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Original poster

Said he has enough friends already!

58 replies

MarianaG · 22/02/2022 19:12

I started talking to someone about 6 months ago, after I'd split from my ex. He got in touch with me. He knew I wasn't over my ex at the time and knew I was not looking for a relationship, because I actually said this to him. I thought we had become friends. We talked a lot. Sometimes we were a bit flirty and on occasion did cross the line of friendship and had sex. And there were some feelings on my side, but nothing I wanted to act on because I didn't want a relationship. With anyone. If we'd met at a different time in my life then, yes, it would have been different.
Then things started to get a bit weird between us and he said this whole time he's been hoping I'd change my mind about a relationship, but he can see I'm not going to. He said he has enough friends and doesn't need another one, so wants nothing more to do with me.
It really hurts. I'm not good enough to be his friend? But would be OK for a relationship? I don't get it.
I know I need to get over it and he's entitled to feel how he feels and never speak to me again if thats what he wants, I can't change that, but it's so hard to be cut out of someone's life like that.
I know it probably looks like I was being selfish and leading him on. Maybe I was but I honestly didnt mean to. I was always honest about not wanting a relationship. He did make me happy and I enjoyed his company. Ireally valued our friendship.
Now I feel a bit used and like the whole relationship between us was fake on his side and just some ploy to try and get me to date him/have sex with him! I feel like he's punishing me for not wanting to take things further by taking away his friendship. He never really cared about me did he? He has walked away from our 'friendship' because I won't have a romantic relationship with him.

OP posts:
Cimone · 22/02/2022 20:59

Lady, you're weird. YOU chose to go to the next level and sleep with him, knowing full well that he liked you for more than friendship. This is your fault. You did "relationship" activities then turned around talking about let's be friends.

Normal people don't sleep with their friends, they sleep with LOVERS. And when you are being a LOVER there is some kind of implied relationship.

If you really just wanted to be friends, you were not supposed to pull off your knickers and jump into bed with the man. But you did. So there is no point in whining about it and trying to make it seem like HE is wrong for getting your confused, mixed message self out of his life. All that is happening here you brought on yourself.

SW1amp · 22/02/2022 21:15

@MarianaG

I didn't know he wanted more. He's literally just dropped that on me now. He knew the situation and I thought he was ok with it. I wouldn't have had sex with him if I knew he wanted more from me.
You spent SIX MONTHS flirting and having sex

Surely you’re not so naïve to not realise that means someone likes you?

Are you very young..?

CrumpetStrumpet · 22/02/2022 21:30

He has feelings for you which mean that just being friends would be difficult and probably painful for him.

You need to respect his wishes and leave him alone. You can't have it both ways and it would be unfair to try and pursue further contact with him.

GeneLovesJezebel · 22/02/2022 21:33

He got the sex he wanted, now he’s moving onto the next one.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 22/02/2022 21:40

I agree that it could just as easily be said that you used him, than the other way around.

Would you want to be friends with him now anyway, knowing he would always wish it was something else? Wouldn't that be really awkward? You surely have enough friends too not to need that.

If you're thinking to yourself that you liked the friendship and you liked the sex and you'd be fine for both to continue.. then my question is - how is that different to the idea of 'being in a relationship' with him?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 22/02/2022 21:43

@VodselForDinner

Now I feel a bit used

Why? It sounds to me like you used him.

Mixing friendship and sex. Recipe for confusion, hurt and bafflement.
SilverGlassHare · 22/02/2022 21:44

@GeneLovesJezebel

He got the sex he wanted, now he’s moving onto the next one.
This is such a skewed interpretation. It must be so tiring seeing the worst in everyone all the time.
grapewine · 22/02/2022 21:47

@GeneLovesJezebel

He got the sex he wanted, now he’s moving onto the next one.
It is always the man's fault, eh? Except this isn't. OP was the one with the mixed messages.
DivorcedAndDelighted · 22/02/2022 22:06

@MarianaG

I don't feel like I 'rejected' him. He knew the situation the whole time as to why I can't be in a relationship with anyone. Why did he even pursue anything with me in the first place if he was looking for a relationship the whole time. I wish he had just stayed away. Why try and get involved with someone that you know has just had a difficult break up. I thought he was being my friend. I feel like he's pulled me in by being my friend and now he's throwing me away. He started this whole thing between us. I do have feelings for him. I guess that why it hurts. And I'm looking for someone to blame. So ok, I am probably being unreasonable.
You are being so unreasonable it's making my eyes hurt reading it! People's feelings change all the time and you'll find plenty of people in happy relationships who started out by saying they "didn't want a relationship" but then find that actually they did want to be with someone after all. You cannot tell how your feelings will develop in future. It's unreasonable of you to criticise him simply for being human. It's not "using" someone to have consensual sex while hoping that their feelings for you will develop into something more, as he did. And now you say you have feelings for him - you are human too! Can't really see what the problem is here.... If you are clear that you don't want to take things further, stay away from him.
DivorcedAndDelighted · 22/02/2022 22:09

@GeneLovesJezebel

He got the sex he wanted, now he’s moving onto the next one.
Eh? He wants a relationship with her, so he's only moving on because she won't have him. What a bastard! Hmm He's protecting himself, as women are told to all the time on here, if they want their Friend With Benefits to become a boyfriend but he doesn't want to change things.
Loopytiles · 22/02/2022 22:13

‘Can’t’ have a relationship, with him or someone else - seems more likely you’ve decided not to, which is fair enough.

