Have I been in the wrong?

[MissPotatohead1]

9 years I have been with Dp. Just before Christmas told me it was over, he wanted my name off the mortgage etc. We had been unhappy a long time and he'd been threatening to leave for about a year, throughout my pregnancy too.
After He told me it was over I started texting.. and ending up sleeping a few times.. with someone else, I was vulnerable, heartbroken.. he made me feel cared for. He has actually been nothing but kind to me.
Ex is texting saying if I'm texting or done anything with anyone else he "meant less to me than he thought" and "he can't just get over it like that" making me feel like I've done wrong. And that there's no way back for us if I have. Yet he already told me there was no way back anyway??
But HE told ME it was over and he is the one that told me to F off out of his life.
I feel so guilty. Was I in wrong??

Forget who's wrong - don't whatever you do agree to come off that mortgage!

Screw him.
He cant have his cake and eat it.
Tell him you wouldnt want to go back with him even if he wanted to.

The nerves...

@MmeMeursault he was trying to force me to take my name off it ASAP. I refused and said I wanted to get advice first. I don't work as I am/was a SAHM so without him I have no income.
I've applied for universal credit, child benefit and trying to find out how to get on a council house list. He's now saying he wants to sell the house as after living on his own there it holds "too many memories"

@Shainago Do you think that's what he's trying to do, have his cake and eat it??
I know it was way too quick sleeping with someone else but he had told me in no uncertain terms it was over. I had never so much as even kissed anyone else in 9 years before this

Seems a bit quick but each to their own youve not done out wrong, I'd just be careful moving on fast with kids involved

[quote MissPotatohead1]@Shainago Do you think that's what he's trying to do, have his cake and eat it??
I know it was way too quick sleeping with someone else but he had told me in no uncertain terms it was over. I had never so much as even kissed anyone else in 9 years before this[/quote]
I think so.
Could also be that he's a lot more in the wrong in this relationship than you think he might be. Could be a way for him to justify his decision.
Could be an immature attention seeker.

Whatever the reason, he broke it off and you weren't together anymore.
How soon or late you wanted to moved is entirely up to you and there is nothing wrong with what you did.

Be careful about the mortgage thing also

Just a warning but my ex broke up with me and continued to harass me for months by shagging me and also accusing me of sleeping with other people. I have just found out that he has been sleeping with other people for the last 7 years at least!! He was trying to keep me in my place so he could make a move on trying to get money out of me.
Do not come off the mortgage. Do not leave the house if you haven't already and take legal advice asap

@Jk24 Yeh I think I'm coming to realise I wasn't really thinking straight. He never saw the children at all. He said if I need time to clear my head he'll support me whatever

Hold on a sec, if there are kids do you think this is the best time to be trying to get another boyfriend rather than focusing on them?

How do you even have time to date? I would be too busy looking for a job…

@MissPotatohead1 I'm not being judgemental but even if he's not met the kids you need to be supporting them if their family has split up

OP he sounds like an absolute cunt to be honest.

It really doesn’t matter if you shagged someone else 5 minutes after your ex left the house. He ended it. And since then he’s been a nasty piece of work making threats and trying to force you into relinquishing the rights to your home.

My advice would be grey rock him. Do not communicate unless you absolutely have to.
Get legal advice about the house and do not come off the mortgage unless it is in your interest to do so (after consulting a solicitor).

OP he’s going to try to fuck with your head and you mustn’t let him. It’s really nothing to do with him who you text, who you shag or don’t shag. It’s not his business, please do not get dragged into talking about your life with him.

He sounds like an utter scumbag and I can guarantee that if you just dig deep and find the strength to ignore / block / distance yourself from him then you’ll soon come to realise that you are so much better off without him

@Shainago thank you. Think you might be onto something with that as he says things like "ive been struggling but if you have been seeing other people it's made me realise it was the right decision" and "thank you for making me realise I'd made the right choice" I haven't told him anything just not given an answer when he's asked. He came to get our son today and I moved my phone off the chair and locked it, soon as he'd gone he text to say "I saw you hide your phone god knows how many lads you are texting"

Where would be the best place to start to get advice? I don't know where to turn and feel like he holds all the cards being the earner and quite a high one at that.

He also hasn't paid the aamount of maintenance we agreed as he pays for my car and says he "doesn't want me spending it on myself"

Name still on mortgage.. I've signed nothing yet at all!

Oh and you weren’t wrong to see someone else and the people who say you need to wait X amount of time before dating or getting involved with another man - that might be what THEY would do, but the only thing which matters Is how you feel.

If you were happy to have a bit of comforting sex with a decent bloke then good for you.

There is no rule book to how long you have to wait.

Would I get involved in another long term relationship now? No probably not.

But do I think it’s “too soon” - no. Because I dont believe in assigning arbitrary timelines to other peoples lives

[quote MissPotatohead1]@Shainago thank you. Think you might be onto something with that as he says things like "ive been struggling but if you have been seeing other people it's made me realise it was the right decision" and "thank you for making me realise I'd made the right choice" I haven't told him anything just not given an answer when he's asked. He came to get our son today and I moved my phone off the chair and locked it, soon as he'd gone he text to say "I saw you hide your phone god knows how many lads you are texting"

Where would be the best place to start to get advice? I don't know where to turn and feel like he holds all the cards being the earner and quite a high one at that.

