Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP pressuring me into sex

49 replies

noirnor · 22/02/2022 16:09

Reposting here instead as didn't do well on AIBU, and I really could do with some advice. I'm driving myself up the wall here!

I usually have quite a high sex drive and me and DP of 1 year usually sleep together regularly.

Since the start of Jan we've been going through a bit of a rough patch, I've felt disconnected and my sex drive has been much lower. We're still sleeping together but way, way less than we were before.

DP brings it up every so often and I explain. We're working through things and our sex life has improved over the past couple of weeks but not where it was before. He has offered to give me oral a lot but I haven't felt like it, I haven't given it to him properly in ages and I know he really likes it but I just don't feel like it.

He says he won't ask again because it makes him feel cheap and like he's begging. He also says when he asks for sex and I say no, and then decide to after he says "come on" or similar a few times, it makes him feel shit.

It also frustrates/upsets him when I say we will have sex later but it doesn't end up happening.

Today he said "I've really been wanting head recently" and I told him I would give it to him at the weekend when he was home. He asked if I actually wanted to and I said yes, and explained again how my sex drive is down at the moment.

He asked if I thought it would ever go back to normal and I said yes, I think so.

I said that all the pressure surrounding it doesn't help and he said that "7 weeks of it being low will cause pressure in any relationship".

Is he right about that last statement?

OP posts:
Original poster
noirnor · 22/02/2022 16:10

He also said that giving oral has nothing to do with sex drive and doesn't understand why I can't just give him that but not have sex.

And he said "I know that you wouldn’t have to pressure me into giving you head if my sex drive was low"

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 16:23

He sounds like an arsehole, this has only been going on since January but yet it sounds like arguments and conversations about this have been frequent.
Has he given you any time at all where he actually stopped pressuring you?

He wants you to magically want sex with him. It doesn't work like that.

Also saying that giving oral has nothing to do with sex is untrue, oral sex is sex.

blacksax · 22/02/2022 16:25

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings, does he?
Just so long as you suck his dick for him.

Whatwouldscullydo · 22/02/2022 16:27

He sounds a dick

Only caring about getting laid amd not actually realising he'd get laid if he actually reflected on and tried to improve the issues in the relationship.

The fact he doesn't care how you feel provided you give him.a blow job is a massive red flag. If you are like this after a yr I'd not waste Another year on him. It should not be this hard after a year.

Ionlydomassiveones · 22/02/2022 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Sweetlikejollof · 22/02/2022 16:30

What the actual fuck? Are his hands broken?

You don’t need to ‘explain’ or justify not wanting to have sex with this man. You are not a blow up doll that exists for his pleasure. You are also not required to orally ‘service’ him when you do not wish to.

His attitude towards you is disgusting and the things that he’s saying to you are disgusting.

Think about healthy long term relationships. With kids and sickness and travel and conflicting work schedules and just life, in general. Do you think that you can have any of that with the sort of person who would inform you that ‘7 weeks without sex would put pressure on any relationship’?

What is the reason for your rough patch? Is he being a knob in other ways?

Ragwort · 22/02/2022 16:34

You've only been together for a year .... do you live together? Just end it, he sounds unpleasant and needy - and anyone asking for sex in such away surely is a turn off.

Kimilybob · 22/02/2022 16:35

Apparently discussing sexual needs makes people arseholes!

He sounds perfectly normal, and ita good hes discissing it with you and trying to understand how you feel rather than keeping it in and going elsewhere.

Sex frequency is one of those things that can take a lot of negotiation and work to get right.

Good luck

ItsCanardBruv · 22/02/2022 16:37

Oral is nothing to do with sex? You OK Monica hon?

Hopefullyoneday12 · 22/02/2022 16:38

Do you know what happened, did something spark this?

When my partner sent messages to another female (flirty ones) I lost my sex drive for him for a long time. I have to really feel like I can trust someone to get in to good sex, unless there's that very first flame of romance.

Bagelsandbrie · 22/02/2022 16:39

Do you really want to spend potentially the rest of your life like this? He sounds horrible. One year in and he’s like this? He can fuck off.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 22/02/2022 16:42

Text him you have got him a nice gift....
When he gets back throw him a box of tissues
.
My ex used to grab me whilst I was washing up and ask if I fancied a shag later..
Later never came people..

And I never did either!
Urgh grim op.

Sweetlikejollof · 22/02/2022 16:45

@Kimilybob

Apparently discussing sexual needs makes people arseholes!

He sounds perfectly normal, and ita good hes discissing it with you and trying to understand how you feel rather than keeping it in and going elsewhere.

