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Original poster

Do I move closer to family, away from DP?

37 replies

ConfusedJess85 · 22/02/2022 16:50

So I live in Berkshire, but I grew up in Bath. I have thought many times about moving back but haven’t done it yet. My parents live there, my brother and my ex husband and his family.
I am in Berkshire with my 2 kids.

I have a partner who lives 30 minutes from me. He also has 2 kids who he has 35% of the time, and he does school runs mid week.

We have been together for 2 years now (obviously through a pandemic) but we don’t get to see each other much. I have realised he wouldn’t move to my town because it would be 30 minutes from his kids. He wants me to move my kids school and go to him, or at least closer. Despite that being closer to work I am reluctant to move to a more built up, suburban area, leave my friends and uproot my children just to be closer to him.

He would never move closer to my family so I feel like I have to choose between them and him.

Any advice appreciated. I’m taking some time away from him to make a decision, but I’m finding it very hard to decide.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/02/2022 17:00

30 minutes is nothing
Continue dating
Move only if it is best for you and your dc
Which might be closer to your family

LatentPhase · 22/02/2022 19:15

Sounds like you don’t want to move nearer to him.

Are you happy enough to stay put? If you don’t know what to do, probably the best thing to do is nothing. Unless you are feeling drawn back to family.

30mins is nothing!!! If the kids are young and settled 30mins is a small sacrifice.

Opentooffers · 22/02/2022 19:28

30 mins away is not that far, so it's not distance that is keeping you from seeing each other. How often do yo manage? It sounds like you are struggling with the amount of contact, so it's up to you to decide if the relationship is worth the angst, or can you organise more time together.

Original poster
ConfusedJess85 · 22/02/2022 20:05

30 minutes isn’t that far, but he says it’s too far for him to move away from the kids. We get every other weekend essentially. I know that’s more than some get.

I am feeling drawn to family, but I think knowing that he’s not willing to make the move to me is pushing me more in that direction.
My kids are 2 hours from their dad (his choice) so my life would be easier if they were closer to him.
If we can’t live together and have a normal relationship I’m wondering if it’s worth staying here for 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 22/02/2022 20:08

When you meet up, who travels the 30 mins?

Original poster
ConfusedJess85 · 22/02/2022 21:28

Usually him, as I have my kids most of the time

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 22/02/2022 21:30

Do not base your life on what a partner wants. Live where it’s best for you and your kids.

Loopytiles · 22/02/2022 21:34

He’s not your ‘partner’ based on the info you’ve shared: it’s just dating.

If you have good job, social, housing, schools prospects in Bath and - boyfriend aside - would prefer it, would move there. Which would probably mean the end of your relationship.

Understandable that he wishes to remain near his DC, but not - when you live only 30 mins apart - that he wants you to relocate your DC for no reason other than him.

Loopytiles · 22/02/2022 21:35

Wouldn’t assume though that if you move your ex will ‘step up’ etc.

Good fathers not in a relationship with their DCs’ mother don’t usually move 2 hours away.

Original poster
ConfusedJess85 · 22/02/2022 21:38

He’s not a good father, and i know there’s a risk he could move again!

OP posts:
marlowe5 · 22/02/2022 21:38

I think if you are needing to think about this you have your answer. And personally if someone thought I needed to uproot my DC's schools that would make me question things since it's not a precedent that you might want to set,
with your DC's stability lower on list of priorities.

Eddielizzard · 22/02/2022 21:46

How would you feel if you moved closer to Bath and that was the end of your relationship? I don't get the feeling you feel that strongly about him. I get the feeling you're a bit resentful at him expecting you to make all the sacrifices and taking all the risks.

Original poster
ConfusedJess85 · 22/02/2022 22:13

@marlowe5

I think if you are needing to think about this you have your answer. And personally if someone thought I needed to uproot my DC's schools that would make me question things since it's not a precedent that you might want to set, with your DC's stability lower on list of priorities.
I think it’s the double standards that I find hard. He would never do that, but I am expected to.
OP posts:
Loopytiles · 22/02/2022 22:15

He wants you to: you don’t have to.

Would live wherever would be best for you and your DC overall, taking your boyfriend out of the equation.

Original poster
ConfusedJess85 · 22/02/2022 22:17

@Eddielizzard

How would you feel if you moved closer to Bath and that was the end of your relationship? I don't get the feeling you feel that strongly about him. I get the feeling you're a bit resentful at him expecting you to make all the sacrifices and taking all the risks.
I do love him, but the challenges of both being very involved parents means we can’t live like a normal couple and I find that frustrating. Everything is a compromise. I do resent that my kids would be making the sacrifice- it’s just not something I’m willing to do. I think my choice is to stay dating and living apart for the foreseeable future, or move away and end the relationship. He’s given me a week to decide if I want to move.
OP posts:
LatentPhase · 22/02/2022 23:44

He has given you a week to decide if you want to move? Then what? What does this even mean??!

