DP pressuring me into sex

[noirnor]

Reposting here instead as didn't do well on AIBU, and I really could do with some advice. I'm driving myself up the wall here!

I usually have quite a high sex drive and me and DP of 1 year usually sleep together regularly.

Since the start of Jan we've been going through a bit of a rough patch, I've felt disconnected and my sex drive has been much lower. We're still sleeping together but way, way less than we were before.

DP brings it up every so often and I explain. We're working through things and our sex life has improved over the past couple of weeks but not where it was before. He has offered to give me oral a lot but I haven't felt like it, I haven't given it to him properly in ages and I know he really likes it but I just don't feel like it.

He says he won't ask again because it makes him feel cheap and like he's begging. He also says when he asks for sex and I say no, and then decide to after he says "come on" or similar a few times, it makes him feel shit.

It also frustrates/upsets him when I say we will have sex later but it doesn't end up happening.

Today he said "I've really been wanting head recently" and I told him I would give it to him at the weekend when he was home. He asked if I actually wanted to and I said yes, and explained again how my sex drive is down at the moment.

He asked if I thought it would ever go back to normal and I said yes, I think so.

I said that all the pressure surrounding it doesn't help and he said that "7 weeks of it being low will cause pressure in any relationship".

Is he right about that last statement?

I honestly don’t know how he could enjoy you giving him oral sex if he knew you didn’t actually want to do it. Sex (of any kind) should only be enjoyable if everyone is an enthusiastic participant. If he’d happily get sucked off knowing you’ve been talked/guilted/felt obligated into it then he’s a wrong un.

He's said that he sees how I am offended by what he has said but that he didn't mean it that way. We are now in the middle of a pretty big argument, I can't see this lasting

I have a child that isn't his. He is also temporarily living away so only see him on weekends but all his friends/family live here. We are close and socialise with others as a couple and I'm scared to lose that dynamic and those friendships. Pathetic I know

I so desperately want it to work but god the thought of having sex after all this is making my skin crawl

This is your opportunity to leave and find someone who you want to have sex with because they make you feel loved and respected and safe rather than someone who just wants a shag. In the long run a year isn’t that long so I’d leave

'This conversation has killed my sex drive. I can't imagine fancying sex with you, at the moment. You need to back right off and think about how that sounded. When you're ready to talk about it properly, instead of trying to coerce me into giving you a blow job, let me know.'

Most men have the emotional capacity to understand that being a total sex pest is likely to lead to less sex not more.

It's fine to have a discussion about your needs in a relationship, but whining and coercing your partner into sex they don't want is unacceptable.

Every relationship has dry spells and 7 weeks is barely even that, so he's talking utter shite.

We are now in the middle of a pretty big argument, I can't see this lasting

As shit as it is, it's better that it happened a year in rather than a few years down the line.

His behaviour is shocking and as I said earlier I generally have sympathy for the higher libido partner, but not in this case at all.

7 weeks and he's being a prick. No wonder you sex drive is low.

You really need to think if this is what you want.

how long into the 7 weeks did he start moaning and coercing you?

It sounds like your relationship is all about the sex.

Please, please don't stay with him just because you enjoy the socialising you do with him, no one is worth that. You shouldn't be 'desperate' to make it work, why is it so important to you to be in a relationship with him? (Or with any man). A relationship should add something to your life ... not make you unhappy or dread sex.

I always think that the analogy of 'would you like your adult DC to be in a relationship like that?' is useful ... or what advice would you give to your best friend?

If i read correctly, op states that dp brings it up every so often... so its not like its being forced or constant pressure. So many people so quick to judge othera choice of partner, as if they have the ideal man always rubbing their feet at their beckon call! Rite!

Dont put preasure on yourself op and dp, if hes decent will understand. Some have less experience of relationships than others. No ones perfect but communication is key.

Whilst his comments are a bit off being sexually comparable is important

He feels rejected and at one year in without kids together I’d be questioning if you are right for each other

If he has a high sex drive op he can’t demand you perform but equally he doesn’t have to stick around

No one should have to stay in an Incompatible relationship and sexual comparability is part of that

It’s not like you’re 15 years down the line and even then sex is still a valid conversation

He’s treating you like a defective sex doll not a human with your own wants and needs and rights over your own body

Don’t stay with him

It’s worrying that your expectations are so low for males, that you think being used as a masterbatory aid is maybe normal or acceptable. How will you be able to teach your kid about enthusiastic consent and boundaries?