It was clearly never a friendship.

If you’re looking for new friends, avoid people you’re attracted to or have had sex and / or lots of attraction with!

NeverChange · 22/02/2022 22:19

You are being so unreasonable.

You saying if he liked me surely he would want to be friends.

He is saying if she liked me, surely she would want a relationship.

If you feel rejected over friendship, can you imagine how rejected he feels. He's ok yo hang out with, flirt with and sleep with but just not good enough to be upgraded to boyfriend.

It's not healthy to remain friends with someone where you have feelings with them.

shivermetimbers77 · 22/02/2022 22:20

He’s doing what people are advised to do on here all the time: he wanted a relationship, you don’t) fair enough your choice) but he is cutting contact as he doesn’t want to languish in the painful ‘friend zone’. It’s hard to lose him, I know, but I don’t see anything wrong with what he is doing.

KittyWindbag · 22/02/2022 22:43

I think you’ve both been a bit unreasonable with your poor communications. Sex has muddied the waters and made him think that a relationship is possible. Of course he probably feels it’s a bit painful to just be friends if he really likes you romantically. His wording and seeming ultimatum has upset you because you thought you were being clear.

wingscrow · 22/02/2022 22:44

I am sorry but you gave him mixed signals...

If you had sex with the guy, you can't blame him for thinking you might want to be more than just friends.

It makes absolute sense that he now does not want to continue to interact with you because you can't be friend with someone you have feelings for.

He is simply protecting himself from getting hurt any further.

Don't sleep with people you only want to be friend with.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 23:11

@MarianaG

I don't feel like I 'rejected' him. He knew the situation the whole time as to why I can't be in a relationship with anyone. Why did he even pursue anything with me in the first place if he was looking for a relationship the whole time. I wish he had just stayed away. Why try and get involved with someone that you know has just had a difficult break up. I thought he was being my friend. I feel like he's pulled me in by being my friend and now he's throwing me away. He started this whole thing between us. I do have feelings for him. I guess that why it hurts. And I'm looking for someone to blame. So ok, I am probably being unreasonable.
FFS you need to grow up & start taking responsibility for your own actions.

Why try and get involved with someone that you know has just had a difficult break up.
Why did you shag get involved with a friend when you had just had a difficult break up?

You knew he was into you. If you wanted his friendship, you should have acted like a friend, & not toyed with his feelings by jumping into bed with him.
You said it yourself - you crossed the line of friendship.

I do have feelings for him. I guess that why it hurts.
Not strong enough to want a relationship with him.
Not as strong as his feelings for you, which you choose to completely disregard in favour of your own.

If you were posting about a bloke who did this to you, PP would all be saying he'd used you. Just like you used this man - for sex, & to take your mind off your difficult break up.
He's now feeling hurt, & no doubt used. He was honest with you about his feelings. He's not in the right place to be your friend OP.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 23:13

He started this whole thing between us.

There you go again, assigning culpability when you know damn well it takes two to tango.

phizog · 22/02/2022 23:29

Do you normally sleep with all your 'friends'?

You were friends-with-benefits. And you obviously didn't see him as a friend because you.had.sex.with.him. So not sure why you think he walked away from a 'friendship'?

So he's developed feelings, doesn't want to carry on your arrangement and has been considerate enough to be honest and explain why.

So be a good 'friend', have empathy that he is looking after his own mental health (just like you did by not dating him), and accept that whatever you had is over. You're feeling upset because you probably enjoyed the attention and company as it distracted you from dealing with your breakup. So stop dating, focus on yourself and appreciate him for what he added to your life during a difficult time.

RantyAunty · 22/02/2022 23:38

He was never a friend.
He's a vulture. They wait around ready to pounce as soon as a woman's relationship ends.

You told him you didn't want a relationship but he kept hanging around hoping you gave in.
You ended up having a few shags and now he's sulking you don't want a relationship even though you made it clear from the beginning.

DatingDinosaur · 22/02/2022 23:50

So you have feelings for him, are shagging him, but don’t want a relationship with him?

So you’ve used him as a way of getting over your ex then? To boost your flagging ego because he liked you?

I’ll wager he was hoping that, in time, you might see him as proper boyfriend material and become official. Now he’s realised that’s not going to happen and he’s decided enough’s enough. Because he’s got feelings for you beyond just a FWB, he can’t be “just friends”.

He would constantly be hoping for more. A relationship. An actual, meaningful relationship. Which you’ve told him you don’t want.

Can you really not understand why he can’t be “just friends” with you?

user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 23:56

This reply has been deleted

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Kite22 · 22/02/2022 23:58

I know this is relationships but I agree with almost everyone else that you are being so unreasonable in your interpretation of this.
How you can even suggest that you feel used, when you are the one who has continued to see him, chat with him, flirt with him and have sex with him when you were adamant you didn't want a relationship at all is beyond me.
He clearly liked you a lot, and hoped your initial conversation about not wanting a relationship was how you felt before you got to know him and that your feelings would grow as you got to know him (as many relationships do). You have led him on with that hope for months. You don't have sex with a friend you don't have feelings for.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/02/2022 00:00

You're not friends if you're shagging

I have never shagged any of my friends

DryOldCaper · 23/02/2022 01:33

Sometimes we were a bit flirty and on occasion did cross the line of friendship and had sex.

You lost any moral high ground here.

You can’t tell someone you just want a friendship, sleep with them, and then be all ‘what, why….?’ when they believed that meant you wanted more and are not happy about it.

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