He also hasn't paid the aamount of maintenance we agreed as he pays for my car and says he "doesn't want me spending it on myself"

Name still on mortgage.. I've signed nothing yet at all! [/quote]
He doesn’t get to decide how much he pays.

Get online to CMS and work out how much he has to pay based on his annual income.

If it’s more than you agreed then you can put in a claim, if it’s less then you may want to keep schtum, but definitely check.

@bluedodecagon no, probably not. I knew him already he wasn't a randomer and he asked if I wanted to go on a night out when ex had kids. He paid for a meal, bought my a necklace and flowers (was valentines weekend) it was the first night out I'd had since 2017 and I did really enjoy it and we did laugh a lot, more than I've laughed with ex in years and years. Then one thing just let to another.. it was actually a good night and I enjoyed his company but it's not the right time.

No, you were not in the wrong. Once he'd finished with you, you were a free agent, able to do what up wanted with anyone who wanted to join you. There are no rules on how soon after being dumped you are "allowed" to see other people. It's just down to when you feel ready. We don't get to dictate who our exes see. You can't win in his game of "shift the blame", so don't even play. You're not answerable to him any more.

Get a solicitor and tell him to go fuck himself. He doesn't get to comment on your life anymore. Speak or text only when absolutely necessary.

@Googlecanthelpme Thank you so much for your words and advice. I'd spent so many months crying for his attention and telling him I was scared he would leave me. He would say it was over and I would just cry and cry.. and he would just let me.
This time I guess I just thought sod it. This guy asked me out and he treated me lovely to be honest. When I said maybe it's not the best time hes just said "I can't say I'm not gutted but I said I'll support you so whatever you want I'll go with" so I can't fault him to be honest.

I did a calculation online of child maintenance and worked out he should be paying around £500pm it came up as. He said "seen as I'm paying for your car and phone can I pay less" I wouldn't mind but he got the car without asking me as a 'surprise' trading in my car that I'd fully paid off!

It's as though he can tell when I'm getting on with things and then starts asking who I'm seeing, making it be about my fault because I could dare speak to anyone so quickly. Making himself out to be the injured party as he says "it'll take him a long time to get over, he can't just move on like I can" very confusing.
I do wonder if he thought I wouldn't get on with life without him.

Luckily I managed to save £3000 I didn't tell him about while on furlough and then I got some redundancy pay so I might see if I can use some of that for some legal advice. But im wondering seen as I qualify for universal credit if I can get legal aid.
Ideally I'd like to take the house on, but I can't imagine I'll ever be able to.

@DivorcedAndDelighted Thank you. I've been really beating myself up about it after he'd been saying the things he has about me not having loved him if I'd been able to move on etc. I've not told him a thing he just asks questions all the time if I'm seeing anyone. and if I don't give an answer he takes my lack of response as a yes. He's got it in his head I have "hundreds of lads" lined up though. That'd be nice! 😂

[quote MissPotatohead1]@bluedodecagon no, probably not. I knew him already he wasn't a randomer and he asked if I wanted to go on a night out when ex had kids. He paid for a meal, bought my a necklace and flowers (was valentines weekend) it was the first night out I'd had since 2017 and I did really enjoy it and we did laugh a lot, more than I've laughed with ex in years and years. Then one thing just let to another.. it was actually a good night and I enjoyed his company but it's not the right time.[/quote]
If you want to carry on seeing this man, it's your choice. As others have said, be cautious about introducing a new person to the children, and protect yourself - be aware of the ways you are vulnerable, perhaps. But don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed a boyfriend. You can give your children all the support they need and still have a life yourself.

@DivorcedAndDelighted thank you ❤️ as I've said he's actually been nothing but kind to me. It was probably more me who instigated anything physical, it made a change to have someone be kind and make me laugh!
I think I'm just going to play it by ear.
Ex just made me feel so guilty as though because not much time had passed if I had done anything with anyone it was like I had cheated.

Youve not cheated and don't need to feel guilty. Hes finished the relationship and moved out

You’ve not done anything else! Honestly just ignore his childish comments! Also you won’t be able to get your mortgage payments covered by UC if you did stay in your house! Good luck and enjoy your new found freedom!!

Ahh you silly Billy, you're not playing the game correctly, don't you realise that you're supposed to be gutted that he's dumped you, that he's withholding child support and trying to ensure that you don't get your hands on your share of the home?
You're supposed to be sat crying, crushed and devastated that you've lost this prince of a man.
How dare you move on, how dare you enjoy the company of another man that's treated you nicely.
It's now all your fault 🙄
Seriously hun, do not engage with the arsehole, put a claim in for the DC, sort out any benefits, get some legal advice and disengage, only interact with him over contact for the DC.
Trust me, life moves on, don't waste another second on this twat, you'll look back one day and think you had a lucky escape ❤️

I don’t care about your ex. He so Honda abusive. But the new guy sniffing around whilst you are vulnerable is a distraction. Look at how it’s complicated things here.

There are women on mumsnet who can’t be single. They always swing from guy to guy and often times those guys are abusive.

Please don’t depend on this man. Learn to depend on yourself. Try to imagine life without him. Single life with your children. That way if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be fine.