then you might need to look elsewhere.

did you have many siblings?
perhaps your early years were somehow affected but not by alcohol, it is quite a difficult question to answer and is there any point?

Alcoholics can be kind and gentle people. If they were drinking every night, they were probably slightly disconnected from you and it's possible that you picked up on this. I have friends who drink heavily in the evenings. They are kind and loving people, but there is always a sense of them "checking out" as the affects of alcohol take over. I'm not saying this happened in your family, but it's possible that on some level you felt "alone", and this may have contributed to anxiety and depression later in life. You will probably never unpick why they drank every night. It doesn't mean they weren't caring and loving people. But if you do unpick your own memories of how you felt as a child, it might help you understand yourself a bit more.

Ask your therapist if they accept that anxiety and depression can be caused by things other than upbringing. If they don't think so, find another therapist. If they do, ask them why they are focussing on your parents, when you don't think your parents are the issue.

Therapists say stuff. They're not always right, they don't know everything. A good therapist will work through issues with you and suggest things that will help you get to the bottom of those issues. They won't simply insist on one, seemingly incongruous, thing being the cause of your woes, and push at it until it hurts you, which seems to be what's happening here.

I don't know the answer to this question, but if your parents were kind and loving (they sounded like wonderful parents) then why does how much they drank matter? I mean, why does your therapist think that matters?

I think you need to find a new therapist.

If your therapist is making you feel worse is it worth continuing? I don't see why tainting the memory of your parents is helpful to someone with anxiety and depression. Does there need to be a reason for your condition? Maybe the therapist is looking for something that isn't there.

I'm sitting here crying because today my therapist told me that my childhood could explain why I'm feeling the way I do

That old chestnut.

Isn't that what all therapists fall back on, as a "reason" why you might be sad? It's the first line isn't it : "Tell me about your childhood".

Don't allow a stranger to persuade you that your parents were anything other than what you KNOW they were - loving and kind.

Who cares if they enjoyed a glass of wine (or whatever) in the evening. It's not a crime. I certainly did that most evenings, and I can tell you, I am a brilliant Mum and it never affected my parenting.

I was raised by an alcoholic father. Mum also drank, but not to the same excess. There were many lovely times, and we wanted for nothing, but , there were alcoholic outbursts and angry rages from my Dad multiple times a week, with glasses / plates being thrown across rooms, my Dad threatening to harm my Mum (he never did), huge drunken rows, with relatives having to be called.

I still loved my parents and they never ever hurt me or my sister. Mum is gone now, and I have a good relationship with my Dad, He is still an alcoholic (80 years old!), but there are no more angry times.

Sounds like you had it good. Cherish that. I think I'd stop seeing the therapist if I was you.

It sounds like your parents were really caring and attentitive. You have some beautiful memories of them.

What do you think the reasons are for you being anxious and depressed? I can't help but wonder if it's just part of the grieving process.

No one has mentioned yet the bullying you spoke of OP and the fact it resulted in you stealing something from your Dad. Bullying is awful and could also have had a lasting effect on you possibly? Your parents sound lovely.

If talking to this therapist is spoiling your memories of your lovely parents then I think you should stop talking to this therapist and perhaps find another, there are zillions. Psychologists have lots of different approaches and some are absolutely obsessed with the idea that problems are caused by childhood trauma etc.

Anyway. If you don’t have any memories of your parents drunkenly shouting, or passing out on the sofa, or doing weird random stuff / slurring, then they probably weren’t alcoholics.

The bullying at school is a much more likely cause of your anxiety and depression if you ask me.