@Watapalava

Whilst his comments are a bit off being sexually comparable is important

He feels rejected and at one year in without kids together I’d be questioning if you are right for each other

If he has a high sex drive op he can’t demand you perform but equally he doesn’t have to stick around

No one should have to stay in an Incompatible relationship and sexual comparability is part of that

It’s not like you’re 15 years down the line and even then sex is still a valid conversation

I agree.

You have only been together a year, and don’t have children together. At this stage it should be easy and fun for both of you. Instead, you feel he is too demanding sexually, and he feels rejected by you. That’s really not a good situation in what should be the honeymoon phase of a relatively new relationship.

Are you sure you’re right for one another?

He says he won't ask again because it makes him feel cheap and like he's begging. He also says when he asks for sex and I say no, and then decide to after he says "come on" or similar a few times, it makes him feel shit.

So be it should. The solution is for him to stop pestering you for sex after you say no the first time.

Whining for sex is really pretty unattractive.

It would give me the ick.

I so desperately want it to work but god the thought of having sex after all this is making my skin crawl

Think your answer is right here

Good God OP you can't continue like this. You have a low sex drive because you're with a man who is pestering you for sex and who you are not attracted to. We'd all have a low sex drive if we were in your shoes. The only way to improve it is to leave your partner. Else it'll likely never come back.

@Kimilybob

If i read correctly, op states that dp brings it up every so often... so its not like its being forced or constant pressure. So many people so quick to judge othera choice of partner, as if they have the ideal man always rubbing their feet at their beckon call! Rite!

Dont put preasure on yourself op and dp, if hes decent will understand. Some have less experience of relationships than others. No ones perfect but communication is key.

Clearly you're choosing not to read it correctly.

Bringing it up every so often...it's only been 7 weeks and they've still been having sex fgs.... in that time he's saying "I won't bring it up again because it makes him feel cheap and like he's begging"....code for "you better start wanting to have sex soon or I most certainly am going to bring it up again and make you feel bad".

When she does have sex he KNOWS that she didn't want to because she had previously said no and then he again blames her and says she made him feel shit!!

Is she supposed to magic up enthusiastic sexual desire to please this man??

If he's decent he'll understand
Clearly he's not decent if that's the case cos he is obviously showing no understanding.

@Watapalava

Whilst his comments are a bit off being sexually comparable is important

He feels rejected and at one year in without kids together I’d be questioning if you are right for each other

If he has a high sex drive op he can’t demand you perform but equally he doesn’t have to stick around

No one should have to stay in an Incompatible relationship and sexual comparability is part of that

It’s not like you’re 15 years down the line and even then sex is still a valid conversation

I completely agree that sexual compatibility is important.

I'm female and would have a high sex drive if I were in a relationship. I wouldn't stick around if there was an issue that was unlikely to change.

But if we went through a dry patch because he had a low libido I would never ever act the way this man does...everyone in his position wants their partner to have sex with them but should also be aware that no one is magically going to want it if you moan and complain and coerce them into it. I personally would hate for a man to have sex with me when they didn't want to just to shut me up!

This issue has only been going on for 7 weeks and sounds like he started putting a lot of pressure on her much sooner than that which has more than likely made the problem worse, so this isn't necessarily a case of sexual incompatibility. It's a case of him showing his true colours, he's a sex pest.

There are plenty of high libido people out there who value sexual compatibility but who are also mature enough to understand that sometimes there will be dips in libido or dry patches and that they need to be handled in a fair, mature, kind way!

Dont put preasure on yourself op and dp, if hes decent will understand.

She's told him again & again what she is feeling.
He doesn't "understand". By which I mean - he understands just fine, he simply doesn't give a shit.

It's really not difficult to "understand" that a woman who is enduring endo symptoms will be in too much pain to have sex, & will hardly be in the mood to give out blow jobs.

So many people so quick to judge othera choice of partner
You're embarrassing yourself with your defence of coercive control @Kimilybob. Why not stop now, while you only look a bit stupid, rather than an apologist for a sex pest?

He isn't very clever is he?

If he wants more sex than you're currently having, then he should enter in to a grown up conversation with you, listen to your thoughts and feelings, ask if there's anything he can do, tell you there's no pressure from him, all in good time, he loves you no matter what.

Everything he's doing is going to make you LESS likely to want to have sex with him. Pressuring you, treating sex likes it's something you owe him, like he'll be ill or something if he doesn't get it. Like it's a performance issue that he's monitoring you on. Like your feelings don't matter and you should have sex with him even if you don't want it. Disgusting.

You deserve better. His behaviour is far from OK.