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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent Help Needed

26 replies

Mercier1 · 22/02/2022 22:12

Hey, I have posted here many times. Please be gentle and do not flame me. I am trying to get out of a marriage.
My husband has had poor MH for 3 years. It has improved a lot. We are in very intense marriage Councilling.

The last 2 days we were away for half term with out children to a theme park. I admit my mood was not great. We bickered a lot. at the end of the theme park we were making our way home on the motorway its 3-4 hours journey.

Our argument which was about a trivial matter imo escalated. I said that when we got home he should stay with his parents, he said no way am I leaving the house and I said well I am not (I have no family in this country- his parents live 7 mins away)... He ended up saying he would never leave the house and his parents had paid for it (we are married, have always contributed and paid the mortgage on my own last year or two). . . None of this is relevant really because what happened next was he start to drive insanely fast, I was crying and saying please stop you are scaring me, I immediately said you can have the house etc etc.

Thankfully my kids were asleep.... then he said he just wanted to get out of the car and get away. We are 3 hours from home and approaching the motorway. he said he would kill himself and im not sure he used the words that he would kill us but I was in fear of my life with his driving. My phone was dead. I tried to grab his off the sat nav to call the police and he snatched it. He pulled over at a roundabout junction. Got out and threw the keys at me. I had to get out of my side. walk around hysterical. kids awake crying and move the car. I drive to the closest place to pull over a shell garage, bought a car phone charger. It would not work. So I went into the shop and asked to use their phone. I called 999 as I thought he was going to throw himself off a bridge. kids are bawling crying and I am trying to reassure them but also hiding making the call as I don't want them to hear so had to lock them in car and watch from the shop window.

Police find him and bring him back, they are worried for our safety etc. We make an agreement I will drive him home but we won't talk in the car. As soon as the police leave and we are set to go he asks me to pull over so he can discuss things. I again beg him no. I say look its really late we need to leave now.

Im really clear he can not stay here.He says on way home he's looking for hotel but there are none. Not true. I say I will drop to his parents. About 2 mins from his parents. He opens Car door and get out. Again.

I sent him a text and say are you safe, if you don't reply im calling the police again. He said he was. Got home got kids into bed and now im here and I have no fucking clue what next.

I am trying to get both kids into childcare tomorrow so I can think straight. I have a professional job, do I call in sick? What reason do I give?

What do I do next? How do I keep my kids safe and out of this drama? Is he a danger, I don't honestly think so but at the same time I do feel anxious. If I say he cant see the kids he will freak out.

I have no parents, no family here. I have good friends but I cant run away.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 22/02/2022 22:19

Please contact Womens aid. They have a national helpline, you can contact them via live chat online, by email or telephone. You should also have a local number for your area. You can also contact the police who should be able to help you. You were in significant danger and I really think you need support in ensuring you and your children are safe.

Wnikat · 22/02/2022 22:20

I’ve heard of a lot of abusive men doing the fast driving thing.

What do you mean by an intense marriage?

It sounds incredibly toxic for your kids, sounds like the idea to split is the right one.

Wobblykitchen · 22/02/2022 22:21

Personally I’d make plans to leave. Just as I have boundaries regarding threats of suicide. I think you need to spend tonight evaluating the marriage. Is this just a phase that needs working on? Is anything difficult occurring in your lives right now? Or is this the escalation of a series of events?

If you feel that this behaviour is unacceptable - especially as it involved your children. Stay calm, bide your time. Start to collect paperwork and evidence. Do not worry about the house, you are marriage so will be a marital asset - unless you have in writing you are not allowed equity in the event of a split. However you have been making contributions.

Whatever you do moving forward. It sounds like he needs professional help for his emotions. It doesn’t sound safe for him to be driving, especially with your children present. I’d also be reflecting and decide whether you think it is appropriate for him to be alone with the children if his mood is this unstable. Counsellors are really good at breaking down thought processes and reasonings behind these things.

Look after yourself and your children Flowers (he is a grown adult and responsible for his own actions)

parietal · 22/02/2022 22:24

can you change the locks & keep him out of the house. then start on divorce papers.

and yes, do contact Women's Aid.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 22/02/2022 22:28

I’m very surprised the police just left you to drive him home with the children in the car given he’d threatened to kill you and himself.

mama3bears · 22/02/2022 22:37

Tell work you've got a family emergency that you need to deal with then decide what you want to do and how you can do it.

Motnight · 22/02/2022 22:37

That sounds horrendous. Hope you get some good advice from this thread, Op. You have been writing about your awful relationship for over 3 years now.

LostForWords2021 · 22/02/2022 22:42

Honestly, he is safe and you and your dc are safe, lock up properly and get some sleep. Just get rest for now so you can do tomorrow.

One day at a time.