‘Normal relationship’ post divorce, both of you have kids. So if by ‘normal’ you’re thinking ‘relationship without complications of kids with different exes, contact schedules, being settled in different locations’. It doesn’t exist (sorry to point of the obvious). Best to let go of the notion of something uncomplicated.

You don’t need to move. But you do need to makes sacrifices (thems the breaks post divorce relationships where there are kids). It’s probably appropriate that your relationship stays in the dating phase. Only you can decided if it’s worth it.

HollowTalk · 22/02/2022 23:53

Why would you even think of doing something that he wouldn't dream of doing himself? You only see him every now and then. You can't base where you live on that!

DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 00:02

If he's not a good father why want him in your kids lives anyway? Or in yours for that matter 🤷‍♀️

JustALittleHelpPlease · 23/02/2022 03:17

Going in the little you've said here I'm not getting a great vibe about your new relationship, why the ultimatum? why is it your kids making all the sacrifices? why the need to control the timescales? why does your gut make you want to move home?

Loopytiles · 23/02/2022 06:23

‘Given you a week’?

It’s not his place to suggest a timescale for your personal decisions.

Is he saying that unless you agree, now, to do certain things he wants, eg live where you are, or relocate your DC for him, that he will end the relationship?

If so, wouldn’t do what he says and would walk away.

TopCatsTopHat · 23/02/2022 06:51

Everything is shouting don't move to me!
Arbitrary deadlines! What's that even about, if he was about to sign on a lease that he could only afford if you join him maybe, but otherwise that's just unnecessary pressure.
I think if you've been together for 2 years, seeing each other part time only and through a pandemic at that I would be surprised if you know him well enough to be throwing all your lives into his without that being taking a bit of a chance. Why has he completly dismissed him moving to you so easily, because it would inconvenience him? Seems like he isn't very committed and wants the cohabiting on his terms only. I'd be wary of that.
You're leaning to be nearer family, personally I think your gut feeling is the one you should be listening to here. It's certainly less likely to be the one that's turns out badly.

OverTheRubicon · 23/02/2022 07:00

He’s given me a week to decide if I want to move

This makes him sound like a bit of an arse - 1 week or what, he stops visiting you? Goes back on Tinder? Hmm

It sounds like you're his activity on the weekend he doesn't have kids, which can be fine, but to me none of this signals real commitment on his part - which is pretty reasonable if you're both involved parents and blended families can be tough.

Bath is a lovely place, living next to parents can be wonderful for the time spent together as well as for practical support on both sides, and I think you'd likely regret miss out on spending time with family in order to see a partner who is not a real life partner at this point, and gives you one week ultimatums to make major life decisions.

Mumdiva99 · 23/02/2022 07:03

How old are your kids?
Do you have to move anywhere?
How come dad moved 2 hours away? Is it a 2 hour drive back to Bath?
Would dad be more involved if you moved back to Bath?
What's the benefit to you of moving at all?
Why now? - you git through the worst when you and husband split and now are doing OK

(I do think BF has a sort of point about putting a time frame on decisions as if this isn't progressing as he likes it may have reached the end of its life..... however...... you are doing the right thing questioning everything too. What if you made this move and it didn't work out between the 2 of you? What if it did and you were in a town you don't like and your friends are elsewhere.

gonnascreamsoon · 23/02/2022 07:12

You already know he's being totally unreasonable.

You don't want to uproot your kids, particularly when HE'S not prepared to ! (And 30 mins isn't even a normal commute distance in an average city ffs ! There's actually no reason why you couldn't be seeing each other a LOT more frequently than every other weekend ! It might take some EFFORT, but it seems that you're not worth the 'effort' for him ?)

HE'S decided that YOU and YOUR kids must make the 'sacrifice', so that HE and HIS kids don't need to !

And furthermore, HE'S decided that you get one week to make this massive decision ? Hmm

Ermm, NOPE !

If you wanted to, you could give him one more chance to be reasonable, and suggest that you BOTH move 15 mins closer to each other ?? (But I'd bet money on him finding loads of reasons why THAT wouldn't 'suit' HIM too !)

Sounds like the 'relationship' (though it's never actually developed beyond 'dating', has it ? Hmm) has run it's course.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 23/02/2022 07:17

I would not move for a man who has given me a week to decide if I'm going to uproot my children for him.