Sex frequency is one of those things that can take a lot of negotiation and work to get right.

Good luck

He also said that giving oral has nothing to do with sex drive and doesn't understand why I can't just give him that but not have sex

That sounds ‘perfectly normal’ to you?

RedToothBrush · 22/02/2022 16:45

7 weeks? I take it you don't have kids.

If not, don't.

Consent isn't valid if you are under undue pressure and are coerced.

He doesn't respect you and love you. He just thinks you are there to serve his sexual needs.

If he thinks its a deal breaker in the relationship, then respect his wishes and ditch him.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 16:47

@Kimilybob

Apparently discussing sexual needs makes people arseholes!

He sounds perfectly normal, and ita good hes discissing it with you and trying to understand how you feel rather than keeping it in and going elsewhere.

Sex frequency is one of those things that can take a lot of negotiation and work to get right.

Good luck

He's not discussing, he's demanding.

He wants sex or a BJ whether OP feels up to it or not, he doesn't give a shit about her feelings & isn't interested in what has caused her 'blip' - he just wants sex, & feels she should provide it no matter how she's feeling.

But I suspect you know that @Kimilybob, & are on a wind-up ...
If you don't, you need the Tea Video. Seriously.

Opentooffers · 22/02/2022 16:48

Well, a rough patch would put any woman off. Sadly some men separate sex from how a relationship is going. He's now perpetuating it though and he's showing you how, if you had a life together in future, he'd expect you to put out regardless of all the strifes life throws at you. Need this as a warning to you, when life gets tough, he will add to the pressure rather than supporting you - it's not a future you should want.
Are your troubles actually dealt with anyway? You say you are working on them, but until they are over, he should understand and bide his time and sort himself out if needs be.

user1481840227 · 22/02/2022 16:49

@Kimilybob

Apparently discussing sexual needs makes people arseholes!

He sounds perfectly normal, and ita good hes discissing it with you and trying to understand how you feel rather than keeping it in and going elsewhere.

Sex frequency is one of those things that can take a lot of negotiation and work to get right.

Good luck

It does when someone suffers from what could potentially be a short drop in libido and then the other person keeps bringing it up and tries to guilt the other person into having sex.

I have sympathy for people when the situation is ongoing and the low libido partner won't be honest about it, but in this particular situation he is a complete arsehole.

AnotherDelphinium · 22/02/2022 16:55

^I said that all the pressure surrounding it doesn't help and he said that "7 weeks of it being low will cause pressure in any relationship".

Is he right about that last statement?^

Nope. He’s not. If you’re down and low and he actually loved and cared about you, he’d be going out his way to pick you up and “sort himself out” in the bang round.

He’d be taking any pressures he could off you, and offering you cuddles and foot rubs, making it clear they’re stand alone events and that to help reassure you they come with a 24 hour sex ban.

He isn’t. He’s an absolute arse and would be better with a blow up doll. What does he add to your life? Because right now it feels like SFA.

AnotherDelphinium · 22/02/2022 16:55

Gah. Background. Not bang round!

RedToothBrush · 22/02/2022 16:56

@noirnor

He also said that giving oral has nothing to do with sex drive and doesn't understand why I can't just give him that but not have sex.

And he said "I know that you wouldn’t have to pressure me into giving you head if my sex drive was low"

He thinks pressure is at all appropriate? That sentence alone says 'i think its ok to bully women into performing sexual favours' and should result in you ditching him faster than a one hour amazon delivery.
Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2022 16:58

Fucking hell, what a shitbag. Do you really think you can't do better than this twat? My skin is crawling just reading about him. No wonder you've gone off him. Get rid and find a real man.

Ramalamadingdongs · 22/02/2022 17:00

Your instincts are correct. It shouldn't be this much hard work after a year.

CallMeDaddy58 · 22/02/2022 17:15

@Kimilybob

Apparently discussing sexual needs makes people arseholes!

He sounds perfectly normal, and ita good hes discissing it with you and trying to understand how you feel rather than keeping it in and going elsewhere.

Sex frequency is one of those things that can take a lot of negotiation and work to get right.

Good luck

This is pathetic. She’s supposed to just be grateful he is t going elsewhere?

Saying, “I can’t see why you can’t just suck me off even though you don’t feel like it” isn’t discussing the issue…

LadyDanburysHat · 22/02/2022 17:16

7 weeks of less sex. Not no sex, just less. He's an utter prick!

dreammattemousse · 22/02/2022 17:18

If you haven't got kids together (which I'm assuming you don't) then it's a nice, clean breakup

Which is good news

You deserve to be treated better than a blow up doll..