Were my parents alcoholics?

[greef]

My lovely parents both have passed so please be gentle. Not recently.

I have been having therapeutic counselling due to anxiety and depression. I'm so totally confused as to what actually went on in my childhood. The more I think and talk about it, the more I think my parents were alcoholics. But they were the kindest and gentlest people I could ever imagine. I can't remember them ever shouting or being cross. Mum would always sit with me for hours if I was upset and hold my hand. They were endlessly supportive of all of us until the day they died. I stole something from my Dad when I was being bullied when I was 15 to get out of a situation and all he said was, don't worry, we'll work it out together, and we did

I'm sitting here crying because today my therapist told me that my childhood could explain why I'm feeling the way I do. Because I do remember the smell of alcohol on their breath every night. I do remember them drinking every evening, and that alcohol was always present in every memory, every event. I feel so guilty as if I've tainted them in some way, when they were the loveliest, kindest, gentle parents you could ask for. They loved each other so much and weren't ever volatile like I'd imagine alcoholics being.

I don't know what I want from this really but everything I look at online doesn't help me as I don't feel I really have any awful experiences to share but something must explain why I am the way I am

Thank you to everyone who has commented. I do think that maybe the therapy isn't helping. She didn't say anything awful about them but she said that maybe they were there, but not "present" and I felt terrible that that came from things I had said to her.

I know that sometimes there could be that slight "disconnect" that another poster talked about, cheeks flushed and speech a little slurred at times but I know whenever we needed something they were right on it. They were never incapable that I can recall, except one time after a wedding we all went to and my Dad was really drunk that night, my mum helped him get into bed. There was no bad feeling about it though, but I remember feeling a bit worried about him

By todays standard they drank a lot. This was the 70's/ 80's and looking back most of their friends also drank a lot, way more than what would be recommended now. When I miss my dad I open my husbands whiskey and smell it and it evokes such strong memories of Dad sitting on my bed and hugging me saying goodnight. I doubt there was a day they didn't drink.

I do have siblings yes, none of them have mental health issues. None of us drink a great deal. I haven't really talked about the bullying with my therapist, but it really did make me feel shit about myself.

Thank you for helping me put things in perspective.

Did you feel respected and heard by your parents, @greef? Do you feel they listened to you when you expressed your feelings?

That's usually the crux of alcoholism affecting parenting, whether there's other mistreatment or not. It's the feeling of your feelings being over ridden that causes issues.

My mother definitely was an alcoholic and I had none of that. My childhood memories are of yelling and fights, of always walking on eggshells even during the day, of zero support, and constant criticism peppered with rare overwrought

@HelloKeith I'm so sorry you went through that, I hope you had other kind family to support you.

@Watchkeys yes I felt those things, they were so, so supportive. But I suppose in some ways the alcohol may have affected them, my mum was a bit scatty and sometimes would forget things, like giving me dinner money or my PE kit, but then she'd walk all the way to my school pushing my little sister in her pram to drop it off so I didn't get in trouble,

Or maybe I'm overthinking it now and she was just scatty!

My Dad was an alcoholic and this doesn't sound like my experience at all. He loved me so so much but his illness ruined his marriage to my Mum and in the end caused him to die early. I've got lots of memories of things I shouldn't have - domestic violence, him being fall down drunk and crying, drunk driving, being awful at parties - it doesn't sound like your Mum and Dad were like this?

I think you need to have a look at your boundaries, and why you're accepting what a therapist says when it flies squarely in the face of what you think, feel, and believe.

You can express a boundary to a therapist. 'I don't want to talk about my parents any more, and I'd like to look at different things that may have triggered my current feelings.'

A therapist is there to support you with working out what you think and feel about yourself. They're not there to tell you what to think and feel about yourself. It's a very important distinction.

Hi there op. Your parents sound lovely. They were kind and supportive to you. They also had faults and weaknesses as we all do. If their weakness was alcohol, they seem to have tried not to let that weakness harm you. As an adult I often look back on my own childhood and mull over the negative aspects of it. As a mother I can only hope my own weaknesses haven't damaged my DD too much. I think I was good enough. I hope my dd thinks the same. We have a very positive, mutually supportive relationship. I'm pdg as a grandma so I suppose we do better when we know better and that comes through life's experiences if we let it. What I'm trying to say, (I think 🤔) is that your parents sound as though they were (at the very least) good enough. Sorry for your loss op. Hope you can take all that was good about your upbringing and build upon it. Hope you can let go of any negatives now they are gone and learn from them in your own life experiences 💐

@GenderCriticalTrumpets no I don't have memories like that, I'm sorry you had to go through that, it must have been hard even though you knew you were loved

@Watchkeys I have no idea why this has completely disarmed me, DH was perplexed last night and said mum the same as you, and basically that I know better than someone who has never even met them

@shiningstar2 your post is so lovely and insightful and I think you have it spot on

It's hard to tell from what you've posted here if you're parents were alcoholics or if they were just regular drinkers. That's the first point. The second point is whether it matters or not.

For whatever reason, your therapist has identified this as a salient point. That may be because they were or it may be because the therapist has had their judgement clouded (its worth remembering that people generally drank more in those days than they do now and a lot of people are much more aware of the mental impact of alcohol so your therapist may be putting too much emphasis on this).

FWIW my parents were probably alcoholics in the technical sense: my dad certainly drank way too much and it affected his behaviour and his relationships. But I don't consider them to have been bad parents. Their behaviour to me in general outweighed any negative impacts on me resulting from their relationship with alcohol. Alcohol use and abuse is a big spectrum with lots of grey areas on it. There are plenty of people who drink a fairly large amount of alcohol but who are not alcoholics, and there are people who drink sparingly who are. There are alcoholics who manage to maintain good relationships (although its certainly a handicap). It's not a straightforward calculation.

I can't help wondering if it's worth trying a different therapist. The alcohol thing seems to have become a very focal point for this one and it may be that they can't see past what is not ultimately the most relevant point.

@notangelinajolie

I think you need to find a new therapist.

This x 100.