Call in sick tomorrow with a family emergency if you need to.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 22/02/2022 23:32

@Wobblykitchen TY. I think its over. I don't know what paperwork I need to gather? He is not normally like this. He is not an abusive or violence man, he's a man with serious MH difficulties that seems to become abusive when triggered. Im not excusing it but its not black and white.I absolutely wish It was because it would be so much easier to leave. He normally drives like a pensioner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 22/02/2022 23:33

@Motnight I know, I feel like shit about that. He's been sick for 3 years. Now he says his MH is fucked because he is married to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 22/02/2022 23:34

@parietal Can I really just change the locks? that sounds implausible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 22/02/2022 23:35

@WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe I think they were unsure. I think he was very calm with them. And I said I was OK to do it. I don't know if I told them he said he would kill us because he didn't verbatim say that, he said I don't care when I said I was scared... Prob different. I think they are going to do a SS referral as they asked my sons school ;-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 22/02/2022 23:42

Ive just logged into my work email and completely freaked out, I have a massive day of work allocated to me in my absence. I literally don't know what to say about calling in sick. Family emergency won't cut it. I also have no childcare arranged for the next three days when I am due to work because my in laws were meant to have my kids.

OP posts:
MrsIglesias · 22/02/2022 23:47

This sounds absolutely horrific OP. You will need proper healing from that but in the meantime yes take the time off work (say you're ill if you need to), do research and start planning but make sure it is private, do nothing to escalate, and keep calm. Pls keep us updated. Be comforting, cheerful and calm for the kids.

MumE78 · 22/02/2022 23:48

Bless you, what a scary experience for you and the children

I'm glad you've made it home safely.

Please call the police, safety concern for your partner, his mental health like this could put him and you in danger.

I would urge you to contact the National abuse helpline, you can go online and fill in a form about your situation and specify what time and how to contact you back.

You have every right to refuse him entry into your home, lock up now!
Might be worth contacting his parents.

Stay safe x

Original poster
Mercier1 · 23/02/2022 06:14

Is this abuse? Or a man having a Mh breakdown?

OP posts:
gonnascreamsoon · 23/02/2022 06:53

OK, so instead of tackling everything all at once, just tackle the problems one at a time ?

  1. Phone work. You can either say it's a family emergency, or tell them it's a family breakdown. Either way, tell them you will not be in work for the next couple of weeks, but will get a sick line from your GP to cover any time past the 1st week of self certification.
  1. Phone GP or do an online consult. Explain the basic issue is marital breakdown and request a sick line.
  1. Phone your In-Laws and tell them about what happened. If your H is there, they need to know what's happened and how unpredictable he is at the moment. Explain that you'd like them to have the children from 10am until 7pm (or whatever), but ask that THEY supervise and do not allow H to take them anywhere alone ! (This would also give your H time with the kids)
  1. Once kids are away, phone Womens Aid and ask for advice. Phone your local police to advise them about the incident, saying you want it recorded and kept on file, as you don't know what he might do next, but that he may well be a danger to himself (and others !).
Also phone your family to let them know what's happening, so they can support you.
  1. Make an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options re staying in the house etc.
  1. Once school is back, make an appointment with them to discuss what's happened, and the possible effects it has had on the children. Hopefully the school will have some policy/help they can suggest to help the kids through this difficult time.

That's more than enough to be getting on with for now.

Alicenwonderland · 23/02/2022 08:23

It's abuse. Mental health issues don't cause people to become abusive. I excused my ex for years because I thought he was autistic. It took lots of counselling to unpick everything and make me realise it was abuse and he could help it. We were together 8 years. He's now spent 5 dragging me through the courts regarding child contact, he is ridiculously manipulative. Abuse is control, it isn't just physical. Please talk to womens aid, your brain will be so scrambled it will be impossible for you to look at your situation rationally. The threatening suicide is extremely abusive

Crystalvas · 23/02/2022 08:56

@Mercier1

Is this abuse? Or a man having a Mh breakdown?
This is abuse. The suicide threat is pure manipulation to make you do what he wants.
Original poster
Mercier1 · 23/02/2022 09:45

Can he be abusive and not know it himself?

He’s genuinely been suicidal and treated for it. I don’t think he’s a classic abuser. My head is melted. Will call women’s aid soon

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/02/2022 09:53

Gently OP, for now it doesn't matter what the label for his behaviour is. What matters is that he's not safe for your kids and you to be around.

Definitely speak to Women's Aid as soon as possible so they can talk this over with you.

Perhaps he is an abuser (he certainly sounds abusive and you say there are other issues - the suicide threats can be manipulation whether conscious or not). at heart or perhaps he is having a psychotic break.

Your priority either way needs to be him not being at home, him staying elsewhere and getting mental health treatment so your home can be a safe space for you and the kids.

He must not drive them anywhere or be alone with them.

Is there a manager or HR person at work you can tell the truth to? That your husband has been behaving in a way that meant the police had to be called and he's been removed from your home, so you need to take a couple of days off to make arrangements to keep your family safe?

Original poster
Mercier1 · 23/02/2022 10:32

I spoke to WA they have me another helpline which is engaged. She told me to take the day off and rest. But I need practical advise.

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 23/02/2022 10:39

Keep trying the helpline. They will be able to give you the practical advice.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/02/2022 11:08

@Mercier1

I spoke to WA they have me another helpline which is engaged. She told me to take the day off and rest. But I need practical advise.
Sorry I didn't mean to not give practical advice, hopefully you can get through to the line they've directed you to soon Thanks
Crystalvas · 23/02/2022 22:16

@Mercier1

Can he be abusive and not know it himself?

He’s genuinely been suicidal and treated for it. I don’t think he’s a classic abuser. My head is melted. Will call women’s aid soon

Dosn’t matter if he knows it or not he won’t change. Long term it’ll effect you more and your children.
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