Do I move closer to family, away from DP?

[ConfusedJess85]

So I live in Berkshire, but I grew up in Bath. I have thought many times about moving back but haven’t done it yet. My parents live there, my brother and my ex husband and his family.
I am in Berkshire with my 2 kids.

I have a partner who lives 30 minutes from me. He also has 2 kids who he has 35% of the time, and he does school runs mid week.

We have been together for 2 years now (obviously through a pandemic) but we don’t get to see each other much. I have realised he wouldn’t move to my town because it would be 30 minutes from his kids. He wants me to move my kids school and go to him, or at least closer. Despite that being closer to work I am reluctant to move to a more built up, suburban area, leave my friends and uproot my children just to be closer to him.

He would never move closer to my family so I feel like I have to choose between them and him.

Any advice appreciated. I’m taking some time away from him to make a decision, but I’m finding it very hard to decide.

I'd be telling your boyfriend to fuck off, today preferably. He sounds like a controlling arsehole.

Do you want / need to move? Why are you now considering a move to Bath?

So my kids are 7 and 5. The only reason I’m thinking about it now is my job is more flexible than it has been before, and with my eldest looking at moving to middle school next year a change soon would make sense. Plus my parents are getting older and I’m aware they need my support as much as I need theirs. BUT it’s not that easy, and house prices in Bath are insane. Almost worse that the south east. Certainly not affordable for a single parent.

The ex moved there (away from us) to be closer to his parents.. but he also moved to America for 2 years straight after we split so he will never choose to base himself near the kids

The BF didn’t give me an ultimatum exactly, he just wants me to decide now if I want to move to bath or not. He’s scared I’ll leave it 6 months or another year and then decide to go.. which to be fair is a possibility and wouldn’t be fair on him.

What’s your contracted location of work? If it’s not commutable from Bath wouldn’t assume you could retain your current job upon moving there. A lot of employers’ longer term policies on location of work are unclear at present.

Would consider all your potential options ‘in the round’ - my personal top 3 were proximity to jobs, schools and housing.

It’s not ‘unfair’ of you to keep the option of relocating on the table, for yourself and your DC. If your boyfriend wouldn’t want to date you with the possibility you might move away, his choice.

@Loopytiles

What’s your contracted location of work? If it’s not commutable from Bath wouldn’t assume you could retain your current job upon moving there. A lot of employers’ longer term policies on location of work are unclear at present.

Would consider all your potential options ‘in the round’ - my personal top 3 were proximity to jobs, schools and housing.

It’s not ‘unfair’ of you to keep the option of relocating on the table, for yourself and your DC. If your boyfriend wouldn’t want to date you with the possibility you might move away, his choice.

Weybridge, 30 minutes from where I live now. So my current set up works well, being close to the kids school, not far from work.. which is another reason why I’ve decided against moving in the past. It’s taken time to build the set up I have now.

Moving away would leave me with a 2 hour commute, but possibly only once a fortnight.

The BF didn’t give me an ultimatum exactly, he just wants me to decide now if I want to move to bath or not. He’s scared I’ll leave it 6 months or another year and then decide to go.. which to be fair is a possibility and wouldn’t be fair on him.

Why wouldn't it be fair on him? These are massive decisions with a huge impact. It's very reasonable to decide to move in 6 months or whenever the fuck you want! What's the problem with waiting 6 months? Why does it have to be in the next week? That is extremely UNreasonable.

The BF didn’t give me an ultimatum exactly, he just wants me to decide now if I want to move to bath or not. He’s scared I’ll leave it 6 months or another year and then decide to go.. which to be fair is a possibility and wouldn’t be fair on him.

He needs to decide if he wants to continue the relationship with this uncertainty unresolved. Instead he’s pushing you to make an untimely decision. Don’t feel pressured to make a huge decision now. He’s got this discomfort and instead of sitting with it and resolving it for himself, he’s sent you into a tailspin and making it your problem. We all make relationship decisions with a level of uncertainty, don’t try to control other person.

Is it definite that you would only have to commute every couple of weeks?

If you had to get a new job, are there good options in Bath?

OP, I would not be basing any life changing decisions which will have such an impact on yourself and your dc's on your relationship with this man. You have dated for 2 years but as you say, this was during covid. Even now you see each other every other weekend, so twice a month. Over 2 years this is not enough time to know if you should uproot your children for him.

Also, if you are only 30 minutes apart now, how will moving closer mean you will see more of each other?

@ConfusedJess85

So my kids are 7 and 5. The only reason I’m thinking about it now is my job is more flexible than it has been before, and with my eldest looking at moving to middle school next year a change soon would make sense. Plus my parents are getting older and I’m aware they need my support as much as I need theirs. BUT it’s not that easy, and house prices in Bath are insane. Almost worse that the south east. Certainly not affordable for a single parent.

The ex moved there (away from us) to be closer to his parents.. but he also moved to America for 2 years straight after we split so he will never choose to base himself near the kids

The BF didn’t give me an ultimatum exactly, he just wants me to decide now if I want to move to bath or not. He’s scared I’ll leave it 6 months or another year and then decide to go.. which to be fair is a possibility and wouldn’t be fair on him.

So giving you a week because he wants to know now wasn't an ultimatum?

He wants you to decide now but theres no action or decision coming on his part after that?

What happens at the end of the week then? Why say you've got a week to decide?
Decide within a week or... Er, well, don't actually, it doesn't matter. Nothing will change and we'll just carry on as we are, nothing about our relationship will change nothing will be taken off the table.

Bit weird to set a time frame for you to make a decision. Or not. With no changes in his mind after that point.

I want to know by X date usually comes with something that happens after X date.

He’s pushing you to make a massively significant any life decision (which impacts not only you but your dc, your family) as a salve for his insecure feelings?

You’re letting this feed into your own desire for stability. Don’t let it. All very unhealthy. You do you. And your dc. You’re the only stability they have. If BF can’t cope with the uncertainty (life is chock full of certainty) that’s on him.

Sounds like an ultimatum to me, sorry. Move to Bath if your standard of living will be good or better for you and your children and the upheaval for them will be minimal. Remove this arrogant fecker from the equation. How bloody dare he?? I regularly, within a 24 hour period, took a bus, a train, a 4 hour flight and then a 2 hour bus journey at the other end to see my ex. People make an effort when they care. 30 minutes is NOTHING. 2 hours can be worked out. Your "boyfriend" is a selfish twat.

@IrishKatie1971

Sounds like an ultimatum to me, sorry. Move to Bath if your standard of living will be good or better for you and your children and the upheaval for them will be minimal. Remove this arrogant fecker from the equation. How bloody dare he?? I regularly, within a 24 hour period, took a bus, a train, a 4 hour flight and then a 2 hour bus journey at the other end to see my ex. People make an effort when they care. 30 minutes is NOTHING. 2 hours can be worked out. Your "boyfriend" is a selfish twat.

I agree. We only get every other weekend anyway, so why does a 2 hour drive matter. Im going to tell him I won’t be able to make a decision until I’m ready, and if that means it’s the end, then so be it.